Thursday, 12 March 2015


Bathe in nothing, bathe in solution, as the streets become hallucinations with faith, as I keep walking blocks down, all cigarettes discarded with each smoke, as I keep walking, watching people go by and I wonder how many would I ever meet again and how is it so that many people know you like a television set while for me I would never know their faces. I pull the coat collar up, feeling more at cold than I should ever be at six degrees. Rolling dice is more terrifying because the wrong things seem to land, as I knock on Miles’ door and there is nothing, besides the reflection of my sleepless night and I knock even louder, before realizing that there is literally no one in the house, as I go down and down the steps, praying not to find anyone unwanted and when I head out, the streets are just as empty, as people seem to have shifted to work, making it as empty as it had been an hour ago. The solution of browsing the newsagent becomes too simplistic that once I head in, I see Miles already waving at me, in a new parka which looks far from flattering. 

People put words in your mouth, when you don’t expect them to speak before you will ever manage the courage to do so. 

“I’m sorry, I heard of Arielle, mate, I’m so sorry.” And he starts the wrong side of the flip coin I would ever even want to address, as he takes my by the hand and my tongue is even more tongue tied, looking down at his arm around mine, as he continues to speak regarding Arielle. I catch his wave.

“Yeah, you... know when you go with one on holiday, if you actually want to marry them in the airport. I didn’t want to.” I state a bit too blantly and Miles just shrugs, sighing and I actually see sorry in his eyes. I feel a bit too angry at myself, as he doesn’t state anything at all, suggesting me to stay over and I feel even more frustrated as every simple thing is repreated from kicking off boots and taking off coats, Miles instantly going towards the kettle, as if I’ve not only seen him do it here but in all parallel versions where I would care. I keep watching him, wondering how much daft is one and which one of us even is it, I feel my knees shake, so I just cross my legs and tap on the mug once it’s given to me with some biscuits. Miles looks at me mourning Arielle more than I ever will. 

“I never loved her. She felt... too much of an image, as if I could sell her...” I pause, pressing my lips. “To myself. Didn’t work.”

I don’t grab his hand or anything like that. 

Miles allows me to smoke a cigarette inside, I light it, as he continues agreeing to mourn for a person who doesn’t even care of the death of a party. 

“We... We all lie to ourselves, far too often, Miles.” I try to understand if he sees anything, he seems a bit concerned and then excuses himself to get sugar and I know I’m in a monologue. I pull my quiff lightly, not enough to dissolve it more than the night stars have. I close my eyes and say far too many things, when I can’t see him. “I’m gay, Miles.”

The pause doesn’t take too long. He puts the mug down, but I turn around and he is not lost in confusion as I thought he would be. 

“Well... I don’t think you should come out, Al, but y’know... whatever works for you.”

“I thought we both would, since we both-”

“Alex we messed a bit in our teenage years, no more. Fuck.” He swears under his breath and I see him look away, as I scratch my barely existent stubble. 

“I thought you were also fucking around, Miles. Just like I did... With other men.” I say abruptly. He shakes his head violently. I widen my eyes, asking him. He shakes his head again. I bite my tongue, holding the list of men he’s been with from Matt’s drunken mouth which he overheard from an angry Eugene or an old one time lover I had. He turns around to open the cupboards and takes more sugar and I see him add even more even if he never drinks two spoons, let alone four he had just added, four brown cubes and I wonder how does even mixed sugar taste now, but he doesn’t drink it. 

I wonder if these are the eyes of a break up, then. I can see him with more women which would be like my previous Arielle, but instead I sigh, blowing on my mug and he doesn’t even turn to face me, the eye of a man who would never accept himself, someone I would be in the mirror if turned under the right light a few days ago, when I would be able to face my coward side. When I break I can’t even look into the mirror and if love were a mirror, neither do I want to see a former lover. We break the people we don’t want. Because they’ve told us too many things we’d never want. It becomes a dialogue none of us want, but a meddling we’ve all done. 

“Miles?” He doesn’t say anything. He’s tense, I just turned into jelly, knowing him in and out. My fear is better than his cowardliness. 

“Miles, I’m not coming out, but neither will I be surrounding myself with plastic beards-”

And I duck to miss the mug with the boiling water, as he holds his face in his hands. 

Face your past.

I don’t tell him that, because we can discard memories we hold, because they are ours to bear. I uncross my legs, wipe the corner of my lip from crumbs of a biscuit I ate, waiting for nothing and I leave, stepping out on the street, hugging myself

Being alone is heavier than being with a lie. But lying in the same ways, sells. 


