Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Snap Out Of It 3

The day comes and the withdrawal of diazepam makes depression scream and it’s far too loud that I don’t even register Jamie’s words in the morning as he tells me to eat some cereal as he apologizes and puts the bowl next to me.
I lay watching the turned off telly for two hour straights through sleep and I feel like the perfect depiction of depression.

“It feels like vomit, it feels like fucking vomit.” And Jamie stops and sits besides me on the floor and I can’t even register the hours of the day. My chin doesn’t tremble, only my mind jumbles. “I can’t.”

There is something about continental Europe with the withered with colouring foresting, how some patches burnt remind a death of something unknown and sometimes I would wish vividly to run through them to get my anxiety high, but the sole problem is my anxiety is already high so no matter how long it would take for Jamie to drive through, I would never do it and the sole feeling of TV shows, phenomenon and sole soul exposure and eeriness would shake it off and I would wake up on the couch again only with my hand on Jamie’s shoulder as he would sleep on his arms besides me to make sure
It intimidates me how I get told that I can’t be left alone and how Jamie ended up shooing everyone off that he was the one to discover me and when I listen to him I get scared of my own state and he laughs when I say I need to shave, when he shaves everyday and the routine goes on like some sort of love and I watch him
What would his sexuality be?
All I know is that he takes care of me.
He asks me if I’m ok and I say no, so he shoos me out of the edge of the bathtub and starts filling the water.
It becomes routine what to do when I don’t respond, when I don’t speak and I just stare at him and I pull him into a hug as he just pauses for a while before hugging me tighter.
"You’re ok, don’t worry." He says in a low voice and I just clutch onto the shorter man.
"If it’s because I’m alive, there’s nothing noble in that." I solely breathe and he pulls me tighter, he always has tight hugs which crush you and seem to leave everything with you, as if some piece of hope he is willing to give and I never refuse.
"It’s not about being alive. It’s about that you’re doing well." He smiles as I pat him on the back and I focus on his smile a bit too much that he even thinks I’m looking at his lips and instead I just take off my shirt and he offers to turn around, we both agreed that when depression is severe he should be with me at all times and I wonder how come he doesn’t want closure, but I never ask selfishly.
I just thank too much. Because I mean it. Too much.

“Please tell me how are you.” Miles pleas as I pick up the phone, right after the doctor’s and how I still feel uncomfortable without being Jamie in the room as I would just fiddle with the zipper of my hoodie, as they would ask me things and talking of coping mechanisms makes it much worse. I listen to his silence and I just make a few steps to the kitchen and Jamie pretends to be absorbed in reading the book he’s been trying to read. 

“It feels awful. It never dawns on you, how many escaping mechanisms you have. It’s as if you realize how many pills you take every day to survive and you ask yourself is this a good life?” I just breathe it out and I open the kitchen door to make Jamie listen and he drops the book down, leaning his head back and I quickly catch his gaze. I don’t know who I’m talking to anymore. I run a nail against my skin, trying to make myself feel before I open the freezer, getting an ice cube out. “Is that actually a good thing when you have a list of what to do when you’re anxious?”

I get the ice cube in my hands. 

“Is it a good thing? Yeah, it’s amazing, I have coping mechanisms, but fucking hell, I have to many and I have to push everything away...” I gulp. “About Arielle. It’s like eliminate yourself of all reminders and push yourself for the final goodbye.” 

I squeeze the ice cube, my fingers going numb.

“Seems like I never knew her and her whole... suicide is a metaphor is of her killing who she was, only for good.” My lips trembles and the ice slips from my hand on the floor and no matter how much I wish I could faint and lay in bed for days, anxiety just catches up on me, running after me and pushing me, the marathon coming and then as I imagine anxiety being a person and so is depression I see Arielle in her Keith Richards mask for that vine she did, she’s laughing and she’s pulling me by the hand and we’re running, but I’m out of breath, but she keeps telling me to keep going

“Maybe you want to go to the cemetery, Alex? I can come.” Miles offers, but I shake my head, before saying no and I put the phone down, neither of us are speaking anyway. 

