Pale Blue Eyes4

I stare at the hollow of the broken cup, tracing my fingers on the edges which I expected to be sharp. My brother’s friend, who is Russian once I told her, told me back that it means that happiness will come, but I’m on the edge of saying that true happiness comes in death like a Barbie doll.

My brother keeps jabbing me in the back of my spine, to stop eating as I’ve been too depressed while visiting all the relatives, car rides from night to dark again, my hands too tired for stretching out for the air and I’ve started gaining weight and everyone seems too annoying, that I close myself in the toilet and I cry.

I want to go home, I want to spill coffee all over Agyness like I did last time, she quickly removed her skirt on the spot and I saw her underwear shorts which were a light blue with a small cloud on the front and I stared at it, to which she grinned.

God, I want to go home, I feel all the smiles and how people live, but it seems so outdated to me and the clothes I see seem old fashions which just reached here and I want to be left alone and I’m sure all the relatives have the same wishes and all this desperation and letting my thought open up, makes me feel vulnerable and I want to go home.

I want to go home, is a long phrase from one corner of a mouth to another, as I see my brother’s new girlfriend and how people talk about new laws and I avoid my own sexuality, looking how butch I look in the mirror, trying to fix my hair and in the end I slip on the floor, flying down and wishing I would wake up in Scotland once again with Jamie and his girls who dance, shoes off, never being able to walk in heels.

I want to steal their heels which smell of home.

It feels like I can’t write anymore and I want the smell of that new to me Lush lemon whatever soap and I want to see all the vegans run around with hairs like carousels. I want winter again, so I can wrap myself as if I am sleeping sweetly among the streets, feeling the wind and still counting the money in my head, as usual.

I want to see the wheel and hesitate on cheap beer.

I wondered how this New Year would go and once I head out the toilet, I want to go home even faster, not even to see Agyness, but to immerse my love into the city, a city, a country which loves me, which accepts my sexuality and actually has gay people walking on the street instead of disappointed with life and fate faces.

I wonder if she’ll remember that girl with black hair who would look at her and who asked her name. Sometimes the wall between reality and a dream are transparent and just a few glitters are seen, to remind the distance and I can kiss that wall to feel Agyness’ lips until I don’t feel home and I open my eyes to Matthew’s girlfriend playing football with my dad. I take a cherry and I chew it, playing with the seed. The glitter wall is there to remind us, how separated we are, like in prison, I see home, but I’m not there.

I’m not among the streets which looked like their burnt, I’m not even sure I will be able to remember her voice if she never comes back in her jeans shorts and platform Converse with stripes all over and a few badges making some holes with spiky short blonde hair, I’m guessing, trying to figure out the average pattern.

I get back to the toilet, lean my head back and I start masturbating to get the depression out, crying, not reaching an orgasm, because like my body, my soul isn’t home yet.

-

Aaand here it is. I'm still visiting my family and I'm awfully homesick. I'm very homesick. I guess it might be a bit weird, but I've finally found home and the place which is my home. So, yeah, I've been quite struggling on this chapter and yeah, apparently when I'm far away from home it's hard for me as all my stories come from inspiration which comes from Scotland, Scottish people and I'm pretty much blah about the people on the streets here XD sorry, my own opinion, sorry, sorry! xD

I'm just homesick and Scotland always was my dear inspiration with Callie so yeah xD

Haha, send me random photos of seagulls and Scotland please XD I already have like photos of seagulls everywhere which are my fave bird XD

I hope you enjoyed the chapter and feel free to request :D

<3