Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Thicker Than Blood

It feels like all of disaster would explode and I wonder in more precise terms when it comes to the number of luggage and how much would the world expand. My lips had been shut, being rather delicate and discreet regarding my own personal life, but sometimes fear takes over and who knows maybe I would end up making a whole fucking madhouse if I were to show up with my husband, both of us already wearing matching rings and explaining everything truth be told, as my hands shake and Jack asks me again, kicking off his slippers, nagging about the heating under his breath, if it were a good idea to even bring him along.

Neither of us came from the best of places even if his parents had managed to swallow it lightly, it was from my own and neither did he actually want to see all the drama resolve in all colours and it had been long since I had seen either of them, the big family to remind of one’s insignificance and being the older child had made it worse, I wasn’t even supposed to statistically be gay and family seems to be some disgusting blood goo, as everyone would nag how come I was still living with Jack. Jack would just continue eating his cereal, rolling his eyes at the phone call, getting ready for the day.

“I’m going. Fuck them. I don’t think you’ll stand being there alone at her third pregnancy in a row.” He says, taking my finished bowl as I just looked up at him, his hair still newly trimmed and I wonder how long had it even taken him to get me the fuck out of bed, that his hair is already in place. “People wait for children for years regardless adoption or not and she just fucking gets everything given by God on a silver platter. Fuck logic.”

I just sigh, nodding, all relatives just excited of the prospect that more children which cary biology on their backs will be produced it’s not even the fact that it’s a child, but it becomes a selfish belief that we should continue going forwards and forwards with our own blood, some sort of sick belief just like previously, hell, even now there is the cult that kings and queens should be blue blooded, well now it comes to each family with fortune or not. It won’t be anywhere better, it will just continue escalating with her square eyes declaring that breast feeding gives you contraception and making all the family try and walk on water just because her own stupidity gives life. That’s it, giving heirs makes everything forgiven and my sexuality won’t be anywhere close to anything anyone can forgive.

The stupid are forgiven easily because they had no choice, while the rest are never forgiven, just frowned upon. We both dress up and I don’t even have the mood to drive, as I hand the keys to Jack and I recall her silence as she had seen the apartment we had bought, stating nothing yet stating how she had never expected anything to come of me to relatives, that she had thought that I would never succeed, yet I had. She had aged greatly, numbers jumping far harshly in front of her and the paint I had drawn my own sister with was just as thick and cumbersome as her actions were. I buttoned my coat as if the ride would even be long, as Jack would watch me, keeping his silence until I would find the words to speak. 

“Thanks. I guess it should be time to come out, either way. Enough of this circus.” I had started unbuttoning, seeing the traffic stacker up in front of us, snow starting to build the same patterns you would see on the sale Christmas sweaters. 

“Whatever you decide, really.” Jack paused. “If you think I shouldn-”

“No, no, come.” I rub my eye. “There’s nothing else to speak of and it’ll give me a reality check, if they won’t judge her third child and running around doing everything for her husband, yet they’ll judge my sexuality, I frankly want to see that from their mouths.” 

I breathe against the window and Jack nearly misses the green light, flying ahead, as I just start tracing patterns on the window and once we are still again, he just places his hand on my shoulder, as I kiss his fingers with haste before watching all the city get devoured with the spirit of all the shattered holidays which should emerge and it feels like an old rotten tape with all disaster. It gets worse, when all is dissolved and we’re stuck with the lights which no longer hold significance as we had seen the end of the year already. 

“She’ll be the one judging anyway.” I pause. “I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself-”

“You’re not, Alison will be the one judging you anyway, as usual.” I just nod to his words, feeling more shivers draw patterns on the insides of my skin, as Jack turns on the volume higher from some album he had decided to download last minute last night, since he figured we should at least try and see what else was new and released. “She never liked me, much.”

“Because you’re keeping me from ignoring my wife, babe.” I smirk, Jack snorting at the babe bit as well. 

“I love being the gay lover on the side, then.”

“You always were. Remember being bisexual is okay, the guy on the side, is good, right, as long as there’s some cis wife you get pregnant?” I try to hold my dark laughter, recalling all I had grown up with. 

“I honestly forgot about that bullshit.”

“Don’t worry, she’ll remind you all of it.” 