Jamie has absolutely no cooking abilities whatsoever I realize and before he orders, I just stand up and I raid the fridge aimlessly for ingredients and he doesn’t say anything as I start boiling the water, as I start slicing the meat, I ask him to help with the vegetables and it’s not even that I ask myself and my whole body starts shaking as I’m nearly done with the pasta and if I wish I could finish cooking my past and as I serve Jamie just doesn’t start until I do.

Isn’t or wasn’t he vegan?

He blows on the forkful and I can’t help but watch him across the table. 

I can’t help as I stand up and he watches me confused and he puts the fork down. I ask him to move and I put my chair besides his and we eat rather cramped but it makes me feel better and when we’re done I can’t help but look at him lost and I know neither of us knows. I didn’t confront him about Miles yet and neither did he raise it and sometimes it feels like my depression can strangle me myself, that all of this is foreplay until I don’t hold and when I can just choose to mix everything and wonder like a game of russian roulette what would actually of that chosen would end my life, the impact, the pills or the sole loneliness which I could never address fully

And he made me feel whole.

“Don’t move out.” I mutter, I have no idea anymore and I just look at the plate.

“At your signal.” He says and takes the plates. 

“How the fuck do you stand me?” I turn towards him as he puts the dishes in the dishwasher and I can’t help but start shaking. “Before it was sole kindness, but now...”

I’ve never really been attracted to a man and I don’t even know if this is attraction, this is like a new dish, understanding how does it even feel to the tongue, something as foreign as a wrong transmission or someone else’s stolen dream and I even wonder whoever had Jamie loved and which rumors were true and how much was hidden, how much had raced through his head? 

And calling myself mentally ill isn’t helping with filling out questionnaires at the doctors and hesitating on the suicide questions, on the self-harm and ticking harshly on the feelings which they would describe and hearing the verdict, getting the prescriptions and Jamie side-looking at the quit smoking methods right in front of the prescription section. The fear strangles, the fear of the unknown is perhaps worse than the known which is not yet accepted and a surprise at your door in the form of something you’d never register. 

Let your skull be pressed against a gun and the fire break the bone into shards, making an odd jewelry pattern and soiled by your own blood.

“When a person commits suicide, it’s as if everyone surrounding have solely had an unsuccessful attempt, it’s as if the drained, failed state shifts to everyone else. It so happened that all of the hit was taken by you, as she was your girlfriend.” I flinch, hearing it, stroking my own arms, hair in my eyes, I didn’t bother and Jamie could barely get me up for the appointment, telling me that he’s got a surprise for me later, after the doctor’s and I wondered how natural was everything becoming and was this already platonic or did I have the time to push back?

Maybe it is a way to get rid of the depression, finding the cheap offered drug, as soon as I exit the doctors and he seems to be playing some new app, but he quickly stands up to walk towards me and I frankly take the drug and I’m not sure he even had it.

There’s brief fear and I wonder, how many wonders do I even have to dig through to find the right answer to my question and it’s surely not on his lips

He stares at me when I kiss him, pulling him closer and it’s less than timed before he kisses me back-

I feel my whole body flare up

The answer regarding why had you fallen is within you, no matter what had the chosen fall been. The other person is a catalyst with the other ingredient, because you would’ve fallen for them anyway. 

Jamie keeps pulling me much closer, clutching me in his tight hugs, before we both let go. We link our arms and silently walk to the car and I can hear my heart beat faster, a new adrenaline and Arielle just seems like a bad movie coda. I get scared of an ending, I get scared that I would end up like her, even if I want my credits to roll. We get back in the car and I keep watching outside as Jamie gets out of the parking lot and then I look at him and I’m sure I’m more than visually embarrassed. Neither of us talks to disturb the other, but we keep exchanging glances. I wonder-

But it was more than obvious.

I have Miles click through my head, but I would leave that for later. 

It’s different when you’re rumored and maybe muse in your head than actually doing, like I did here. I can’t speak, instead Jamie smiles briefly and I feel myself heat up even more, as I quickly turn around, before briefly returning the smile. 

He muses on what record to speak of, as I see him hold his gaze on me and I just allow myself to look at the deep green of his eyes, which now only heat me up-

“I always thought something happened between you and Miles, frankly, but Miles never told me anything, so I figured not to really poke it.” He pauses. I wonder if we should all push our cards once we reveal some romantic or sexual intentions and I wonder which ones are even mine and if I had already mixed it enough with his to get confused. 

