Saturday, 31 January 2015

We've all been broken. There is something in the polaroids we take of the ones we love. 2

I hate that everything in life becomes a risk, because we hate each other so much that even crawling out of the flat for bread, becomes a task of, will I get yelled at by the cashier? Will my card get refused? What other fucking atrocity of a being will yell at me?

Miles tries to keep calling me whenever Alex is not available and sometimes even Alex drops by and then I surely have to get out of the bed. I feel like just because I do the deadlines, everyone seems to be doing okay. And I quietly drink black coffee with Alex, as I never even dare to ask him, how does it even feel to be cheating on a person who loves you back, that is presuming that Arielle does love him back. He shows up with different pastries which seems to be vegan from what I observe, as I look at the bottom of the box, as he tells me that Miles had warned him. Miles was the one who was fucking and behind deadlines, I was the one who was miserable and precisely not missing deadlines. That’s because I had nothing else, besides many things nagging on the back of my mind.

It starts getting delusional as the nights get worse and I end up fucking calling a helpline and besides them yanking me out, I recall how the guy stated that he had eaten fish and chips to which I replied that I haven’t been to the UK in years and I wondered how tainted had my accept become and how long has it been and flings of some faith in a country which stormed me out makes it even worse, considering that I still find certain things helpful.

Brian isn’t British, but watching British sitcoms without him becomes unbearable, that I just keep closing links, knowing where my deadlines are and when I drink one shot and watch some American sitcoms, I call Miles, just confirming his confusion.

“People actually fuck-



Not like hookup, they just fucking do it... like machines, like that’s it, that’s why it’s so fucked up, they don’t trust each other and neither do you trust whomever you’re fucking. It’s all fucked up.” I wondered how long could a voice message even be. “Like how the fuck can you even have sex without loving?”

Miles responds eventually, as I pick up, dying my nails black from Brian’s leftover polish, at this point all I think is of fish and chips wrapped in a newspaper.

Miles isn’t sensitive either and I don’t ask him about Alex.

“Well, doesn’t Brian cruise?”

“He doesn’t fucking say that he’ll think before putting on a goddamn condom.” I change ears. “I mean, it’s more sexual, at least...come on, think of Weekend or any other fucking gay hookup, Jesus, I’m sure you and Alex weren’t like that. So-”

“Why the fuck do you even care, Hince?”

I look down, my nail got smudged on my mug. 

“I don’t know. Probably scrapping at the past.” I sigh. “I don’t see any blokes around me and even you’re going after some straight guy-”

“As far as I’m aware of both me and Alex are two blokes and that is pretty fucking queer, Jamie. I think our sex is different.” He pauses. “Yeah, they’re fucked, they don’t get raised in families where you’re s’posed to go to Uni and then have an office job and once your parents find out you’re gay or... you leave yourself and you make nothing as a freelancer and then you have to sort your shit out, you really see life differently. You know what to value, because you know what it’s like to have nothing. That’s why we’re scared... of having nothing.” 

“Even nothing in sex, I guess.” He adds, yawning. “It’s quite fucked, but to understand you’ve got to lose and... we’ve lost enough in our lives, Jamie, so calm the fuck down.”

I hear a lighter and muffled voice. I’m guessing it’s a post-coital Alex and insightful Miles, for some reason I’m grateful to Alex as well. 

“You won’t lose anymore, for fuck’s sake you of all...” He inhales. “Deserve anything you damn please, now fucking do your deadline, wanker.”

I laugh. Miles doesn’t change his tone.

“I’m not due until end of next week.”

“Fine, keeping my eye on you, mate.” He sighs. “You can come over if you want-”

“No, I’m fine, honestly.” I sigh. “It’s just odd, I guess-”


“I called the hotline, I’m fine now. Bloke said he ate fish and chips. It’s just odd... y’know being away and all.” I bite my lip. “Anyway, I did go out. I bought myself a sweater, you happy enough?”

I feel anxiety riding up a bit, but Miles smiles sadly, I’m sure, but he doesn’t say anything for a while, as if switching topic himself in his mind.

“We’ll all be fine, Jamie. Call me again, if you need me, darling. Even I’ll fucking make you chips.” I listen to him holding, still and he doesn’t let go.

“But that’s the thing, Miles, the media just tells us that y’know women don’t orgasm during sex, all is mechanic, that no one cares about anyone and queer people don’t exist. Fuck, it was like what back in 50s there were those ads around with a man likes a woman in the kitchen or whatever? Well, now we’re saying that everyone wants a shite man and an even more horrendous woman in bed, that we should all just make sex like 1984, reproduction and oh, no condoms, when the fuck was even the whole no condom trend even starting? Since when the fuck does that make you less of a man? If you can get your partner pregnant-” I pause. I didn’t even notice my uplifted speech and mood, I look down at the phone, as Miles calls out to me. “Sorry, didn’t realize I was babbling.”

I bite my lip.

