The day comes and the withdrawal of diazepam makes depression scream and it’s far too loud that I don’t even register Jamie’s words in the morning as he tells me to eat some cereal as he apologizes and puts the bowl next to me.I lay watching the turned off telly for two hour straights through sleep and I feel like the perfect depiction of depression.
There is something about continental Europe with the withered with colouring foresting, how some patches burnt remind a death of something unknown and sometimes I would wish vividly to run through them to get my anxiety high, but the sole problem is my anxiety is already high so no matter how long it would take for Jamie to drive through, I would never do it and the sole feeling of TV shows, phenomenon and sole soul exposure and eeriness would shake it off and I would wake up on the couch again only with my hand on Jamie’s shoulder as he would sleep on his arms besides me to make sure
It intimidates me how I get told that I can’t be left alone and how Jamie ended up shooing everyone off that he was the one to discover me and when I listen to him I get scared of my own state and he laughs when I say I need to shave, when he shaves everyday and the routine goes on like some sort of love and I watch him
What would his sexuality be?
All I know is that he takes care of me.
He asks me if I’m ok and I say no, so he shoos me out of the edge of the bathtub and starts filling the water.
It becomes routine what to do when I don’t respond, when I don’t speak and I just stare at him and I pull him into a hug as he just pauses for a while before hugging me tighter.
"You’re ok, don’t worry." He says in a low voice and I just clutch onto the shorter man.
"If it’s because I’m alive, there’s nothing noble in that." I solely breathe and he pulls me tighter, he always has tight hugs which crush you and seem to leave everything with you, as if some piece of hope he is willing to give and I never refuse.
"It’s not about being alive. It’s about that you’re doing well." He smiles as I pat him on the back and I focus on his smile a bit too much that he even thinks I’m looking at his lips and instead I just take off my shirt and he offers to turn around, we both agreed that when depression is severe he should be with me at all times and I wonder how come he doesn’t want closure, but I never ask selfishly.I just thank too much. Because I mean it. Too much.
Just like any relationship, you open up and you move in, which didn’t seem much of a big deal now.
It's actually Alex Turner's birthday and I know this isn't the happiest of all updates or stories, but either way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX :D YOU'VE BEEN AMAZING AND CONTINUE DOING SO :D
Sorry that it had taken me a while to write it even if I had maybe written it in perhaps two sittings or so?
It was a bit odd to pick up when I'm just on herbal, but of course I recall how hard it is after heavier medication.
I had written the paragraph regarding trees I think back when we had lived in the place which inspired me to write 500.
Regarding shaving, I barely have to do it, but I still do it and with Alex barely having any facial hair and Jamie having obviously a need, I used that, kind of taking something from home really xD
I don't think I ever covered as well, how it feels to be heavily depressed and how unresponsive you may fall under frankly and how is it to be taken care of, really.
One of the things which I say often when I go through things or people tell me how brave and how I managed to survive, I really didn't/don't see anything noble in me doing so, because I had no choice so I used that to convey Alex's emotions.
I got depressed one day thinking of how many coping mechanisms I had developed for depression for anxiety and I was asking myself is it actually good to have all of these? I was really depressed as I wrote Snap Out Of It, now, not really but y'know following the story really:)
The only vine which I had found funny was her Keith Richards mask one… so shoutout?
I don't cook, but I do a few salads and a few things, actually for New Years I was doing the oh so classic salad and I was cutting and it dawned on me how much I missed doing it, frankly. So I kind of gave that to Alex, I guess, the cutting of ingredients and mixing xD
What I always kind of found out of place was the suicidal thoughts and self-harm questions on depression questionnaires because I'm more of a … thinking badly of yourself if angry? XD
I dunno, I always ship everyone with Jamie and I quite naturally enjoy writing him in every story even if he's not y'know the last person standing in the couple (or not haha, the fucker ruins my plans, look at To Miles).
I think I use the word catalyst a lot, sorry about that xD >.> should be using fuck more XD
I mused on if I was pushing Alex towards Jamie, but it had been planned ages ago, even if I had planned something else before the kiss, but I'll keep silent xD
I dunno, I think from too many relationships I go "talk about the fucking history first xD" xD so I'm sorry if that's too shoved in my stories
I'm not interested in making Alex homophobic, hesitant, yeah, unsure, questioning, but far from not-acceptng, because even if you're making out with someone y'know queer, it's still a long way to accept yourself:)
I dunno, I ship them and I'm happy to have Miles in Alex's board as well :D
haha, happy shipping :D
Tell me if you enjoyed it and thank you:3 yeah, I just finished this chapter today and here it was xD