Saturday, 10 January 2015

Extend 2

I didn’t know what to expect besides bliss and it felt like it, it felt exactly what I saw behind my eyelids, gold, as I kissed Jack, pulling him closer, getting hard again, but I could see him exhausted, smiling at me, kissing my temple and licking my lower lip. 

“Could you bring me some water?” He says. “The kitchen is the door after the next, just use tap water.”

And he pulls the covers around himself, making himself into a cocoon as I slip away into his apartment, wondering who his parents are or rather what local business they own or work in or if they ride either the train or a hour long drive on the bus into Glasgow. Mine work in a local store, but sometimes write both for the news, a trashed talent and desire to publish a book they’ve never written. They’ve been divorced once when I was young and due to the lack of understanding they came back together, if my sexuality could’ve been chosen I would never be with a person who would never tell me how bad I am in bed or that they cannot reach pleasure from fucking a few minutes. 

I don’t understand heterosexuality. 

“Hey, man, could you bring my wheelchair as well. I’m... exhausted.” And Jack laughs lightly. 

I don’t think anyone is straight anyway, no one enjoys it as well. 

I get him tap water, letting the water go out, not believing that I had just been fucked and I’m still as horny as I was, that’s the thing and I push the wheelchair back to him, as he gets out of the covers and I can see his chest, his nipples and how he gulps the water down and I see his eyes open again. 

I sit on the edge of the bed, as I see him feel a bit uncomfortable. 

“I’m polyamorous. I’ve...” He stops. “I’ve got a boyfriend. He’s poly too, well, he goes around fucking literally everyone and he’s bi too, so he goes on saying how women and men are like choosing cherries to apples, both are great.”

He puts a hand on his mouth, tugging his lips down, looking at the bed sheets, then to the wheelchair. 

“I just don’t like fucking around, well, of course, I like fucking, but, basically, I want another relationship. I don’t like just fucking and then moving onto another person. I know you can love many people at once. Well, that’s just how it works for me.” He clears his throat and looks down, at his wheelchair, straightens up. “It’s just that not all people go for me.” 

“Y’know.” And he sighs and I see that well, you don’t just bring up a topic about being disabled, so I leave it at such and I sit besides him, not saying anything. But then, maybe do I want to fuck around, I feel too aroused and I’m in too much of a daze and I might’ve drank too much beer and I just glance at him. The taste of cheap stale beer is awful, but I still drink it, it gives you a sense that there is colour in nowhere. “It’s fucking funny when we don’t know what love is and we presume we know what it is in bizarre ways.”

“I guess it so happens that you meet another person and you fall in love really. And your biggest fantasy is a threesome which is fucking embarassing.” Jack says breaking the ice a bit, grinning at his small thought before clearing his throat and smiling at me, trying to be unaware of his uttered phrase. He laughs. “Sorry, when I get too depressed and drink something I end up blabbering too many things, which make me regret saying and existing.” 

“But, it’s ok if you don’t-” Jack says and I see that his actual concern is pushing me forward into something, which people don’t think exists or if they do, don’t accept, I just keep watching him, still in some awe and both of us still glowing. 

“No, I’m ok, let’s try.” I grin.

“Let’s talk about depression,” Jack says, moving closer to the mirror, now in in his wheelchair. I can now see two Jacks. “Maybe I kept thinking that my ability to love two people is the fact that I am depressed and I keep shifting from anti depressants to another, but it’s not it. Look there’s two of me, there’s the body which holds the orgasms and there’s the mind which is like a parasite, never doing anything, besides being awake until you sleep and that’s where suicide comes from, the desire to shut it down, that the body with the orgasms, doesn’t even matter.”

And both Jacks look at me and smile before laughing. 

“My sexuality is a desire for other people to call insane along with my medication, well, it doesn’t come that way, but all what is deviant is just not talked among the public, so mental health looks like a nice label, to stick someone in an asylum to never become sane with fuckers who will never look at you. The medication the heteronormativity would prescribe to you would be wrong, it would drive you insane, give you all the side effects like damned flowers. 

I am never insane, yet people see me ill, the desire to love more people than I should, to care about more, to juggle with feelings is what they see, they don’t see it noble and I hate heteronormativity as every single respectable gay man. Those who stand heteronormativity should be burnt with the heteros.”

“Yes, the heteros.” The mirror, Jack’s body says. They both grin from different angles and Jack rolls away. 

