Pale Blue Eyes4

I stare at the hollow of the broken cup, tracing my fingers on the edges which I expected to be sharp. My brother’s friend, who is Russian once I told her, told me back that it means that happiness will come, but I’m on the edge of saying that true happiness comes in death like a Barbie doll.

My brother keeps jabbing me in the back of my spine, to stop eating as I’ve been too depressed while visiting all the relatives, car rides from night to dark again, my hands too tired for stretching out for the air and I’ve started gaining weight and everyone seems too annoying, that I close myself in the toilet and I cry.

I want to go home, I want to spill coffee all over Agyness like I did last time, she quickly removed her skirt on the spot and I saw her underwear shorts which were a light blue with a small cloud on the front and I stared at it, to which she grinned.

God, I want to go home, I feel all the smiles and how people live, but it seems so outdated to me and the clothes I see seem old fashions which just reached here and I want to be left alone and I’m sure all the relatives have the same wishes and all this desperation and letting my thought open up, makes me feel vulnerable and I want to go home.

I want to go home, is a long phrase from one corner of a mouth to another, as I see my brother’s new girlfriend and how people talk about new laws and I avoid my own sexuality, looking how butch I look in the mirror, trying to fix my hair and in the end I slip on the floor, flying down and wishing I would wake up in Scotland once again with Jamie and his girls who dance, shoes off, never being able to walk in heels.

I want to steal their heels which smell of home.

It feels like I can’t write anymore and I want the smell of that new to me Lush lemon whatever soap and I want to see all the vegans run around with hairs like carousels. I want winter again, so I can wrap myself as if I am sleeping sweetly among the streets, feeling the wind and still counting the money in my head, as usual.

I want to see the wheel and hesitate on cheap beer.

I wondered how this New Year would go and once I head out the toilet, I want to go home even faster, not even to see Agyness, but to immerse my love into the city, a city, a country which loves me, which accepts my sexuality and actually has gay people walking on the street instead of disappointed with life and fate faces.

I wonder if she’ll remember that girl with black hair who would look at her and who asked her name. Sometimes the wall between reality and a dream are transparent and just a few glitters are seen, to remind the distance and I can kiss that wall to feel Agyness’ lips until I don’t feel home and I open my eyes to Matthew’s girlfriend playing football with my dad. I take a cherry and I chew it, playing with the seed. The glitter wall is there to remind us, how separated we are, like in prison, I see home, but I’m not there.

I’m not among the streets which looked like their burnt, I’m not even sure I will be able to remember her voice if she never comes back in her jeans shorts and platform Converse with stripes all over and a few badges making some holes with spiky short blonde hair, I’m guessing, trying to figure out the average pattern.

I get back to the toilet, lean my head back and I start masturbating to get the depression out, crying, not reaching an orgasm, because like my body, my soul isn’t home yet.

-

Aaand here it is. I'm still visiting my family and I'm awfully homesick. I'm very homesick. I guess it might be a bit weird, but I've finally found home and the place which is my home. So, yeah, I've been quite struggling on this chapter and yeah, apparently when I'm far away from home it's hard for me as all my stories come from inspiration which comes from Scotland, Scottish people and I'm pretty much blah about the people on the streets here XD sorry, my own opinion, sorry, sorry! xD

I'm just homesick and Scotland always was my dear inspiration with Callie so yeah xD

Haha, send me random photos of seagulls and Scotland please XD I already have like photos of seagulls everywhere which are my fave bird XD

I hope you enjoyed the chapter and feel free to request :D

<3

I Know You Will

“Why are you braiding my hair?” I ask Maddie as I don’t touch anything near my hair, as I feel her fingers slide through and swiftly make a few braids before ending up in a bigger one and I sigh.

“Well, you’re not that evil, so you won’t interrupt me.” She giggles and keeps doing it. I open my eyes to see her behind me in the reflection and sometimes I wish I could take out a random table and drink grey tea. Apple was shocked to learn that I drink milk with it, but she got me some, when I asked her, when I was laying in bed like a star, wondering why can’t I send some stars above my own bed, but that wouldn’t be too evil for me, it would be too tender, something Apple would do and Maddie would avoid. Her room is a mess of all colours and teapots scattered all over with her thousands of pet mice running around and playing Monopoly.