“No.” I say slowly, shaking my head, looking away. “Nothing ever happened, as ironic as it is...”

I pause, thinking, as if I were drunk and speaking.

“It’s that odd tension which you wonder how come was never resolved, but it wasn’t because it didn’t seem like an option. Not even sexuality-wise, some people bend you over because they’re too attractive to you.” I wonder if it sounded like a compliment to Jamie, it was in a way, even if I don’t want to think of it, I don’t want to think there is anything wrong or some bending over in some natural attraction. Jamie hesitates, but decides to spit it out anyway.

“I don’t know if it helps or not, but Miles stated that he had been attracted to you during that period, but figured you wouldn’t be interested in any way.” He shrugs. I don’t jump, my cheeks barely heat up but it seems as if all my past now had been illuminated with new found memories and how Miles would look at me deeper or even his comments which had made me uncomfortable on how he would state how I seemed to be very attractive and one night, when he had both drank enough and eaten pasta under the table he had stated that I just kept dragging him, as he trailed off. I blink, wondering where had we both stashed our feelings and if they had reached their expiry date. 

Anxiety starts trailing after me like a tail, as if I didn’t have enough recollection of girls which looking back now, had been grabbing me by the arm with their feelings and we had both held quiet and then it’s that eve where you wonder how many people even regret breaking up with you, maybe you’re not the only one missing it.

Just like any relationship, you open up and you move in, which didn’t seem much of a big deal now. 


It's actually Alex Turner's birthday and I know this isn't the happiest of all updates or stories, but either way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX :D YOU'VE BEEN AMAZING AND CONTINUE DOING SO :D forever pissed at you for not touring places properly outside the US :)

Sorry that it had taken me a while to write it even if I had maybe written it in perhaps two sittings or so?

It was a bit odd to pick up when I'm just on herbal, but of course I recall how hard it is after heavier medication. 

I had written the paragraph regarding trees I think back when we had lived in the place which inspired me to write 500. 

Regarding shaving, I barely have to do it, but I still do it and with Alex barely having any facial hair and Jamie having obviously a need, I used that, kind of taking something from home really xD

I don't think I ever covered as well, how it feels to be heavily depressed and how unresponsive you may fall under frankly and how is it to be taken care of, really.

One of the things which I say often when I go through things or people tell me how brave and how I managed to survive, I really didn't/don't see anything noble in me doing so, because I had no choice so I used that to convey Alex's emotions. 

I got depressed one day thinking of how many coping mechanisms I had developed for depression for anxiety and I was asking myself is it actually good to have all of these? I was really depressed as I wrote Snap Out Of It, now, not really but y'know following the story really:) 

The only vine which I had found funny was her Keith Richards mask one so shoutout?

I don't cook, but I do a few salads and a few things, actually for New Years I was doing the oh so classic salad and I was cutting and it dawned on me how much I missed doing it, frankly. So I kind of gave that to Alex, I guess, the cutting of ingredients and mixing xD

What I always kind of found out of place was the suicidal thoughts and self-harm questions on depression questionnaires because I'm more of a … thinking badly of yourself if angry? XD

I dunno, I always ship everyone with Jamie and I quite naturally enjoy writing him in every story even if he's not y'know the last person standing in the couple (or not haha, the fucker ruins my plans, look at To Miles). 

I think I use the word catalyst a lot, sorry about that xD >.> should be using fuck more XD

I mused on if I was pushing Alex towards Jamie, but it had been planned ages ago, even if I had planned something else before the kiss, but I'll keep silent xD

I dunno, I think from too many relationships I go "talk about the fucking history first xD" xD so I'm sorry if that's too shoved in my stories

I'm not interested in making Alex homophobic, hesitant, yeah, unsure, questioning, but far from not-acceptng, because even if you're making out with someone y'know queer, it's still a long way to accept yourself:)

I dunno, I ship them and I'm happy to have Miles in Alex's board as well :D

haha, happy shipping :D

Tell me if you enjoyed it and thank you:3 yeah, I just finished this chapter today and here it was xD



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