Tuesday, 9 July 2013


I can’t sleep because I keep thinking of Alison and Jack having penetrative sex, it’s not because my penis is left all alone here, but it’s actually about them having sex.

So I wake up and get water, trying not to wake Kate up.

Great, I’m engaged and running after my bandmate.

I’m sleepy all of a sudden and I want my bed to empty rather than Kate sleeping in a star shape with a pillow over her head, until she notices and lies straight, avoiding wrinkles.

There is just an echo left for Kate, which I don’t even think belongs to me, so I check Lila Grace’s room and I feel as much affection as her own mother feels, which isn’t a lot as we don’t even spend that much time with the child, I’ve reached the age when teenagers are far away as my own birth. I look at them and I wonder how did I have sex at that age and even tried my first drugs a few years later. Nothing makes sense.

So I just walk out, feeling nothing left of Alison either with her hair dyed now and I don’t know what I long for anymore, even if we never had sexual contact, well, not a lot, just he chin against my own rather than brief kissing and I had started biting her neck, I had thought over the fact that I hadn’t wanked rather than anything else. I walk back and I find myself in the bathroom, pulling a string, some old thing Kate had left and the light is on, the mirror shows the passion I hold and no guilt I feel once my hands are sticky and pretty much stink.

I wash my own face, feeling the stubble trying to cut my fingers, to show the wrong crime I’ve committed. I’ve got no relation left with Kate, I don’t even know why I’m here, I don’t even know why the night still exists and why is Kate even sleeping.

I slip out, letting Lila Grace use the toilet, if she was younger I’d be worried about a child trauma, but I don’t think I care about a child I shouldn’t. I don’t think I should have such gift if I don’t love her woman.

And Alison’s there in my mind, smoking with me, as we listen to the same things instead of watching Geordie Shore.

I keep asking myself stuff which I don’t do, why don’t I and it’s as if I am back being a teenager with depression dripping instead of sweat in the summer. Alison had been washing her hands and I stood behind her, hugging her from behind and I wondered why can’t we just have sex here, just close the door, rumors were floating everywhere and Matthew had asked me once, before he himself discovered what polygamy is, when your mind drifts and too many people seem the same, so doesn’t matter which face you wake up to.

So I didn’t do anything, instead I had grabbed Kate and I think I fucked too hard, Kate had enjoyed it, but I just felt irritated at everything, I ended up kicking the fridge and Kate had asked what’s wrong, but I didn’t ask for help, instead we just drank milk, neither of us vegan again and Kate had read something about milk, so we just drank milk.

My mind is blank, I don’t know what to do anymore, I just don’t want to think and I’ve got no pillow to scream to and crying won’t do anything, even if I don’t feel like anything, frustration just screams and there is no point in the next day with Kate asking about the new album and it irritates me, as I don’t want to hear about it, I don’t want to do anything.

I slept until six the next day, Kate walking with Lila for a change and sharing toast. I wanted to sleep more, not knowing what had happened to my iPhone, so I just slept more, until both of them were asleep and I drained all the milk, escaping to the 24 hour Tesco by driving. I kept wondering who could I drive into, how much damage would I get and what is the percentage that I would have cancer, but everything goes fast and I’m in Tesco choosing more milk, buying five containers of milk, knowing that I would drink them all.


I can't really write a chapter which is on the queue too long as I haven't had much time and energy. The fact that I'm not home is draining me and I'm awfully homesick, as I'm not home at the moment. I can't even be without seagulls any longer XD

So I apologize for the shorter chapter and I hope you enjoyed it, my frustration was given to Jamie and yeah, we're both pretty tense XD

I'm also dragged around doctors which is worrying, so yeah, I've been pretty unwell recently, so there's everything and my mind is just screaming at me to go home, hear seagulls and strong accents, use Nectar cards and etc. I'm pretty homesick and yeah, it's draining me.

I hope you enjoyed it, please request :)


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