Sunday, 1 February 2015

To Miles 50

“Even if we love some people, we’re not ourselves with them.” Jamie’s words haunted me the next day in the canteen, as I looked at Miles. It would get shallow on the longer days, as words would circulate and thoughts were more than vocal on the world’s state and how would even people manage to raise their hands to kill, even if we had pledged that we would do so as well. Talking about deaths and events becomes a narrative, because it’s still a heavier word of mouth and journalism emphasizing what was going on and people highlighting, as if it were some fucked up folklore to scare children, only we were all grown men and hearing these during the day during coffee, as if to digest what should we imagine during the day, resorting to calmer things during the night just to hear the same again in the morning. Countries falling start resembling milk teeth falling out, with the little resistance we can even manage, all of us with the same blood yet we all scatter it, implying some were purer than the rest. Cities falling and people speak much more of how everything is escalating, paranoia fiddling with each sailor’s mind that Hince hisses at any table that implies we might be next and so does he on very patriotic speeches, because we all are the same, we’re all milk teeth to the child that happens to be Germany in our sandbox of life. 

I quickly catch his eye and he looks away, nails digging into his skin as he just sighs, before raising his voice to catch the attention of all sailors and he becomes our radio, stating the plain facts of how many of us had fallen.

“Sailors, as you may have started discussing, Germany has started invading Luxembourg, Belgium...” He starts counting on fingers, to emphasize, I see him pale up, as all of us do and none even bring coffee to their lips. “Netherlands and France. I think all of us understand how high the stakes have risen, that some fucking mess is happening in Europe for no fucking good reason. And we may be next. I want no bullshit of ‘we will be able to do something’, because for now... There are no orders, sailors. No orders from anyone. Neither do we have the faith for what happens, besides what God will give us. We don’t know if we will be capable when countries fall at the flick of a finger. All those who have died, all cities crumbled, will not be forgotten and remember, because if the war expands Hitler won’t hesitate to take our land away as well. I don’t think anyone left would be able to stand as strong, either.”

Jamie pauses, realizing his own fear.

“For now, we watch and pray that while we’re not playing something... stops this monstrosity.” He looks down. “I want no faith in a fight we’re not fighting yet. Patriotism will flourish when our blood is split, save it for when you’re dying, gentlemen.”

And he slammed his mug down, picking up his book and exiting the canteen as slowly the whispers turned into hisses and screams of men expressing their opinion as I still stared at the door, wondering what exactly was stumbling in his mind, that even the plain speeches of patriotism escaped him and if there was something else he were not telling. 

“On the good side, Churchill is now the British Prime Minister-”

“How the fuck is that good news, sir, when countries are dying?”

“I’m just reporting the news, you fucking scumbag.” Brian snapped back, leaving his own mug to head after Jamie, not bothering with the lower ranked crowd. He turned around, coming back, getting a piece of silence for people to listen. He straightened his back, making him just the same small height he was given. “Britain invaded Iceland as well, motives unknown. Morning.”

I feel like the most often thought I’ve had is that I’m a coward for not taking my own life. Too self-obsessed. I feel like all would shatter, all would break and I would be glad if it were so, because then it would’ve matched my state on the inside with the canteen resembling the infidelity of my paranoid thoughts, as I had nothing left but near-to-none arriving letters and all dismantles, because I want it so, because the hate reaches the neck and those who live are too ignorant to die. The world starts taking clashing dystopic colours even if we have breathed on the previous world war from stories, but now it starts flourishing in our veins and every live killed takes a toll on our humanity and understanding. 

Each day with Jamie apart was worse spent, words travelling and I would wonder how come all of a sudden my own murderous actions were less, my own guilt was nothing compared to the hands of men who actually wanted murder not because they had to defend themselves, but because they had believed in the death of others. 

And the whole day it was worse, I had been just as accurate, but my hands were shaking and when Jamie checked on me, just like any other turret he quickly glanced back and I could feel my whole body aching viciously for his touch, as if I had never touched his lips before, so I just held the sights stronger. 