“Why are you doing this?” I ask again. Maddie starts brushing the end of the braid.

“To make you look more straight, of course. I mean, you’ll chase Dexter away. I mean, people think I’m contagious.” To which Maddie saddened a bit, it has caused quite an uproar even if it doesn’t really change anything written, its more about if she will affect anyone else’s story. And looking at Maddie, makes me even scared.

I look at her polka dotted gloves and I want to touch them with my own lips, tell her I don’t care and actually refuse the fate which will be written for me as I go down the path in the forest and onto the ever after after where I will be killed. All I get is some enjoyment and hate in my blood which I’m not allowed to spit out.

I don’t know what to tell her, because I myself am closeted, I don’t even know how is it to have a person who accepts you. I know that Maddie would accept me, but I know Maddie she will say it out and say that I surely shouldn’t go down such path, as I am supposed to be intertwined with Charming’s son. I feel disgusted by him and how Apple even shudders away from him sometimes, whenever he pays attention.

I look up at Maddie and I sigh.

Closing my eyes, feeling the need for any female I can find and I keep breathing out slowly as Maddie takes out her table slowly and starts making me tea with milk and three sugars. I like it pretty much sweet unlike Maddie who only takes one spoon, liking her tea pretty strong, so she waits longer for her tea to be stronger and we sip slowly, wondering how could day two be with Maddie confessing her sexuality not only to herself, to me but to the entire school and Goldilocks putting it on MyChapter.

I don’t stroke Maddie’s cheek and I feel myself biting my lips.

“Oh, come on, so what if I like girls? That doesn’t mean I prefer coffee to tea, now that would be a disaster.” And Maddie laughs, pouring herself another cup of tea and another one to cool down a bit. She drinks both of them one after another, though.

-

Aaaand I don't think I'll reveal the pairings and anything (cackles loudly). But after me critising EAH, I randomly felt like fairy tales today and I decided to check it but I started from Apple's story and I pretty much enjoyed it. I like Raven too, but I just really like Apple xD I feel like... I can do stuff XD

So basically right now, I'm kinda searching stuff on Zoe Devlin-Love, so if anyone has some interviews or something related please poke me T_T

So basically, while I'm waiting and searching, I felt like in a writing mood and figured to post something which isn't really requested, well, I've got EAH requests, but this one is yeah :O anyway, I figured, give at least one EAH fanfic up :3

Obviously request :) and if you're here for the first time, since it is a new fandom, I run on a request basis :D so feel free to request the next chapter :3

<3

Stale Smoke In A Running Circle8

His mouth is still on my neck, sliding down and I can’t stop, his eyes close on mine as he kisses me and it feels right.

It feels bizarre with him just being with Thom recently, but I say nothing, my hair feeling short and spiky all of a sudden even if it had grown and it’s as if I know that I’m finally back after the written old letters I’ve sent and it’s as if I am back in the airport and we are talking about how big we will be, what we will buy. Jamie wants leather shoes, new ones not used or a lucky dip in a charity shop, which the shop assistant’s didn’t fit into.

Jamie keeps stroking my hair and I don’t care who is cheating on who anymore, I don’t care who he was with, grabbing his mouth and I know I have nothing with Alex, I don’t care.

I really don’t, it’s more about the moment and how his hands slide up and down.

If he were to cut my hair, I wouldn’t mind, I wouldn’t mind if he would see me as a bloke.

When I think of it, what would a female even be? Where does gender end? Why is there only two genders?

Why do we still have some rules, people watch a show about a man who eats people. I don’t find that not sexy at all, but people get excited and it’s ok, as l long as it doesn’t fall into the LGBT letters.

Jamie always liked some homoerotism in our songs, but they would never make the cut, when I would choose more honest songs, he wouldn’t be open. But even if you’re gay, it’s ok to be with a woman.