“Either way, we’re not breathing, no one is, we just get told that all is fine, when frankly we’ve got the same ads, for all genders, they always were, heck, we’ve always been fucked over for being gay, everyone was, just because some get beat up with bats and some get torched, doesn’t mean... Basically we are all fucked. We all hate ourselves and that’s why the media is so fucked in the head. Because there’s nothing to describe, because those who get the pen given don’t understand what to write about

Because by them...” I light my own cigarette, inhaling. “They don’t know anything, they never got told it’s bad so they never knew that there was something ‘wrong’-”

I do inverted comas with my right hand. 

“So they never figured out what the truth was. You don’t blame someone for not knowing. You blame someone for ignorance, so yeah, I’m ticked off that people don’t speak about sex.” I exhale. “And why the fuck is anal a fetish?”

Miles sighs.

“What’s normal to you isn’t normal to some asshole which doesn’t even know what to do with his penis, Jesus. I’m not even sure he looked down to look at it...” Miles pauses, as Alex adds and Miles laughs. “Or he measured it with Red Bull or some other shite. Fuck it, have sex-”

“I’m not having any sex, Miles.” He pauses after my words.

“I dunno, cruise? Wank, jerk off?” Miles suggests. 


I know, I've been hogging up on the 50th chapter of To Miles but the ending is quite well, war is going on there and my stories are already very war in the back, so I wanted something different because some things we can change and some we can. I can change gay representation, I as a gay man can write more and speak more, that is what I do

I was sad because Looking is really short and I wanted to just watch something realistic and I'm failing so I'm sticking to Ikuhara but I watched some shite regarding straight cis girls and that just shook me to the core, allowing this stream of thoughts and allow my thoughts and I guess depressed state to write, so yeah, I was just shocked

Women don't orgasm and this is a thing. Like, what the fuck is wrong with the US? Ok, it's like everything, but when you go down to people, it's even more fucked up. People just don't even sex, they just penetrate and there's no love, there's no connection and the stupidity and everything, it just shook me to the core

Because Callie has always been my sexual partner for many years now and we frankly blink at the average of people which have sex, I'm very sex positive and open, I understand how hard it is to speak up, but it's just so so fucked up. Jesus, now I see why Sex and the City was so revolutionary at the point despite it's homophobia, transphobia and cissexism, it was still better than what we have now. That fucked me up, that really fucked me up thinking and I kept watching to feel how it's like and I made Jamie a freelancer here since that's what I am and I guess I wanted to vent on what was going on with me and my thoughts, I always do that and this story was fitting, so it's a nice long rant and conversation between Jamie and Miles. 

It's set a bit ahead of No. 1 Party Anthem and I like it, because it's much more darker than No. 1 Party Anthem and it's pretty much Start Finding Passion to Blue/Jacket really. In general I don't like Miles' new gf, it's another cut out of Alexa Chung, so yeah, I was musing on Valentine and I guess I do have the whole, wow, she's different kind of vibe, she's pretty much what well they should be really. 

And I guess now, I'm near my bedtime, so I'm just honest and I guess I just never realized how much different it was, I mean I knew, but still. It's so so so fucking fucked up.

So this was written over the past two days and everything else is just depressed and I wanted something more uplifting if you must? xD

I didn't have a great week, far from it and I ended up calling a hotline and what stood out was that the guy calmed me down by asking about food and told me he had fish and chips and it was odd, because I never really had them even living in the UK and being for so long, because I am allergic to fish, but y'know and that was oddly nostalgic and odd, so I had given that to Jamie, my accent becomes more British these days and I always get assumed I'm British since I've spent so much there and lived, so yeah and English being native and all.

So I watched some crap to make myself make this story daily, I watch things to inspire me, often pretty shitty and embarrassing and yeah.

Whenever I'm axnious I get characters to say things I would tell to myself if I could, so Miles calming Jamie down was one of those things, about life, Jesus, not getting laid

Today my whole question was how the fuck do cishet people really reduce sex to nothing? And sex really isn't exciting or telling you how crap it is isn't better, at least it really fucked me up growing up and then I met Callie and er, go on, discovered the joys and whatnot, that's why I make sex an explicit topic because I grew up where parents forbid the school from Sex Ed thinking it would prevent children from having sex when people were fucking without condoms, abortions discussed widely and unprotected sex a big thing.

It's the 2nd time I use 1984 in the past few days, I was editing Poison the Rose from stupidity I've written and I included that, so here it is again xD

Regarding breathing and Jamie's quote is from that odd time where you find Scarfo interview quotes and one of them was that "England's not breathing". I loved it. 

Hmmm Idea.

I've been writing Gramon slowly, so yeah, back to that for me :D or rather back to my bandfic roots I've never written. So I used that quote here and yeah:)

I dunno, I got revolted by how sex is reduced to shaming and something discussing when it's not (I'm also writing post-coital so I'm honest, but I'm just so fucking annoyed at the lack of sex-positivity that yeah). 

I hope you enjoyed this and please please tell me if you did, because I've been really obsessed with this story and binging it xD and yeah:3



No comments:

Post a Comment