To Miles 27

“Miles is a null memory until anger strikes me.” Hince pauses for a while as we both sit next to the window, it’s very dark and the stars can be seen if I forget about the light in the room. It’s natural progression to talk of previous loves and I feel odd for having a calm love rather than something with such a strong force to either kill myself or the lover, besides the fact that I long being with him. I had given up and it’s been a while anyway since we’ve started sleeping with each other, even if love had finally explained itself to us. We share a cigarette, some odd connection so we smoke two and sometimes he blows smoke in my face before I kiss him briefly, but we need this out of our system. 

Miles later that night had caught me in the bathroom, already with a cigarette and had motioned me to follow him, for a brief second I had a feeling it would be the orlop but it wasn’t, Jamie had been waiting for me but I realized that with Miles it wasn’t the wisest idea and we had headed out and it had started to get a bit chilly, so the offer of a cigarette was hard to refuse. I hugged myself, keeping my distance as Kane watched me.

“Jamie always says it was ten. Well, for him it was ten.” He swallow and exhales, finishing the cigarette and throwing it off board. “It was eleven. I had fallen for him a year earlier. I had heard that he was bisexual, Alison knew.”

He pauses.

“I know Alison’s your sister.” I say, wanting to get the fuck out, but I still listen, not sure if I actually want to hear his side of the story. Miles doesn’t ease.

“How long have you been fucking Jamie?” He lights another cigarette and I see the same shadow which goes through Jamie’s eyes go through his, some old bitter jealousy only in Jamie’s mind it’s always intertwined with pain and something so twisted and numb from all the pain it has caused. 

“I don’t think that’s any of your business, Kane.” I mutter, playing with the cigarette in my fingers, starting to get cold, Miles notices me shaking, but doesn’t do anything. The cigarette was offered already and taken. 

“Anyway. So it was kind of the whole word that Alison had this boyfriend who was known for being a bit too queer and who was in the navy. She had fallen for him so she dragged him home, c’mon, of course Jamie would do a great impression with this literature knowledge and dunno, parents just swallowed it, who knows. They married.” He pauses. “He really hung around me, wanting to get on my good side and he’d tell me about the ships.”

Miles really keeps his pause here. 

“I asked him if he still fucked other men, he just shook his head, a bit confused and I don’t know why the confusion and the look he had for Alison, made me jealous I guess. Or...” Miles just pauses and keeps silent. “I don’t know, there was too much about him. He was really queer, I’ve never known anyone queer.” 

“Why did you tell me about “Ian” then?” I snap, a bit too cold and my teeth chattering. 

“So what I should’ve told you I was fucking Jamie and that his wife was my sister?” Miles snaps back, but holds. I quickly look down, shaking even much more, you can see through people, what makes them shine, what cuts them through and I know it’s me for Miles and that’s not something I had wanted to see or even believe in. Miles just keeps looking at me and shrugs, the stone long cut before I even headed upstairs to Hince for the first time. Miles is ahead on this one if we think of time rather than performance. 

“Why the fuck not? I told you about Matt, didn’t I?” I snap at him, still shivering and wishing I had taken anything with me, but it’s too late and both me and Miles want to get this over with to understand if we step over this holding hands or not and as I listen to him, I have some dumb hope which I really want to shrug off and I just want to go back to Jamie’s arms and lay there, maybe we’d get something to drink and eventually fall asleep as we’d discuss something which had been lingering in his mind or we’d close the chapter on Miles after I’d hear his side. I was actually excited to hear Jamie’s past, even if it had been painful and I wondered how exactly had he looked all those years ago and what queer things had he done, who he had known and who had he kissed once in a gay bar. 

“Well, you didn’t fall in love with someone who was eleven years older than you at age fifteen, did you?” I calculate Hince’s age in my head and I just hug myself tighter, not even smoking anymore.

“I had fallen in love with my sister’s fiancé. He was the one who had first taken me to gay bars.” Miles’ lips are trembling. I just keep watching. I don’t think I even want to know his story as I recall Hince’s bitterness towards Miles, while Miles just showed coldness, it wasn’t hard to figure out who had broken who. So looking at his trembling lip was something I didn’t seem interested in even if I was biased and my empathy kept rocking my cradle around as I would see him or be nulled by sleep. 

“Why did you leave him if you loved him so much?” I snap and I actually want to make my way back. 

“Because I didn’t want to be second.” I feel both of us pause. “He would never leave Alison.” 

I blink.

Was that it?

I actually don’t hold and turn around, Miles puts his hand on my shoulder. 

“I don’t know when I had fallen with him, he’d pretty much start dating Alison. And once I had just stopped and said hi to him. He had been twenty five, supposedly quite good and he had been on shore for a while, so everyone kept giggling how determined he had been to win Alison’s attention.

On their date, once she had agreed, she had taken her deck of cards and she had fortune told him. Jamie always said that she had hidden a card from him, but Alison showed up on his cards along with a few he couldn’t identify and soon enough he had even forgotten the card. She had done a few things and they had been in the park, Alison had told me how he kept smoking and watching her. 

She always said that no one had ever been so tender with her and once she had asked him of his past, Alison said he had struggled for a brief while before Alison put out her cards and said that they had been fated, so he had nothing to fear. He had struggled, but still muttered how he had dated a few men and Alison just shrugged, saying that it was no big deal to her, as long as he had been faithful to her. 

Jamie had just blinked and said why the hell would he double-time her if he loved her. Alison said that it had been some small slip, but it’s odd, you know...” He pauses. I just listen, but I stare ahead. “That something is written in the cards. Was it all that bonded them?”

I just remain silent. 

“And they had started dating, Alison always receiving long letters from Jamie when he wasn’t on shore and once I had caught her reading it and I never really realized that Jamie wrote poems. He would always attach a poem to her. I got sad that I was sure that a woman would never write me them and I always asked Alison to let me read the poems, the letters were kept safe, but I’d always read the poems, she would read them out and then she’d start laughing recalling some daft memory of both of them together.” Miles darkens. “I really didn’t realize I had fallen in love with him until once Alison was getting ready and I had been sitting there with him and he had started asking me if I’ve ever read Kafka and I had said that I hadn’t.

He had just bought The Trial and he had given it to me instead. I really thought he wanted to get on my good side and looking back it’s an odd choice that it was kind of the first thing we had ever exchanged.” 

“Miles, I’m not interested.” I interrupt him finally, some odd jealousy burning within me as I have wished that it had been me who was given The Trial, I feel as if all of us have been blended and mixed up that I don’t know who had been where who is the lover and who is the traitor. I hold my breath for a while as I look at his lost eyes. I’ve never realized that there had been something he had lost which he had regretted and managed to fight with. If he had turned at the right time Hince would’ve forgiven him, but it was all long lost and Hince had no interest maybe besides doing another punch across the face.

“If you really had loved him it would be you instead of me in his arms, wouldn’t it?” I snap at him and Miles drops his arm from my shoulder. That’s when the veil of the bride is lifted up, Miles hectically starts lighting a new cigarette and the thought in his head is how come I was chosen instead of him and some bitter twisted envy starts growing in him as he keeps looking at me.

