Settle A Quarrel

“What’s the point in spinning the bottle if there’s just two of us?” I say my head underneath the couch, my head spinning and buzzing, my eyes long closed and Alison’s hand had been on my leg not so long ago. I don’t dare to lift my head up and I’m sure I had torn my suit, wondering why will I even enjoy the hangover tomorrow. 

“Because it might not land on you?” She smirks and I know now she’s sitting besides me and I just cross my legs, closing my eyes, hoping that I can still feel my body properly and that I don’t have a boner. And I hear the floor tell me that she’s spinning the bottle and I bite my lips, actually trying to stick myself deeper under the couch and the bottle stops spinning. 

“Don’t cheat.” And I stick my head out just to see that the bottle is pointing more towards her rather than me and she’s sitting right besides me and I look at her newly dyed roots. I look at the apartment and I wonder why I’m I even selling it, why had I put it on the market, making a few phone calls wearing Kate’s white glasses as if they could see my red eyes and I had laughed the entire morning, smoking far too much as Lila and Kate had left somewhere and I had dragged Alison from across the street and then we had gone out to this apartment and I had told her I was planning to sell it. 

“See? It didn’t even land on me. You can wank now.” And I actually want to go back and stick my head under the couch, but she grabs me by the cheeks.

I don’t think we did anything new and the wine hasn’t properly gone to me yet or to her, so the fact that she’s doing this sober scares me and excites me. I shift to make sure I’m looking straight at her, I look at her, how thin she’s gotten and I start laughing, too much within my system as she silences me with a hungry kiss and I gasp into her mouth, pulling her closer, pulling her over me, my hands entangled in her hair. 

I hold her and I know she feels, where her ribs are, how her skin feels and I’ve held her so many times but now it’s with something new forgotten and I’m yanked into it through the veil of alcohol and drugs, but she’s far too cruel to let me go and so am I, never letting her go, always dissing whoever she’s dating and having my own doubts let me devour me.

She had told me how friends had worked and I just shrugged then many years ago, taking the piss that we could do the same, she was scared of letting someone close let her hurt her and maybe some it was the bitterness which still carries within me, how she had refused and I had agreed, letting it destroy her,

that friends thrust thorns deeper than the rest when love is there and there are no two positions.

And her lust happens because she had snapped and so had I, pulling her lightly by the hair as she digs her nails into my t-shirt and I feel her against my lips, I feel her

the longing is intense and if I could I’d split both of us open as we make out and I had even forgotten how she tasted, cigarettes now much more faint and the alcohol much more expensive with her fragrance and our whole essence seems to be destroyed, but the boredom remains, the room is still the same, dull and boring only with her smirl and twirl to illuminate my day and lips.

But the fear doesn’t leave me as Kate pierces me. Alison was always there, Kate wasn’t discarding me as Alison would lick her wounds as I would prescribe her eyedrops instead of bandages. But the thing was, what was there for her to see?

My love?

She knew it and the fact that I was the same triggered us both.

It always starts with us drunk, the first few dates of any tour starts off with us looking at each other as we head back to the hotel and sometimes we are already far too drunk, we keep repeating the mistake with the fact that fear just swallows us and it starts from shots and it’s always Alison’s hopeful eyes and I’ve seen myself in the mirror, how I look when I splash water on my face, I don’t look better, I want her just as much, but my own twisted mind is the enemy. Maybe we are both each other’s enemy, some bizarre love which twists us and a thread which never break even if other people try and they try to forget about the thread which seems to be around my neck lately. 

So it always starts with the shots and then either of us will slip and suggest to go upstairs. We take off the leather jackets, pour some more drinks, Alison usually on the bed, biting her lip and I take a swing from whatever we had chosen to drink. I crawl besides her, we never say anything and I know where to touch, she knows where to kiss and we just entangle ourselves and in the morning we just pass the toothpaste to each other, quickly glancing at each other with yesterday’s memories in our head and the foil kicked under the bed. 

We haven’t toured, the few dates were done through gritted teeth and Alison dancing next to me, pulling my bottom lip with her fingers and I would close my eyes, not to do anything and she would flee.

But not now. 

It’s something else, I think we’ve both held too much like when she had kept stalking me and then I had heard her live and even if we had made eye contact and once I had been too drunk, even if I wasn’t too able to walk I hadn’t been able to miss anything, yet I had closed the curtains on her, feeling bad. 

And that’s when I felt even worse and I had fetched her from outside, lighting a cigarette and she had walked in, hair all a mess and a big grin, barely talking and only asking me to play.

And now Alison was fed up with all the tension we had been doing which had started from a lame idea I had, we had both been intoxicated, we always are and I had pulled her by her shirt, nearly kissing her, both tense and I had told her that what a great idea it would be

just like some people think that not having sex is better than having sex, that’s what my idea was

that not being together would be better than being together, that we would never hurl at each other, sex would become just a plain need like wanking but the thing is, you end up wanting far too much. 

We both pull each other’s lips. 

I forget that we’re not in a hotel once we’re both shirtless and my hands are traveling up to her breasts and she’s on top of me.

I stop and I want to take my hands off, instead she pulls me back, pressing my hands higher. I’ve felt her all over, I’ve made love to her many times, much more than I’ve ever said it and let my mind linger onto.

I pull away and that’s when Alison stands up, she takes my shirt instead of hers, holds it in her hands, rubbing the fabric between her fingers and looks down on me. We’re both still in heels, we hold our silence, the alcohol being as soft as the morning, just a sudden realization that it’s there. She keeps her silence as I keep my own. I take out a pack of cigarettes from my back pocket and stretch it out to her. 

“What do I have to do?” Her voice I was expecting would be a sob, but it’s not. Instead it’s stern and something twisted and her pain echoes as something ugly to me, which I try to ignore because I had been the thorn and so had she, never doing anything about the wound, letting it dismantle her entirely in my arms and I never throw her out and we still have some tenderness as I’d bring her lips closer to mine to kiss. 

“What do you mean?” I stop as she sits besides me, both of us on the floor and she has lit my cigarette, slowly forcing herself to look with her dark eyes into mine. I try to look away, but you always get your attention grabbed by the broken mirror to see how would you look broken, but this time I know how I look and there’s not enough cracks to show my real state. 

“What the fuck do I have to do?” She mutters, lighting her own. She gets her blonde hair out of her eyes and it had always crossed my mind how Kate and Alison seemed to try and resemble each other as if I would forget and hold onto the other in a haunted house, thinking that one was the other and depending on who I’d grab the conclusion would be on who I’d prefer. 

“Sorry?” I blink, slowly inhaling and wondering if we should’ve gotten more alcohol and walking back home seems like a dumb idea and the cab is not something I’d want with both of us sitting moody and kicking each other under the knee just to burst out laughing and then everything would be the same. 