“Dad and mum, they’re both sleeping over at hers, just because her hubby can’t be assed with cooking or cleaning or anything and all I hear is...” I dramatically raise my hands. “Jamie, you’d be the same worthless husband if you had a wife, just you and Jack have no one to push around!”

“Oh, we need a cleaning lady, then?” Jack starts laughing. “Did I not clean up the place?”

“You spilt crumbs on the plate, dumbass.” I smirk through teeth, feeling guilty at thinking of her enormous belly and her gray faced husband, as I breath more on the window as if I could fog reality and if I didn’t I would see Alison. “It’s ridiculous, she’s doing natural again!”

“Didn’t her vagina get cut up last time... was it nine or six o’clock where they do the cuts?”

“Can’t even fucking remember. Spent more time at the hospital than she would’ve with C-section. I’m surprised she isn’t giving birth in a fucking tub.” I pause, fury mixing with regret that I’m supposed to feel bad for her, even saying all of this aloud as a joke. “Wanted to eat her goddamn placenta. She’s breast feeding the second... STILL.”

“Isn’t he like two?”


“Can she breastfeed me too?” Jack gags, rethinking what he just said, taking his tongue out. “Ew, don’t want anywhere near her.”

“You think her children want to?” I moan, as Jack puts his hand on my chest and squeezes my nipple. I slap his hand off.

“Can I get yours?”

“Fuck off!” I laugh. “Lemme get to work properly, not post-coital.”


A lot of things make me angry and well, cause me to write frantically and I've always been against how easy it is for couples to conceive if they are cis and het, when a bunch of couples which can't reproduce and are more loving won't get anything. I think one of the themes I hadn't actually thrashed yet entirely would be family bonds and I was thinking of that as I was either writing or updating To Miles, but yeah, I should be thrashing it more since families leave deep scars at times, I mean look at the horrendous death and suicide stats and frankly if you're LGBT the hate you'll ever see first is usually from home and you're forced to sit through, silently.

But I guess this story is also that classic sketch which was going around tumblr for years about adoption with the cis gay couple unable and the cis het couple which was abusing the children getting a yes, frankly. So yeah, it's odd that I don't speak as often of problematic issues as family as I should, when I do discuss it heavily with people. So point is, I dunno how being queer is not ok and frankly other things are ok, but then families can be complex as fuck. 

I also don't understand and despite the cult of biological children and I don't think I've ever compared it explicitly to anything as I did now, so that was a first, that's why I'm excited and a bit weirded out because I tend to still have love on the main platform while in this case, I'll actually be pushing back Jamie/Jack for second to focus on how fucked up family is. I've also been really depressed on the lack of gay couples, since queer men are behind queer women on television for the past few years and we've yet to see transmen representation on telly. So I guess being one, of course I write more and I hate that I have to feel guilty for not writing about women as much as "I should" y'know, because you've got so many sides, you've got the internet speaking, you've got the media and etc.

I wondered for a while who to choose, but I wanted Jack/Jamie since they seem to be the couple I prefer at the time being so here they are xD

I kind of got scared, but yeah, here it is, it's quite… based on personal anger and frustration frankly. I'm not going to go and say yeah that and that ticked me off about y'know people I know, because it's obvious. I draw experiences from my life, so of course the feelings of Jamie in this case is something I got frustrated over as well.

Alison was chosen for ignorance, as usual.

On Christmas me and Callie watched this movie, I think it was called the Family Stone where they had a gay couple as a secondary couple and they had this scene where the main character played by Sarah Jessica Parker (of course, who else would bash queers, right? Sex and the City wave, of course) states that no parent would want a gay child and it escalates and it ended with the parents kicking her out of the table for ignorance and then the parents calming down and taking a stance for the gay child. It actually made me cry. Because well, I don't really come from places where that would be done, of course, so I got sad. I guess ever since I wondered if I should do a gay family thing.

It still puzzles me why being bisexual was seeming as ok and gay wasn't when I grew up, so I addressed that and well, near quotes which I'm sure I've used in earlier stories.

Neither do I get the cult of if you're a cis het woman your husband should do nothing, it revolts me and disgusts me. 

Um, I guess I obviously base off relationships which are established off mine and Callie, so I'm sorry if they're… similar or too sexual, ahaha, ok, I'll shut up XD I speak of sex too much xD

I hope you enjoyed it and tell me if you did:3 comment below please?:3



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