But would I be one? In my jeans, I could be a tomboy, but all I did was dye my hair back when I was a teenager and my friends were always blokes and I wouldn’t even date them, I just felt distant and annoyed when I would get my period.

I don’t really have a sex life, so I feel weird if I go to the GP to ask for contraceptives, which one of Jamie’s friends had told that now she had no periods, making her like a full woman now, all in her energy and not feeling what it’s like to count the days until the period and waste money on period essentials. She had flicked her brown hair back, lighting a cigarette, exhaling, she was pretty and she tingled my feels a bit and I had realized that sexuality is fluid sometimes or sometimes people are too pretty for your sexuality to notice it’s drifting somewhere else.

So she had told about the mini pill, which had taken away her period and I had felt jealous and maybe then I wondered how would it be to be a bloke, to have her in my arms as she was only attracted to older men and I was older than her already, but she wouldn’t think of me as a bloke unless I identified with one. She said she had dated a transman once, now today everyone is single and everyone is sleeping with everyone, I wonder how come we don’t put our hands up and dive into an orgy?

But what is it to be a man?

What is it to be a woman?

Is it the word which appeals more to you?

But there’s so many women and so many men.

It even feels bizarre to think of myself, maybe I’m just trying to fit in Jamie’s box.

I don’t know.

I pull him harder, actually daring myself to slide a hand down his pants, something which doesn’t feel feminine. And I see Jamie’s friend laughing slightly, saying that I’m not a lady, maybe the other woman, just like she is.

Why I’m not doubting Jamie’s sexuality?

Because I’ve seen him look at men, I’ve seen him check them out and I’ve suspected other men’s lips upon him.

Do I just want Jamie too much?

I start frenching him even harder, not bothering to look and I start stroking his cock, as he slides his hand to the front of my old ripped jeans which I’ve done some pins with and drawn upon, sewn on something on the back, which I don’t even recall, something I had grabbed just to be with the morning and see the nuisance which ended up being Thom.

Jamie fingers me a bit too harsh but soon enough I become wet and the fact that I’m touching him turns me on too much as well. I keep kissing him and I can’t stop, I start breathing harder and harder, pushing away from his lips, feeling sweat slowly appearing on my forehead, I feel cold all of a sudden, a shiver running through my body as Jamie closes his eyes and our lips come crashing as I bite his bottom lip harder as I clench my teeth not to reveal my orgasm’s sound to the air, as I open my eyes and I’m still shivering.

I hug him tight, and I start crying.

-

As you might have guessed the female friend which Jamie is referring to is Lana, because I ship her so hard with Alison, that it hurts T__T but I don't think this is a story about them XD I've got others XD But yeah Lana is gorgeous and I pretty much wrote this chapter to Lana and finally got into Young & Beautiful after ages XD

I've been fiddling with the idea of Alison being a transman in this story and yes, it is a sudden turn, but discovering your own gender identity or sexuality is a big turn after all, so yeah :) I'm pretty much figuring out with Alison both her gender identity and sexulity XD so yeah, me and Alison are fiddling her :)

I hope you enjoyed it and it is quite a daring story which actually taking all these characters and putting them very AU and their sexualities and etc.

I hope you enjoyed it and please do request:3

Sorry that it takes a while as the queue is long, but here, get a longer than usual chapter :D

<3

Genitalium 2

(2015):

Through out our life, due to media, due to influence, due to many things we get the wrong opinions.

We fuck up.

I grew up in homophobic and transphobic places, I've said things I regret deeply.

Genitalium is one of those.

I kept it throughout the years without revision and it was my mistake and it was obviously a widely read story and remained as one of my most-read.

Now it's finally gone. I didn't even know how to continue it for years actually. Because it has no ending, because the ending is in every fucking cissexist/transphobic female out there.

Thank fuck and bye, Genitalium.

Maybe one day I'll be pissed off enough and take some transman story I'm writing and place it here as a proper spin-off of the disaster that once was, who knows, that will tick off those who sent me death threats.