“You’re not dragging Kate here are you?” That stings and I just flinch lightly and that’s when she grins, far too broken from too many years of waltzing blindly as I would run away and give her other partners or would leave her alone. I hang my head down, biting my lip. My own jealousy had betrayed me. 

“Well, you see to drag Jack a lot too, you know.” I smirk bitterly at my come back and recalling how she always laughs with him like she had once with me and it stings that my nostalgia is now stained. 

“Unlike you, I broke up with Jack.” She holds for a moment. “While you hold onto Kate. Even we didn’t have as many fallouts.”

“Jack dumped you.” I snarl back, wishing there had been something else to drink, instead I stand up and she follows me, both of us still shirtless and I get some tap water, getting a glass and rinsing it first before just drinking. 

“You’re saying as if Kate was never jealous and the break ups never happened.” I don’t splash her with water, instead I close my eyes and I take the whole glass in, opening my eyes to see her with her arms crossed on her chest. 

“At least I didn’t go saying that great, I have Jamie anyway.” I slam the glass down and Alison winces at the noise. 

“Because I fucking understand that if you would have the balls, you’d fucking see!” She raises her voice and gets close to me. I wish I’d worn higher heels and the fact that she’s wearing quite high ones isn’t helping and is giving a taunting psychological effect. I look down at her shoes, she grabs me by the chin and makes sure that I am looking at her. 

“What the fuck do you-” She kisses me again and I try to hold, I pull away and Alison just pushes me away, heading back into the room. She starts picking up her clothes and leans down to get her leather jacket from under the couch. She stops for a while.

“You still didn’t tell me what do I have to do, if you want to do it that way.” She tries to keep calm and I just watch her, getting a new cigarette since the other was stubbed and forgotten in such haste that I don’t even recall. 

“What the fuck do you want to do?” I ask her as she approaches me. 

“Why don’t I ever get a chance and some model who barely watches anything besides Gypsy weddings does? Are you saying you’re not fit for someone else? Too tiring, Jamie?” She pulls on her dark blue t-shirt, buttoning the cardi over it and now searching for her bag. I still check her out. I simply don’t reply.

“Look.” She pauses, she’s nearly leaving. I nod at her, waiting for her to go on.

“One date and I swear I’ll piss off.” Alison points at me.

“I’m married.”

“That never stopped you or her from fucking around.” And she goes towards the door. 

-

Callie is sending me death threats because I ended it here. Ok, it's not happy happy yet, but it will be, I promise :O 

I PROMISE. 

It's just really hard to make a happy Kills request when these two have been at each other's throats or pants for the past millennium so yeah -.-

I've been dying to get back to writing these two and I've been horribly obsessed with Jamie again and I've been writing him in other stories. And yeah, if you want a Jamie humor fic, check Saints Preserve Us (but he's not paired up with Alison, the pairing there is obvious, but I'll remain silent), actually it's a satire.

I dunno I love the whole spinning the bottle it's kind of nostalgic to back when me and Callie just met and I'd be curious what would happen if Callie got dared and etc. So I kind of had that in mind and seemed funny that they'd do it drunk.

And the title is quite clumsy which I like, since those two are idiots. It came from the fact that I was pretty much blank and I was like ok, this story is about reconciliation which seems to be a theme I write quite often even if in life I don't really believe in it, well depends on what the fuck did you do really and in this case it was just two idiots not wanting to get back together so yeah xD and they seem to be teasing everyone with it xD anyway so I wanted a synonym to reconcile and found the expression and I hadn't used the word "quarrel" in ages and I dunno, it seemed like a nice clumsy title so yeah :3

I love them so much T__T and I missed these two morons who can't seem to get together T__T and I'm slowly plotting since Jamie and Kate don't hang out too much, I'm like HAHA I'M SURE HE'S FUCKING ALISON EEEE I'm an awful, awful fangirl.

I always find how they met precious and I shall forever discuss it.

I had an idea to turn this one angsty and do another happy one, but this shall be the one. I promise.

I hope you enjoyed it and yay *opens champagne* a new Kills story :D so please feel free to request and I promise I am writing faster now :D so go request and I should have the next one up soon if you poke me :3 

<3

To Miles 26

Love is the greatest destroyer force of them all. You can get hit by a car and simply the insides will rip because everything will stop functioning, while if your insides get destroyed it’s a while until you yourself will cut the string of life or the body will scream in agony until everything about you is gone. 

“You get a void when you’re left broken and it stings. But when the person is not who you think they were, it’s just a void. When a person lies to you for their own obscure benefit and suddenly...” Hince blows a smoke ring which dismantles itself. “You don’t know who even was the trophy wife anymore. Were they acting as a trophy wife or were you a trophy wife to them?”

He stares ahead.

“Either way, it’s a void, you don’t even want the person back. It’s bitter. And you think the person loved you but neither do they and neither do you. But that’s not Miles, with Miles I knew what I missed.” 

I fall asleep lying next to Hince, something far too usual only this time his fingers are on my neck and I wake up with an icing of fear, yet it’s odd to catch him sleeping, still not fully relaxed and curled up only his arm stretched to touch my neck. Without thinking I kiss his fingers and my feelings are far too mixed, so I merely sit up, wondering if I should wake him as I slowly dress, Miles and Hince both in my thoughts. As I pull on my shirt I wonder that in my head I barely refer to him as Jamie and his name sounds like an odd role in my head, a foreign sound and I glance at him, now his eyes sleepily open and he has a soft also confused smile upon his lips.

We both keep our silence, just like one day you wake and everything is better, sometimes it’s for the worse or for the more twisted. But then the twisted had blossomed into something neither of us had expected and still frightens me, grabs me by the neck in the form of Jamie. He stands up, still sleepily, scratching his stubble and walks up to me. It’s odd. I try to read my own mind why. 

I can’t as we kiss and it’s softer than usual even if we started making out and the fact that both us have morning wood doesn’t help either. 

Love with Hince is different, I don’t know why it happened or why it fits in my head when the waves of fear crash against my being, but it’s there, it doesn’t go away even if fear had been the first emotion with his bitter, broken old laughter. 

Hince had stopped asking me about the men, I’d just walk in to tell about them, Julian still vivid in my mind and how Hince had said that the next will be on the ship until we get either a boat to throw them off or if we need to go to shore. So for a few days I wasn’t sure what should I be doing and I kept debating about Hince far too much in my head and I was scared to have sex with him again, not because of what he had been, but rather that it seemed to be ridiculous that we have never spoken of it and I was touching myself in the restroom, not yet with Hince as usually I’d slip out in the middle of the night and I’d nap during the day to avoid Miles and still hope that he’d see me and slip next to me and I wondered why did I want a liar so badly? But then we had both done the same thing and I wondered more as I couldn’t ask Hince about him and Miles and some bitter jealousy was at the tip of my tongue, nagging.

