Thursday, 26 February 2015

We've all been broken. There is something in the polaroids we take of the ones we love. 3

“Piss off.” I had laughed and ended up spilling time that I crawled into bed by morning to wake up way after noon and roll over, recalling time far too much.

Arielle had started hosting parties far too often and Miles would drag me, causing her to ship us which frankly would result in people asking disturbing questions they would ask any gay couple with the fact that we weren’t even one. Miles just brushed them off, bedazzled by his boyfriend and I had grown a new fear of the stereo even if I seemed to have gained control over it, because the girl would sit next to me and seemed odd that we barely spoke, sometimes thinking out loud which record would work, but it was very monotonous and I wondered if polka dot tights today with the dress meant something and I was far from any human contact besides Miles and Alex who had taken me out when Miles had some conference with some employer back at home. 

Being with Alex had been relaxing and odd, as it was weird to feel what other monogamous men felt towards me, indifference and I even forgot besides what with Miles, how it felt like to even be surrounded by someone who you were nowhere close or rather interested in fucking. It felt odd to even roam the same things, I would with Miles and I wondered how long would their thread of dating even go on and I would watch Arielle and I wondered how would I have reacted if I hadn’t known, would I just be as loving as Arielle if Brian hadn’t been a blabbermouth. Blocking Brian everywhere was enough and he never showed up to my house and I wondered how long would it last, how much longer, until he showed up, both of us at the supermarket and he had been with Stefan, who was hogging up the chocolate isle. 

“My blood had drained from my face, I just put my head down and I left.” I had told Alex, as he had listened. “That was all. I didn’t want anything, but at the same time, I just thought that... I still looked better. I had my hair dyed that day-”

“You dye your hair?”

“No, it’s naturally pitch black. Alex, I’ve changed like three brown tones the past month.” I muttered, drinking the pitch black coffee we took as takeaway, walking the streets and popping into random stores which had nothing besides plain flannel and boxers, but it was still fun. 

I still spoke of Brian.

“Maybe I just didn’t understand because we were so different, that if he went back to his exes, he’d go back to me. That disturbs me. How broken can you be and still cause pain to others. I loved him too much to make me shaken even now.” My medication was getting to me. “I had loved him or whatever he had given to me, screaming that I was the only one he could be mono with, but I didn’t mind

I didn’t mind.

It’s sad because they slip out of your fingers. I took a day dose.” I mutter as an explanation. “Makes me think of exes I’ve lost because I didn’t understand them because I’ve got a lot of empathy-”

“Jamie, you broke up with him.”

Suicide is calming because you know you can end anything at any point when it becomes too much. I just keep drinking the coffee, even if it’s far too hot just to throw it out and have my hands back in my pockets, as I think of the right words to scramble out.

“Yeah, but he’s the one who cheated. I don’t think I can be held blamed for breaking up with him, Al.” I tell him and he just shrugs, as we keep walking and I stop in front of the sex store, highly bored with my life and wondering if I’ve reached the point where maybe I need to bring something else in my lone bedroom, since I haven’t been able to even use any of the toys Brian would use on me, frankly just using my hands. “Hey, straight boy, can I head in?”

I smirk at him, knowing that I should’ve chosen Miles for this, as usually we roam more naturally and Miles still takes the dildos and like anyone mutters on someone’s bravery. Alex just shrugs and we head in. I see that he feels a bit uncomfortable and I wonder if he and Miles properly roamed, but then it hasn’t been too long that they’ve settled down on their cheating on Arielle bit. It feels far too spacious and frankly I’m more used to small rooms which have nothing and half of it is frankly really bad porn DVDs, as we even get stared down. I wonder how much Alex looks out of place, I just browse through the shelves and taking some leather corset once we reach the small section of clothing and press it against Alex’s body.