In the mean-time, here's some actual great trans romance:

Blue/Jacket
Stale Smoke In A Running Circle
Knitting
Joyce, Joyce
An Ode
Sultry Room
PDD or Hypoxyphilia
Swallow

Fucked4

I can’t sleep because I keep thinking of Alison and Jack having penetrative sex, it’s not because my penis is left all alone here, but it’s actually about them having sex.

So I wake up and get water, trying not to wake Kate up.

Great, I’m engaged and running after my bandmate.

I’m sleepy all of a sudden and I want my bed to empty rather than Kate sleeping in a star shape with a pillow over her head, until she notices and lies straight, avoiding wrinkles.

There is just an echo left for Kate, which I don’t even think belongs to me, so I check Lila Grace’s room and I feel as much affection as her own mother feels, which isn’t a lot as we don’t even spend that much time with the child, I’ve reached the age when teenagers are far away as my own birth. I look at them and I wonder how did I have sex at that age and even tried my first drugs a few years later. Nothing makes sense.

So I just walk out, feeling nothing left of Alison either with her hair dyed now and I don’t know what I long for anymore, even if we never had sexual contact, well, not a lot, just he chin against my own rather than brief kissing and I had started biting her neck, I had thought over the fact that I hadn’t wanked rather than anything else. I walk back and I find myself in the bathroom, pulling a string, some old thing Kate had left and the light is on, the mirror shows the passion I hold and no guilt I feel once my hands are sticky and pretty much stink.

I wash my own face, feeling the stubble trying to cut my fingers, to show the wrong crime I’ve committed. I’ve got no relation left with Kate, I don’t even know why I’m here, I don’t even know why the night still exists and why is Kate even sleeping.

I slip out, letting Lila Grace use the toilet, if she was younger I’d be worried about a child trauma, but I don’t think I care about a child I shouldn’t. I don’t think I should have such gift if I don’t love her woman.

And Alison’s there in my mind, smoking with me, as we listen to the same things instead of watching Geordie Shore.

I keep asking myself stuff which I don’t do, why don’t I and it’s as if I am back being a teenager with depression dripping instead of sweat in the summer. Alison had been washing her hands and I stood behind her, hugging her from behind and I wondered why can’t we just have sex here, just close the door, rumors were floating everywhere and Matthew had asked me once, before he himself discovered what polygamy is, when your mind drifts and too many people seem the same, so doesn’t matter which face you wake up to.

So I didn’t do anything, instead I had grabbed Kate and I think I fucked too hard, Kate had enjoyed it, but I just felt irritated at everything, I ended up kicking the fridge and Kate had asked what’s wrong, but I didn’t ask for help, instead we just drank milk, neither of us vegan again and Kate had read something about milk, so we just drank milk.

My mind is blank, I don’t know what to do anymore, I just don’t want to think and I’ve got no pillow to scream to and crying won’t do anything, even if I don’t feel like anything, frustration just screams and there is no point in the next day with Kate asking about the new album and it irritates me, as I don’t want to hear about it, I don’t want to do anything.

I slept until six the next day, Kate walking with Lila for a change and sharing toast. I wanted to sleep more, not knowing what had happened to my iPhone, so I just slept more, until both of them were asleep and I drained all the milk, escaping to the 24 hour Tesco by driving. I kept wondering who could I drive into, how much damage would I get and what is the percentage that I would have cancer, but everything goes fast and I’m in Tesco choosing more milk, buying five containers of milk, knowing that I would drink them all.

-

I can't really write a chapter which is on the queue too long as I haven't had much time and energy. The fact that I'm not home is draining me and I'm awfully homesick, as I'm not home at the moment. I can't even be without seagulls any longer XD

So I apologize for the shorter chapter and I hope you enjoyed it, my frustration was given to Jamie and yeah, we're both pretty tense XD

I'm also dragged around doctors which is worrying, so yeah, I've been pretty unwell recently, so there's everything and my mind is just screaming at me to go home, hear seagulls and strong accents, use Nectar cards and etc. I'm pretty homesick and yeah, it's draining me.

I hope you enjoyed it, please request :)

<3