And all of a sudden I wasn’t sure who I was even jealous of. Both of them intertwining in my head and I had recalled Hince, who had smirked at me once, saying that when you’re in love with two or more people, even if they don’t interact and you don’t want them to your deepest sexual desire would still be having sex with all of them at once and that what was going on in my head, I didn’t want them anywhere close to each other yet and I don’t think either of them wanted each other’s existence yet they were still in my head and I started breathing heavier, stroking myself, biting my lip, pressing myself harder against the wall of the cubicle, giving an audible moan and I had stopped, pressing my palm against my mouth and I had heard a smirk. I felt my breath become even harder. I heard the person exit the other cubicle, I was too turned on to realize that someone had even gone in. I heard a soft knock. I shivered lightly and the knocking was soft, yet it still increased. 

“Turner, fighting the demons within you as you jerk off?” He sounded sleepy and a light smirk and I’m sure he had been amused of his joke. I open the door to see Miles in his undershirt, a bit too pale and barely holding his eyes open. I freeze at his eased, lulled state and I want to grab him, pull him in, make out with him, have sex with him, but I just stop. Miles is still amused by himself. “When you jerk off pretty much everyone crosses your mind, don’t they? It’s hard to get people out when you’re vulnerable to yourself and you’re the object to your own desire.”

He leaves to wash his hands, opening the tap and he glances at himself in the mirror, groaning lightly.

“You’re interested in your own orgasm, really, so you just let go, don’t you.” I think if he hadn’t been so sleepy he would have traced my jawline, but instead he keeps his hands in the sink, letting the water hit his fingers and against the basin. “Maybe there is a reason it’s a sin. Because you let go, you let all the thoughts consume you.”

I watch him through the mirror, far too sleepy and I want to kiss his neck, but I don’t, I just watch him, just wanting to continue doing so, even if he doesn’t smile and falls asleep on the floor, I don’t think I’d touch him and soon enough I’d feel bad and leave into another man’s arms. 

I could see Hince’s longing every day how he had sleepily muttered that despair gets worse with each year and I could still count in days and I had already wondered how long will it take for me to stroke his temple down to his jaw as he’d watch me silently without telling me to stop and I’d kiss him. The longing is worse than wine, it appears out of nowhere when you never had grapes to begin with. 

I keep looking at Miles’ back and you forget love too easily and quickly. You think there never was an echo never to remember the taste which had been present at a fingers touch. And maybe that’s when I became vulnerable and destructive. I swallow and I wonder if he prays at night and just like going to church doesn’t make you a good person, a glimpse of Father Ezra shows up in my mind for some odd way, I’m sure he’d bless me since homosexuality never was a sin in his eyes.

“Why did you never tell me that you dated Hince for ten years?” Miles quickly turns around to face me, mouth lightly opened and a pure look of horror on his face and I hadn’t even niticed that he had wet his hair. He grips the basin stronger. He stops breathing for a while and then he just turns around and I see his reflection with his eyes shut tight.

“Eleven.” He just mutters and grabs his towel, but I grab him by the wrist. Miles tries to break free but then gives up with his hand held middair by mine and I try to find something in him, but all I see is a lost, confused and a sudden nostalgia in his eyes, but what scares me is that there doesn’t seem to be any trace of love. Miles sighs and takes out a cigarette box out of his pocket, I let his hand go and he lights a cigarette. 

He awaits questions and I watch him, feeling myself dismantle slowly, like a rope, simply on the ends in the beginning. I keep watching him and my questions never come and with a few drags I just stare at not even a hollow place left for Hince’s love in his eyes and that seems to scare me and in the end, Miles just pats my shoulder and leaves me. 

I don’t know what triggers me and I fill the basin in with water and I wonder if I should just shower, but instead his eyes follow me in his mind even if I know that he holds love for me.

I fill in a cup with water and I spill it over my head, gasping at the cold touch as it drips onto my shirt and I start shaking. I head out just to clear my head and I watch the dark water crash against the ship, closing my eyes, my head nearly spinning and the thought of something eternal as death seems to be soothing, but my hands never reach out and the thought stays with me briefly, like an eruption it passes fast and I want to head back. I don’t know who do I fear more for is it me or Jamie and I actually drop all my thoughts, my hair still damp I head upstairs, I try to open the door, but it’s locked and I figure he could’ve headed to the bathroom, so I dread myself going there and as soon as I do I hear hissing and Jamie’s shaking voice. I come closer before I hear a thud and the other person is pushed against the bathroom stalls. 

I actually head in to see Jamie press Miles against the stall. 

It’s worse than when two men pop in your head as you touch yourself, I just stand there, but Jamie doesn’t release his grip.

“Why the fuck did you tell Turner?” Miles snaps again and Jamie shoves him against the stalls again, Kane wincing lightly yet still clenching his teeth, but not doing any movements to tick Hince off even more. But then he drops him and sighs, turning towards me, light relief on his tired face, before Miles speaks up again, pointing towards me. “Another boy toy, queer?”

And that’s when Jamie doesn’t hold and aims directly against his jaw and Miles gives a loud noise, causing me to grab the door handle as Jamie stops midair from doing another punch and Miles holds his jaw, his eyes sparkling lightly from the pain. Miles massages his jaw, not daring to move towards the basin, but his thoughts still linger on the wrong path. Once Jamie puts his hand down, Miles tries to aim but Hince dodges it and punches him right across the face, splitting his lip as Miles gives himself a second and a light cough before Miles tries to push Hince on the floor and Jamie just throws him against the basins and I quickly grab Jamie from behind, holding him down as he curses at me and unfortunately that’s when Miles charges again and I have to make sure both of us dodge his attack, as Miles nearly hits the mirror. Both me and Jamie glance back, scared of the decor in our shabby bathroom. I let Hince go as Miles just stops, breathing heavily and blood spilling on his shirt. 

Neither of us saying anything. Miles just starts washing his wound and Hince just runs a hand through his hair, glancing at me before back at Miles. Fear seems to leave me all of a sudden. The lack of it terrifies me as Hince thanks me for holding him down and I don’t really look at Miles. I quickly glance at him to see him washing his wounds. 

Hince nods towards the door and I feel my breath freeze up.

We all know. 

Jamie leaves first and I just look at Miles, both of us not talking and in the end I leave just to head to Jamie’s. I stop before his door which is lightly opened and I don’t hesitate to walk in and Hince is lighting two cigarettes and hands me one, as he locks the door as usual. He starts smoking and I just keep staring at him until he looks up from the floor with his green eyes. Love dismantles and you realize another. We keep looking at each other and frankly I realize that I’m not even sure much of our age gap. 