The story is called mimosa as an ode, I guess, I still get ptsd from flowers due to them being chucked down my throat by relatives which wouldn’t respect my discomfort and force the assigned gender, obviously. And there’s a few flowers which I didn’t mind too much and one of them is mimosa (which is actually called scientifically acacia dealbata, as mimosa is a different one, but I’m going with the childhood name) I have fond memories of walking under it and it’s a bit association for March with me. My second thought was another flower, but I’ll keep the other story for myself, maybe for a spin-off of sorts x), I'll see x)

I just got the urge to write it down, I need to be in bed, actually xD as I was scrolling with Callie on the gryles tag and I started musing on Miles and Alex, how Alex is single now and doesn’t seem to be interested in women and his lyrics are all the same. Unpopular opinion but Vertigo is such a disaster. 

Ok, I wrote that bit yesterday and I'm finishing off the backstory now xD

Basically I kept wondering what if maybe Alex wanted to be out and Miles didn't and frankly, I think everyone is well aware that AM attracts mostly people who aspire to be Arabella and whatnot, so that's a big selling point and (well, I don't like the song Arabella) Knee Socks, Fireside and others are still amazing songs even if at times they're a bit too cringy on the lyrics, but either way, Alex's got a great way with lyrics, so I guess it's natural that Vertigo had that touch, really, I didn't like it musically or lyrically, but that's just me (and Callie nagging of it as well xD). 

Regarding the story I just kept thinking what happened, because just like any fucking romance you always wonder what happened, where are they now and so on. Alex is single and doesn't seem to keen on dating women or anyone for that matter, while Miles hatched himself onto a plastic beard, sorry, she just looks... boring and a cut out for now. I'm not fond of anyone who has nothing else to offer besides girlfriend or boyfriend of said person. 

So it ended up obviously me musing on what the fuck was going on and musing myself, kind of on one's own anger when nothing happens, which had happened to me far too often with people turning me down before anything ever began due to reluctance to start something queer or date a trans person or other reason, rejection sucks and sometimes you just have to be the one to walk away with it. And in general I've been musing on kind of accepting who I am now, as a default, male and gay, really, so I'm dropping fluidity really, because it's well, who I am now and who I will be, so yeah. So it was also a matter of musing on relationships I've had and etc. 

Another big inspiration was, I don't really watch interviews with Alex these days, but I came across a gif set maybe months ago when he states that going on holiday with someone makes you realize whether you want them or not and well, it's true, I dunno... I've been around everywhere with Callie so yeah xD So that also really drove me and I chose that specific moment between them when I think things might've fallen apart. I started scrapping notes or rather first paragraphs on the next chapter, which I think should be last or maybe just a sequel, I'll see. I'm still musing but I started thinking and just wrote it down on my phone next to a lake, thinking of things and mimosa seemed to be the matching story and the character I was thinking in. I really miss writing from Alex's point of view, he's awfully fun to write and I've been itching to finish off the next chapter of To Miles, so I should get around to do that xD I wrote this short story in one go as well, like literally in a few mins before I headed off to bed xD

I think the story conveys more of my feelings or rather angsty analysis of what I think might be going on, because I love them both and I'm dying to know what is actually going on.

I'm not sure regarding Alex's sexuality, I think he's pansexual, but I like making my characters have different sexualities through out different fiction pieces, I tend to usually do Alex pan though.

Also it was me just wanting since I wrote this a bit of yes, fuck yeah, back to writing men, I wanted him to be gay here and I love all my stories, but nothing beats the pleasure of writing about queer men, sorry xD

I watched too much House of Cards and I'm still binging and obsessed with the fact that it's so silent that Frank is queer, when you had that amazing episode when he goes back to the academy and stealing the fooling around line, was my own nod I guess, because it was personally one of my favourite episodes I've seen so far, obviously due to it's queer nature. 

The other men bit, it's me trying not to stick too many characters in, but then, if you're reading this, you know who I stick everywhere, shamelessly. xD But I'll see, it's still milex and I want it like this. I feel like I force myself not to ship everyone with Jamie. Oh well.

I think one of the phrases which I enjoyed was 'Matt's drunken mouth which he overheard from an angry Eugene' also implying an open backstory 8) I love those. I love open backstories or untold things because it's so painfully real.

It was very freeing to write Alex, because we've all got our past we go away from, whether it's relationships or closeted gender or closeted sexualities, it's all there, yeah, it's always love mostly, but either way, the story was empowering to write, really.

I think I'll leave it at that xD I think I'm very explicit of my love endeavors anyway and current attraction to men xD So yeah, I hope you enjoyed it 

Tell me if you did :3 and thank you



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