To Miles 13

It gets me anxious.

It drives me to the edge, as I hope Hince is back and everyone seems scattered and I look like I’ve been buried as I head back to the tower and I go towards Hince’s room. He’s not in, as I keep knocking and I even pull the door handle towards me, I start breathing heavier, even if Ezra wasn’t in my liking, I wonder if I would be ok with him as a priest, it is shocking and somewhat expected that a man who is protected to never touch a woman, is gay, but it still strikes me and I can still feel his taste in my mouth and warmth in my hand. I keep tugging on my bottom lip, waiting for Hince, pressing my forehead heavier against the door and I feel flushed and embarassed. 

But I’m still doing my job.

I am doing my job.

I want to sleep, but I want this over with. Something has too much rhythm in my head and I wish I’d just have Miles. 

“You do know that in Portugal they have this bizarre tradition, where the bridesmaids dress up as the bride to chase away the evil spirits?” The voice comes with the hand that goes onto my shoulder and I look up, as I had given up a few minutes ago and just sat here, thankful that people would avoid the tower and most likely someone had stashed some alcohol and most likely now it was being passed around and I wondered if it would reach to spin the bottle, surely some bets would be made and some drunk dares, but would people have the guts to play a game which resulted in homosexual acitivity?

I glance up at Hince, who has his hat on and I just stand up and he helps me up. I wonder how he had looked back when he was young and if he still had those circles around his eyes and how much had his wrinkles changed him and if he was skinny before and what had he been doing

it’s funny.

We head inside and Hince takes a box of cigarettes, stretches out to me and I just stand still, to which he shrugs and lights one for himself, letting the joy of the first drag keep our silence.

“Who is it, m’boy?” He asks me and I look at his table, hoping I’d see the bible, instead I see Fathers and Sons, which seems a nice choice all of a sudden and I’m happy to see it, so instead I leave my eyes rest there as the Captain follows my eyes then goes back to me to catch the faggot. 

The word stings me and I just try to keep looking at the cover. 

“It’s a good book.” Unlike Tolstoy, I want to add, but I add and I catch his dark green eyes. I try to scrub off the remains of my lipstick which isn’t too much and adds some bizarre masculinity in Hince’s eyes. 

“Oh, yeah, it is. I don’t like the love line though. It’s too sappy, but Bazarov sure is interesting, I hope-”

“He dies. He confesses and dies from his own recklessness.” I spoil a bit too harshly and the captain is a bit stung, bites his lip, holds himself and just breathes out the smoke in a haste to inhale again. Hince falls down on his chair and starts looking at the box of cigarettes, before opening the book to the end and for a short while he scans it through, before closing it. 

“Well, then he’s a moron.”

I don’t really say anything to him, instead I just shrug, feeling a bit chilly from the plain fabric as I couldn’t wear a shirt underneath or anything underneath and frankly I’ve got a big cut, which isn’t usual or handy as well and I’m in a skirt, meaning that I’ve pretty much got my legs exposed. 

I could say that I don’t agree and back when I thought I could find myself a girl, I had read it and frankly, the tension described there would be the best I’ve ever read, so it was even a bit insulting, but I don’t say anything and I can see that Hince wants this over with, but he gives me time to look at the curtains, how they are tied to see the night and the moon and I can’t see him looking at it, unless he’s pissed drunk and regretting his life, maybe even breaking the window. Eventually he opens a drawer and takes out the nail file, showing that he’s got enough things to keep him occupied and I wish I never touched his novels. 

"Son, I was thinking…" Hince says as he files his nails and looks at them, musing aloud. I see he wants a distraction to us both and I’m sure I am pretty pale at this point and shaking, it’s not even about Ezra, but about sending someone else. I thought I was cruel, but it’s getting to the point that I find it personal and I wonder how the fuck I’m I a gunner and how the fuck will I even shoot ships or maybe it’s because I know that Juju will be next and Miles could be among them all as well and my head. "Ok, well, nah, you could still be my son."

I try not to shrug.

"Basically I was thinking let’s cut off your job and mine. What if we try to catch all the homosexuals in two weeks? I don’t think there’s that many and frankly I’m sure you yourself don’t want a nasty queers hand down your pants." He smirks.

"Of course, Sir." I reply fast before thinking and I feel like about to faint and I even feel my feet wobble a bit, but I still stand still, things you learn and then Hince notices how pale I am and stands up, offering me his chair and I collapse onto it, closing my eyes and I feel his fingers on my forehead.

Shit, not you too. And I hope too much and then I feel water thrown right on my face and when I open my eyes, my body shivering I see Hince with a glass in his hands.

“Father Ezra.” I say and Hince curses outloud and I just close my eyes and I feel like crying.

“See, that’s why I want this over with, we feel bad for them, but they’re not like you and me, they are cheaters, they sneak into everything, even close to God, but we’ll-”

disguise ourselves like the bridesmaid, for the spirits to take us instead. 

It’s a weird metaphor and I don’t know why Hince had said it, but I just nod at him.

“I’ll try.” My voice is too low and the captain pats my cheek, also trying to bring me back to life.

“Go rest up, soon, you did well. Don’t worry God is always on your side, God chose you and God gave you those looks for a reason and I’m sure your girl is mad all over you.” He smiles at me and I try to smile back, but I don’t, instead I get yanked up and shoved out of the door. I press myself against the wall, wondering how the fuck

how the fuck

and I just keep walking downstairs, thankful that I hadn’t cried, I just look pale and I wave off Pete who invites me to celebrate and I quickly catch Miles’ who is heading to the canteen and I want to be in his arms, but instead I just briefly catch his warm eyes and head forwards towards the bunk room.

I strip from the bizarre fabric, wondering if the paint would still smudge me, but I don’t care. I go back to switch off the lights, knowing that my work for today is done and tomorrow all I’ve done will be gone and I really hope so, I wish I could just discharge without caring too much. I get into my bunk, by feeling my way and then I recall the dropped fabric and I just pick it up to throw on my feet, too lazy to open the coffin locker. 

Sleep just haunts me, not pouncing on me yet and I end up staring at pure darkness, sometimes hearing some faint voices and I wish for Miles to come see me, but he doesn’t for now, so I just start counting sheep, until I get bored and I wonder what else can I count, but counting men might get me too aroused and I had already jerked someone off today even if I also had sex earlier on.