“Captain!” I say, turning around as we both ease from the small contact. I really can’t say I’d bend him over right now, clutching his throat as I fuck him. I glance at my sights fast back. “The sights are scratched and it’s getting hard to aim-”

I’m just a nervous wreck and I want to hear him even call me incompetent for all I care. 

“Why didn’t you ask Chief Petty Officer Kane, Sailor?” He asks, stopping on his way, shivering at the sudden wind. A cold May’s day seems to metaphorical for on an ongoing war we’re refusing to deal with and it seems like we all have a personal history of protecting ourselves from others because it is only our lives, which matter by the end of the day. We fake the sense of brotherhood for reassurance. 

“Sir, because you’re right in front of me, Sir and then the order doesn’t get lost on the way!” And I love checking out your ass. But that stays with me. Jamie sighs, keeping himself in check and closes the turret door again, but manages to catch up on his scenario. 

“Are you questioning Chief Petty Officer Kane, Sailor?” He still raises his voice in the turret and frankly my whole excitement. 

“No, I just really want to fuck you.” I whisper and Jamie gulps, biting his lip, tapping his fingers on his suit pockets. 

“Have fun thinking that all day, Sailor.” And he turns around, as I smirk. And then I hear him yell at another turret, pleased with the outcome, as I just wait for my own excitement to fade lightly so that I can try and aim with the barely scratched sights, but a replacement would be needed anyway soon enough and who knows when the wrong day strikes us. “Kane! Why aren’t you paying attention to maintenance as well? Fucking mop the decks today and the fucking canteen! Maybe then you’ll grow a pair of eyes on your ass, at least!”

All day it gets worse, as I keep thinking of him, as if I could never have enough of him and the more sex we have, the worse it gets, as my desire rises and I even stop caring about the other men on the ship, Jamie contaminating my desire entirely, as I feel like it becomes more of a job, I don’t count the faces and my excuse becomes that they would be safer on land. Everything is even more mechanical with a sailor I had just found out was called Sean and I couldn’t care less, thinking of pinning Jamie down and I hadn’t even realized that my session with Sean was more than over, giving a chaste kiss, already used to the casual encounters. I waiting in my bunk for a while, wondering if Miles’ gaze was something I was imagining but I couldn’t seem to stop thinking about Jamie, so as soon as my watch showed me the right time, I left, even bothering to put the hat on, as if I had some sex duty to fill. 

I knocked on the door quite a few times, before Brian opened up, excusing himself with another officer we had probably picked up on the shore, which was nearly double Brian’s height and they both carried the bed covers with them, as I glanced in, the bed was untouched so I wondered if the table or floor was fitting for a fuck?

I walked in, still frustrated but too anxious to undress in case someone else besides Hince would walk in, so I just sat in his chair, observing every book title I had known and discussed with him. I nearly snap my neck, quickly looking at the opening door. 

“Captain, I’ve got another fucking maintenance problem.” I state as Jamie opens the door and I feel my whole self burning, barely sitting in his chair. Jamie sighs, still eased and happy from seeing me. “I really need you to fuck me, I changed my mind.”

I sit up straight, yanking him by his suit.

“I really need you to fuck me.” None of us can register each other’s emotions or thoughts that Brian and the other officer fucked somewhere. Jamie pulls me to kiss me, taking me and pushing onto the bed, biting my neck harshly, as he strokes my hard erection over my pants, as I moan, not touching him, letting him do anything, trace his tongue down my neck as I expose it, taking off my shirt, pushing my hat away, helping him take off my pants and underwear. I gasp loudly as he sticks two fingers inside me fast, as I grab his head, pressing my cock against his lips. I’m so frustrated that even light pain arouses me from instant contact. “Fucking hell, you really think I’m up for teasing?”

I gasp and Jamie, just undoes his belt and takes himself out.

