They say the dawn breaks, that in the night it just shatters, giving the whole city a purple glow, but you can only see it whilst you’re asleep, when all is shut and all the street has that one brief moment when all is shut down. With the sudden fear, all go to sleep earlier, life gaining some routine neither of us want anymore.
Days go by and supposedly the dawn keeps breaking more, the sewers are supposedly filled even more with water and the roses no longer wither on Jamie’s empty desk, as everyone just walks past it and the attention is always drifted to the dead, especially that Jamie’s body was just found, no traces of anything which could be lead to death, his body just floating, eyes fully open when he was yanked out, people yelling, sirens seeming to weep as well from every corner.
People don’t mourn the alive and it was as if people had buried me with him, no longer finding science partners or people to get cigarettes from.
They say the sky breaks in purple lightning, making the whole city collapse and supposedly Jamie was the last to see it, under water, supposedly all the air was yanked out in bubbles and pierced with the fake reality of the dawn, pulling me deeper into the water depth of the dead.
It gets worse with each night and everyone seems to try and embrace a disaster of the storm, because when a storm rises with it’s clouds they never seem to descend. And that’s how the city acts, making all schools continue, the clicking of heels happen and nothing else to thread us with besides news of blackouts and disasters. The world becomes a dystopia because if we are killed by God with diseases and misfortune, then are we really wanted? Are we wanted if we are plain animals which bully each other year after year after year, using all methods from physical to emotional just to shatter as if one death would change a population, would cease the thirst which runs down the veins to live
for we have learnt to kill and savor the blood
and killing other’s blood is inhumane
yet what we do seems to be accepted on paper.
Death just becomes an image to shatter and soon enough the roses will wither as his memory within us. It’s nothing to care from my side, as I wouldn’t talk as much and I would watch him study day after day and he had told some people to fuck off that I had chosen heels to wear and that was flattering when I had no idea whatever the fuck I had even wanted, whatever the fuck I wanted to do and his eyes seemed warm.
It’s a love never found or won, the one which makes you wonder what lengths you would’ve gone to know the person, to know their habits precise, to choose which tea to drink together. It seemed lonelier and duller and I had worn the heels he had told me I looked good in, after getting mocked on.
That day I had walked around, checking out the shoes looking at the smaller heels he would go for and when I had seen him at night, make-up, only much more subtler and we had just nodded at each other, in a maybe you are queer after all way. That was all it had been. Smoking becomes impossible with an umbrella under the rain. His life becomes a heavier and duller illusion.
Sexuality and gender are much more complex with people to push it in all directions, as I keep going through the same stores, through the same windows yelling sales and slowly opening it’s way to unisex stores where I wouldn’t be bothered trying on a dress and a suit afterwards, looking at myself in the mirror and reminding myself of the reflection which seems not to only not reflect what I could be but what I sometimes don’t want to be,
myself.
There are some people you would never confess your feelings to if they came back.
Loneliness trails on many ways as I stumble, making sure to walk backwards when I see Stefan, a bloke I used to date from an older school, when my sexuality seemed to more than peek out, gender still tucked in confusion as it is now, as I see him with his newly claimed boyfriend and I peak from behind the corner watching his bright bleached hair contrast the storm and wind going through his clothes, as his arms are linked with his Spanish boyfriend. Notice people when they’re gone, because you’re all alone now.
For loneliness sprinkles feelings onto people we’ve lost, because the lovers were lost prior and in a much more painful way. Just like the second cut, it will ache more.
Confused loneliness breaks at the stem painlessly, just the picture of being detached is the haunted realization and later stroked memory.
Places are bigger when they are memories, I wonder as I scramble back, back from the stores, towards home, smoking the cigarette but it’s enough meetings for today and when I get back home, I feel even more sultry and destroyed, laying on the bed to catch the glow in the dark stars, wondering how far back would life even manage to stretch if I even were to theoretically wish to have some dream, one dream, even if I were to forget it, but just to live it through, because at the time I would and after that, I can wake again and it’ll be my roll of the dice what to do, for my soul has aged.
-
It went under the working title and file as "magical girl Brisha" as I had actually started this in hopes of doing a magical girl genre thing only with Brian obviously, as I had been heavily and still am into Sailor Moon (Crystal is shit though xD) it was a very fun idea which kept going on in my head and me and Callie would speak of it, laughing, whenever I doubt my writing abilities (low-self esteem reminds me of that every day) she tells me that I came up with this story, which frankly until today I had no proper idea how to do. I had started writing it and proceeded and even have some of chapter 2 written xD
And yeah, there's the title which I had chosen and is frankly a cumbersome created thing from a bunch of ideas I started discussing aloud with Callie, so there. I can't say I enjoy it but it has everything I wanted in it, so I'll live in it xD
We got a storm up north so the weather was dreadful today and that prompted me to continue along with my melancholic heartbroken mood. Or whatever. I dunno, I feel odd in a stance where I don't know if I should whine about it or try to forget until something happens, unfortunately. Anyway, this gives enough fuel as you can see to write.
