Confessing and all the rituals prior feel like a roll of the dice.
Just fuck me up.
Let me lay in the bathtub, feeling myself free and broken and underwater, as Jamie sits besides me, reading a newspaper, checking and knowing how much I can hold underwater and I can see him grabbing me from the tub, slipping, knowing that I would be dead and then putting me up straight once he can, to believe that heartbreak from the dead would do nothing
that I would be unbroken porcelain
because I never said I love you enough
because all the snow had melted and spring was gray, muddling through the summer and the winter again with it’s bones with wrong loves, wrong thoughts and wrong card flicks
because you know you can’t do it
Lana would be all the words, even if she were not to know it
because you have faith in those who have loved and carried their strength to their bones which would take longer to rot and then fill up everything around us, slowly to make us breathe when we are dead
I don’t know how to tell her how much I had loved her and walking past the streets and the bars, I had never wished so hard that we had met
met so much before
and I could’ve.
Take me to the streamers with the smell of beer and be there because you weren’t there.
Let me love, knowing.
I wish I could see clearer and I can’t even get myself to look at the evidence which just consists of photos which I had quickly flicked over and descriptions of the cut hair and that was it and my own recollection of holding her, as Jamie dropped the wine. And everything mixed in the snow, as if it could hold it for eternity but only laughing that nothing lasts forever and someone else’s life strangles yours.
Me and Jamie had sat under the streamers and he told me how he had seen a teacher puke out drunk, vomiting and letting children who went out to drink as well and I wondered why had I pictured him on the same square, closer to the colourful streamer street, as we sat, ourselves drinking and the snow hadn’t melted now, but it was pure summer when he told me, both of us in a weird recollection scene where neither discusses their or other’s mistakes.
So it becomes a way, that any denial of seeing the person makes you wonder who you really are and what have you been before, because now you’ve got to cut it out, the part where you were with the person to understand what had been going on in that cut out photograph.
And it makes it lonelier to come back to who you were alone and forgiven.
“If you were to die now, what would your thoughts be... regarding death, what would you even be thinking even?” I say, breathing out the smoke as Jamie remains for the night, as I take the couch and he sits on a chair nearby, poking some old magazines we’ve used for collages years ago and it feels like everything should be going back somewhere because you always feel the change, if everything were to end and go red, I’d think it always was like this.
He looks at me, as if we would be discussing someone else’s death.
“I’d probably think...” He pauses, looking away.
“I’d want to know that Lana loves me.”
“But she did.”
“But if death is nothing, I’d want to die knowing something I would never know again.”
I still think it's one of the saddest stories to let go considering that I had entirely fallen with it and kind of changed it dramatically on these last chapters to be honest and I just keep thinking about other stories I could start with Alison/Lana since Disaster isn't one so yeah xD
I dunno, I guess a lot of the love comes from making Alison androgynous, so that kind of hits home and what made this story good well, which I agreed as I was discussing it with Callie, which she said was that these chapters shed a lot of light on Alison/Jamie which had a weird edge in the beginning.
I've been awfully manic these past few days so it's been awfully stressful, so that kind of makes stories which were written under previous manic episodes with I guess vivid short imagery. These two chapters were written as I was depressed and I was frankly feeling like shit and I honestly opened to fuck things up xD and here is what happened, really. The dice roll was because I was just feeling angsty and that's where it came from, because you never know what actually happens by the end of your side, as you tell it that is.
I like giving my characters opposite to me opinions like Alison not believing in the afterlife, really.
I think baths are the new waltzing xD
One of the biggest kind of regrets I always have regarding partners is not having enough past memories, that I never saw them as kids, teenage years in some cases or early teens and that we had just met now, when we could've somehow before, really
When I was writing this story I wondered how much insight should I give on such things as some things mentioned here, because I really try to stay open in backstories but I'm not too fond of talking regarding people I'm attracted to besides Callie, so yeah, I can shed light on some memories with her, so I thought later, after writing on how much light should I even allow, since I've been a bit of a weird place, I don't speak much of it, but at times I feel uncomfortable on how people end up knowing too much and obsessing over me, so many things end up hidden under wraps, the bare minimum told in a story, but it becomes a conflict because I honestly adore telling what happened where and why.
Either way, back to the story, many places just strike me in mind, which I end up using, I can't recall but I think I mentioned this specific region of Lisbon in "-" which I'm talking about here, but either way, it kind of inspired me, how me and Callie would sit there drinking and it was always gorgeous and yeah. The teacher story was something Callie had told me as we were walking around, specifically in this square and that kind of stuck to me, I guess coz I imagined the teacher vividly xD
I miss doing collages out of magazines, I should do that, that's why the phrase is there xD
The next chapter is the last and frankly I dunno, I'm trying to do a less spoiling word, but it really explains the whole story as a whole and Lana's death specifically, so it really wraps up all holes and I hope you'll like it as this chapter as the whole story
Please if you liked it, please tell me as I'm freaking out if it's good because I'm honestly shattered that I finished it and I am very very satisfied with the ending and fucking sad xD