“You?” He snarls. I just stand for a while and I realize that I should leave for my own benefit and I am not interested in how he had lost Hince, I’m only interested in what the fuck had he done to Jamie. 

“Well, I don’t see you two fucking, do I?” And I turn around and I’m sure he’ll yell something and maybe I shouldn’t have said too much and I could see us all three on trial for obscenity, for homosexuality and being gay in the navy. I could see Hince just standing there, not looking at anyone, just aching for a cigarette and I could see Miles just standing there and I don’t feel sorry for him, I just wait for the trial to be over so that me and Jamie could exchange looks as we have a final cigarette before being separated. 

I get scared. 

I get scared of Miles’ words and I just storm into Hince’s room as he is reading Fathers and Sons again and he looks up at me with a smile, before he notices my concerned look on my face and he quickly stands up, locks the door and hesitates before hugging me.

“Hold on.” And he opens the closet to get out some bottle of wine. He gets glasses, all silent and just quickly glancing at me before he pours the liquid. Jamie waits for me to talk, but I don’t, before he opens his mouth I actually ask him.

“Do you still love Miles?” 

“No.” He says without flinching and then he lets his brain absorb the question and he sighs, giving a soft smile for the lack of emotions towards his other long lost lover. Hince takes a sip as we both each take a chair. I think I let him destroy me far too much as he keeps lingering in my thoughts like a parasite and the fact that I had never found out what the fuck had happened between them seems to torture me and I wonder what the fuck could’ve happened and I keep watching Hince, letting doubts crawl within me but somehow I don’t think he hurt Miles and the fact that the thing which Miles thought necessary to say was the fact that he had chosen Alison instead. But I still keep looking at Jamie, feeling a bit uneasy between two truths and Matt comes back to mind, before Jamie pours himself a glass and I realize that I had dazed away with Jamie waiting for me to say anything else.

“You just want to stop...” He flicks on the glass so that it makes a piercing sound, but he doesn’t flinch. “Because well, you just want it out of your system really.”

He pauses.

“It was odd, he kept lingering in my mind until recently.” He pauses on me. “I dunno, he was just always there, making me angry and for some odd reason I just...”

I keep looking at him and he finds the courage to look at me.

“Threw it on you with no reason.” He says, trying to keep the pauses as short and I keep looking at his green eyes. “That wasn’t personal... ever. That was... I guess when you’re angry you take it out on someone and you seemed to resemble Miles.”

“Thanks.” I chuckle darkly.

“You’re not. That’s the thing. It’s just the age. It was like a very bad metaphor. Getting back at someone, it’s as if you were the parallel to Miles.” He still comes back to talk in pauses and taking big gulps of wine and I wonder if he has anything stronger or if he’s stretching our soberness and just giving a small amount of placebo to believe that we are drunk when we are not. “But you’re not. Neither does Miles define me. Even if I’ve loved him for over ten years.”

Jamie gives a dark chuckle.

“One day you just wake up and it’s gone, not all of it, but most of it, the love, at least the bitter precipitation is the only thing left which pretty much should be dissolved by something else or you just throw it out eventually I guess.” He pours me some wine and I don’t even realize I had drank it.

“I just woke up one day and it had been after the first naval battle. Brian kept musing on it all night and even came to mine’s saying what if we would get caught up with this and I just sat there, saying that well we’ll have to fight back...” He smirks. “I had the idea of getting drunk for a brief moment, we both did, but we took the booze away and just stopped to go back to sleep, in the morning I puked out everything and the weird thing was...”

He starts drumming on the desk, as I watch his hands. I get distracted by too many things and I catch his eyes. 

“The only thought I had was that I want Miles out of my system.

And he was gone.

I was fed up. I forced everyone to mop the floors that day.” He smirks and I just roll my eyes and he feels lighter. I wonder if I should ask him about Miles, but instead he takes a swing from the bottle before pouring more and I just get my chair closer to his and Jamie smirks, grinning slightly before pulling me by the shoulder, stroking my cheek with his thumb and I still feel tense. He sees it and gives me a brief nourishing kiss which blinds me for a while. 

But then maybe it’s still not enough time to be given to throw away the remains of a long loved ill lasting relationship. 

We both get a cigarette lit by Jamie himself as he puts two and lights them each in his mouth, still watching and I look away, feeling a bit uneasy and he just passes me the cigarette. He slowly breathes out the smoke.

“Anything on your mind, Turner?” He says and for some reason that gives me a small smile, something oddly nostalgic as it has been a few months since we know each other and ease, wondering as we both still have our hats on and I take off mine, ruffling my hair as Jamie watches me inhale the cigarette, not removing it from my lips and I exhale. 

“It’s... odd. I don’t think he’s out of my system.” I mutter lightly, but enough for him to hear and understand. Jamie eases in his chair. 

“Well, he doesn’t have to y’know. Your puking will come, if you want it to.” He smirks as he holds the cigarette in his hand, now him removing his hat and we’re still in attire, looking far too official and I want to see him in something less formal, hair not too neatly done and just a tint of grumpiness even if I had managed to get attracted to him when he’d just lift his eyes off his book and call me m’boy again. He smirks, before adding. “Turner.”

I take his hat off the table and I put it on, smirking.

“Captain Hince.” I say, Jamie pats me on the head. 

“You look terrible in it.” We both laugh, grinning at this obscure staircase of nostalgia, as he leans to take it off and I pull him by the collar and he stops and looks down on me, not moving, before I lean in to kiss him, feeling myself dissolve entirely and Jamie as well. 

-

I think I've pretty much told everyone how much team Hincey I am, haha xD But that in no way means that I've forgotten about the plot and what is going on, but yeah Jamie pretty much has fought his way in and changed a bit of the course of the story dramatically kind of? XD

Somehow both of these fuckers, Hince and Miles keep delaying the back story even if I have a rough draft in my head of what is going on, but either way a lot is actually explained in this chapter :3 

And dun dun dun, there was no Ian all along :\ which is odd because when I was writing about "Ian" I was like ooooh, I like how I even stuck Ian Curtis here xD 

I dunno, like Miles fucked up real badly and pretty much all characters went through massive development which I wash;t even aware of. I mean, Matt was supposed to be just Alex's one kiss time friend, Julian was actually supposed to be sent away instead of Cookie XD, Jamie was supposed to be the annoying incompetent captain obsessed with Russian literature, Miles was supposed to be the hero of the story and in general everyone had changed and also there's more characters to come which will become regulars in part two or even characters who will keep showing up :)

Using Kafka was something which for some odd reason when I was a teenager was something no one around me had managed to for some fucking reason read and it was always like, wow, she reads Kafka and etc, so for some reason it was always an awe that Kafka is/was my favourite writer. The Trial is one of my favourite works and I even felt a bit like cheating by pretty much without a lot of thinking just giving Jamie Kafka xD 

I dunno, this whole chapter and in general it's funny how the title To Miles seems to have an ironic ring to it since both Hince and Al have suffered from Miles and have seem to have bonded. 

