Monday, 23 March 2015

I Can't Wait9

“Can I ask, why me?” I ask, now back to my seat, letting darkness and the hum of the big screen give me the illusion of anonymity, more like some gay sex cinema and we’re about to have anonymous sex. I look to see Alex shrug, but staring at the screen and denying his laughter to the rest of the laughing audience. 

“I know it’s daft, but I really found you good looking. People really started talking about you, y’know the whole stupid rumor about you and Alison. You try hard sometimes at English and you give good analysis when you want to and I guess, I figured since you liked Beatniks maybe you were a bit gay, so it seemed a bit obvious of a choice, once you dissect it.” He speaks slowly, as if choosing each word and allowing his eyes to be shallow enough to reflect the action on screen rather than what’s going from his mouth. Alex turns to see me, uncomfortable with myself, my classmate watches me as I prop my knees against the seat in front, earning a long piercing glare that I show my tongue, before the woman hisses to her ugly laughing companion. Work out your life first, I mutter.

“I’m... actually not... gay or anything.” I continue a bit louder, Alex’s shoulder’s tense up. “I really never thought of it. I was never attracted to any bloke, I was barely attracted to anyone really.”

We continue to talk quietly, just to make the laughter the music to fill our anxiety since the movie is crap. 

“But doesn’t mean, that I would turn you down.” I hug myself. “I mean, I’m single... I could see where it goes. It doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow. But I really, really wouldn’t mind some company, even if we become friends, if that’s ok.”

Alex blinks at my openness, gives a sad smile.

“Well, friends was surely not what I was aiming for at this time now.” He blushes. “But I wouldn’t mind you seeing what you wanted.”

Alex’s smile speaks more than it should. I look back at the screen.

“It’s daft, but I really like you.” He rubs the back of his palm against his arm. “If we’re being honest.”

I turn my head to face him. There is nothing to lose. I just give a small smile.

“Jesus, give me time to know you.” I chew on my words. “I don’t want to know where have I gone in your mind. All I know is that I don’t mind this date.”

Alex seems pleased with my recognition and I grin at his cockiness to myself. A suit does speak something. 

“Blank screens make you think, the illusion of some night will make you open up. I guess that’s why I like cinemas, because you’ll get the illusion, that just like a movie you’ll have a film reel which ends and that the ending credits will go on the right time.” Alex looks back at me and I wonder how much at ease will end up crumbling him at the sight of mere light outside. “There’s love which is supposed to be painful, so it kind of stretches onto every aspect of life. You don’t have to date or anything, sometimes even admiring someone from afar and ending up knowing them in the process is painful enough.”

I smirk.

“Bold words.” I say.

“I already did the bold part.” I just nod at Alex’s words, wondering where does it even go wrong from being attracted or why it never properly ruffled through my mind, instead we continue watching the movie now in silence, as if the only proper motion is never the screen, but glances back and forth. 

“So what happened to you, then?” Alex asks as soon as we head out of the cinema and I wonder if I should’ve gotten him a proper Christmas gift back, figuring that I could do it later and sleeping in the morning, snoozing at all times until I felt the urge to actually go and feeling a bit of excitement in

“Excuse me?”

“You’re really heart broken, if you don’t mind me asking.” And he raises his coat collar and I notice again how much younger he looks than I ever had seemed to be and he’s my age. I just stare back at him, quietly guilty that the months have slipped past me before I could even realize how my attraction to Alison was withering and how seeing her would make the wounds worse, but they would heal, never allowing me to stop feeling numb, making sure that the shutters would be closed to not show light which my migraines weren’t allowing me to see. “If you don’t speak, I’ll think it’s Alison.”

He glances at me, as I take out a cigarette pack.

“I’m taking the piss, mate, honestly.” Alex smiles at me, as he takes an offered cigarette, he keeps his thoughts to himself, but he’s more interested in my disposition more than anything rather than the past he’s not sure he should even be trailing behind if I wouldn’t be interested. 

Flirting becomes uncomfortable or once you realize that the other person has other intentions and it becomes more than unbearable as if I was holding a cube of ice in my mouth, as we had made our way to eat and stood waiting for a table and offering my Christmas gift to pay for both meals, since I wouldn’t manage to make it to any store and hold his eyes closed at the same fucking time. And when he leaves to the restroom that’s when I grab a cube in my mouth, quickly looking around, as if knowing that I would see Mr. Hince dining alone, flicking through his phone and drinking coffee.