He grabs me by the chin, I breathe even heavier as I feel his cock hard and hot against my own. 

“Maintenance sailor, where?” He grins, stroking the length of my cock with his index finger.

“In my fucking ass, what the fuck are you even-”

He goes inside me and I open my mouth to scream, feeling already reaching my edge, as Jamie pulls out and I curse, against the palm of his hand, muffling my yell. I bite his hand. 

“I’m dying ok, just fuck me already.” I say as he bites his lip, grinning, watching me.

“Jesus christ, I’ve been the one fucking you last week, is it that hard?” I whine, but I don’t move, playing his game. 

“Plead.” He licks my neck. I whine, my cock aching. I breathe out heavily.

“For fuck’s sake, what do I even say?” I nag, barely breathing as he increases the pressure on my neck and releases. “I’m dying for your cock up my ass, Captain. That good enough, motherfucker?”

“Nah.” I don’t hold and shift him over, positioning his cock near my entrance.

“At least fuck me now.” And I muffle any fucking remark, as he pins me back down, spreading my legs, pinning my hands down and fucking me in and out slowly, as I keep moaning, barely even able to move my tongue against his in ecstasy. He increases his speed, as he himself starts reaching his end, breaking the kiss just to look at me and I see him flushed, the small chain around his neck, his eyes now closed and a long muffled gasp as I myself unravel, grabbing him by the hips and yanking him further inside me as I moan against his cheek, as we both keep thrusting, feeling everything

We collapse, breathing something we had forgotten and our bodies had gained as he finds my lips and holds a kiss, pulling me into a hug, before our tongues meet again, just as eager, reminding of a man’s desire. 

Migraines become metaphors for the unsureness of each day as me and Jamie now smoke in silence, still tense from reality and everything seems like a metaphor of a fucking metaphor. Nothing seems to make sense and now with him divorced it seems even more vulnerable, as people had started musing which woman would Jamie have fallen for, because it was the infidelity of another man that the sailors were interested and would even be a discussion, as people would wonder which woman had he been interested in, but I wondered if the months passed the idea would just fly off. I wondered if it was possible to put someone above besides you, if you could just dismantle the idea that the one who seemed above was on the same fucking step

and I wondered too much, thinking of ranks, falling asleep, silently, as both me and Jamie were getting adjusted to the final fact of being together again with more complications. 

I wish we could exhale the dystopia which now seems to take over the world and sometimes I wonder if I would even be brought back to life by mobilization and I wonder how long will we pretend to ignore the screams we muffle by our own physical distance. We invent our own problems not to go insane with the blood we have never seen and will never see. Jamie reads far more often and I notice that now he’s been avoiding novels which contain war scenes, as he’s been going for different ones. I feel like neither of us will ever be at peace again. 


And I'm listening to "It's a Sin" XD obviously, like Callie said in honor to Captain Hince. I guess I just recall PSB when me and Callie were stuck miserably in Glasgow and we literally would hear PSB everywhere and that kind of sticks out to me as when all is shit, things still go well and frankly Glasgow had the best Gay bar I've ever been to so yeah xD but fuck that xD I just felt like listening to PSB while writing this backstory, since this chapter is awfully bittersweet as I wrote it in a really bad mood and I was sexually frustrated with Callie away so I just wrote it and send it to her to read xD and yeah, it really sucks when someone you love is away even for a day. 

It's been an amazingly long ride and there's more ahead and I tend to stick to either make chapters a bit longer or shorter than the previous so this one is just a bit longer than the previous, so here you go:3 and I was awfully anxious as I had this maybe about a week ready xD and I just kept staring at it, nervous about posting it

Because it's Chapter 50 and 145k of To Miles and there's more to come, sorry, I say more to come because like I even get asks regarding characters and couples and I'm like shit, they show up later in To Miles but now I have to remain silent xD and in general the story takes it's own lead and tells me what happens and I love how it's sketchy at times and doesn't tell everything as I don't think some details like Jamie's poems would be shared by Alex, at least those addressed to him

They've grown to be my favourite couple, Miles is one of my most treasured characters due to his backstory and he's just got a lot of growth and he hasn't told everything and I'm looking forward to his line ahead with Alex and etc and I am happy with him, I am pleased with all the characters which had been in To Miles and will be. 