I had sex with Miles and that thought lets itself creep into a smug smile and I replay the images, the feel and taste of his skin, Miles thrusting inside me and I know I’m alone and everyone is pretty much doing something else and I hope I don’t end up being suspicious, but anyway I close my eyes shut, pulling the covers up to cover my face once the door opens, light breaking the silent dead state of the room. 

In the nervous state, my greatest fear is the captain with his desire to catch everyone, but once I feel fingers stroke my cheek through the fabric with the lights now off again, I ease and I do a very audible sigh, which causes a small smirk.

He slides in besides me and I still have my face covered by the fabric in fear, but he pulls the covers and I see Miles and I just pull him closer to kiss him and I feel myself ease a bit, drift off somewhere yet stay pretty strictly in the moment as we both kiss. 

I don’t know what to say as we pull back and he still keeps stroking my cheek, as I lean even closer to him, putting my head on his shoulder and I wonder how much of a bad idea this is to sleep together, even if our crew is pretty much gay

and there’s

Julian. Shit. I open my eyes and I see his breathing slowly start to even out, as his arm is around me and I just slowly curse, hoping that it would stir him, but the only thing it does to Miles is bring me closer to him. 

Fear seems to strangle me as I lay back and his soft kiss on my cheek seems to still slip me into uncounsiosness and the only times I wake during the night is when someone opens the door, checks us out and slips on another bunk, not the one above, thankfully which is what I register, but then it’s more than common to have men sleep with each other, you’d be lying to yourself if you’ve never seen another man lay with another in the navy.

Or you’re in some high rank and men watch their hands when they’re in front of you, like in front of Hince. 

I feel myself woken up, as I wash my face with water, looking down to see the black suit with some dark flower tucked in the pocket and anxiety shuffling through my body, as I look at my reflection before powder gets shoved in my face by some woman, whose face is not too distinguishable and I see that I’m not the only one, a brush is used for my eyebrows and I just keep glancing around to see Pete and Carl with the same procedure.

In the end I am left alone and I just adjust my tie, my hair longer again and I feel a bit joyful, it feels weird to touch it, but I guess it’s been months and I try to recall, break something fragile, but my thoughts don’t wander off too long as I lean against the window sill, lighting a cigarette before seeing a no smoking sticker which I ignore on the wooden blinds. 

I get dragged to the ceremony and I can see silhouettes which should take me, which should mistake me for the groom and I just walk on to the aisle, practicing something which doesn’t make sense. I take small steps, but then I increase my speed, the groom wouldn’t want the attention.

But neither is this a wedding with a bride, so all bestmen should be mistaken for grooms, everyone has the same suit just like Miles and Julian, who are getting married and the joke was on Juju who wanted a dress with a veil, but it’s too strict here. And I see Miles, who is leaning against the altar and I feel my whole self heat up from just looking at him, just like the first time I had seen him and I wonder how many years it’s been and how come he still looks so young, even a bit younger and a different haircut, just a bit grown and he catches my eyes.

I just keep walking and I put my hands in my pocket, as I see Hince smoking a cigarette on the side, flicking the lighter, while humming and I just get even closer to Miles, feeling the silhouettes burst as I don’t hold and I kiss him near the altar, I guess, I’m the one mistaken for the other groom, making way for Julian

I guess I’m not the wolf any longer.

As he kisses me he says Julian’s name and it creeps onto me, but I ignore, clutching tighter onto him, as I feel some warmth slip from under me 

and I open my eyes to see Miles stand up. I feel bewildered and Miles turns around just to put his hand on my hair and stroke me back to sleep, as I try to hold onto the thin threads of the bizarre dream. 

“It’s Juju.” Is what Miles screams in the silver screen of my dream and I keep stirring, feeling Miles’ finger still on my forehead and I start breathing heavier.

The dream carries on, as I think I might even look like Julian with all that powder, but Miles glows too much and I am proceeded through the ceremony, I even get a bouquet which actually makes me ask aloud, not the fact how can two men get married, but why do I have the bouquet and why doesn’t Miles, to which the real Julian laughs and even his hair is longer and why is he in white blood stained trainers?

I see the silhouttes laughing and Ezra shows up to make sure we get the vows right, but he doesn’t seem to be here at some point, as the book just lays there and we have to crook our heads to read it from there. 

I’m sending a priest off, maybe this is the punishment I get

as I feel the silhouettes just take me, some fucking portuguese demons, just like Hince had told me but I yank myself up, bumping my head against the other bunk and I swear, as Miles is on the other bunk and I still feel like we’re alone, as I stand up to check the other bunks and I wonder how the fuck do we have curtains and who the fuck stole them from ashore. 

I still feel like I’m on the wings of my dream and I try to hold myself, I can’t go to anyone, the only person who knows is Hince. I hear Miles stir up.

“Al, you ok?” I shake my head and I’m not even aware of if Miles is adjusted to the dark already and I don’t care, I try not to cry and I just keep biting my lip, still letting the dream play in my head

everything

Ezra clutching me, as in reality Miles stands up, brushes my palm against his and turns on the lights. Maybe I’m sleepwalking, maybe I will forget about it in the day. Instead we go back to my bunk and I close my eyes and I’m sure Miles has the excuse of saying that I’m having a bizarre nightmare, which I am. I still keep shivering

as Ezra comes back in the dream and starts talking, but Miles tries to bring me back and I think the mute words are his as in the dream Miles’ hand slides down my chest and my breathing stops and then I get slapped across the face by Miles

I suddenly sit up, hitting the bunk again.

“What?” I wince and I feel my cheeks actually wet a bit. At least not too much.

“You were sleep talking, pretty anxious, well, making noises. You ok, Al? You even stood up.” Miles asks me concerned and he just pulls me close, not too close, we’re still under the umbrella of friendliness. I just keep up wincing for a while, covering my eyes with my arm and Miles sighs. 

“You want a cigarette?” He suggests and I just nod, as he puts a leg over me to get out, but instead he goes on top of me for a mere second and I take my arm off just to see his concern plastered across his face and I don’t hold and I pull him closer, holding the kiss for a brief while, before he gets out and gets a pack of cigarettes. He lights two and I wish we could’ve shared it, but instead I take my own and I feel myself slowly be in a less anxious haze. 