“Looks good, excite Miles and then I’ll end up hearing Miles whine about how much he misses fucking you, when you’re at work.” I smirk, putting it back and Alex just smirks, still a bit uncomfortable and I wonder how vanilla actually is it with Arielle, finding Brian’s collar last night and just chucking it out on the street, wondering if it would cause more ruckus than a condom or a syringe. I walk back to the toys and I grab a paddle.

“I had a boyfriend, back in high school and my dad was nagging that my room was a mess and he started going through things and he found a paddle.” I smirk, recalling the memory and Alex pales a bit, probably recalling what Miles had told him about my life and I quickly sigh, shaking my head, but the wrong memories not stinging too strongly this time. “No, he didn’t do anything, thought it was a Halloween costume, like I said. He threw out the paddle, though.”

I click my tongue, taking the plain black paddle.

“Maybe you want one with Miles, though?” Alex just shakes his head and I smirk, looking at the small things like sex position dices and sex cheques along with some variations of sexual monopoly. I don’t really venture on Alex with sex questions like I would with Miles, but from what I gathered from both, they’re still having a sexual relationship anyway, so something should be working for both of them somehow. But then we never really know what goes on with everyone and even when we know and I think of Brian laying on the bed, smoking, watching me, a bit confused at his own thoughts when we had both drank too much a few hours before, the booze wearing off and the night giving it’s adrenaline of comfort. 

We never know people and what do they do and what attracts them to someone, which attraction gives an accurate receipt of a person? Alex is fucking my best friend, but he’s also with Arielle, whom I can barely even relate to and whenever we talk, I feel like I enter a field of jokes which would be whispered between me and Miles later about straights. So what is there to people that we don’t see?

Or is there nothing to see?

“May, I help you... both?” And a man much taller approaches us with a lock of curly hair and I just remember that I still have the energy to blow dry mine so it doesn’t become a mess and I muse on the guy’s question, as Alex just crosses his arms. I smirk, making wrong connections at questions. I look at Alex and nod at the shop assistant.

“No, no, I’m fine.” He blurts out and I nod. 

“Nah, we’re fine.” I say and the guy nods, leaving us to the other end of the store, to get out more porn mags which frankly are full of images and I have never seen the appeal, being more of the finding porn to jerk off to online type. I walk over to the dildos, taking the biggest and as Alex watches the wall of erected penises, I poke his cheek with it and he just grabs it back to put it on the glass stand. 

“I thought he’d say you and your boyfriend.” Alex mutters smirking at his own realization and quickly glancing at me. 

“Nah, what if we’re just fucking around like you and Miles or something, so... he’s being open to cheating and stuff.” I say that, before I realize how pointy my tongue sounds, but Alex picks up something else. “And you’re far too handsome Al, to be mine.”

He ignores my dead flirting which neither of us are interested in. 

“Actually... we’re not just fucking around.” He mutters shyly and I glance back at the curly bloke for some reason. I nod at him to continue and I see him flush lightly. “We’ve kind of started dating, it’s obviously behind backs now and yeah... you know the whole drill and all.”

“Why the fuck don’t you dump Arielle then?” I really don’t hold back and I take one of the dildos and turn it on to frankly spin sideways and the soundtrack to our talk. And Alex just pretends to either ignore or think on the question and I poke him with the dildo. 

“I don’t... I’m not sure. Miles told me how he came out and how you came out and-” I quickly bother to interrupt him.

“Yeah, but I came out in high school and so did Miles.” I pause. “No, Miles did in University.”

“And no one really took it lightly.” Alex sighs.

“Well, yeah, it wasn’t too good.” I pick up my words. “We both had fucked up situations, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t and you pay your own bills, neither me nor Miles payed them then, so that’s why it was very fucked up, because our parents had the upper hand.”

I shrug. 