He doesn’t pay attention, just like we both wouldn’t and it’s uncomfortable to know about each other’s existence when no one else does. And I keep looking at him, feeling my blood boil again as if I were to expose all my wounds all over again and if lost love makes us feel alive all of a sudden and when Alex comes back, while he keeps choosing from the menu, humming as I keep looking at Alison’s current boyfriend, I wonder that we both ended up on dates with men.

I wonder if it’s love which makes us inspired and anxious enough to think properly, so should we constantly be in sudden affairs our entire life? And how much does anxiety fuck us up or is it just love all along?

And when Jamie leaves I feel even more irritated as he didn’t even notice me, but I recall how Alison would say that you never know him entirely even when he’s looking at you, you’ll never know anything fully and hearing her talk made me realized how well I ended up knowing him, drawing back to Alex’s words minus the love and attraction, he was like a relative I’ve never known personally, maybe someone dead who was always mentioned like a mantra on the table, but I couldn’t wait for him to be gone and I never thought the dead would rise. But they do and that’s when all humanity falls and the living die.


I frankly was awfully anxious today and knackered, also tumblr has been getting on my nerves far too much, regarding all the transphobia so I got triggered and yeah. So I've been pushing myself that I haven't really been writing too much (even if I have a few chapters of nearly everything up my sleeve xD) so yeah:) But I got asked about I Can't Wait and I got excited to catch up on it because I wrote half this chapter back in December, all excited about writing Jack/Alex again (To Miles tears my soul up XD) and in general the way this story is going and yeah, I muse on the ships and where to go with them, but I like where this is going now and of course there's more to come and yeah. So I got motivated to pick it up and in general I've been in weird moods, I feel rather happy when people approach me but I can never believe that people actually enjoy reading this, so it's weird thinking that people read backstories (even if I've been told very often of that) because whenever I write them I always go, eh, whatever, no one is gonna read this one, which is frankly not fucking true, maybe I do it to be more honest. I am honest here and it's easier to be honest thinking that no one hears you (I say big nice phrases when I need to binge, but I'm tired now xD and I already binged the whole evening xD) So when I start thinking of people and it's like, okay, so I get a bit selfish, because I don't filter much out for the blog, I explicitly speak of things. So yeah, I feel alive when I see people interested in me and I'm not going to lie, it sparked me to write this story, to which I was nagging to Callie about, but I'm too poly for my own good. 

I guess it's rather obvious that we've all observed people and kind of dazed off after them, rereading this now reminds me of this guy who I had a crush on who partially served into my obsession with the Beatniks. It's also a pun because Callie always tells me stuff like, dude, you were obsessed with the Beatniks, that's obvious so yeah xD 

Also when I write I don't really think if I'm capturing or not, I just retell what I see in my head and then rereading or Callie discussing the chapter with me makes me go, yeah, I see you're right I did that it matches, like Alex's stumbling from words to words:) 

I always have trouble with people in the cinema, I can't shut up, ever.

I think it's not exactly what I had but some reminiscence when I identified as female and I had my first thoughts about other women (ah, being fluid at the time xD) so I kind of had the... oh, shit, okay xD let's see. I kind of had a bunch of girls on my back, a few very close friends specifically and I wasn't really attracted to them. But here it's a different case:)

I get shy after writing confessions and etc and then I shelf things, but now it's back and kicking >:D (I'm falling asleep, holy fuck xD)

I started writing it from the love being painful line and then edited everything else and wrote up and half of this was supposed to be the next chapter, but ended up chucking it in to have more and the whole binging session (I binged other stories too, don't worry xD) The painful love was far too much musing on my end.

It's always flattering to have people into you or listen, but a bit weird when self-esteem is low, it's like... really, me? xD I saw Alison and Jamie sitting, but I figured that it would be better to have Jamie alone for now and I recalled the few photos of him dining can't even remember when, but alone and that kind of inspired me honestly. 

I think paragraph or metaphors of the day is regarding Jack knowing Jamie and in general I love fanfiction because you juggle the same characters in different situations, so it all becomes very blunt parallels of everything and a bunch of what if scenarios and interesting to write because they are not making a Jack/Jamie ship here, fuck no XD but they're my OTP elsewhere:) 

Either way, I hope you enjoyed it and I love Alex here and etc:3

I hope you enjoyed it

And thank you for your love, all of you

I am so grateful and loved

I love you all back



No comments:

Post a Comment