-

Ok, I know I skipped yesterday, but THIS IS LIKE NEARLY 3K @___@ 

The whole portuguese tradition caught my eye, as I am a superstitious person to a somewhat stupid extent if to be honest, but it's just some specific ones, so yeah, so reading about this one, I decided to use it as I came across it and I had the idea of doing a one-shot and then I have nano and I missed writing surreal things (but this one surely isn't as surreal as other stuff I've written, like Path (surely the height of that writing period I had xD)) so I was thinking and I decided to stick it in, to be true to nano and not just shove the one-shot into the word count, but use it as a dream, in general when you are writing nano, all is good and all will fit well somehow

and I guess it ended up being much much shorter than I wanted it to be obviously but story wise I'm happy how it is here and how it works here, if to be honest:) but I had much more in mind, but I guess, I'll keep it this way, dreams come back and continue (at least I had that through years) so who knows? :D 

And I guess giving Hince a bunch of Russian literature which I had to be tortured with through school, I decided to give him one of the few Russian novels I've actually enjoyed, so yeah. I'm sorry, but I really don't get people's obsession with Tolstoy or/and Dostoevsky, I mean, there's much better novels to read than waste your time, but hey, this is just me, pretty much. 

Hince's amazing idea came to me and I had written it down on my phone (I've been doing a bunch of notes lately, actually xD). 

And I was thinking if I should end this chapter on a cliffhanger, but I decided not to, keep it simple, so… the big reveal, well, not a big reveal, but something will show up in the next chapter and I think I've decided who the next one who will be sent off be, so yeah, I need it to be a big blow, so yeah. I'm sorry and I'm guessing it will happen in the next chapters, so yeah

oh and I forgot to say that initially I was really musing about the fact if I should make Alex a bit cruel, and initially he wasn't going to go to deep into the fact that he's sending off Ezra, but yeah

I hope you enjoyed it and yeah, feel free to request

<3

To Miles 14

To Miles 12

“I want to confess, Father.” I say as I enter the chapel, which is bigger than I thought it would be. And I want to confess that I want another man’s lips upon my own, which I will not say and instead I need to think of a lie, which is a sin, but if God were to exist, I’ve got enough sins and he’s been putting me through much to remind me that being gay is a sin. 

I realize my appearence and I wonder if it’s innapropriate, I haven’t been in church and I’ve been avoiding the damn place and frankly the fact that a room was used in a ship full of homosexuals, it seems even ironic and there’s nothing holly about this place. 

“I’m sorry, Father...” I rudely stop to hear his name, to address him properly.

“Father Ezra.” The priest smiles and nods for me to carry on, enetertained by the young man in drag. 

“I’m sorry, Father Ezra for my appearence, I understand that God would not approve.” I say and instead Ezra just walks up to me, while I stood near the door and frankly I’ve been yelling across the damn room. He seems nice and not too holly as well, I’m sure the priest enjoys some romps on these floors or in his wee prayer room or wherever he can rest. I’m sure he’s had blowjobs while holding onto the bible, maybe even blessing a soldier or a battle which would lay ahead. 

“Oh, no, son.” Son sounds weird, but he seems to be even older than Miles, so we’ve got the difference, but perhaps younger than Hince. “I do understand that the bible holds some things... which can be interpretated wrong, but you are doing this well, for fun. You’re not saying you are a woman and you hold no ill intentions.”

I smile. Sure, if he had been my priest instead of the one who spat excitedly as he would read the bible to me and Matt when we had still been dragged in. Matt had refused to go to church when I had told him I was a sinner and we’d just walk around the town, until we realized how bizarre we had looked and then we’d just be in his room, finding some comic books to read which had been either bought or borrowed. But soon enough we went to study, so it didn’t take too long. 

He could’ve gotten me into religion if he had given me his cock back then and I see that well, he’s just... gay and that’s pretty much it or I’m assuming too much. He offers me a seat and I sit besides him and I look behind, knowing that anyone can pretty much barge in. 

“...Do you have something more private, Father?” I ask and I lean slightly closer towards him. Oh, Father when was the last time you got laid?

Ezra just nods, motioning to the room behind the pseudo altar. I wonder if it’s a sin that I’ll be luring out the gay priest, because priests are above all and I’ll be killing God with his own damned men and frankly I’ve heard enough of God’s hate through the lips of millions. I feel a bit uncomfortable, knowing that most likely that’s where everything which is behind the scenes happens and I just get reminded of how the system works, whoever is above works his way through even more, something about Communism had its point about how everything worked, just that their theory seemed revolting, something which wouldn’t happen and locking themselves away with enormous power just to have Hitler soon hit the on the head, wasn’t too reassuring either, but then we are all going to be hit by the imbecile. The world in general is like Kafka’s Trial and you do get some fuck buddies along the way, only I haven’t been stabbed to death (it was stabbing in the end, wasn’t it?).

So I follow the priest and I wish I had longer hair which I could do something with, distract myself and fiddle, instead I can just undo the slicked back hair and try to pull it to look ridiculous, I guess despite me enjoying the job, there are a few downsizes. I mean, what is the point to forbid facial hair when you could pull something off, not that I can, but in general or the same hair length, sure we look like some bizarre kink of someone and I guess even just having men on a ship is already a kink, even if it’s not Hince’s. 

We enter and I see his bunk bed and books covering the table, I see a lot in latin, so I can’t really judge them by it’s cover, so they might as well be some porn written in latin, I wonder if it is, I mean, you can easily get away with that. I know that Paul had slipped in some book in french and kept it at such and I had simply struggled with it, not even knowing how the fuck was cock in french. 

I feel anxious, as I sit on the chair next to the table and so does he, fixing his collar and I wonder if he takes it all off or just lifts it up. I wonder what underwear he wears and if priests have special underwear, they do wear underwear, right?

I know nothing.

I had told Paul that I had known French which had brought up the book but frankly I knew shit even if I had a good grade all was done through me an Matt making notes and spending our time doing anything but French even fishing which involved doing nothing but it was hiding under the umbrella of 'fishing' where me and Matt slowly started discussing people we found attractive, leaving both of us uncomfortable. That's why I often question how people get good at languages by plain school knowledge.

