Saturday, 21 March 2015

Broken Black Varnish Requiem 9

It’s intimidating to know that nothing passes, that the screams should always be silent and if you write anywhere about how depressed you are, on any piece of social media, everyone you’ve ever known or will know will know as well. The cries can never be silent if you want to be heard, the problem is the wind and there is nothing you can do about it.

I wake up drooling on the pillow, as Jamie keeps fixing his hair and I just sit up, as if I had some morning hangover and he helps me dress up not to be late for the party, as I quickly wonder if I should call Alex. What do I even say? I just text him, so that he’d see when he can, that we’re invited to Jack’s divorce party and I make sure to add that Jamie wants to fuck Jack. As I keep finishing my eyeliner, I get a text back from Alex, wishing Jamie luck.

I look down at the marital ring, which Jack was clearly lacking yet I have and back to the mirror. I redo my eye twice under Jamie’s insightful loud sipping of more cocktails to make sure he throws up on my rug in the morning as if he were seventeen again. Jamie remained a friend to us both and he seemed to be one to remind us of it nearly every day, as he started fiddling with my foundation, showing me as he put a stripe on his cheek, causing me to laugh sleepily, before putting a pillow on my face, so that I wouldn’t talk and anxiety would draw stars. I find it odd to have our stories unfold we must do stuff through the veil of social anxiety as well as other insecurities, it becomes far too interactive. 

When you freefall, you know that you’ll land in the arms you’ve imagined and that’s how it’s always been with Alex, so the question is why do you try to fly twice when you’ve got a home and you pretend as if you’re a baby bird again? 

I take off the ring and hastily put it back on, as I hear Jamie walk back into the room, not even realizing he had left in the first place and I looked at him, as if to remind myself that I was the same when I had chosen and loved Alex as much as I do now. We all age, but nothing changes, we tell ourselves we do, but we stumble in love and other disasters at all times. 


I've been awfully tired and busy, so I've been either making odd notes of further chapters which are one-liners or binging. But in general, I've just been awfully tired, so that's why and when I push out shorter chapters because it's much easier to write backstories to them and I want to resume to the at least 1 per 2 days update.

I wrote this chapter ages ago and kept stalling it, frankly. I was depressed one day and I started thinking that if I posted an update about me feeling like shit, those people will see and so on and it felt weird, knowing that frankly you end up knowing people on all social media and they will know.

The foundation line was frankly from musing on a few photos were Jamie looked like he literally chose a foundation way too white for him, as if it had been Alison's so yeah.

It's weird and interesting to I guess put my polyamory to use in a twisted way, because well, I'm open with Callie when it comes to other relationships so it's quite straight-forward there's no ring taking off, but yeah.

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did

Thank you



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