My whole body aches and I pull him closer, my cigarette burning in my hands and I close my eyes as Jamie smirks lightly and presses a soft kiss against me. We both cling onto the slow kiss, both aware of too much and I can feel his hands tremble and it’s not from the fight before all of a sudden. 

Jamie tries to break the kiss a few times and when he sees that I won’t, he pulls back, as he quickly inhales, not breaking eye contact with me. He muses on his words for a while and I just nod, but I don’t get a smirk, I get a small shrug from him.

“I love you, Alex.” 

“Same, Jamie.” And I think the oddest part is the fact that I actually use his name, rather than the feeling we’ve both been obscurely avoiding. Confusion doesn’t grace any of our faces as it’s been within us for far too long and Jamie just smiles, both of us aware of too many things at once. 

“I’m sorry-” I shrug. Jamie pauses. “No, I am. I- I hadn’t gotten over Miles yet and-”

“I’m not like Miles.”

“I’m not saying that.” Hince replies fast and starts fidgiting with his cigarette. He inhales and breathes out fast. “I...”

“When did you even fall in love with me?”I ask, smirking lightly, I’ve been too numb just to wake up with love in my arms. Maybe the death in my arms is love all along, since it’s the force which kills us, the sadness which drains us and I don’t think I’m dunked in water anymore like I was with Miles. Hince blinks at my change of a subject, but still holds a silence, nodding in apology.

“I guess somewhere around when I shook the thought off that you hold the same age as Miles when he dumped me.” 

“So it was about Miles?” Jamie shakes his head.

“No. It never was, that’s the thing.” He pauses. “It’s odd when you open your eyes to realize that the love you thought once existed was something else to another person. And when you do wake up one day and you realize that it’s something else.”

He pauses and keeps looking at me.

“Love isn’t destructive Alex, it doesn’t want to drown you, despite what Miles had both given us.” He keeps a pause and we both smile. “Once it’s gone you realize that it wasn’t love.”

He pauses to think.

“Love is the blood within you, really. I can’t think of any other way to explain it.” He smirks. “It carries you, both you and me are the assholes who have a suicide drowning fetish. You think love should ache, it shouldn’t, it should nourish you and be the one who disagrees with you on Tolstoy.” 

Jamie’s grin doesn’t fade. 

-

This whole chapter has a very nice I think circular form as it starts off with Al saying that love is destructive when he solely thinks of Miles and ends in something different with Jamie. I started writing this chapter with one mindset really and before I'd write a few phrases but I'm back to my hectic a few k a day which I missed and enjoyed and I am deeply happy to come back to, I actually feel liberated now finally. 

I tried not to include my whole bias and I've spoken to Callie, but then, like she said all of everyone's writing is biased based on their lives or emotions, so of course some of mine have leaked and my thoughts on love. 

I had originally intended for this chapter to actually include Jamie's and Miles' back story on their eleven year relationship, but pretty much this chapter got in the way xD

The whole thing about Hince came from a discussion between me and Callie (even if Callie knows much more than an average reader, I still keep a lot of the plot to myself or I just forget to mention it because I've got thousands of scenes which are coming up in To Miles xD) and we went into a debate where Callie said that Hince was a strictly a villain to which I argued and proved my point (this chapter was yet to be written) and we both re-read the story I pointed out the bits which are otherwise and Jamie's back story is just seen lightly and I guess if you want me to show hints just re-read Miles' talk on why he joined the navy and etc, I can give out links or point out moments xD 

Basically Hince is pretty much maybe my favourite second character is this entire story at this moment to be honest, because unlike Miles and Matt he was there for Al and is. But hey, everyone's thoughts are valid and bear in mind that I just love him a lot as a character and I kind of have to stick myself in Alex's shoes and he pretty much loves Hince so yeah, I'm biased here with Al xD 

The fight idea literally came from the fact that I realized that for the navy, I didn't have a lot of fights in this story and the idea of Hince and Miles fighting popped in my head and Alex holding Hince down seemed too appealing to miss.

Also my favourite scene in this chapter is when both Alex and Jamie duck xD 

And there's the confession scene which makes all of my plot go down the drain, yet it's very natural and just puts my whole plot in question as in what will happen now. I've got the main outline done but now the question is what happens to the Miles-Alex-Jamie love triangle and with Miles pretty much being an asshole lately to Al, I've got some musing to do and which I've been doing for the past few days XD 

Either way, Jamie's here xD

I've written poems where I described love as drowning and frankly, that's not how it should be, you really shouldn't be scared of someone who mistreats you, get the fuck out and get someone to yank you out of it. I guess Jamie is the person in this story. 

So yeah, quoting Jamie quoting me, love is blood. 

I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I did and yeah, my head is fucked right now as I don't think what was going to happen to Jamie and Al will happen as things have changed and in the discussion with Callie on Jamie's analysis I've realized myself that his feelings for Al are much deeper than I thought and intended and so are Al's.

Please tell me if you enjoyed this chapter and your thoughts xD don't worry it's not the end of Miles and Matt should show up soon :D and even if things change we are slowly nearing to the end of part 1 and To Miles will still be extended I just don't know how much but surely will keep going as this thing seems to be eternal in a good way xD I love everyone too much xD

<3

To Miles 27

Saints Preserve Us

My hands tremble as I keep watching the news, a cigarette dangling from my lips as I keep watching the media and from while to while I flick through the news channels in some odd hope that everything will go away, even if the mechanism has started and all is beyond my control. Kate tells me to soothe myself down and I glance down at the Rubik’s cube in my hands and I can’t seem to shake sleep off, so I keep twirling it around far too sleepily yet I still hear Alex’s footsteps as they are much heavier than Kate’s and Kate would be loud and would have already started a conversation with me. I turn around, inhaling and I watch my son, I blink a few times trying to stay away, regretting spending too much time at the range and the fact that doing it without a caddy in the rain seemed to soothe me somehow to get my thoughts out, to get everything out of my system, dragged me in just to drain me now. I nod at Alex and he gets next to the television right when they show a catapult.

“Hey, dad.” I exhale, holding the cigarette tight between my lips, still turning the cube around. I don’t know how come I’ve managed to solve them before. I sigh and I look up, nodding again, my brain is too turned off and I’m waiting for the interview to pop on the channel. Alex struggles. I move lightly and nod at him to sit next to me, but he doesn’t.