So Paul had asked me if I enjoyed the sex scenes and I had said yes, as I had just flicked through four pages which he had noticed and I lied saying that I was rereading the amazing plot, which was a horrid lie as I had no young boy discovering his sexuality at a young age fetish, but point is, to Paul I still know French

Why hadn't we talked in French also made me doubt his French so we left it at such until Daniel had spoken to us in French and Matt had quickly dismissed it.

Of course I hung around the pilots and frankly they're all cocky assholes, something which I lack and had used to gotten friends as from a young age, being introduced to the neighbor's son Matt who from a young age wanted to be commander of the Air Force.

I try to distract myself as Ezra waits for me to confess and I just start playing with the skirt of my dress. I don’t know what to confess, frankly, I know where I’ve sinned and where can God forgive, but if I keep going on it’ll be an endless circle of me keeping Ezra (metaphor for sin) and sucking him off in the name of God, as afterwards he’ll kiss my forehead and we’ll apologize for sinning with the taste of dried cum in your mouths, lovely. 

I wonder if Ezra kisses me if he’ll feel the taste of another man’s tongue.

But I know he won’t know that I had kissed Miles before hand or that we had fucked, everything to him will be horribly new and even exciting. 

I don’t know how should I attack and Ezra still waits for me and I see him open the bible and I wonder if I should be the one doing things and how far should I push him, maybe I should take the fact that I was chosen as a compliment as usually Matt would be the one chosen to dance with girls, even if I wasn’t too interested in them, but I had still wanted to dance. In the end once me and Matt had danced in my room and looking back I wondered all this times how come we had never made out besides that one time, but then when you think nah, if it were me now, we’d be rolling on the floor

which we weren’t

and life is a constant waltz with tension, so I 

I should do something, even if declines, he can still get reported, my arm won’t be twisted, his will be. It’s like choosing a random target to shoot at first, using the chance before you’re shaking. 

“What is it?” Ezra had asked me and I can see that he’s tense, so I stand up and I go behind him, putting my arms on his shoulders and I feel like a rent boy all of a sudden, pleasing Hince, as if he would be watching and I wonder if he’d be jerking off to this as well, as I place a kiss on Ezra’s neck.

He doesn’t do anything. I just feel him tense up even more, but he doesn’t decline my lips as they start trailing kisses upon his neck and I let my hand stroke his chest over the fabric as I slide my hand down, roughly lifting the dark robe, unzipping his pants, frankly I didn’t want to see his eyes and I don’t think he wants to see mine.

I take his cock in my hand, biting his neck, traveling to his cheek and I break the barrier by pulling his head closer to my own and we kiss. It’s just a soft brush before Ezra deepens it and I start stroking him, trying to get Miles out and out of my head.

Should I still be doing this?

Should I still be jerking off a priest to one day say that I had jerked off someone who is a “virgin” to the public, law and God? 

It feels to kiss him, it’s literally because there is a mouth on mine and I rub my tongue against his when he does and I just keep doing the same hand movements. Maybe I should’ve continued with Julian, but I can’t and I feel like I’m playing Russian Roulette with Julian until I get shot, otherwise there is no way out of it and the guns don’t seem to be loaded, but Julian’s is and we’re both committing suicide

wow, that sounded romantic

he dated Miles.

And I’m fucking a priest.

Ezra’s near and he pulls my lip and I feel bad that I am getting turned on, as he starts thrusting against my hand, his eyes still closed when I pull away from the kiss, yanking me back into it, but we just hold our lips. 

I’m in love with someone else and I don’t even want Ezra to touch me even if well, sex always turns you on, someone else coming turns you on and I breathe heavier as Ezra comes on my hand. I kiss him lightly, hoping that he won’t do anything and we just pull away.

Ezra hands me a pack of tissues, fixes himself and doesn’t even bother to touch me, is that how he thinks he’ll remain a virgin. He takes out a box of cigarettes and matches, lights one and fully relaxed he looks up, breathing smoke in my face, him still shivering from the orgasm.

“What do you want to confess, son?” I just stare at him shocked and frankly with a big erection and I am thankful that I am still behind him and he is not interested in touching me, not even kissing me again. I watch him inhale deeply. “If it’s about homosexuality, I’d be punished so many years ago. God doesn’t give a damn, the people do.”

And I pause to look into his green eyes, he feels like he knows what he’s saying but then if God did think so, what was about to happen, wouldn’t happen to him.

“Everything is natural, all what God creates is meant to be. Even the pain we get for being gay.” He looks at me. “Son, you just make me cum, unless you’re having doubts about women. In which case, ah, whatever. What did you want to talk about?”

I wipe my lips off, the lipstick leaving trails of blood on my hand and Ezra holds the smoke in his mouth as I just head out of the private room, looking back to see Ezra shrug and continue flicking through the bible, as if nothing had happened and I close the door, happy to see no one. I guess I could pray, but I’m not sure I want to, not just because I have evidence on my right hand, but more like I don’t think it’s even about me being holy, it’s about God being holy or rather not being holy all of a sudden. 

I simply leave to have more sailors punch me playfully, congratulate me and I just wait, not even bothering to fish anyone out, I just watch their amusement, tugging at my dress and adressing the rumors that I knew how to work with a needle and fabric. I feel fucked. I feel used.

I am used.

I-

-

And I've touched one of my favourite subjects to write about which is pretty much religion, church and sexuality (all we're missing is death here xD, but a lot of deaths lay ahead, so yeah? xD) 

Initially I was planning for them to at least have basically some sort of… touching? But having Alex just jerk off Ezra seems more appropriate and in general, I liked the idea and I'm pretty obsessed with minor-esque characters here like Jack for instance, I still regret killing him off and who knows maybe Ezra will drag a bit for longer (I mean Julian is… still here >:D no seriously, it breaks my heart about Julian T___T) 

The chunk about french with Paul and the other pilots was actually written on my mobile after I had to hop off the train (I love writing on the train :3 :3 :3 no seriously, best thing ever xD) and I still had my thoughts so yeah:3 

This chapter was supposed to end after Ezra asks Alex what does he want to confess, but I saw that it was short and frankly it is nano and I wanted to publish a chapter, so I ended up writing (got anxious about it as usual) but here it is :D and I should really sleep XD

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you, feel free to request:3

<3

To Miles 13

To Miles 11

The canteen was decorated, by decorated I really mean Carlos throwing old bed sheets all over the place and cutting them as snowflakes and ponies, saying that it looked queer enough. But before I could observe everything, when the lights were turned off to make us walk in, I had been yanked aside, pulled out of the canteen by our dear captain Hince, who gave me a thumbs up, who had whispered in my ear that I should get some faggots tonight and he is sorry and thankful.