The more the story goes deeper the more I feel like I identify with Hince and his bitterness towards Miles, sometimes you just lose faith in people, it just dies off, as if nothing had ever happened and they're crossed out that's it. There's not even something left at the bottom, so it was a bit odd to try and write Alex who still has feelings for Miles when I'm more of a Hince, puke it out an you're good xD 

I was talking to Callie about what Hince had done to Alex and pretty much the word metaphor sprouted in my head and in general I always have this debate about Hince in my head and I guess that's what makes him complex and beautiful in my eyes, we have all hurt those who we love in a way or another, just some ways are more forgivable than others I guess and some end up being metaphors, but I am cruel sometimes so yeah. 

It's really odd, I guess I always use a lot of things from my life in stories or particular events and yeah, I recall how I had been so anxious and my only damn thought was that I want it out of my system, that I was tired and that well, I'm worthy of more and I had wanted to write this scene because it was odd how much I had thought of it, repeating it and it was gone. Of course you're still bitter, but you actually reach the point where like Hince you just have that Freudian slip where you say no before thinking and weighing whatever the fuck is in your head, that thing is you don't, you don't care anymore and you just go on, really. 

So it's odd that I identify more with Hince than Alex XD and I keep asking myself what to do with Miles, because I still love them together and frankly Miles didn't fuck up Alex as much as he did Hince, so yeah. But in the end every story is different just coz me and Hince puked our feelings out, doesn't mean that other people should.

I guess I just really love Hince and Alex a lot. I dunno, they started from this twisted relationship and I was looking back and there's actually a lot of small things I haven't noticed about Jamie being caring towards Al, so yeah. I dunno, I love how they took the piss of each other and I really really love them together and dunno, I guess I am calm for Al because I was quite concerned of the ending because I knew that Alex would be miserable and well, the tables have turned and there's a lot ahead and there's still too much ahead and too much plot twists and I'm sure Miles should try to redeem himself at least, so not all is lost, I know because well, I know :P

Also on the note, since I'm quite open, I'd like to say that I'm genderfluid, I know you discover many things about yourself every fucking day and I dunno, I feel liberated and go on, find it ironic, but I still go by my birth name, but I've been shifting to Jamie because I've always liked how gender neutral that name was always and it was kind of my favourite male name for years and now it's like oh Hince too, but really it's because I just like it a lot, so yeah, ask anything really and it's still me as always :) I was always here and always fluid as fuck xD just now you know why the interest in gay men haha :P 

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and don't mind me being team Hincey xD *puts on random merch with an inflatable Hince* I even started drawing fan art of Hincey. Just don't think I'm crazy and tell me if you enjoyed the chapter and feel free to request the next one :3

I love you all :3 ALL OF YOU :3

<3

Jamie

To Miles 28

Settle A Quarrel

“What’s the point in spinning the bottle if there’s just two of us?” I say my head underneath the couch, my head spinning and buzzing, my eyes long closed and Alison’s hand had been on my leg not so long ago. I don’t dare to lift my head up and I’m sure I had torn my suit, wondering why will I even enjoy the hangover tomorrow. 

“Because it might not land on you?” She smirks and I know now she’s sitting besides me and I just cross my legs, closing my eyes, hoping that I can still feel my body properly and that I don’t have a boner. And I hear the floor tell me that she’s spinning the bottle and I bite my lips, actually trying to stick myself deeper under the couch and the bottle stops spinning. 

“Don’t cheat.” And I stick my head out just to see that the bottle is pointing more towards her rather than me and she’s sitting right besides me and I look at her newly dyed roots. I look at the apartment and I wonder why I’m I even selling it, why had I put it on the market, making a few phone calls wearing Kate’s white glasses as if they could see my red eyes and I had laughed the entire morning, smoking far too much as Lila and Kate had left somewhere and I had dragged Alison from across the street and then we had gone out to this apartment and I had told her I was planning to sell it. 

“See? It didn’t even land on me. You can wank now.” And I actually want to go back and stick my head under the couch, but she grabs me by the cheeks.

I don’t think we did anything new and the wine hasn’t properly gone to me yet or to her, so the fact that she’s doing this sober scares me and excites me. I shift to make sure I’m looking straight at her, I look at her, how thin she’s gotten and I start laughing, too much within my system as she silences me with a hungry kiss and I gasp into her mouth, pulling her closer, pulling her over me, my hands entangled in her hair. 

I hold her and I know she feels, where her ribs are, how her skin feels and I’ve held her so many times but now it’s with something new forgotten and I’m yanked into it through the veil of alcohol and drugs, but she’s far too cruel to let me go and so am I, never letting her go, always dissing whoever she’s dating and having my own doubts let me devour me.

She had told me how friends had worked and I just shrugged then many years ago, taking the piss that we could do the same, she was scared of letting someone close let her hurt her and maybe some it was the bitterness which still carries within me, how she had refused and I had agreed, letting it destroy her,

that friends thrust thorns deeper than the rest when love is there and there are no two positions.

And her lust happens because she had snapped and so had I, pulling her lightly by the hair as she digs her nails into my t-shirt and I feel her against my lips, I feel her

the longing is intense and if I could I’d split both of us open as we make out and I had even forgotten how she tasted, cigarettes now much more faint and the alcohol much more expensive with her fragrance and our whole essence seems to be destroyed, but the boredom remains, the room is still the same, dull and boring only with her smirl and twirl to illuminate my day and lips.

But the fear doesn’t leave me as Kate pierces me. Alison was always there, Kate wasn’t discarding me as Alison would lick her wounds as I would prescribe her eyedrops instead of bandages. But the thing was, what was there for her to see?

My love?

She knew it and the fact that I was the same triggered us both.

It always starts with us drunk, the first few dates of any tour starts off with us looking at each other as we head back to the hotel and sometimes we are already far too drunk, we keep repeating the mistake with the fact that fear just swallows us and it starts from shots and it’s always Alison’s hopeful eyes and I’ve seen myself in the mirror, how I look when I splash water on my face, I don’t look better, I want her just as much, but my own twisted mind is the enemy. Maybe we are both each other’s enemy, some bizarre love which twists us and a thread which never break even if other people try and they try to forget about the thread which seems to be around my neck lately. 

So it always starts with the shots and then either of us will slip and suggest to go upstairs. We take off the leather jackets, pour some more drinks, Alison usually on the bed, biting her lip and I take a swing from whatever we had chosen to drink. I crawl besides her, we never say anything and I know where to touch, she knows where to kiss and we just entangle ourselves and in the morning we just pass the toothpaste to each other, quickly glancing at each other with yesterday’s memories in our head and the foil kicked under the bed. 

We haven’t toured, the few dates were done through gritted teeth and Alison dancing next to me, pulling my bottom lip with her fingers and I would close my eyes, not to do anything and she would flee.

But not now. 