“Al-”

“You know how I told you I didn’t want to go with Arielle to the prom?” He is quite pale and his hair is messy, hands fidget and he’s in socks, still in school clothes and I just shrug and nod, so what if he doesn’t want to take Arielle. I’m sure he expects a reply and I shrug again 

“Yeah, no bother you can take Alexa or-”

“I don’t want to. I want to take...” And he stops. I try to flick a few girl names in my mind as I actually take the Rubik’s cube down and I take the cigarette in my hand, watching that half of it is gone already and I had chain smoked two already, the smoke sticking to my tongue far too much. I motion him to keep going as I rub my eyes. It’s just nine p.m. Kate’s too busy watching something on E! and I don’t want to bother, so I had taken this television and I don’t feel like having her snore next to me as I nearly bite my nails. 

“You can take whoever you want, Alex, we’ve talked about it.” Instead he doesn’t interrupt me and he keeps standing, far too much fear flashing in his eyes and I just continue smoking, wondering what is troubling him and the interview is about to start as I see flag waving on the screen. Alex is fully shivering and I don’t dare myself to approach him, my sleep still tugging on me to fall down and curl up to the side, not even approaching Kate. 

“I...” I feel like he’s about to break and I just stretch out the cigarette box, Alex takes one, not even realizing that I’ve never even known that he smokes. That gives me a small smile, but that doesn’t give me one in reply. “I want to take Miles.”

I stop with the lighter burning in my hands and I blink. I inhale and I start coughing. I violently shake my head and Alex starts trembling even deeper and I just stand up and take his arm, I’m too surrounded by own coughing so I motion him for a moment and he’s nearly as tall as I am. 

“Christ, do you have to take him to the prom?” I keep coughing. “Do you have to...”

I struggle to find the words. 

“Christ, Alex, can’t you two just lock yourselves upstairs or something?” Alex freezes, tears stuck in his eyes and an odd smile passes on his lips as if he has seen a miracle. 

“B-but-”

“I know Miles. He’s that fellow who came last week no? So invite him over, whatever. Just keep it low for fuck’s sake no fucking prom.” I hold from rolling my eyes as Alex just stands there. I’ve been there, Josh was crying last week over his daughter and had asked me what would I do with Alex and I asked him why is he asking me and that made me wonder. I had actually stayed up all night, wondering and the only person I could pinpoint with him was Miles who had even given me a flyer one night saying that I should stop destroying people’s lives and I just walked off to have Alex apologize, explaining that if Gillis would win the upcoming election I would be the Secretary of State and being in the Republican party I was of course conservative.

Which needs an explanation. 

“Shouldn’t I need to be against abortion?” Me and Josh had both flicked lighters at the same time. 

“Naw. Why? Sign that you’re against it and use a condom properly. Get money, get a nice house.”

“My house is nice?” I hesitated.

“Not as nice as it could be.” Josh had smirked. 

I look again at Alex who is still smoking, bittersweet from the scenario which his life has given him in the form of his father and I just shrug, smiling lightly. I blow a smoke ring and Alex tries to do one and coughs, which causes me to laugh and I just rub his shoulder, turning off the television, I know what’s going on in Ukraine anyway. I face him and mocking Kate take her voice and ask him about Miles. 

“Y-you’re not pissed. It’s against the bible-”

“Fuck the bible. Kate drags us to church coz she thinks she can dress up better than Karen for it.” I smirk. I recall how Karen got some hand made dress from India and Kate kept nagging how we should go and that I should loosen up for a bit. In the end I had to take a week off just for Kate to say that elephants in India looked ugly up close. And once she got three dresses Karen had said that she looked like a democrat in them, causing Kate to start quoting the bible which I had to learn for some speech as me and Alex watched her and in the end Alex started playing flappy bird in full volume in church with the sound on as someone decided to recall that condoms weren’t a bad thing and then everyone realized that not all of us had a dozen children, realizing that condom users or great pull outs were done among us. 

“I thought mom believed in God.” Alex just blinks, still a bit shaken and the only thing which I don’t offer is alcohol and drugs are out of the question as I’ve seen him pass a blunt with Matt and Kate had told me to fuck off, because she was also planning to do it later and I was the only sober one for the golf dinner as everyone else including the guests decided that it was a great idea to mix a cocktail party with sunglasses. 

“It’s not God who buys her a new wardrobe every Christmas. It’s Jesus.” I smirk at my own joke. Alex just smiles lightly. I bite the insides of my cheek, playing with the Rubik’s cube again, making sure I get the corners done first. 

“Look, Lana told Josh, Josh told me because Lana came out and he decided that she’s into witchcraft and I had to tell him that it’s not that.” Alex gets pale. I should really pick my words, but instead I focus on the cube. I glance at him, but I’m sure he can interpret my sleepy gaze as something else. “Look, just keep low profile and you’re fine. You’ve got a lock.”

I pause.

“Did you tell mom?”

“Mom said to talk to you.” Typical Kate. I tug on the Rubik’s cube. 

“Still what did she say?” I ask, wondering what did Kate say in the middle of Kim Kardashian giving birth or something on television and Alex just shrugs. 

“Nothing really. She said it’s ok and that as long as I tell you it’s ok and Miles is a darling.” Alex shrugged. I just agreed and I try to get the middle right as Alex watches me and doesn’t hold and takes the puzzle thing away from me and solves it causing me to sulk and he just pouts instead. I’m sure he wants more from me, but after I’ve heard from Josh that Lana muttered an Al, that it could’ve been mine, of course it crossed my head and I wondered, I’ve talked to Kate of it as she had been applying fake eyelashes and asking me if she needed a boob job in the middle of the conversation. I wondered about it for a while. The bible doesn’t say a lot, I mean, I think so. I’ve learned chunks and written notes to remember and wondered when the fuck can I go to the bathroom instead and pretend that I have diarrhea to avoid the whole thing. We’re all split in two, we’ve got those who actually believe that abortion is murder, we’ve got the ones who frankly don’t care and are closeted gay men but because they sponsor us, everyone keeps quiet and we’ve got those like me and Josh who were chucked in because of his dad. 

It puzzled me for a while. It wasn’t wrong, but it still nagged at the back of my head. I would never do anything that flyer which Miles had given me told that other parents do. I don’t think I’d even be mad. I’d really just shrug, it’s not for me to decide or dictate. All I can do is ask him to keep low profile and frankly fuck just not loud enough for me to blame the wrong countries while I watch television downstairs and that’s all I ask for. 

Miles had always been vocal about my job though, leaving booklets and asking me to sign petitions even when he and Alex wouldn’t have been so close. He seemed like a nice lad, but they didn’t seem to fit in my head too well, I guess because I haven’t really seen them together. Inviting Miles to dinner would involve Kate showing me her entire wardrobe and choosing the perfect tie for me when I would just wear a t-shirt, not bothering, when even Lila’s friends come over Kate thinks that it’s sexy when I wear a tie. Soon enough she’ll ask me to put on a tie when I sleep so that I wake up not importantly with a morning boner, but with a morning tie. 