“But you don’t have to go around and tell people, hey, I’m gay. It’s more about to yourself and not necessarily about sexuality, I mean, I really can’t speak who you’re attracted to as much as I may be making some daft jokes and assumptions.” I say as he just nods, drifting his vision back to the dildos and takes the dildo to turn it off. “So it’s more about you and Miles. I know I’m standing here judging and I don’t know how much Arielle loves you if she does, but it hurts like a bitch and the sooner you do it, the better and you don’t have to tell her anything about your current personal life. Just quietly end everything. I would’ve preferred if Brian had done that. But that’s me speaking. I’m speaking for Arielle because I couldn’t speak for me.”


I feel as if it's a bit behind on plot and more on musings because that's how I have been recently, frankly. And I guess it's a bit odd and I guess just confirms it how odd it would feel and make everything I guess more naturally and I would myself start liking how everything is going rather than jumping far too fast, frankly. So yeah, I dunno, I get very anxious before I post anything to be very honest, is this story good for today, what else have I got really since the posting/writing are rather separate these days unless I finnish off a chapter and just end up choosing something different than what I'm writing. I wrote some of England's Not Breathing today and a bit of the next chapter of this story, since I opened it and before writing the back story xD 

The piss off follows the other conversation and yeah, I've been quite fast with this story being rather honest about my mental health and using it, writing thoughts and rapid feelings down, really. 

I saw this photo of Valentine with polka dot tights and also a polka dot dress and that really stuck to mind and seemed like a nice image. I feel odd, that I seem to be shipping Jamie with all his exes. But yeah, we're all creepy frankly or are we really?

It's also a bit weird posting this after the whole Miles/Jamie No. 1 Party Anthem chapter where Miles starts thinking a lot on the past, when Jamie is entirely drowning in his break-up really, but I guess we all muse on exes or things which never happened when I was going to say miserable but I think heart broken is a good word or in some odd state of is it happening, is it not. It's really on the downside to be polyamorous at times just like any other state of attraction really xD 

I think the oddest thing is to bump into exes which I haven't done in years really and I think if to choose one was I was dating this guy years and years ago and the first time I saw him months after the break up I was wearing a red dress and black shiny platform shoes. I remember walking away, shaking and thinking how metaphorical I had looked in a red dress. It was a lovely red dress xD 

I think one of the oddest things is when you notice how often Jamie's hair colour changes actually and I love it all to bits :3

I dunno I sometimes hate that it boils down to who broke up with who rather than who fucked up what, really, so I kind of addressed that and frankly this story really speaks my mind out on things or maybe a different perspective so it's like how much explaining should I do? xD 

I had an old friend over and I quite enjoy sex shops frankly so I always walk in and I understand that it's not everyone's drill but I'm not too happy over faces and whatnot, so yeah, kind of wanted the whole 'shit, where am I, this is fucked up' sort of aspect to be touched even if Alex is slowly growing far more tolerant and I dunno it's oddly nice and refreshing to have this story which sheds light on the future of No. 1 Party Anthem even if it's just a few weeks ahead:3 

The sex shop was used as well or the idea because I was getting angry at bad BDSM representation and that it's going under light of shaming due to 50 shades of grey, really, so I kind of shed some light here even if obviously BDSM is the main focus in So you can sink. which is milex as well and I've been writing:) 

The paddle is an actual story I laugh about. I had my dad over when I just moved out. xD So yeah. Funny enough. I miss that paddle, it was a fucking good paddle, it had like this pink material and a pin-up girl on it, it was really nice. Shit, I don't know what happened to the ruler I had. I really need to stock myself up, anyway XD sorry if I won't talk open, think of yourself really because as fucked up as it is we ourselves need to start talking in spaces we find comfortable, I guess like I openly talk about sex in this blog (as if IRL I don't start discussing this loudly for hours making people change seats, although I knew this guy who asked me when I wasn't out if I liked anal for the whole bus to hear, good times, good times). 

I get a kick of avoiding OCs.

I will never get sick of Jamie's snarky comments. I'd be an ass too.

Spoiler for No. 1 Party Anthem then xD

And I guess I like the ending and frankly it speaks for itself.

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did:3



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