It’s something else, I think we’ve both held too much like when she had kept stalking me and then I had heard her live and even if we had made eye contact and once I had been too drunk, even if I wasn’t too able to walk I hadn’t been able to miss anything, yet I had closed the curtains on her, feeling bad. 

And that’s when I felt even worse and I had fetched her from outside, lighting a cigarette and she had walked in, hair all a mess and a big grin, barely talking and only asking me to play.

And now Alison was fed up with all the tension we had been doing which had started from a lame idea I had, we had both been intoxicated, we always are and I had pulled her by her shirt, nearly kissing her, both tense and I had told her that what a great idea it would be

just like some people think that not having sex is better than having sex, that’s what my idea was

that not being together would be better than being together, that we would never hurl at each other, sex would become just a plain need like wanking but the thing is, you end up wanting far too much. 

We both pull each other’s lips. 

I forget that we’re not in a hotel once we’re both shirtless and my hands are traveling up to her breasts and she’s on top of me.

I stop and I want to take my hands off, instead she pulls me back, pressing my hands higher. I’ve felt her all over, I’ve made love to her many times, much more than I’ve ever said it and let my mind linger onto.

I pull away and that’s when Alison stands up, she takes my shirt instead of hers, holds it in her hands, rubbing the fabric between her fingers and looks down on me. We’re both still in heels, we hold our silence, the alcohol being as soft as the morning, just a sudden realization that it’s there. She keeps her silence as I keep my own. I take out a pack of cigarettes from my back pocket and stretch it out to her. 

“What do I have to do?” Her voice I was expecting would be a sob, but it’s not. Instead it’s stern and something twisted and her pain echoes as something ugly to me, which I try to ignore because I had been the thorn and so had she, never doing anything about the wound, letting it dismantle her entirely in my arms and I never throw her out and we still have some tenderness as I’d bring her lips closer to mine to kiss. 

“What do you mean?” I stop as she sits besides me, both of us on the floor and she has lit my cigarette, slowly forcing herself to look with her dark eyes into mine. I try to look away, but you always get your attention grabbed by the broken mirror to see how would you look broken, but this time I know how I look and there’s not enough cracks to show my real state. 

“What the fuck do I have to do?” She mutters, lighting her own. She gets her blonde hair out of her eyes and it had always crossed my mind how Kate and Alison seemed to try and resemble each other as if I would forget and hold onto the other in a haunted house, thinking that one was the other and depending on who I’d grab the conclusion would be on who I’d prefer. 

“Sorry?” I blink, slowly inhaling and wondering if we should’ve gotten more alcohol and walking back home seems like a dumb idea and the cab is not something I’d want with both of us sitting moody and kicking each other under the knee just to burst out laughing and then everything would be the same. 

“You’re not dragging Kate here are you?” That stings and I just flinch lightly and that’s when she grins, far too broken from too many years of waltzing blindly as I would run away and give her other partners or would leave her alone. I hang my head down, biting my lip. My own jealousy had betrayed me. 

“Well, you see to drag Jack a lot too, you know.” I smirk bitterly at my come back and recalling how she always laughs with him like she had once with me and it stings that my nostalgia is now stained. 

“Unlike you, I broke up with Jack.” She holds for a moment. “While you hold onto Kate. Even we didn’t have as many fallouts.”

“Jack dumped you.” I snarl back, wishing there had been something else to drink, instead I stand up and she follows me, both of us still shirtless and I get some tap water, getting a glass and rinsing it first before just drinking. 

“You’re saying as if Kate was never jealous and the break ups never happened.” I don’t splash her with water, instead I close my eyes and I take the whole glass in, opening my eyes to see her with her arms crossed on her chest. 

“At least I didn’t go saying that great, I have Jamie anyway.” I slam the glass down and Alison winces at the noise. 

“Because I fucking understand that if you would have the balls, you’d fucking see!” She raises her voice and gets close to me. I wish I’d worn higher heels and the fact that she’s wearing quite high ones isn’t helping and is giving a taunting psychological effect. I look down at her shoes, she grabs me by the chin and makes sure that I am looking at her. 

“What the fuck do you-” She kisses me again and I try to hold, I pull away and Alison just pushes me away, heading back into the room. She starts picking up her clothes and leans down to get her leather jacket from under the couch. She stops for a while.

“You still didn’t tell me what do I have to do, if you want to do it that way.” She tries to keep calm and I just watch her, getting a new cigarette since the other was stubbed and forgotten in such haste that I don’t even recall. 

“What the fuck do you want to do?” I ask her as she approaches me. 

“Why don’t I ever get a chance and some model who barely watches anything besides Gypsy weddings does? Are you saying you’re not fit for someone else? Too tiring, Jamie?” She pulls on her dark blue t-shirt, buttoning the cardi over it and now searching for her bag. I still check her out. I simply don’t reply.

“Look.” She pauses, she’s nearly leaving. I nod at her, waiting for her to go on.

“One date and I swear I’ll piss off.” Alison points at me.

“I’m married.”

“That never stopped you or her from fucking around.” And she goes towards the door. 

-

Callie is sending me death threats because I ended it here. Ok, it's not happy happy yet, but it will be, I promise :O 

I PROMISE. 

It's just really hard to make a happy Kills request when these two have been at each other's throats or pants for the past millennium so yeah -.-

I've been dying to get back to writing these two and I've been horribly obsessed with Jamie again and I've been writing him in other stories. And yeah, if you want a Jamie humor fic, check Saints Preserve Us (but he's not paired up with Alison, the pairing there is obvious, but I'll remain silent), actually it's a satire.

I dunno I love the whole spinning the bottle it's kind of nostalgic to back when me and Callie just met and I'd be curious what would happen if Callie got dared and etc. So I kind of had that in mind and seemed funny that they'd do it drunk.

And the title is quite clumsy which I like, since those two are idiots. It came from the fact that I was pretty much blank and I was like ok, this story is about reconciliation which seems to be a theme I write quite often even if in life I don't really believe in it, well depends on what the fuck did you do really and in this case it was just two idiots not wanting to get back together so yeah xD and they seem to be teasing everyone with it xD anyway so I wanted a synonym to reconcile and found the expression and I hadn't used the word "quarrel" in ages and I dunno, it seemed like a nice clumsy title so yeah :3

I love them so much T__T and I missed these two morons who can't seem to get together T__T and I'm slowly plotting since Jamie and Kate don't hang out too much, I'm like HAHA I'M SURE HE'S FUCKING ALISON EEEE I'm an awful, awful fangirl.

I always find how they met precious and I shall forever discuss it.

I had an idea to turn this one angsty and do another happy one, but this shall be the one. I promise.

I hope you enjoyed it and yay *opens champagne* a new Kills story :D so please feel free to request and I promise I am writing faster now :D so go request and I should have the next one up soon if you poke me :3 

<3

To Miles 26

Love is the greatest destroyer force of them all. You can get hit by a car and simply the insides will rip because everything will stop functioning, while if your insides get destroyed it’s a while until you yourself will cut the string of life or the body will scream in agony until everything about you is gone. 