“Just keep it low, please. That’s all. You got the room. Kick me, Kate and Lila out for the day if you wish, but please...” I blink trying to stay awake. “Don’t make it public. Josh is already getting warnings. And tell Lana to shut the fuck up as well. No one wants to know that we’re somewhere liberal. Soon enough they’ll think we are secret spies for President Martin.”

Alex smirks. 

“You think John will win the next election?” Alex asks and I shrug, hoping though. 

“He should. I mean, I’m tired of saving the whales and thinking that pandas will sink or whatever bullshit he’s into.” 

“Supposedly Martin has a trans child. I mean, that he has a daughter.” Alex tells me and starts shuffling the Rubik’s cube again. I sit up, gaining interest. 

“Really? How do you know?” I ask.

“Miles said that this girl who looks awful like Martin’s child had been asking for help from a LGBT organization where he volunteers in, but she is declining saying who her parents are and Miles just has a hunch, but it’s odd because Martin is pretty much democrat, so doesn’t make sense.” Alex sighs. “I mean, it would make sense if-”

“He was republican. I know.” We both tense up. I look down. “Just because-”

“You still vote against gay marriage a-”

“I do. I never denied that, but I’m not kicking you out of my house, am I?” I snap it lightly, which causes Alex to be alarmed. I try to soften up, but he has a point and I’ve given too many speeches and it still puzzles Alex more than a Rubik’s cube why have I not done anything, why haven’t I converted him into therapy? “Kate uses protection, we don’t believe in God, so why should I believe that homosexuals are wrong? Alex, don’t be daft.”

He is still tense.

“Martin had that scandal and look what’s happening in Kansas. And let’s not forget that he’s doing nothing about anything besides the fucking whales anyway.” Alex nods. I don’t think anyone believes in Chris these days. Not even his vice. I’ll be surprised if he manages to the next election without getting kicked out of the White House. 

“I know. Just...” 

“Officially, I hate gays. Yeah. As a politician, yeah.” I nod. “But I do want to meet Miles.”

Alex smiles.

“If you promise me he won’t give me another petition to sign unless he allows me to sign it as Frank Sinatra Jr or something.” I smirk. 

We depart and I fall asleep with Kate still watching, we didn’t discuss Alex, instead I just curled up, not facing Kate and falling asleep to the thought of me playing golf, something I had been doing for the past years, something relaxing and it’s always the range which always holds my earliest memories. 

I still drag Alex next day as usual to the meeting and Kate comes along just because she can get to see Karen and we all have to smile at her and Julian as in our wives’ heads it seems to actually matter what everyone is wearing, they depart in silence as their skirts seemed to be the same only in different colours. 

I keep nodding at Liam, who no one seems to bother to actually argue on his theory that we should cut off everyone’s genitals because Jesus came to him last night after his bachelor party (which Josh had told me happened in a strip bar earlier) to prevent everyone from having sex, as God will give us babies without sex. I glance at Alex, who I dragged along who seems to be playing something else than Flappy Bird and I quickly glance at the screen to click the home button before anyone notices that he’s on Grindr. 

As soon as Liam finishes I drag Alex outside for both of us to smoke and before I lecture him to not fucking have Grindr here he takes his iPhone out which I am thankful does not have a LGBT friendly case instead an exterminate the fucking whales, which Kate said all family should wear as we are a proud republican family. 

“For fuck’s sake after Julian showed up on a conference and said that Grindr was a fucking coffee shop app-” I start nagging as soon as we’re out because Casablancas had managed to flash his iPhone with Grindr on it and the jokes about all republicans being gay surfaced again, causing all the actual conservatives to mumble how the fuck could Julian ever think it was a coffee shop app unless he’s blind. Alex still keeps scrolling through Grindr and I remind myself to sumbtly hint that people should at least turn off Grindr when here since they are openly gay in apps. It’s not something I wouldn’t expect after hearing Liam’s theory on sex and life. 

“Dad, why is John Gillis here?” Alex cuts me off as I keep looking with my sight vision and I blink a few times to make sure it’s real. 

What the fuck.

“What.” I say and I yank the iPhone from his hands and I look at the future president’s photo as he seems to be in a wig and showing his torso rather suggestively. 

-

Please bear in mind the whole story has a satire feel to it for both political parties and etc. 

There was a recent odd thing I saw about Santorum saying that the Grindr app on his iPhone was due to the fact that he thought it was a coffee shop app of sorts and then Callie said imagine if you turn on Grindr at a Republican convention or something. To which I said yeah and two of them hookup. I started thinking of a story with Hince in it and Callie just blurred out what if it's Jack and Jamie there. And thus we started talking about it and I dropped writing To Miles for the day xD but I promise I will pick it up tomorrow :O 

I'm back to being a Hince fangirl so yeah :O and I've pretty much been into Fiji again and discovering Scarfo so it's like a fetus Jamie party haha xD and the title was taken from Fiji's song.

I kept thinking and the idea that Jamie would have a gay son who he accepts became Alex with his boyfriend Miles. I'm trying not to spoil anything xD I decided to make Jamie be in the golf business as well as I enjoy golf and I miss playing it so yeah xD 

I'm also using a lot of musicians for the first time, I don't know why but I pictured Josh Homme as someone who had dragged Jamie into politics. 

I'll also say that Jamie will pretty much be noble through out the story, so it's not a one time thing here, just saying :)

I hope you enjoyed it and I'm really nervous about it and please request it you did :) there's more ahead and yeah :3

<3

You're Not Coming Back Again 9

“You make me go insane and that’s why I think I’ve been holding all these years.” I had whispered in Al’s ear as he had turned around, a bit flushed but he had to just breathe a bit deeper to get his thoughts away then and that had still given me a boost.

Later on we had went out together to eat and looking back then at the evening, I still wondered how much we had looked as a couple and in my head I had wished we were together when things with Arielle weren’t something Al had wanted and I had kept observing him sometimes looking out of the menu and he’d wait until my eyes would meet his and he’d go back down, as if to assure himself that I still loved him. 

Fuck it, I’m a wreck without him and anxiety would drag me on and I’d manage to drink sometimes some bizarre thoughts away, the feelings clawing at my chest as I’d keep playing. That’s how my life had gone after France came as mysteriously and vanished as well. I look at Al, scared that the same would actually happen and when he actually leaves I start going insane, pacing, putting Arabella back into her crib as he’d look back at me with a horrid sour judging face before realizing that she needed to show more evidence so then she’d start crying horribly. 

