Thursday, 22 January 2015

We’ve all been broken. There is something in the polaroids we take of the ones we love. (No. 1 Party Anthem spin-off)

The question is, when you strike a depressive mode, how come a social setting is supposed to even make you feel better, yet I go along with Miles, feeling weeks nest on top of me, reminding me how much had passed and how Brian had left with Stefan, with a wave, as I would see his newly acquired Swedish boyfriend even ask himself why was Brian leaving me. It was odd to see someone sorry for their new boyfriend’s mistake even if Stefan was just as guilty. If you honor me so much, how come you had done everything as well? Miles mops around with me, before Alex approaches us with his newly crafted quiff and I know that my bed hair clashes with everyone’s appearance here. I wait for the unspoken smoking ban to be over and I see no point in the music, which has no appeal and neither do I feel like publicly browsing on my phone anyway, sometimes I even get shy to do it on the tube.

I see Arielle approach all three of us and I pray that I didn’t look as clueless with Stefan, as she does and once I actually start feeling awfully bad for her, she vanishes, before I can even speak and before I even can, what should I say? I’m sorry for us to be so stupid when it comes to being in love?

But then was she even in love? She barely spends the evening with Alex, as I manage to wait until the DJ gets high and I gingerly go through Alex’s and Arielle’s music collection before I feel the cigarette smoke ban lift off and I turn to see a much younger than the surroundings girl. She focuses her eyes on me for a while, before taking the discarded record pile, as if to make sure that I hadn’t missed anything, so we keep our silence and I watch her tussled light brown hair lie on her shoulders, playing with an innocence look, as if ironically highlighting her age, yet in baggier, vintage clothes, radiating of some allure.  She felt like everything a teenage woman would aspire to be, but the others got tangled in the way of being some desperate Alexa Chung. I continue flicking through the newly bought records, now, feeling myself interested in the much younger girl besides me.

I can’t tell her to piss of because frankly the room is already crowded and it only makes sense that she sits next to me, observing and smoking, watching me and I always wonder what I make people think. Misery makes sure you’re still alone and I figure that I didn’t even notice the records I had put aside, as she chooses one and looks at me, interested if I would say anything. Instead, I just excuse myself, standing up and recalling Miles’ story how he had seen Alex with the fridge and I grab a beer, as if I had been here before and soon enough Miles comes back to me, patting my shoulder and taking a sip from my beer, before finding his unopened one.

“And when can I pretend that I am not your tag along and I can leave?” I mutter at him, quiet enough, as I watch Arielle pass by and Miles smirks, holding a pause, perhaps to say some pun, but instead he just shrugs his shoulders and I wonder how can you even sleep with someone who is dating someone else and I wince, recalling Brian and I just take a harsher gulp of the bad beer. 

“C’mon, people are going to start leaving soon and so will we.” My friend moans, trying not to plead too much as he seems to be getting impatient with the party himself.

“I’m not in this fucking triad, Miles. Neither am I fucking the taken bloke and... I beg your pardon, straight.” I add, snarky and Miles just avoids me, looking over the crowded corridor, maybe looking forward to seeing Alex, but I just start tearing off the beer label, counting the hours to make sure my medication doesn’t mix with alcohol. Maybe some should be called lost lovers after all.

“Yeah, well, neither is he.” He adds, swiftly. I shake my hand in front of his face, holding a laugh.

“Last time, Alex told me, no, ‘m straight.” 

“Yeah, well, at this rate you might just get a girlfriend then too, since we’re blurring lines of sexuality here, Hince.”

“Last time I had a girlfriend was when my mother set me up at age 5 with a neighbor, probably wanting to have pure bred children from Andover or whatever.” I smirk, Miles quickly glancing at me, as we quickly share laughter. I take another gulp. “It didn’t even work behind my back and platonically, Kane. Tough luck.”

Miles makes a shocked, open mouth expression, as we both seem to be tied, uncomfortably with the newly made straight and cis couple making out in the corridor either earning whistles or shoves from any passerby, as we hog the tiny kitchen. 

“Speaking of, Hince, ain’t that the girl you talked to? Or is she your long lost sister?” Miles lowers his voice, as the girl with the records slowly approaches us and I look at her high heels, as her tights most likely touched something causing a rip. My friend leans closer to me. “How fucking old is she, Jamie? Is this like a trend, you become straight and go for younger women? D’you ever read Nabokov?”

Before I can even go on the plot of Lolita, she grabs a beer, avoiding either of us, before looking around and going towards Arielle’s direction which had started jumping and waving from the living room. I bite my lip, holding laughter.

“I think that’s where my attraction to women went, Kane.” I wave at the girl’s back, just to tick off Miles. 

“Fuck off. I need more straight friends, traitor. Maybe then you’d explain Turner to me.” Miles mutters, stretching, both of us getting far too bored from our own behavior. 

“I can just explain in your mindset, you’re fucking up.” I state and I leave him in the kitchen for no good reason, back into the living room, walking past the girl and back to the record player because at least there I can space out with no one reminding me that I should be talking. 

