Wednesday, 25 February 2015

England's Not Breathing 2

“Yeah, I remember that story, I can’t remember what the person’s name was, though.” Jonny said, blowing on his tea as we all sat in the kitchen, Jonny claiming the floor, as a few other people whose name we hadn’t recalled yet enough or others which would soon enough vanish to no longer be boyfriends or girlfriends, as Pete just kept playing with a lighter and I wondered how long would it even take us to get the fire alarm on. We had all drank the beer, but none of us managed to get anywhere close to at least having our thoughts hazed and it seemed to be far too late to bother to go outside to chain smoke, even if sleep wasn’t bothering to grace our bodies with drowsiness anytime soon, but we still stayed in the kitchen, Pete and Jonny reminiscing old things which seemed to be going through their heads, as a new year would slowly keep unfolding and I just waved them off, heading back into the room, right under the blankets and wondering if I could ever count stars on my bedcovers and that had been the last thought of the night, washed away by the morning’s deja vu. 

It becomes hard and I seem to far too neurotic as we get told to think of things for design and I seem to be struggling, nearly piercing my lip with the pencil as I still think of the sketch, legs under me, all thoughts dissolving into nothing and I just keep sketching boxes as if they would be filled with something, as my head seems to start aching from no pressure even being given to it and I recall Pete telling me about his friend and it seems odd, how all was dropped instantly because it’s more than often when you and your friends stop a conversation and in your head, you’re still talking to yourself about it and it just reminds you of some shallow deceived loneliness, which nags, reminds you there is a reason I’ve never gone for Pete or for Jonny whom I barely talk to these days, as he always shrugs off going to the pub, Pete coming with me for company. 

So he had just mentioned Damon then and in all fashion, I started musing what would I even say if the link was so easy to approach, pressing my hand against my cheek, sketching ropes now, not even recalling what the subject was supposed to be, as people seem just as lost as always, you tend to think people grab some responsibility as years go, but instead we seem more like toddlers in diapers, we puke all over the place still. 

It would just be as daft as in high school, only I had some evidence or rather too much, since he seemed to entertain everyone nearly every night, shyly singing and avoiding the crowd as if it were a void, he was too much at unease with being the lead singer that I would watch him at all times, when he would break and relax. It was odd to think that Damon would meet us in the pub, as if he were a magnet to lure the singer out. What do you even say in a tribe of a bizarre near to blind date where only one participant is aware? I wondered if that meant that Damon would talk before hand and of course, it just meant nothing. 

Damon was waiting for us already, Pete dropping his attire from yesterday, yawning from recalling next to dawn that he hadn’t even started on a due essay, causing him to barely feel awake as we just walked on. Damon had lighter hair and it’s odd whenever you see a new face, because you don’t register all the traits and you wonder how many more times would you even see him anyway. All anxiety seemed to have risen to all of my neck, paralyzing it, but I still managed to mutter a hello and quickly shake his hand, causing Damon to smirk, as Pete just grabbed the chair next to Damon, as his light eyes focused on me.

“So, you into Scarfo then?” Pete’s friend asked me, as he took out a cigarette box, humming some tune which was even heard over the loud music provided before the band would even show it’s toes and I wondered how long would it take for my torture to start and I wasn’t sure if I wasn’t on foreplay or full on pain at this point, I wasn’t distinguishing anything at all. Pete waved a taken lit cigarette in front of me, before sticking it in my mouth.

“Graham, you spacing out-” And I take a small drag, before speaking myself.

“I’m fine, I’m fine-” I hand him the cigarette back in one quick motion, feel myself freeze. Damon shifts his vision above me and I turn around, as I hear a voice deeper than I had expected.

“Hey, Damon.” And he’s in flesh before me and obviously closer, as I see that he’s older and just as uncomfortable and scanning the table, as I notice Pete do a little wave. He’s got his guitar on his back at the moment, so I’m guessing he would just cut through and end up plugging it eventually. 