And I can see Arielle with a horrid snarl when Alex tells her, it’s not that he left her for someone where she’d shrug her shoulders and do a vine about, that he had left her for someone beautiful and that all men are assholes and leave women for girls with prettier hair (I love how shallow straight people seem to be), but no he had left her for another man, someone who she is not, someone entirely different just proving that she was never his type, that she was a mere joke to be passed around with Martini cocktails, she’d yell, feel that she’s threatened by the knife of loneliness that a queer man had went for her and she’d question her femininity. 

I feel bad for her even if she’s the enemy not even aware that a war is going on. I remember how Al had left me and after a few days the itch spread out in desire to meet someone else and it had been stupid that I had wandered out and drank a few cocktails looking at gay men again with the fact that no one had ever touched a finger against my temple. 

They say friendship is like wine, gets better with years, then love is like wine, gets standable in years. In the beginning you have no idea why you do it and you keep fucking it up. But then those who last are the strongest, with time they become stronger, when you know the other inside out, that’s why you love, you still love, there is no need to kill the love. Time and love seem to be stitched together and for some reason that stitching seems to be very strong. 

"The worst break up is when two people love each other." Is what Arielle had told Alex and I don’t know how broken had her face been with all her beliefs that love being apart is still love, that being alone on Valentine’s holds love, that lovers never intertwine besides on some photos, that the lives are separate and that the further the better it is to avoid the pain, but such didn’t happen. She was left. I had hovered imagining how he had to agree but the break up he had feared had been earlier with someone else. Arielle wasn’t the person he had feared. I couldn’t imagine dating someone who was pulling the weight down on the see-saw and I just looked at him, as he looked ahead, wondering what twisted thoughts had creeped in but then I hadn’t been better. Two are always at fault. One for being blind. 

I always wondered how come he had managed to sleep at night when I would walk outside and buy some ice cream at a local newsagent, eyeing all the magazines and wondering how many porn magazines had been stashed everywhere and I’d walk through the aisles, wondering when would they figure that I should leave, but instead I’d get ice cream and I’d leave it as such, walking back in the cold, the city managing to lick my wounds, but the problem was that it was too early to do so, as I was still bleeding. Everything seems like a faint memory now, but still seems quite bright in my eyes, some things just don’t fade away, but memories do break eventually. 

One day you just wake up and the depression seems to be gone and that had been during France. We were renting an apartment and what had amused me was that there was an oddly shaped full body mirror near the shower and Alex had been talking to Alexa and I was taking a shower. We had both taken the piss that most likely it was to watch themselves wank. I kept scrubbing my skin, avoiding the mirror and I had looked at myself. It was odd. I had always felt rather skinny, but I’d still avoid meals and then I looked at myself. I wasn’t that bad.

I wasn’t that bad.

I looked at myself as I scrubbed my arms, I wouldn’t be attracted to myself, but I wasn’t that bad with hair glued to my face. I wasn’t as wrong as I felt I was. I just got out of the shower and waited then for Alex patiently to continue lying to Alexa and to myself, but I had let myself dissolve as he seemed to have loved me. But during all these years, I still felt as if I had been holding onto straws which I couldn’t even feel on my fingers anymore. It felt as if once I had jumped onto a better place Alex would fade and we would never be on the same thought of getting back together. And it seemed to be that way and the pain never went away. It would increase unlike those days where I would try to tell myself to forget him and sometimes that would work until he would talk to me again and it would get worse.

We tried to get back together and I had closed the door again, right before Arielle again. It’s been so on and off, that I don’t even know which ones are dreams which I wake up from the night as he had poisoned all my essence, but it’s a slow painful death and he’s not doing anything to make it stop, it’s a small bite of venom which keeps spreading, making my body numb and fully dipped in lust and love. 

After France I had felt that I had been two, I could see myself nourishing my depression, I could see myself feeding myself. I could see myself wondering if I had the guts to run a butter knife up my leg and I’d even wonder how deep would it have to be for me to reach the blood and would I be numb enough to reach the bone, would I always be in the black box, shut tightly, not to even hear Alex’s footsteps, so that I never know where he is at. 

The fear still pierces me on the inside of my cheek as I look at him even now, wiping off all the ash which is left from Arielle off his sleeve. 

When you fall in love you suffocate and then when you’re loved back, you’re back to breathing only with your lungs full of fluid, but it’s not deadly, it’s the belief that it is, because people get scared of trusting people who will surely break their lives, telling the rest to be scared just because they are. 

Just because they had died from the water, doesn’t mean that all will. 

His perfection seems to taint me and fill me with fear and it had. The fear consumes me. I never feel well enough, especially after he kept leaving me it was me against the floor, trailing the nails against the floor, feeling my nails ache as I would imagine Alex with any silhouette just not my own. His perfection would seem to scare me, let me silent and wish that he would build me, that I would be an Alex in love with an Alex, but even then I’d find some fault within me to disqualify myself half-time. And even when he’s back with no Arielle on his sleeve and lipstick stains and he is all mine, I even feel envious of Arabella as I will never be an Alex and everyone else can. I was even shy to let the stubble grow because Alex would never do so unless he could, but because he couldn’t I saw no sense. 

The fact that the water in seas goes black in the night fascinates me and scares me. Also in ponds and when I’d get depressed when Alex would call Alexa, I’d get my collar up, no scarf and I’d walk maybe to remind myself how close I had been to death and that his hand is always there.

Maybe I am not grasping at straws indeed, maybe it’s a whole hand tugging me up. 

But jealousy had been the knife which we’d be carrying and it would be stuck between our bodies as we would make up, cutting us both, but when you bleed, you forget about the other. I can sometimes still see the blood on my fingers and my eyes have been opened when Alex’s wound is stitched and maybe I don’t hate his quiff anymore. 

The fear of seeing Arielle seems to startle me, the fact that she would point at me and yell that I am a man, that Alex is a man and that we shouldn’t be together and the heavens or whatever her mind will pray to will not accept it, how wrong it is and she will walk away as if she had sent the plague on our houses forever. I shiver. 

I’m not on the right side, to the world, to society I am the disgrace and I have converted Alex Turner. To the eyes of many I am the queer thing, the odd one, the faggot, the one who you should close your eyes on the street and the one my parents pray every night with the thought in the back of their head that they wish I were dead and long gone already to never dawn on their soft pink existence. 

I don’t have girls singing Arabella to me and wishing they were just as skinny as Arielle or Alexa. I had flicked through the book and the masculine cut and granola offended me, why would you even go to a female? Does your haircut matter? How shallow are you? It made me wonder if she had never been someone I should be scared of? Maybe he just missed her because she was recent. She didn’t seem to tip toe into his thoughts, he’d flick the yellow pages through her, his eyes barely catching her.