It’s odd how in one day, one moment everything can change for the better or worst and it makes it even hard to get out of the bed or even make it through the night and it’s not even luck which makes it running, it feels more and more like a void only which happens to be a pop-out book I seem to be going through, irritated at my own self that nothing can be done until the snap of the fingers happens again and it stops snowing. Love has nothing to do with it sometimes, it’s just the fact that nothing goes well no matter what the hands touch and you get reminded in every essence that you don’t matter to the world.


I've been in an awful state and mood and situation. I'm really tired and I'm in that state where you just look at the world and ask what the fuck, because I've always tried to make it a better place, but I guess when you fight for everyone's rights yours don't end up mattering.

Either way, I still will keep this blog up because it's where I know I care to the end and well, I hope I do change lives. 

I speak here and I've discovered my sexuality and gender through my writing. I guess I still wonder on my sexuality, because I'm still attracted to women but I think it happens when I'm agender and I've been trying different labels and everything, because I'm male and fluid, but my sexuality is just as ambiguous and I guess one of the things I've been musing and touching subjects on is when you're gay and you fall with frankly someone who is not the same gender. This story is pretty much like no other. Because well, our sexualities even if we take labels can be much more ambiguous by the end of the day. 

Oh and apparently by assessment I do have bipolar, so I'll be addressing it as well.

And I've been sad about many things and Ultraviolence by Lana which has been the only record I've been listening now, makes me sad, because she's literally THE woman in rock to me right now. I get sad about many things. 

Either way, this story was because I was thinking of Jamie's character in No. 1 Party Anthem and his backstory, I was thinking to take Alison as his love interest, but I can't recall why but I got intrigued by numerous photoshoots of him and Valentine Fillol-Cordier when they had dated and he had taken the most beautiful photos I have ever seen of her. They kind of reminded me of the part of I Hate The Way You Love when he and Alison were dating. I don't know how wrong is it to claim people's sexuality as your own, so he fascinates me because he's had relationship with women while in the 90s there's much more different said and well, that's when I have to keep my mouth shut for some respect. But if I ever speak of something it's because it's accessible by old interviews, frankly.

So, I guess he is comforting to me in a way and now, when frankly people in my situation break, I just want to go under the covers and I pray for all to be well and I'm called brave for that. Ok, fine.

I had this odd moment when I was in the train bathroom and I looked at myself in the mirror and it never dawned on me how I still make sure to maintain my image even if I'm breaking. My foundation was on, lipstick and eyeshadow because I feel dysphoric without them. It's weird to realize that even if you're breaking inside, you're holding. I guess that's what I want to address, I'll give Jamie some social issues later, just like I've touched things in GI and Blue/Jacket. Don't worry, I always speak out, I just need a while to think and decide, as I write something else.

Basically Jamie's backstory of his relationship with Valentine which I've been itching to write, but err the next chapter of No. 1 Party Anthem is focused on something else xD (is sex too obvious? xD) and it's quite a while, since the story is rather long or will end up rather long, I got impatient and started writing this. I dunno, I just got intrigued in how beautiful his photos of Valentine where which comes for the title and I chucked the last bit of the first paragraph of the second chapter for the story, so here it is. And Valentine is gorgeous with him, so I quite side eye all the Alex/Miles beards, I mean, girlfriends and I guess Getting Down being an angry song about his break-up with Valentine really spoke a lot to me because I'm an angry ex, I guess xD so yeah, Jamie really fascinates me and I guess is there when I need him, his music and interviews and everything. 

I wanted to make it an echo of the first chapter of No. 1 Party Anthem naturally and both of them deal with breaking I guess the barriers of labels, really. So they both really fill up each other, maybe something similar to Blue/Jacket and Start Finding Passion, but I think more like Used Lighter and Bar Eyes frankly. Also, this is set a bit in the future of No. 1 Party Anthem, like perhaps a few weeks or so? 

I find it hard to go outside after I have unpleasant encounters with people, yet I get told to go outside and it helps, but it's still a dunking yourself in a cold pool when you can't swim sort of thing. 

Also No. 1 Party Anthem followed my analysis of cheating, so here it is, really, a proper parallel since Miles is the lover and usually I show lovers rather than people cheated upon besides Alex in Snap Out of It and Jamie here. I really like chewing topics profoundly. 

I frankly just find Valentine attractive during that period and I dunno, I've seen too many shoots which reminded me of Alison's style now and recently, so that influenced me but I'll keep silent. I dunno, watching their photos was rather intimidate and that Jamie had used a few Valentine (maybe just one, can't recall one or two) in Echo Home his exhibition, but there's plenty on The Kills website. 

Er, I think it's a tongue-in-cheek joke regarding Jamie and his partner's age different, it was like 10 with Alison and like 15 with Valentine? I really can't recall. Something like that. 

I'm bitter when it comes to cheating and I didn't spare Jamie that, but I can't really speak for the non-fictional him. I can only do my head canons and whatnot or interview evidence. Either way, we're all into someone we admire, because it gets hard to know there is no one like you at times and I guess taking Jamie and Valentine here I just wanted to show that sexuality isn't something unacceptable, we fall in love with who we do and yeah, we'll go yeah, I wouldn't bang them, but we're banging each other by the end of the day and that's what I always speak of, my love to Callie

and as usual, this is dedicated to her, because she's lovely and I was just as baffled when I met her.

Thank you, please drop a note if you liked it, as I'm having a rough time and I'm trying to keep a blog pace somehow.

Thank you



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