Karen has got to be one of my most favourite female characters I've written and making her Jamie's best friend here to find them friends in life was ironically funny

To Miles was also a big way for me to learn many things and even wish I were in the navy, frankly, somehow xD and yeah, it's just a great part of my creative life and I've mussed on it so much and given it so much from me and even had plot lines destroyed due to anger and passion, had characters tell that they're worth staying for much longer and wider roles (Julian and Captain Hince). Matt became a wider love interest and as I accepted my polyamory it had been given to Alex and I had given it experiences which I've had.

It's a bit painful writing Alex's feelings for Miles as intended was that I would scrap that odd period with my ex before we started dating again and that's the base for it, so sometimes I feel uneasy because I've never been on and off with anyone else, even if Miles and Alex when they're in a more settled time is easier to write, now it's a bit of a nightmare, but like it should be frankly.

I feel ironic now describing war and even if I don't like to speak a lot on the topic myself, I still frankly shout about it with all my novels now being set in a war world, To Miles included and frankly I had a crisis that I was writing about the USN through out writing it, because we all know how fucked it is. But it also allows me to show from the inside how fucked up it is and the fact that Hince and the sailors cannot do anything is a metaphor for what we are going through and this story becomes much more relevant, because we're all closing our eyes on the world, we queers are still banned, we are getting fished out still and targeted and a story from 1940s makes it more present than anything else.

That's why I love To Miles, because I can still speak.

I can speak.

I always speak through my stories.

I may say it in backstories or not, but my stories are my speech, where I don't filter and say what I think, maybe metaphorically sometimes, but it's my speech and it's me

Patriotism became stained, so it was a tough line to write but even then, back then patriotism saved the world, so yeah. Now it's an entirely different concept, we've lost it and the meaning is now different and closer to the nazism we once fought. 

It's very surreal to write war reports and I guess that remains as it is, considering that Jamie's ship is far from war so yeah, it's rather weird and interesting and when it comes to war events, as usual, it's Callie which helps me out and points it out as soon enough I'll be putting things on. And now it's even more ironic because I can't recall if I spoke of it very openly, but To Miles will be historical fiction, it was planned not to follow everything exactly, so me and Callie sat months and months ago, planning out how it would be in my "would be" scenario and predicting everything as historically accurate as possible, so soon enough we'll be throwing out our history books for To Miles, dears. 

I wanted to use a "sir sandwich" it's when you use sir twice in a sentence and there it was XD and I already spoke of the sexual frustration xD 

Callie was laughing at Miles having to mop the decks, but it was more of a me thinking of Alex and Hince flirting more than anything in this case xD

I needed a character which I could quickly use and dispose and unfortunately Sean from Manic Street Preachers fell under it, sorry, Sean! T__T

AND WE HAVE BRIAN'S SWEETHEART HERE XD I still find it so odd that they're Brian and Jamie are my OTP and they don't have a sexual relation here xD

I think I described the peak of sexual desire as explicit as I could xD I dunno how much more sex positive I can get xD But I try even more, we need more sex XD

I can't really hide that well, obviously people would muse on Jamie's lover and what the fuck had gone on, we all do, so I liked that bit and in general because they're in war, I wanted to depict it and my mood was awful, so that was keeping me from posting, but I've decided to give it and it's quite a harsh novel obviously and will remain so and the epilogue will be harsh as well, with major deaths and all.

I hope you enjoyed it and here's to more and more of To Miles

Please tell me if you enjoyed it and thank you, dears

Happy Chapter 50 of our gay sailors



To Miles 51

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