Maybe there is no fear to fear?

Like a child, I feared that I thought that all relationships were like ours, I happened to wear heart shaped glasses thinking that this was how it actually was to be queer, only a few deviants actually crawl out and confess about their lifestyle. Anxiety seemed to be keep going within me and the dark waters seemed thick, yet when I wasn’t near they seemed to attract me, but it felt as if if I were to jump, I’d suffocate I’d drown and I’d take Alex with me in a kiss. 

Fear kept following me as I’d watch him dress up and I think even Alex had noticed my distress the closer we had gotten to leaving France forever. We would never come back and I had started wondering if I could stick my head into the black goo, for it to swallow me and I wondered if in the night water would taste like licorice due to its colouring an perhaps flavouring.

I kept thinking that there was surely something wrong with me, stinging me like an unfinished cigarette giving you some odd fear that it might burn something as you cross the street towards some direction you won’t recall tomorrow. 

I really thought that something was wrong with me and I kept fiddling with the thought of therapy but throwing forty quid a week seemed unreasonable with something which could be contuing a week per every year and that seemed to bother me and I knew that someday my depression would catch up on me, the anxiety and sometimes I just felt tempted again to see how it would feel to drown with no Alex to yank me out, so that I could see all their reactions on their faces, but just like time, suicide was terminal. 

The fear of being unwanted stings and dismantles, giving an odd pear taste of jealousy which seems to cause all my insecurities. The fact that I was alone and gay after Paris seemed to make it worse, gay seemed to become a word linked to me so close that I had forgotten that there was something odd about me loving another man and even in Paris, I didn’t feel gay, I didn’t feel like waving a pride flag and attaching it to my bike, I just felt in love, the word which people try to describe.

I didn’t feel worthy with all his quoting of Dostoevsky who I couldn’t read late at night, holding my eyes and feeling no connection to someone who was attracted to females. Mishima was far too much of an odd and loveless read, but at least I could see the attraction between men which seem to ride my interest, but even then I could not understand how Alex would bite through all these books and I realized that he still had half of him which understood people who were normal. I don’t understand why do we barely have any books, why do even the books with good plots have to escape my fingers because I don’t understand the rules of written love.

You just fall in love and sometimes even queer people forget about it.

I flinch. 

I shift to Alex, it all comes down to the fear of being left alone in the walls when the gun is loaded and there is no chance that the bullet won’t happen in this delightful game of Russian Roulette. The gun is entirely loaded with Alex in my mind. 

I believe the thing which even made me lean closer to the water was meeting Jamie and Alison in Paris. We had both had the question upon the lips, only The Kills had the whole atmosphere of are they actually fucking with all the guitar sex, which I thought we never had. 

I tried not to think of myself that I even forget what I was thinking of, when the jokes would shift on the tables which we’d sit with people and he’d laugh at gay jokes and I would just sit there, how he can shift in and I can’t, how I don’t understand the thrill of a dumb trophy wife on your side, I don’t understand how can you let your life slip free without love. 

"Have you ever thought that maybe he’s doing for the whole interest of are they fucking or not? Once you knew about The White Stripes it still had the whole why are they still together, so that’s an exception. They will gave interest." Hince would blow on his cigarette as it would continue lazily burning. "While if me and Alison got together, yeah, great lets see them fuck on stage. But then what? Yeah you see us fuck and that’s it, the singles get annoyed and pray that well break up because they can’t get the guts to fucking date. That’s it. You lose."

I palen and I keep watching Alex with Alison laughing about something and drinking each other’s shots, still three shots in a row in front of them.

"With you and Al, it’s even better, you’ve got the whole tongue in cheek interest, the whole sin thing going on. You just can’t say you don’t love each other, you love the sex behind the scenes but you don’t want gay men in your iPod, do you?"

I don’t hit him. I don’t even change topic, I let Hince’s smug face fade away as his interest in me is now a loss which even he sees.

“Even those who say gay is ok, the won’t go supporting you and they’ll fucking support any cunt who happens to be do something they are used to on television, the gay jokes will continue because the homophobes are in power and those who will accept you will be backstabbing your carreer by giving the homophobes the power to turn you into powder. That’s why you don’t come out, Kane.” I just freeze and he watched me amused and through his own fog of alcohol and earlier taken drugs I’m guessing and easy smile, as the drugs start wearing off. I watch him. 

The loss of Paris seemed like a heavy load, something like a blade cutting the fabric and even if there had been no blood, I still cringed at Alex’s lack of time and how I would just can myself inside and when I started touring and giving myself a schedule I felt as if now he had all the reason to ignore me under my own flesh. He’d still visit me but we’d be scared to touch as I had known who had given him his shirt, who had planted a kiss of trust on his lips just for me to peel it off. 

-

I'm sorry that it has taken so long to write it but it is over 3k isn't it? XD Anyway, don't worry I'll be writing more often now with weight off my back, so yeah. Don't worry I'm not planning to break up anyway who wasn't supposed to break up XD 

The longing through out the chapter is pretty much quite intense, so yeah. The line about the break up came to my head randomly I believe a few weeks ago and I had written it down wondering who from the story could've said it and it even seemed ironic for me to choose Arielle, because I frankly dislike her, so yeah. Break ups are always messy if they're with someone who you're not meant to be with or frankly someone vain like Arielle in this story. I don't know why people hurt people and you're the culprit. I don't know. 

I started tackling Miles' depression in this story just like in a lot of my stories mental health is a theme which goes through out only Miles is also suicidal which brings it up in the story again with the whole metaphor of water since that seems to be his choice of method, I'd say. 

I dunno when it comes to depression it's really from day to day and on bad days from hour to hour. 

Water in the night seems beautiful and odd. I guess through out the stories it's seen what fascinates me in an odd way, that's why I enjoy any rides from busses to trains which inspire me to no end. 

Homophobia is always a key element because frankly I won't shut up until we are all accepted and people stop excusing homophobes, you're not helping if you're supporting the ones against it. It's that simple. It's human. It's a human right. We are all people. We all deserve the best and same. 

In general my stories are all to increase visibility through characters which I love and I hope will make a change in this stupid world where people think that heteronormativity is ok. I guess I like my stories deep and with meaning. 

Apparently I have an obsession with Hince ruining everything XD and yeah, I love him to bits anyway xD 

Pretty much the message is simple, stop supporting homophobic things, if you are, well, fuck you. That's it. I'm just tired of fighting over it. And if I'm not enough or my stories or people who get killed aren't enough, well, then, that's something I am not interested in and frankly it won't matter because the time will come when all will be alright and we won't have to fear getting killed, at least not as much as now. 

Please feel free to request and tell me if you enjoyed it and thank you :)

<3