“You get a void when you’re left broken and it stings. But when the person is not who you think they were, it’s just a void. When a person lies to you for their own obscure benefit and suddenly...” Hince blows a smoke ring which dismantles itself. “You don’t know who even was the trophy wife anymore. Were they acting as a trophy wife or were you a trophy wife to them?”

He stares ahead.

“Either way, it’s a void, you don’t even want the person back. It’s bitter. And you think the person loved you but neither do they and neither do you. But that’s not Miles, with Miles I knew what I missed.” 

I fall asleep lying next to Hince, something far too usual only this time his fingers are on my neck and I wake up with an icing of fear, yet it’s odd to catch him sleeping, still not fully relaxed and curled up only his arm stretched to touch my neck. Without thinking I kiss his fingers and my feelings are far too mixed, so I merely sit up, wondering if I should wake him as I slowly dress, Miles and Hince both in my thoughts. As I pull on my shirt I wonder that in my head I barely refer to him as Jamie and his name sounds like an odd role in my head, a foreign sound and I glance at him, now his eyes sleepily open and he has a soft also confused smile upon his lips.

We both keep our silence, just like one day you wake and everything is better, sometimes it’s for the worse or for the more twisted. But then the twisted had blossomed into something neither of us had expected and still frightens me, grabs me by the neck in the form of Jamie. He stands up, still sleepily, scratching his stubble and walks up to me. It’s odd. I try to read my own mind why. 

I can’t as we kiss and it’s softer than usual even if we started making out and the fact that both us have morning wood doesn’t help either. 

Love with Hince is different, I don’t know why it happened or why it fits in my head when the waves of fear crash against my being, but it’s there, it doesn’t go away even if fear had been the first emotion with his bitter, broken old laughter. 

Hince had stopped asking me about the men, I’d just walk in to tell about them, Julian still vivid in my mind and how Hince had said that the next will be on the ship until we get either a boat to throw them off or if we need to go to shore. So for a few days I wasn’t sure what should I be doing and I kept debating about Hince far too much in my head and I was scared to have sex with him again, not because of what he had been, but rather that it seemed to be ridiculous that we have never spoken of it and I was touching myself in the restroom, not yet with Hince as usually I’d slip out in the middle of the night and I’d nap during the day to avoid Miles and still hope that he’d see me and slip next to me and I wondered why did I want a liar so badly? But then we had both done the same thing and I wondered more as I couldn’t ask Hince about him and Miles and some bitter jealousy was at the tip of my tongue, nagging.

And all of a sudden I wasn’t sure who I was even jealous of. Both of them intertwining in my head and I had recalled Hince, who had smirked at me once, saying that when you’re in love with two or more people, even if they don’t interact and you don’t want them to your deepest sexual desire would still be having sex with all of them at once and that what was going on in my head, I didn’t want them anywhere close to each other yet and I don’t think either of them wanted each other’s existence yet they were still in my head and I started breathing heavier, stroking myself, biting my lip, pressing myself harder against the wall of the cubicle, giving an audible moan and I had stopped, pressing my palm against my mouth and I had heard a smirk. I felt my breath become even harder. I heard the person exit the other cubicle, I was too turned on to realize that someone had even gone in. I heard a soft knock. I shivered lightly and the knocking was soft, yet it still increased. 

“Turner, fighting the demons within you as you jerk off?” He sounded sleepy and a light smirk and I’m sure he had been amused of his joke. I open the door to see Miles in his undershirt, a bit too pale and barely holding his eyes open. I freeze at his eased, lulled state and I want to grab him, pull him in, make out with him, have sex with him, but I just stop. Miles is still amused by himself. “When you jerk off pretty much everyone crosses your mind, don’t they? It’s hard to get people out when you’re vulnerable to yourself and you’re the object to your own desire.”

He leaves to wash his hands, opening the tap and he glances at himself in the mirror, groaning lightly.

“You’re interested in your own orgasm, really, so you just let go, don’t you.” I think if he hadn’t been so sleepy he would have traced my jawline, but instead he keeps his hands in the sink, letting the water hit his fingers and against the basin. “Maybe there is a reason it’s a sin. Because you let go, you let all the thoughts consume you.”

I watch him through the mirror, far too sleepy and I want to kiss his neck, but I don’t, I just watch him, just wanting to continue doing so, even if he doesn’t smile and falls asleep on the floor, I don’t think I’d touch him and soon enough I’d feel bad and leave into another man’s arms. 

I could see Hince’s longing every day how he had sleepily muttered that despair gets worse with each year and I could still count in days and I had already wondered how long will it take for me to stroke his temple down to his jaw as he’d watch me silently without telling me to stop and I’d kiss him. The longing is worse than wine, it appears out of nowhere when you never had grapes to begin with. 

I keep looking at Miles’ back and you forget love too easily and quickly. You think there never was an echo never to remember the taste which had been present at a fingers touch. And maybe that’s when I became vulnerable and destructive. I swallow and I wonder if he prays at night and just like going to church doesn’t make you a good person, a glimpse of Father Ezra shows up in my mind for some odd way, I’m sure he’d bless me since homosexuality never was a sin in his eyes.

“Why did you never tell me that you dated Hince for ten years?” Miles quickly turns around to face me, mouth lightly opened and a pure look of horror on his face and I hadn’t even niticed that he had wet his hair. He grips the basin stronger. He stops breathing for a while and then he just turns around and I see his reflection with his eyes shut tight.

“Eleven.” He just mutters and grabs his towel, but I grab him by the wrist. Miles tries to break free but then gives up with his hand held middair by mine and I try to find something in him, but all I see is a lost, confused and a sudden nostalgia in his eyes, but what scares me is that there doesn’t seem to be any trace of love. Miles sighs and takes out a cigarette box out of his pocket, I let his hand go and he lights a cigarette. 

He awaits questions and I watch him, feeling myself dismantle slowly, like a rope, simply on the ends in the beginning. I keep watching him and my questions never come and with a few drags I just stare at not even a hollow place left for Hince’s love in his eyes and that seems to scare me and in the end, Miles just pats my shoulder and leaves me. 

I don’t know what triggers me and I fill the basin in with water and I wonder if I should just shower, but instead his eyes follow me in his mind even if I know that he holds love for me.

I fill in a cup with water and I spill it over my head, gasping at the cold touch as it drips onto my shirt and I start shaking. I head out just to clear my head and I watch the dark water crash against the ship, closing my eyes, my head nearly spinning and the thought of something eternal as death seems to be soothing, but my hands never reach out and the thought stays with me briefly, like an eruption it passes fast and I want to head back. I don’t know who do I fear more for is it me or Jamie and I actually drop all my thoughts, my hair still damp I head upstairs, I try to open the door, but it’s locked and I figure he could’ve headed to the bathroom, so I dread myself going there and as soon as I do I hear hissing and Jamie’s shaking voice. I come closer before I hear a thud and the other person is pushed against the bathroom stalls. 