Funny, he has no idea how much I’ll enjoy a shag.

And as I walk, I realize that I should really sleep with other men and I’ve pretty much been monogamous.

Thankfully I don’t fall too much behind, so I just increase my pace, as Julian starts singing first as Pete and Carl join hands to do some bizarre waltz while tumbling for the comic effect as me and Miles just watch. 

I can’t date Miles, well, I can never date publicly, but I can’t just solely be with him, I should still take other men

I glance at Julian and I just look away, trying to make out the faces, who would be interested in a shag tonight with a drag queen and who would I not know enough to forget I had sent off, killing of a stranger is easier, that’s why we all go into war so easily and we avoid civilians. 

It feels horrid but I start the awkward dance with Miles, trying to tell myself not to think what I’ll have to do, that I’ll have to keep my dress longer, avoid my crew and take which ever man will be unlucky enough to score five years in jail

and what if it will be Julian?

Julian stops singing and he stays silent before the men start clapping and it feels shocking, that I wouldn’t see Julian even if I hadn’t known him too long and I don’t even know how good he is of a shooter, since he is younger than I am, he’s the youngest of us all and with his stripes, I’m guessing his good

and which authority do I follow if Julian decides to sleep with me?

Do I follow war?

But then even in war, we homosexuals are unwanted.

We are always unwanted.

But then he wouldn’t get killed.

But then what if he’s the one who does the difference if we get attacked?

But then how can I know which man will change history and if anyone of us will even survive a horrid attack?

What if all of this is useless?

Miles squeezes my hand and I realize I had kept on twirling, nearly on my own, which had caused a few smirks and I had stopped. Julian had started singing again and I didn’t feel at ease from it at all. It’s weird that maybe to Miles or anyone on stage, being all of us in this small canteen at the same time meant that besides Hince (or maybe even Hince himself) there was someone who was catching the gays here. Catching the gays in the navy was as bizarre as catching the girls in primary school, still done, but just as bizarre. I wondered, looking at whoever I could see if they’d do the same thing as I’ve done.

We start singing Sweet Home Chicago, which Pete had wanted to sing, but Juju had said he was getting it wrong, so to avoid conflict and since Miles also wanted a shot, it had been decided that everyone should sing it, I myself didn’t want it, but I was dragged into it, so pretty much Julian tried to sing faster than everyone, Pete was taking too long and Miles kept glancing at me, apologizing and even mouthing at a pause with a grin afterwards.

Afterwards Carl had decided that he’s had enough of our dreadful unsynchronized singing and frankly, we weren’t prepared at all and we all looked ridiculous and Miles had managed to scrub off his lipstick, as if he had bitten someone’s head off and I had flinched while Carl was tuning the guitar. I tried gesturing to him and now his whole chin is red, so I figured, I’ll just do worse.

Carl started playing the can can and we all got hold of each other, Julian forgetting to raise his legs and I was thankful that we all had underwear on, that none of this was done on a drunk head and no one who didn’t want to would see someone else’s balls, but I guess what mattered was the laughing and the confused Julian who decided to back out, go up to Carl and start clapping in his own bizarre routine which the canteen has decided to follow, leaving confused Carl to drop the song.

Pete starts making a circle, yanking my arm and all four of us, start running in a circle and I really wonder how the fuck I’m I supposed to attract other men with this, but I guess out of spontaneous Pete and Miles who looks like he’s the son of Dracula, I guess I still manage to hold something. Or maybe I think of myself too high. 

After a few more songs and me trying to dodge my turn, I had managed to do so, not interested in singing and after ten minutes of Pete doing some weird improvisation where he had flirted with the audience, it was all over and I think I bowed too low, feeling the anxiety creep out on me, as the blood was rushing away from my head, but my ears were ringing.

I needed to give someone to Hince and the fact that I had to do it so soon was killing me. I straightened up and everyone who had been holding the silence had started talking and the lights were turned on fully, someone nagging at the cooks for not cooking and watching our performance so it would take a while for dinner, making it late, but I saw Hince motion with his hand, that it didn’t matter and I had met him, as he followed me. Miles approached me, patting my shoulder and I just tensed up, scared that the wrong things would be assumed so I apologized and shook his arm off, causing the Chief Petty Officer to be confused, but it wasn’t the time.

I had a few men approach me, tell me that the dress was lovely, while trying not to crack up laughing, but I faked a smirk, which caused them to laugh again and frankly I didn’t care and I couldn’t find Julian until I saw him go towards the cooks and even dissapear behind the kitchen door. Maybe he was going to help or sneak off something for himself. I honestly didn’t know, I just nearly prayed that he wouldn’t end up sucking someone else off and get caught, because I’m the one who is supposed to be wolf.

I don’t think taking off the dress is a good idea, so I have to choose where to go. But I still need some cigarettes, although I could borrow them from anyone and in the end it would strike a conversation. I wait for everyone who wants to talk to me, talk as I observe each and every one of them, too scared to decide who might be gay, my whole self tensing and at a point I press my fingers against my lips, letting them reach the colour of blood and the one who looks at me is the ship priest. I catch his green eyes looking at me. I try to look away, but eventually I see the priest leave. I approach Pete who has managed to get hold of a cigarette box and I get one for myself, trying to avoid Miles, but I still congratulate him.

I find my eyes glued to his lips, which twitch into a smile, noticing where my eyes are looking and instead I just inhale very deep, wishing that I could just kiss him, even for a brief time which wouldn’t cause any confused stares, judgement and accusations or even fear for being exposed, so instead I don’t and I turn around heading towards the crowd, knowing that he’s following me. We exit the canteen and pretty much everyone is left there. His lipstick is gone, he even managed to scrub off the one upon his chin.

I sigh.

“I...” I start speaking and he leans a bit closer to me, flirting with me, but it’s not too close for anyone to suspect anything and sometimes I wish that the rules “straight” men go by here that it’s not gay if it’s on a boat would apply to me and that I could pull of a kiss.