“Hey, Jamie.” Damon replies and then starts pointing towards both me and Pete at the right time and even widens his eyes as a sigh when needed at the word huge, which just makes me heat up and go cold a second later, as I keep staring at him, wondering how the fuck can you even look more good looking each day and it’s odd to see him very freshened up and a bit tousled nervous from the fact that he would be playing soon. “So, here’s Pete an old friend of mine, we’re also in the same class now and that’s his friend Graham which is a huge fan of yours.”

“Hey, I like Jamie’s band too, stop discrediting me, Damon.” Pete smirks and I just keep staring and spacing out, as I take Pete’s cigarette, which causes Jamie to smirk lightly as I inhale, making my actions too fast as if time could be taken away from me. “Really, I really like it, you guys are amazing.”

And he cuts himself short, quickly catching my gaze and realizing how awkward this is for me already and how much I wish I were as unnoticeable as concrete on a road. But since I don’t speak up at my silence at all, which is handed, Pete and Damon exchange glances as I keep staring nearly wide eyed and smoking. I’m a fucking fool. 

I feel a kick under the table.

“Sorry, I’m just... dazzled. You guys are amazing and I always loved all the songs-”

“You force me to come here every night.” And here’s the facilitation I don’t need from Pete’s mouth, as he interrupts, nudging somehow forward as now Damon lights himself a cigarette, still keen on watching me. I pick at the table, looking down. I close my eyes briefly. “I hope I payed your bills. Every fucking gig, mate, every fucking-”

“Yeah, we get it, Pete.” Damon interrupts and Jamie just smiles briefly, before the other guitarist quickly pats him on the back, doing a quick nod and heading towards the stage with a pint. Jamie shuffles on his own words. 

“I hope it doesn’t get too boring and yeah. But um, thanks, honestly. I’m glad you enjoy it.” He smiles at me briefly and then glances at his watch. “Sorry, um, I have to start setting up. They get cranky if we start later, I was going to join you later, but decided to say hi before the set.” 

“Oh, um, thanks.” I mutter as if to no one in particular. Now nearly chipping all of the table’s furnish off with my nails. Jamie glances at my hand, probably feeling just as odd on being on a pedestal, I would. He nods and excuses himself, holding onto the strap. I watch him go into the crowd.

“What the fuck, that was disastrous-” Pete starts, but I cut him off, wishing I could somehow do a switch button on all of tonight. 

“Yeah, it would have been even worse if you decided to say that I jerk off to him every night by sketching him in my sleep or something-”

“Jesus, of course he knows what your intentions were. Don’t worry, he’s just as shy, honestly, Graham.” And then Damon looks at Pete, who seems to be shrugging and pulling the ashtray towards him, pushing the chair a bit further for him to prop his knees against the table. 

“They’ll be fine, honestly, Pete.” Now Damon assures Pete. He blows out the smoke. “So, you’re in art then, Graham?”

He waits for me to switch back, as I see Jamie on stage and I wish I would’ve gone after him in the crowd and said something, but I guess since he would be joining later, I should have some sort of chance to do anything at least excuse myself for being so blatantly stupid. I nod, fixing my glasses, as if forcing a new habit than destroying furniture which would have been more loved by the new people seeping into the pub. 


I felt awfully depressed from finishing off this other story called Poison the Rose, so I was sunken in this odd depression that I had finished it and I found it hard to write and with mania constantly on my heels so yeah, so in the end depression and my own anxiety building up I think ended up being the best preparation for this chapter. So the past few days I would scribble a bit of one story and others, but then I randomly saw a photo of Jonny Greenwood and I realized how long I hadn't written anything with him, so I ended up thinking that I could chuck him in even if it's a brief cameo and I got carried away and even if I was writing it slow and rather anxious and chunky, I still love how it ended up and I still have this rough anxiety holding me back now, so yeah.