“Let’s not forget, you feel like screaming, like punching walls, but for people, you shouldn’t be on medication.” 

“And for a person with depression every day is a struggle, being gay is a struggle, being disabled is a struggle, being poly is a goddamn struggle because society tells me that

and what fucks me up is that society made that up. Society made me miserable, my depression is an allergic reaction to people’s hatred, a defense mechanism to keep me alive by my body attacking itself and thinking it’s the worse there is.” And he turns towards me and everything seems even more of a twisted game of fate, where the fun is to frankly push one to the ground and pound against the core until a person breaks, taking their life, so that none will be achieved by the end, because we all die and become insignificant. “And I’ll be erased for being male and gay, because I’m white and cis, which is fair, but if I were to be from Eastern Europe where people get oppressed, they wouldn’t bat an eyelash, so they don’t really care

and when the world doesn’t care, that bothers me and just because they happen to be as well, just because they didn’t get the same roll of a dice as we did, they’re still bundled with us.” He exhales. “Because I start caring and I can do nothing, because a girl’s outrage that her boyfriend doesn’t like her leggings is more important than laws being done in European countries against gay and/or trans people.” 

“It kind of stops you from existing, because well, you don’t exist for society already.”

“Because as daft as it, you still want to be loved by the end of the day...” He takes out a box of cigarettes and stretches me one, quickly chewing on the tip as he searches his pockets for his lighter. “And it just makes it more bizarre because all you hear is how all is wrong because you’re not something people care about and so is your opinion. Being poly makes it lonelier, because you don’t understand why do you feel so incomplete and where does the desire to love more come from? And why does it consume you and is it selfish to love more or is because society tells us it’s wrong to love?”


Guess what's back! XD I know it's been nearly 1.5 years xD I've been slowly writing it, as it was my only poly story and it was a few months before I realized that I was polyamorous myself and it's a bit weird as I try to stay away from those stories which have places I've lived in as the setting and I wrote it during a very hard part of my life, it was published weeks prior I didn't get my diploma and the whole hoopla with the rigged grades started and I was in Glasgow, so this was set there, so don't worry with the all shit I got with stating how ignorant the UK is, I'll even make a fucking point of showing how fucked up it is. I hate that speaking out against bigotry gets you a knife against the throat and this chapter specifically addresses it and has more thoughts rather than action and plot development, more like character development and of course it's ironic that I had found it interesting. 

I dunno, I've just had a shitty couple of years and some fucking Brit speaking out that their country is amazing just because it was amazing to them was a nostalgic slap in the face, of course. But y'know it's not the first and I'm holding my tongue back, because I fucking hate the country and how it had turned my life around and given me nightmares like tonight when I woke up due to me crying in the dream. 

I guess when you come out you start seeing the world through different lenses and how many people aren't together because they love, but just coz they have to and that really kind of disturbs me about heterosexuality and heteronormativity. 

It's weird because I've been writing snippets for the whole time, but now I've got much more poly stories so of course I write everything as usual, but yeah, this one will be updated and back as it kind of focuses on actual polyamory than the others, although there is another one, but I'm keeping my lips shut on that one, that one wasn't s'posed to until very very recent and no, it's not To Miles, Alex is a raging poly already xD

I think the threesome line was something ridiculously honest I had written back when I was dating my ex and well, yeah, I've spoken of it, so here's some blatant honesty xD

I was awfully depressed and I honestly enjoyed Jack's talk of it, since it's something I go through every fucking day frankly

I open these chapters I've started writing ages and ages ago and I'm like the phrase with being allergic to society results in depression is something I've been feeling and I forgot that I've even written xD I write so much that I can't frankly recall anything at times XD besides plot notes to do further XD

I've been awfully ticked off at the whole yeah gay white men have no problem and then I think of harsh laws in Europe and not only, yet people don't bat an eyelash and stick everyone in the same fucking pot or it's presumed that I coming from there, don't have any problems either or being a transman is fucking invalid, that ticks me off, because they state that me being genderfluid is fine as long as I'm not male at the moment, it ticks me off horrendously because we've yet to see proper media representation

I'm getting angry at het female problems with them yelling about guys nagging on leggins and how they hate men coz of that, I don't care, yet I'm in the fucking bundle and I'm not allowed to be male for that.

Being poly is rather weird and so is the attached loneliness and well, when you're in limbo with another partner

I hope you enjoyed it and you're just as happy for the 2nd chapter of Extend :D



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