I don’t know what to tell him and neither can we be open with each other here and I don’t know what to say and I can see that Miles is struggling as well.

“...let’s meet later on, no?” I gulp and I pat his shoulder, heading up to the deck, hoping that there will be someone who I can close my eyes upon and shove out of the boat. Stepping out into the air, makes Miles’ sad nod stick in my eyes as I walk upon the deck, letting the wind mess with my disaster of a dress, but at least the stitching is good, I’m proud of myself. I head on to reach and lean against the rails, nearly trying to trip myself over into the sea and it’s even a bit cold and I hope training will begin tomorrow and I glance at the turret, which is behind me, wondering if I can just go inside there and sit for a while, maybe even forget that Hince is expecting me to catch out someone. 

Maybe I want him to follow me. 

I recall the priest and I wonder about him with his small smile and excited eyes.

Maybe not everyone in the navy is gay?

Maybe it’s just me and the rest of the gunners. 

I want to feel Miles’ fingers against the back of my neck or get a letter from Matt, I wish I could tell him properly that I had gotten the job, that I was getting laid, but it wasn’t doing me much good, I’m sure Matt, had he been gay, would’ve enjoyed it, he never really stuck to much women, maybe that’s what had convinced me that maybe he was gay as well.

I keep inhaling too often, trying to brush off my thoughts, but when you open a box all the past lovers come sliding out, just like Paul who I had pinned down, after I had wanted more and we had actually fucked on my bunk, which looking back now I honestly wonder how the fuck had we had not been caught

or Jack, whose photo still haunts my wallet and sometimes I just take it out to see his proud face. All the pilots had been from the same carrier and we had all bonded, some stronger, some weaker. Lana kept her distance from a few, besides me, as I had randomly asked her to who she was writing and she had just said some girl who was her friend and I just knew. She had then told me about Alison, maybe she had caught me and Paul somewhere, we weren’t too cautious and it had been much before than he had been sent off, of course.

There were rumors that the captain had been gay himself, but even if people didn’t try, it would still be covered, not to be seen to the naked eye. 

I recall how scared I had been when Paul and Daniel were sent off, Lana had been onshore then, shooed off not to distract men and Matt just silently opened my coffin locker, as I had just sat on the floor, crying, shocked and he had thrown my brown wallet at me, reminding me that even if I had been with Paul, I still had another man in my mind. I had told him to shut the fuck up and he had just sat next to me and I kept crying as he held me, stroking my back and I don’t think anyone would’ve thought of something else, everyone was sad to see Paul leave, same for Daniel, that also meant lack of drag entertainment. 

Everything had been quiet and my own time to transfer was going out, same for Matt’s. 

I had spent the first days by myself, waiting for Matt, scared to peak on board and I had visited where Jack had been buried or rather the empty grave. It wasn’t too hard to find out and after all, you still visit your friends and I had sat there, wondering what I’m I doing

and it’s not like his ghost would appear and I would know what the fuck had he felt. It’s not like anyone would tell me what they feel, but I still wished I’d seen him one last time even if it would break my already shattered heart. 

But I know who feels something about me and I’m avoiding him.

I throw out the cigarette onto the sea, wishing I could swim, but not at this time and I should catch someone before dinner, I should make Hince lay off me, somehow, but I can’t and no matter how hard I try, I’ve still got to shove off more and more men

because frankly I think all of us here have at least sucked off someone else, so until everyone is gone, there’s no point in Hince giving up or myself in this case, since I’m a pawn covered in chalk. 

I wonder if I should head to the chapel and confess something, just to lure the priest out and I wonder how scandalous that would be and if there is a point in anything which I’m doing besides saving my own skin, I don’t even want to touch anyone else. But then I can’t lift my hand up on Julian and so far, I’ve seen the priest even with all his robes and prayers in his head. 

The decision is swiftly made and I head back down, hoping not to bump into Miles, muttering that under my breath until I find the chapel and I run my hand through my hair, wondering why didn’t anyone buy wigs on shore, which would’ve been much better for our performance, but it’s done and I’ll have to sew again for the next time, of course unless the US stops being blind and we’ll actually do something to help Europe from the nazis, but by the looks of it, all we can do is pray and the fact that there ain’t no God, shows how useful that is. 

-

I really hope the drag show was fun and finally a character which I've been holding up appeared. Um, I think it's obvious even if his name wasn't mentioned :O 

And yes, I ship Lana and Alison, it's my er… crack ship? Anyway, yay XD I just realized a while ago I didn't mention her name, anyway, I'll remain quiet on the matter.

Now, why was he chosen to be a priest? Well, I was thinking if he could be a loader, but in the end, a priest seemed funnier to me xD so yeah:3 

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request the next chapter :O

<3

To Miles 12

To Miles 10

Let time hold us, still catching our breath and pulling each other into kisses, wondering what the fuck have we done, both emotionally and physically frankly in a place where anyone could’ve been with us to tell Hince. Even if I’m the prime betrayer. 

“Shit, I should’ve...” Miles looks scared now. Well, frankly we’ve tumbled into a point we both didn’t want to reach. “Made it more... romantic.”

“Yeah. During the beginning of war, gays being illegal and us.” Miles smirks, rolling his eyes and knocks on the floor. “And in the orlop. Honestly, Turner, I was just as romantic.”

We without noticing it are laying side by side, just our arms touching and staring at the ceiling. 

“I still... love you, y’know.” I smile, both genuinely and scared of my own emotionally predictable actions. 

“Would’ve been funny if you didn’t know.” Miles smirks, a bit sadly. I feel like we keep reversing positions, glancing to see who is ahead, so that the other can slack off. “I’m joking... just that... let’s say it’s not the best idea right now.”

Miles sighs and I pull him closer to me, stroking his hair.

“All will be ok.” I kiss him.

“Yeah, in and out of jail.” Miles sighs. I kiss his temple. 

“A lot of gay men managed, so can we.” I say, trying to sound positive in my words. I cup his face. “Look, I know it’s shit and maybe I’m not too good either and frankly, I just confessed and I am damn scared, but fuck, I don’t think everything will be-”

“I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone as much, Al.”