I actually head in to see Jamie press Miles against the stall. 

It’s worse than when two men pop in your head as you touch yourself, I just stand there, but Jamie doesn’t release his grip.

“Why the fuck did you tell Turner?” Miles snaps again and Jamie shoves him against the stalls again, Kane wincing lightly yet still clenching his teeth, but not doing any movements to tick Hince off even more. But then he drops him and sighs, turning towards me, light relief on his tired face, before Miles speaks up again, pointing towards me. “Another boy toy, queer?”

And that’s when Jamie doesn’t hold and aims directly against his jaw and Miles gives a loud noise, causing me to grab the door handle as Jamie stops midair from doing another punch and Miles holds his jaw, his eyes sparkling lightly from the pain. Miles massages his jaw, not daring to move towards the basin, but his thoughts still linger on the wrong path. Once Jamie puts his hand down, Miles tries to aim but Hince dodges it and punches him right across the face, splitting his lip as Miles gives himself a second and a light cough before Miles tries to push Hince on the floor and Jamie just throws him against the basins and I quickly grab Jamie from behind, holding him down as he curses at me and unfortunately that’s when Miles charges again and I have to make sure both of us dodge his attack, as Miles nearly hits the mirror. Both me and Jamie glance back, scared of the decor in our shabby bathroom. I let Hince go as Miles just stops, breathing heavily and blood spilling on his shirt. 

Neither of us saying anything. Miles just starts washing his wound and Hince just runs a hand through his hair, glancing at me before back at Miles. Fear seems to leave me all of a sudden. The lack of it terrifies me as Hince thanks me for holding him down and I don’t really look at Miles. I quickly glance at him to see him washing his wounds. 

Hince nods towards the door and I feel my breath freeze up.

We all know. 

Jamie leaves first and I just look at Miles, both of us not talking and in the end I leave just to head to Jamie’s. I stop before his door which is lightly opened and I don’t hesitate to walk in and Hince is lighting two cigarettes and hands me one, as he locks the door as usual. He starts smoking and I just keep staring at him until he looks up from the floor with his green eyes. Love dismantles and you realize another. We keep looking at each other and frankly I realize that I’m not even sure much of our age gap. 

My whole body aches and I pull him closer, my cigarette burning in my hands and I close my eyes as Jamie smirks lightly and presses a soft kiss against me. We both cling onto the slow kiss, both aware of too much and I can feel his hands tremble and it’s not from the fight before all of a sudden. 

Jamie tries to break the kiss a few times and when he sees that I won’t, he pulls back, as he quickly inhales, not breaking eye contact with me. He muses on his words for a while and I just nod, but I don’t get a smirk, I get a small shrug from him.

“I love you, Alex.” 

“Same, Jamie.” And I think the oddest part is the fact that I actually use his name, rather than the feeling we’ve both been obscurely avoiding. Confusion doesn’t grace any of our faces as it’s been within us for far too long and Jamie just smiles, both of us aware of too many things at once. 

“I’m sorry-” I shrug. Jamie pauses. “No, I am. I- I hadn’t gotten over Miles yet and-”

“I’m not like Miles.”

“I’m not saying that.” Hince replies fast and starts fidgiting with his cigarette. He inhales and breathes out fast. “I...”

“When did you even fall in love with me?”I ask, smirking lightly, I’ve been too numb just to wake up with love in my arms. Maybe the death in my arms is love all along, since it’s the force which kills us, the sadness which drains us and I don’t think I’m dunked in water anymore like I was with Miles. Hince blinks at my change of a subject, but still holds a silence, nodding in apology.

“I guess somewhere around when I shook the thought off that you hold the same age as Miles when he dumped me.” 

“So it was about Miles?” Jamie shakes his head.

“No. It never was, that’s the thing.” He pauses. “It’s odd when you open your eyes to realize that the love you thought once existed was something else to another person. And when you do wake up one day and you realize that it’s something else.”

He pauses and keeps looking at me.

“Love isn’t destructive Alex, it doesn’t want to drown you, despite what Miles had both given us.” He keeps a pause and we both smile. “Once it’s gone you realize that it wasn’t love.”

He pauses to think.

“Love is the blood within you, really. I can’t think of any other way to explain it.” He smirks. “It carries you, both you and me are the assholes who have a suicide drowning fetish. You think love should ache, it shouldn’t, it should nourish you and be the one who disagrees with you on Tolstoy.” 

Jamie’s grin doesn’t fade. 

-

This whole chapter has a very nice I think circular form as it starts off with Al saying that love is destructive when he solely thinks of Miles and ends in something different with Jamie. I started writing this chapter with one mindset really and before I'd write a few phrases but I'm back to my hectic a few k a day which I missed and enjoyed and I am deeply happy to come back to, I actually feel liberated now finally. 

I tried not to include my whole bias and I've spoken to Callie, but then, like she said all of everyone's writing is biased based on their lives or emotions, so of course some of mine have leaked and my thoughts on love. 

I had originally intended for this chapter to actually include Jamie's and Miles' back story on their eleven year relationship, but pretty much this chapter got in the way xD

The whole thing about Hince came from a discussion between me and Callie (even if Callie knows much more than an average reader, I still keep a lot of the plot to myself or I just forget to mention it because I've got thousands of scenes which are coming up in To Miles xD) and we went into a debate where Callie said that Hince was a strictly a villain to which I argued and proved my point (this chapter was yet to be written) and we both re-read the story I pointed out the bits which are otherwise and Jamie's back story is just seen lightly and I guess if you want me to show hints just re-read Miles' talk on why he joined the navy and etc, I can give out links or point out moments xD 

Basically Hince is pretty much maybe my favourite second character is this entire story at this moment to be honest, because unlike Miles and Matt he was there for Al and is. But hey, everyone's thoughts are valid and bear in mind that I just love him a lot as a character and I kind of have to stick myself in Alex's shoes and he pretty much loves Hince so yeah, I'm biased here with Al xD 

The fight idea literally came from the fact that I realized that for the navy, I didn't have a lot of fights in this story and the idea of Hince and Miles fighting popped in my head and Alex holding Hince down seemed too appealing to miss.

Also my favourite scene in this chapter is when both Alex and Jamie duck xD 

And there's the confession scene which makes all of my plot go down the drain, yet it's very natural and just puts my whole plot in question as in what will happen now. I've got the main outline done but now the question is what happens to the Miles-Alex-Jamie love triangle and with Miles pretty much being an asshole lately to Al, I've got some musing to do and which I've been doing for the past few days XD 

Either way, Jamie's here xD

I've written poems where I described love as drowning and frankly, that's not how it should be, you really shouldn't be scared of someone who mistreats you, get the fuck out and get someone to yank you out of it. I guess Jamie is the person in this story. 

So yeah, quoting Jamie quoting me, love is blood. 

I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I did and yeah, my head is fucked right now as I don't think what was going to happen to Jamie and Al will happen as things have changed and in the discussion with Callie on Jamie's analysis I've realized myself that his feelings for Al are much deeper than I thought and intended and so are Al's.

