Fiji3

I couldn’t stay at Jamie’s for long so I had to back to my parents each day and the first time had been obscure.

I sat watching my brother eating quietly my parents discussing what had been in their heads and what roamed in the streets.

“Dreams are too real, they are pictures which you want to come true.” I had Jamie’s voice in my head and his lips on my cheeks, lips and how he had licked me briefly on the clit. I couldn’t hold myself. I had wanted more, I wanted to pull his hair, exposing his neck, feast on it, licking, hearing him moan, go down.

I felt awkward I felt different, if you have sex with the right person your vision changes, you become closer with the right person and I was awkward. My parents had sex. Matthew just kept chewing, eyes down maybe he had also sneaked out to meet someone but he just kept looking down.

I felt as if I would be grabbed by both legs and taken on the table, spread out and the whole inside me would be seen, that there is a path inside to me which Jamie built on. I wonder how his first time went, I couldn’t think of any analogy how would it be to a man, I could be checked, I could be pregnant, but then he could be checked as well.

I couldn’t eat longer I could feel his hands -

I masturbated in the shower, red faced and wanting more.

When everyone fell asleep I ended up opening the water and calling him.

“Hi.” I mumbled, whispering.

Jamie had been drinking something.

“Hey.” He said.

I smiled, the tiles cold and easing as I pressed my legs together feeling myself sliding into something cold, the floor but I could hear Jamie slide in how much booze he drank and what he had heard. In the end he took his guitar, I heard his matches and he soon enough started smoking.

I think I fell asleep as Matthew had laughed, muffling his voice.

He picked up the phone and I snatched it from him.

My brother raised his hands.

Jamie was there.

“I love you.”

We hung up.

The next day we made love again, it was like a drug, painful, consuming, it was sex. You can’t get enough, you surrender to your partner and it is a fucking equal game. It had still been painful but I ended up not caring glancing down to see him inside me, both soaked up and tongues intertwined, it had been more than sex, I had gone on top, he had shoved me against the pillow, raising my head, taking me from behind, licking my neck.

It had even ended up with sex and music. A few hours a day we’d be given and Jamie would flick an old vinyl he had taken from a neighbor who had died or not cared or a used CD and he would go inside.

A cigarette would be even smoked during sex and quickly describing the pub, missing and Matthew, my parents choices of clothes.

Then Jamie had mentioned his family coming over, handing me the cigarette.

“Embarrassing eh?” He smirked. Jamie went back to bed as I left.

The man pounded on the window grinning at me as I left in his unzipped old hoodie, the zipper was long gone. I just hid the sweater in my backpack in the subway and slept until my stop.

Fiji4