“Same. That makes it even better for me.” I smirk. “Look, we both know that many get away with it. Even if we won’t, I’m not dropping seeing you or frankly making myself avoidable. I’m sorry, I’m tired of this waltz.” 

We kiss again, but we’re both tense and we are getting closer to jail, closer to get discovered and I’m chucking everything away and I’m not telling him I’m the one sending everyone off. 

“Look, I love you. I even went after you.” Miles reassures me and I smirk and I tell him there’s no need, but he still goes on. “...I knew it was you at the bar then, I just wasn’t sure it was a good idea. Then I just sat there, regretting, look, I liked you. That’s why I tried to find out if we played for the same team, really.”

I look at how anxious he is and I love him, the word is out among us and it feels threatening to know that he can control me, but so can I and that’s not very comforting. I simply smile at him, feeling his own smile surface. It’s funny because I’m supposed to look like I play for the other team and I do. I feel bad for changing the subject but I don’t want him sitting here anxiously. 

“I can do your dress next, you know.” I smirk and I feel horrid but I keep glancing at the staircase and frankly it’s not too warm here either even if it’s just a day over summer. I sit up and I feel awful about it, as Miles starts feeling up whoever’s pants under his back for a cigarette box. 

“Oh. Um. I don’t think I’ll do it. I’ve never really done... drag.” Miles confesses and looks away, most likely juggling the fact that I look excited about sewing and the fact that he doesn’t want an extra work load on me. 

“Don’t we all have to do it?” I smirk and I feel the other pair of pants and get a box out of it, offering Miles. 

“I know. But I was thinking I’d be able to get a tambourine and I’ll just... shake it.” He smirks. “In the corner as you guys strip or something.” 

Miles takes the cigarette and now the search for the lighter continues, as we keep blindly pressing our hands against the fabric, trying to find the damned small thing and eventually we do, at the same time, Miles giving me the honor as I take it out and I lean deliberately too close to light his cigarette and once he inhales I take it out of his mouth to kiss him. 

“I love you. And no, I’ll be in drag, you can be in drag too.” I blow smoke in his face as he sighs, looking that he’ll have to do after all. And I guess we all have to, but I never found anything wrong with it, frankly, who cares what you are dressed in, I’m pretty much sure I’m a man and I like men, I’m even in love with one, I think I’ll keep this thought and feeling tucked in. “Look, it’s just a costume and just imagine that well, you’ll make everyone laugh. If you were looking for someone I’d say you’d even get a fuck. But then you’ll get one anyway.”

And he presses his head against my shoulder, kissing it and then just resting there, his arms wrapping around me and I feel his kisses on my neck and I shiver lightly.

“Miles, I need to sew the damn thing and yeah. I mean.” I swallow, feeling awful and wondering how beautiful he looks in my arms. 

“Yeah. I guess so.” He lifts himself up and we look at each other for a while, small grins before we kiss. In the end we wonder for a bit whose pants are where and it gets to the point that we’d even flip a coin, but Miles sees the stitching a bit off on his pockets, so that becomes the identification and we just dress up. It’s funny how we put each other’s hats on. I wonder if someday this will become the gay uniform or anything, but then it is already.

“Did you ever think how gay this uniform actually is?” I point at the hat. “We’re like school girls for middle aged men.”

“I think that’s why we all go to the navy.” Miles smirks and tilts my head, so that I have to fix it and he watches me amused. I make a fake pout.

“Stop looking at me like I’m a schoolgirl.” I mock him and we straighten both of our uniforms. I want him again, but even the orlop can be somewhere where we can be found, but right now we just look as if we had went down and for some peace and quiet and America is so damn blind that any homoerotism unless you take it up the ass is pretty much not noticed, you’ll sometimes see the queerest of men being doctors and they’ll be there all their life with fake wives and maybe even the guy’s husband will be a dyke and you’ll never know unless you’re gay yourself. 

We come back up, Miles with the box under his arm, we keep our silence, maybe everything locked for a while even from ourselves. I feel two emotions awkward as Miles undresses so I can measure him and it’s weird knowing that I’ve touched his skin and I try to hold myself as I brush my fingertips against his skin and eventually everyone comes in and sit on the top bunks, as I make my last measurements.

Then it’s Pete’s turn and I look at his tattoos, not saying anything, Miles racing in my head and I can still imagining him kissing my neck. Carlos eventually comes in, thrilled and bringing even more bed covers to destroy shamelessly. I don’t feel too comfortable with my eyes wandering off, checking out the bizarre mermaid and I feel like the one above the nipple is also pretty intimate to see, which is weird, because we do end up seeing each other naked regardless if we want it or not. It’s even got nothing to do with our orientation, it’s just a bunch of men on a ship

and all women are shooed off, unless you’re on a carrier and then you get some test pilots dropping in, but other than that it just feels like they are shooed away just to keep this like an inside of a strict male only gay bar. 

It’s funny how society is supposed to be divided in two. I’m supposed to be taken what’s for granted and it’s funny how everything which doesn’t fall into the classic white, middle class, heterosexual is then chucked and can be called a woman.

And we’re making a show out of it.

We’re all playing women and well, even if I’m gay, they are still part of society and I do care about Lana, I’m just not close to many people, but just because she doesn’t answer my sexual preferences doesn’t mean I’ll avoid her and want the worst for her. 

I start finally stitching the parts together, Carlos eager to get his done, so that he can help me and he wants it to be the most dashing and every second he tells me that he either wants it longer or shorter, so I keep re-pinning the hem, as he walks to the bathroom and back, as some other sailors had already whistled at him. Everyone besides me and Carlos engage themselves in a game of poker and I watch them in the corner of my eye. 

“D’you get a lot of sailors, Carlos?” Julian smirks, as he tells to everyone else that he’s out, to which Miles and Carl exchange glances and Miles gives up as well. Dengler smirks, as he motions for me to pin it up a bit more and he just glances down and he gives me a thumbs up. I thank the Lord for this brief moment of acceptance and motion him to take it off and he stands patiently as I keep sewing it, it doesn’t take too long, as I want to speed it up.