Please tell me if you enjoyed this chapter and your thoughts xD don't worry it's not the end of Miles and Matt should show up soon :D and even if things change we are slowly nearing to the end of part 1 and To Miles will still be extended I just don't know how much but surely will keep going as this thing seems to be eternal in a good way xD I love everyone too much xD

<3

To Miles 27

Saints Preserve Us

My hands tremble as I keep watching the news, a cigarette dangling from my lips as I keep watching the media and from while to while I flick through the news channels in some odd hope that everything will go away, even if the mechanism has started and all is beyond my control. Kate tells me to soothe myself down and I glance down at the Rubik’s cube in my hands and I can’t seem to shake sleep off, so I keep twirling it around far too sleepily yet I still hear Alex’s footsteps as they are much heavier than Kate’s and Kate would be loud and would have already started a conversation with me. I turn around, inhaling and I watch my son, I blink a few times trying to stay away, regretting spending too much time at the range and the fact that doing it without a caddy in the rain seemed to soothe me somehow to get my thoughts out, to get everything out of my system, dragged me in just to drain me now. I nod at Alex and he gets next to the television right when they show a catapult.

“Hey, dad.” I exhale, holding the cigarette tight between my lips, still turning the cube around. I don’t know how come I’ve managed to solve them before. I sigh and I look up, nodding again, my brain is too turned off and I’m waiting for the interview to pop on the channel. Alex struggles. I move lightly and nod at him to sit next to me, but he doesn’t.

“Al-”

“You know how I told you I didn’t want to go with Arielle to the prom?” He is quite pale and his hair is messy, hands fidget and he’s in socks, still in school clothes and I just shrug and nod, so what if he doesn’t want to take Arielle. I’m sure he expects a reply and I shrug again 

“Yeah, no bother you can take Alexa or-”

“I don’t want to. I want to take...” And he stops. I try to flick a few girl names in my mind as I actually take the Rubik’s cube down and I take the cigarette in my hand, watching that half of it is gone already and I had chain smoked two already, the smoke sticking to my tongue far too much. I motion him to keep going as I rub my eyes. It’s just nine p.m. Kate’s too busy watching something on E! and I don’t want to bother, so I had taken this television and I don’t feel like having her snore next to me as I nearly bite my nails. 

“You can take whoever you want, Alex, we’ve talked about it.” Instead he doesn’t interrupt me and he keeps standing, far too much fear flashing in his eyes and I just continue smoking, wondering what is troubling him and the interview is about to start as I see flag waving on the screen. Alex is fully shivering and I don’t dare myself to approach him, my sleep still tugging on me to fall down and curl up to the side, not even approaching Kate. 

“I...” I feel like he’s about to break and I just stretch out the cigarette box, Alex takes one, not even realizing that I’ve never even known that he smokes. That gives me a small smile, but that doesn’t give me one in reply. “I want to take Miles.”

I stop with the lighter burning in my hands and I blink. I inhale and I start coughing. I violently shake my head and Alex starts trembling even deeper and I just stand up and take his arm, I’m too surrounded by own coughing so I motion him for a moment and he’s nearly as tall as I am. 

“Christ, do you have to take him to the prom?” I keep coughing. “Do you have to...”

I struggle to find the words. 

“Christ, Alex, can’t you two just lock yourselves upstairs or something?” Alex freezes, tears stuck in his eyes and an odd smile passes on his lips as if he has seen a miracle. 

“B-but-”

“I know Miles. He’s that fellow who came last week no? So invite him over, whatever. Just keep it low for fuck’s sake no fucking prom.” I hold from rolling my eyes as Alex just stands there. I’ve been there, Josh was crying last week over his daughter and had asked me what would I do with Alex and I asked him why is he asking me and that made me wonder. I had actually stayed up all night, wondering and the only person I could pinpoint with him was Miles who had even given me a flyer one night saying that I should stop destroying people’s lives and I just walked off to have Alex apologize, explaining that if Gillis would win the upcoming election I would be the Secretary of State and being in the Republican party I was of course conservative.

Which needs an explanation. 

“Shouldn’t I need to be against abortion?” Me and Josh had both flicked lighters at the same time. 

“Naw. Why? Sign that you’re against it and use a condom properly. Get money, get a nice house.”

“My house is nice?” I hesitated.

“Not as nice as it could be.” Josh had smirked. 

I look again at Alex who is still smoking, bittersweet from the scenario which his life has given him in the form of his father and I just shrug, smiling lightly. I blow a smoke ring and Alex tries to do one and coughs, which causes me to laugh and I just rub his shoulder, turning off the television, I know what’s going on in Ukraine anyway. I face him and mocking Kate take her voice and ask him about Miles. 

“Y-you’re not pissed. It’s against the bible-”

“Fuck the bible. Kate drags us to church coz she thinks she can dress up better than Karen for it.” I smirk. I recall how Karen got some hand made dress from India and Kate kept nagging how we should go and that I should loosen up for a bit. In the end I had to take a week off just for Kate to say that elephants in India looked ugly up close. And once she got three dresses Karen had said that she looked like a democrat in them, causing Kate to start quoting the bible which I had to learn for some speech as me and Alex watched her and in the end Alex started playing flappy bird in full volume in church with the sound on as someone decided to recall that condoms weren’t a bad thing and then everyone realized that not all of us had a dozen children, realizing that condom users or great pull outs were done among us. 

“I thought mom believed in God.” Alex just blinks, still a bit shaken and the only thing which I don’t offer is alcohol and drugs are out of the question as I’ve seen him pass a blunt with Matt and Kate had told me to fuck off, because she was also planning to do it later and I was the only sober one for the golf dinner as everyone else including the guests decided that it was a great idea to mix a cocktail party with sunglasses. 

“It’s not God who buys her a new wardrobe every Christmas. It’s Jesus.” I smirk at my own joke. Alex just smiles lightly. I bite the insides of my cheek, playing with the Rubik’s cube again, making sure I get the corners done first. 

“Look, Lana told Josh, Josh told me because Lana came out and he decided that she’s into witchcraft and I had to tell him that it’s not that.” Alex gets pale. I should really pick my words, but instead I focus on the cube. I glance at him, but I’m sure he can interpret my sleepy gaze as something else. “Look, just keep low profile and you’re fine. You’ve got a lock.”

I pause.

“Did you tell mom?”

“Mom said to talk to you.” Typical Kate. I tug on the Rubik’s cube. 

“Still what did she say?” I ask, wondering what did Kate say in the middle of Kim Kardashian giving birth or something on television and Alex just shrugs. 