I had actually forgotten that I killed Jamie off and I was scared that what if echoed too much with Poison The Rose then or with Jamie I would end up repeating other plots, so I picked up that they actually didn't date and took much more plot in my hands. I actually when I was growing up I had a hard time because I was bullied heavily and I wished I were a bloke and what had helped me a lot was playing pretend with the people who were friends with me and I would always play their boyfriends, it was the fact that I could play a man which I enjoyed and I never played female, it seemed very boring and now sometimes I look and that's why I have trouble with female characters, I feel like I have no idea how to make them interesting because unless I'm female they are out of my reach.
And anyway, I was awfully depressed that frankly no bloke paid attention to me because I wasn't girly or anything. I had my hair cut short and I only had girls as friends, besides these two guys one of them which ended up being my boyfriend later on, but he barely did anything and we didn't talk as much then. Anyway, so I was really sad and I would go to sleep and I didn't write that much then, I would have all the stories play out in my head or I would act them with friends or dolls. And I just felt very unloved so I went to bed, asking to have some love adventure in a dream, I didn't even care if I had to forget it, I just wanted it to happen. So that's where the story plot comes from and I missed writing surreal stories like Axe For Cork Extraction, so here it is:3 the new Axe for Cork haha xD I'm actually sad that I didn't boost up the tension between Jack and Jamie, oh well xD
I've been writing on this more complex, rhythm tone and I kept it after writing some poetry last night due to being sad, really.
I've been musing much more on sexuality and gender and I guess I'll go with the head canon that Brian is androgynous/fluid for this story, so yeah, it gives me space to think of it as well. I don't know how women push my sexuality and my gender, but I guess my fluidity is just easier than for others. I dunno, I feel dysphoric knowing that I am female at times, but y'know being male with Callie and in life holds me in the places I want to be, really.
I think I'm awfully clear about my messages and thoughts, just taking out the concrete unshaped thought.
I hope you had enjoyed it and if you did, please drop a wee comment below, I'd love to hear if you did:3 honestly!
Thank you
<3
Jamie
Places are bigger when they are memories, I wonder as I scramble back, back from the stores, towards home, smoking the cigarette but it’s enough meetings for today and when I get back home, I feel even more sultry and destroyed, laying on the bed to catch the glow in the dark stars, wondering how far back would life even manage to stretch if I even were to theoretically wish to have some dream, one dream, even if I were to forget it, but just to live it through, because at the time I would and after that, I can wake again and it’ll be my roll of the dice what to do, for my soul has aged.
-
It went under the working title and file as "magical girl Brisha" as I had actually started this in hopes of doing a magical girl genre thing only with Brian obviously, as I had been heavily and still am into Sailor Moon (Crystal is shit though xD) it was a very fun idea which kept going on in my head and me and Callie would speak of it, laughing, whenever I doubt my writing abilities (low-self esteem reminds me of that every day) she tells me that I came up with this story, which frankly until today I had no proper idea how to do. I had started writing it and proceeded and even have some of chapter 2 written xD
And yeah, there's the title which I had chosen and is frankly a cumbersome created thing from a bunch of ideas I started discussing aloud with Callie, so there. I can't say I enjoy it but it has everything I wanted in it, so I'll live in it xD
We got a storm up north so the weather was dreadful today and that prompted me to continue along with my melancholic heartbroken mood. Or whatever. I dunno, I feel odd in a stance where I don't know if I should whine about it or try to forget until something happens, unfortunately. Anyway, this gives enough fuel as you can see to write.
I had actually forgotten that I killed Jamie off and I was scared that what if echoed too much with Poison The Rose then or with Jamie I would end up repeating other plots, so I picked up that they actually didn't date and took much more plot in my hands. I actually when I was growing up I had a hard time because I was bullied heavily and I wished I were a bloke and what had helped me a lot was playing pretend with the people who were friends with me and I would always play their boyfriends, it was the fact that I could play a man which I enjoyed and I never played female, it seemed very boring and now sometimes I look and that's why I have trouble with female characters, I feel like I have no idea how to make them interesting because unless I'm female they are out of my reach.
And anyway, I was awfully depressed that frankly no bloke paid attention to me because I wasn't girly or anything. I had my hair cut short and I only had girls as friends, besides these two guys one of them which ended up being my boyfriend later on, but he barely did anything and we didn't talk as much then. Anyway, so I was really sad and I would go to sleep and I didn't write that much then, I would have all the stories play out in my head or I would act them with friends or dolls. And I just felt very unloved so I went to bed, asking to have some love adventure in a dream, I didn't even care if I had to forget it, I just wanted it to happen. So that's where the story plot comes from and I missed writing surreal stories like Axe For Cork Extraction, so here it is:3 the new Axe for Cork haha xD I'm actually sad that I didn't boost up the tension between Jack and Jamie, oh well xD
I've been writing on this more complex, rhythm tone and I kept it after writing some poetry last night due to being sad, really.
I've been musing much more on sexuality and gender and I guess I'll go with the head canon that Brian is androgynous/fluid for this story, so yeah, it gives me space to think of it as well. I don't know how women push my sexuality and my gender, but I guess my fluidity is just easier than for others. I dunno, I feel dysphoric knowing that I am female at times, but y'know being male with Callie and in life holds me in the places I want to be, really.
I think I'm awfully clear about my messages and thoughts, just taking out the concrete unshaped thought.
I hope you had enjoyed it and if you did, please drop a wee comment below, I'd love to hear if you did:3 honestly!
Thank you
<3
Jamie
No comments:
Post a Comment