“Oh, yeah, I did, I am an attractive young man, after all.” Carlos smiles and I just kneel my head lower and I try to concentrate on the plain white fabric, wondering who the fuck is going to draw on it and what. I can’t really draw and I don’t think stick men will be too appealing and my trees are always crooked. My handwriting isn’t too pretty either, but it’s pretty much close to boring, even if math is supposed to give you a bright future I’d be a bit envious of those who were better with words. I wrote a short story once and a girl who had stolen another one for an assignment got the prize, so I had just chucked it aside, knowing that I knew how to count everything in a triangle and I’d be better than her at that.

“Well, you’re in a dress, so... young woman?” Julian smirks and Carlos just crosses his arms. Oh, great, we’ve offended him. I don’t bother and take a piece of fabric in my mouth, pulling the other edge to make a proper cut. I should really use the scissors, but all regrets can be rubbed out and I motion Carlos back as I start sewing the top of the dress.

“Well, just because I am in a dress, doesn’t mean that I am a woman. After all, all of our clothes are just a performance to show who we are. Like, in our uniforms we are sailors, but that doesn’t really stick us into any typical stereotype, does it? I mean, sure, a lot of sailors are homosexuals, everyone knows that, but I’m not gay and surely my outfit doesn’t say that. Same about gender, why if I wear a dress I have to be a woman? Sure, I love performing as one, it’s fun, but that in no case makes me less of a man.” 

“Oi, we’re not all gay... right, guys?” Is Julian’s response, Miles just smirks lightly and we catch each other’s gaze. In the end everyone agrees and declines being gay, which is what happens, but when you’re new you get thrown into this pot of anxiety just like Julian lightly is and he looks like he wishes for the next round to start and possibly he wishes he could have his cards on his hands to hide. 

But Carlos’ speech still digs in and I meet his eyes, not expecting something deep from someone who seems so shallow sometimes, but in the end I just finish stitching the hem, making the cut a bit lower and hoping that he’ll shave his chest for the proper effect but by the fact that he brought make up and was the whole initiator, it calms me down.

“But...” Julian speaks up. “I agree with you, on the whole... woman thing, I guess. I mean, I’m still me... just in drag.”

“There you go.” Carlos motions at Juju and smiles at him and I just tug Pete’s leg motioning him to be the next. I don’t really say anything other than sew and check each measurement, fix the hemline and listen to what according to Carlos would be sexy on Pete, which he decides would be a sidecut and I hold my smirking and proceed cutting the material, with scissors this time. Carlos speaks up after a while. “After all, all roles in theatre were initially done by men, all women as well. Well, we’ve had one actor for the entire thing as well, we’ve had everything. All we don’t have is acceptance. But that should come. I mean, even if people grumble, drag shows are still popular and they are nothing harmful after all.”

I leave Miles for the end, as Julian feels a bit out of place and I can see him wondering too much, but I don’t brush him anywhere to support him, keeping my hands to myself and Miles tingling in my thoughts. I wonder what would’ve been if we had met on shore and where would it have been.

Well, surely, I’d try to look better than just my uniform which he will pretty much see me in for the rest of all the time. Right. We both might be transferred elsewhere. Right. Shit. 

It feels bizarre coz I’ve had that with Matt, but then it’s different, we’d keep departing and frankly, I’d see him on shore anyway and he’d tell me who he had fucked and if I wasn’t sober enough I’d tell him who I had fucked on a boat and if he wasn’t sober enough he’d ask me to be more graphic and we’d laugh about it. 

I brush my fingers too much against Miles’ skin as I had finished his dress and the rest of the guys, as they kept playing poker, not daring to bet yet, keeping it loosen so that I don’t have to throw pins at them and Carlos ended up helping me in the end, as time was running out and we were nearing the time. Carl was going to play, so all we had to do was choose the songs, which the most popular choice had been Over the Rainbow, which Carl had started strumming as I was fixing Miles’ hem, glancing into his eyes too much and eager to make out with him, but I held myself and soon enough Carlos had to finish my own dress as I had to pull it on and resist from swearing as he kept hitting my skin with the pins, but I had distracted myself by glancing at Miles who was still playing on the top bunk.

Then everyone was left with their own creativity to draw whatever they had though appropriate on their dresses and think of small sketches, which Pete had thought the flag multiple times was the best choice, so he had went with that. I ended up with bizarre stripes and patterns, not even risking, while Carlos had managed to do some big yellow blobs which were supposed to be stars and he had been rambling that he should’ve brought something with him. In the end we had looked like a children’s sketchbook, but it sure looked comic, so I’ll give that.

I think the only thing which was good was the makeup which was matching to everyone else’s done by Carlos. He struggled to get lipstick on Miles’ lips, which was funny to watch, because I had previously seen Paul and he had told me how to hold my lips, but Miles was struggling and in the end I was the one holding his lips, trying not to wander off, as Carlos applied it. We got given too much glitter on our faces, that I felt like I was a Christmas tree and the glitter seemed to be stuck yet some would end up on my fingers and shoulders soon enough, as if it had multiplied and it’s offspring decided to spread. Bizarre light blue eyeshadow was given to us as well, blue, Carl had mocked had been given because we were all sailors. 

Pete and Carlos had headed out first, Julian trailing after Carlos, we had all decided to go barefoot, having a “nymph” look which had caused Juju to laugh and me and Miles quickly hold a laugh, giving some slack off to Carlos. 

Miles had noticed that I had been playing with my dress, just to stay behind, as he took off his hat and left it on his bunk and I had hugged him from behind. He relaxed in my touch, as I rubbed my nose against his neck, knowing that any smudged lipstick or lipstick traces wouldn’t be a good idea or giving Hince the wrong alarm, when I knew the dreaded thought who would be next, once I could get my hands off Miles. 

-

I'm sorry for not posting yesterday as I've been anxious as usual about my writing xD (which I always am xD) about the plot and yes, the drag show is in the next chapter :O 

I love them and yeah, I really love them together and yeah, I dunno what to add xD

Carlos' speech was planned quite a few days ago but originally it was supposed to be directed at Miles, but I had covered it in the beginning of the chapter, so I had chosen it to be aimed at Julian instead.

Ah, Juju… or will it be Miles? Honestly, I just love throwing random questions to get people off the right trail or sometimes I spoil, so err yeah xD

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to ask for the next chapter and now, I'm off to bed and I promise I'll have a new chapter tomorrow and so on :O and this one was longer than usual as well:3

<3

To Miles 11