“Nothing really. She said it’s ok and that as long as I tell you it’s ok and Miles is a darling.” Alex shrugged. I just agreed and I try to get the middle right as Alex watches me and doesn’t hold and takes the puzzle thing away from me and solves it causing me to sulk and he just pouts instead. I’m sure he wants more from me, but after I’ve heard from Josh that Lana muttered an Al, that it could’ve been mine, of course it crossed my head and I wondered, I’ve talked to Kate of it as she had been applying fake eyelashes and asking me if she needed a boob job in the middle of the conversation. I wondered about it for a while. The bible doesn’t say a lot, I mean, I think so. I’ve learned chunks and written notes to remember and wondered when the fuck can I go to the bathroom instead and pretend that I have diarrhea to avoid the whole thing. We’re all split in two, we’ve got those who actually believe that abortion is murder, we’ve got the ones who frankly don’t care and are closeted gay men but because they sponsor us, everyone keeps quiet and we’ve got those like me and Josh who were chucked in because of his dad. 

It puzzled me for a while. It wasn’t wrong, but it still nagged at the back of my head. I would never do anything that flyer which Miles had given me told that other parents do. I don’t think I’d even be mad. I’d really just shrug, it’s not for me to decide or dictate. All I can do is ask him to keep low profile and frankly fuck just not loud enough for me to blame the wrong countries while I watch television downstairs and that’s all I ask for. 

Miles had always been vocal about my job though, leaving booklets and asking me to sign petitions even when he and Alex wouldn’t have been so close. He seemed like a nice lad, but they didn’t seem to fit in my head too well, I guess because I haven’t really seen them together. Inviting Miles to dinner would involve Kate showing me her entire wardrobe and choosing the perfect tie for me when I would just wear a t-shirt, not bothering, when even Lila’s friends come over Kate thinks that it’s sexy when I wear a tie. Soon enough she’ll ask me to put on a tie when I sleep so that I wake up not importantly with a morning boner, but with a morning tie. 

“Just keep it low, please. That’s all. You got the room. Kick me, Kate and Lila out for the day if you wish, but please...” I blink trying to stay awake. “Don’t make it public. Josh is already getting warnings. And tell Lana to shut the fuck up as well. No one wants to know that we’re somewhere liberal. Soon enough they’ll think we are secret spies for President Martin.”

Alex smirks. 

“You think John will win the next election?” Alex asks and I shrug, hoping though. 

“He should. I mean, I’m tired of saving the whales and thinking that pandas will sink or whatever bullshit he’s into.” 

“Supposedly Martin has a trans child. I mean, that he has a daughter.” Alex tells me and starts shuffling the Rubik’s cube again. I sit up, gaining interest. 

“Really? How do you know?” I ask.

“Miles said that this girl who looks awful like Martin’s child had been asking for help from a LGBT organization where he volunteers in, but she is declining saying who her parents are and Miles just has a hunch, but it’s odd because Martin is pretty much democrat, so doesn’t make sense.” Alex sighs. “I mean, it would make sense if-”

“He was republican. I know.” We both tense up. I look down. “Just because-”

“You still vote against gay marriage a-”

“I do. I never denied that, but I’m not kicking you out of my house, am I?” I snap it lightly, which causes Alex to be alarmed. I try to soften up, but he has a point and I’ve given too many speeches and it still puzzles Alex more than a Rubik’s cube why have I not done anything, why haven’t I converted him into therapy? “Kate uses protection, we don’t believe in God, so why should I believe that homosexuals are wrong? Alex, don’t be daft.”

He is still tense.

“Martin had that scandal and look what’s happening in Kansas. And let’s not forget that he’s doing nothing about anything besides the fucking whales anyway.” Alex nods. I don’t think anyone believes in Chris these days. Not even his vice. I’ll be surprised if he manages to the next election without getting kicked out of the White House. 

“I know. Just...” 

“Officially, I hate gays. Yeah. As a politician, yeah.” I nod. “But I do want to meet Miles.”

Alex smiles.

“If you promise me he won’t give me another petition to sign unless he allows me to sign it as Frank Sinatra Jr or something.” I smirk. 

We depart and I fall asleep with Kate still watching, we didn’t discuss Alex, instead I just curled up, not facing Kate and falling asleep to the thought of me playing golf, something I had been doing for the past years, something relaxing and it’s always the range which always holds my earliest memories. 

I still drag Alex next day as usual to the meeting and Kate comes along just because she can get to see Karen and we all have to smile at her and Julian as in our wives’ heads it seems to actually matter what everyone is wearing, they depart in silence as their skirts seemed to be the same only in different colours. 

I keep nodding at Liam, who no one seems to bother to actually argue on his theory that we should cut off everyone’s genitals because Jesus came to him last night after his bachelor party (which Josh had told me happened in a strip bar earlier) to prevent everyone from having sex, as God will give us babies without sex. I glance at Alex, who I dragged along who seems to be playing something else than Flappy Bird and I quickly glance at the screen to click the home button before anyone notices that he’s on Grindr. 

As soon as Liam finishes I drag Alex outside for both of us to smoke and before I lecture him to not fucking have Grindr here he takes his iPhone out which I am thankful does not have a LGBT friendly case instead an exterminate the fucking whales, which Kate said all family should wear as we are a proud republican family. 

“For fuck’s sake after Julian showed up on a conference and said that Grindr was a fucking coffee shop app-” I start nagging as soon as we’re out because Casablancas had managed to flash his iPhone with Grindr on it and the jokes about all republicans being gay surfaced again, causing all the actual conservatives to mumble how the fuck could Julian ever think it was a coffee shop app unless he’s blind. Alex still keeps scrolling through Grindr and I remind myself to sumbtly hint that people should at least turn off Grindr when here since they are openly gay in apps. It’s not something I wouldn’t expect after hearing Liam’s theory on sex and life. 

“Dad, why is John Gillis here?” Alex cuts me off as I keep looking with my sight vision and I blink a few times to make sure it’s real. 

What the fuck.

“What.” I say and I yank the iPhone from his hands and I look at the future president’s photo as he seems to be in a wig and showing his torso rather suggestively. 

-

Please bear in mind the whole story has a satire feel to it for both political parties and etc. 

There was a recent odd thing I saw about Santorum saying that the Grindr app on his iPhone was due to the fact that he thought it was a coffee shop app of sorts and then Callie said imagine if you turn on Grindr at a Republican convention or something. To which I said yeah and two of them hookup. I started thinking of a story with Hince in it and Callie just blurred out what if it's Jack and Jamie there. And thus we started talking about it and I dropped writing To Miles for the day xD but I promise I will pick it up tomorrow :O 

I'm back to being a Hince fangirl so yeah :O and I've pretty much been into Fiji again and discovering Scarfo so it's like a fetus Jamie party haha xD and the title was taken from Fiji's song.

I kept thinking and the idea that Jamie would have a gay son who he accepts became Alex with his boyfriend Miles. I'm trying not to spoil anything xD I decided to make Jamie be in the golf business as well as I enjoy golf and I miss playing it so yeah xD 

I'm also using a lot of musicians for the first time, I don't know why but I pictured Josh Homme as someone who had dragged Jamie into politics. 

I'll also say that Jamie will pretty much be noble through out the story, so it's not a one time thing here, just saying :)

I hope you enjoyed it and I'm really nervous about it and please request it you did :) there's more ahead and yeah :3

<3