Same shout out to that story and in general I think like any Blur fan I will gladly point out how excited I am for the new album and Go Out is just so amazing and I'll be honest, I was very doubtful of Blur's return if it would happen and I just felt that it wouldn't be Blur-esque and that seemed to make me sad, but hearing Go Out and loving it, I actually feel awful for doubting Blur's comeback which frankly we all knew would happen eventually xD

So I'm awfully excited and pumped up for it :D

As I wrote the chapter I actually asked Callie, wait, why didn't I use Alex James? And then I realized that I do love Alex James, but I truly love Jonny much more and this story seems to be a big mix of FUCK YES, ANYONE WHO EVER WAS ANYWHERE NEAR LONDON WORKS. I have no idea, but that's what it looks like and I like it, I guess other works influence me, writing other things so after To Miles I seem to randomly have stories with a bunch of characters and interactions which is still a bit unusual to introverted me and whatnot. So I seem to be sticking everyone who I've ever been sexually attracted to, it's like a walk down all my teenage years, sheesh. 

I actually sometimes get lazy to research stuff if I'm in the middle, I'll confess, so I just presumed from what I've seen and my own art school what it would be like, so I stuck that scene simply because that's what I had in mind and my own experience. I'm guessing it was close or I guessed, sorry about that.

I don't really have a lot of writer's block I might get stuck on a story, but I have like what 20 ongoing? I don't even know, so is it even if I rotate? And I still write at least 500 words each day, at least, so yeah and I binged this whole chapter and even wrote a bit more for the next. I mused on whether to make this chapter longer, but decided against, so some Gramon awaits you next. xD 

So regarding the boxes it was something I would draw first and then proceed to do the idea and the more I kind of go in life, the more I see how art school really helped my way of thinking like we had a teacher which would tell us and even be angry if we wouldn't be able to sketch a passerby in the what 30 seconds they walk past with one so kind of obsessing with capturing that, possibly influenced my writing and desire to leave it the way I capture it in the beginning, so yeah. But I'm the one who is obsessed with that, so yeah. So I guess art school, specifically that teacher and the Beat generation were the ones who built my writing style and way of presenting I guess xD and I was also taught that if you have paint leak further on the paper, it's a blessing as you should turn it around, so I guess that's what happens to me when I write a passage and then go... shite. Like for instance Graham was supposed to go after Jamie, but he didn't, so many of the scenes which are turned into what ifs and thoughts were actually failed scenes xD 

I think a lot on platonic and friendship and I guess I just shoved that out in the open really. I'm very sexual and a relationship person, I'm too poly, I guess xD

I muse a lot on what I would say, too much xD

I think one of the biggest discoveries you do is that frankly many people which go further in education, it's still a continuation of school so many don't know what they're doing, I guess I always found it weird because uni was just so hard to get into (be born in the wrong countries and you're fucked, it's qualification after qualification, don't forget xenophobia and the institutions against you) I kind of always knew where I wanted to go and I know we all have different stories but I was always lost looking at people who knew nothing what they wanted to do because I knew and I would always get told it's okay not to know, take time off, I don't want to and I want to study and yeah. It doesn't always work that way, but keep trying, I think I speak enough of it in Gandalf's Inhaler xD on how institutions give no shits in the UK specifically since that's what shot me in the first place, so yeah. 

So kind of seeing that people are as scared or lost as you are is a big eye-opener, because yeah, no one really know what to do even if you know where you're going and etc, you still don't know how.

I think it's weird because Gramon is a rather strict ship I've been into for years so trying to break my neck with Graham/Jamie is odd xD even if it's plotwise going and yeah xD and I seem to be drifting into Gramon too fast as expected. 

I space out a lot, so I gave that gift to Graham here and how I deal with it xD Props to Pete xD I love him through out this entire story, I should really stop being a dick to him and make him full main somewhere instead of best friend or friend (I know, To Miles ached, I know). 

It's awfully interesting to hear the few Scarfo live recordings, how shy is even if Jamie's still shy onstage (partially, obviously not as before) but it's still interesting so I just threw a dart blindly, guessing really the end of it xD

I was excited to have Damon and to be honest, the original place how they were supposed to meet changed, but I'll have it in my mind. 

I find it weird that when I'm depressed I will actually write comic chapters and vice versa, so yeah xD here's some relief and I was laughing at it, reading it out to Callie. Also it wasn't planned for Jamie to show up before the set and saying that he would join them later:) I'm doing a lot of smileys again xD fuck XD

I fidget so much, just as much

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and thanks to my own chunky anxiety that I think I got Graham well, so yeah. 

Please tell me if you liked it, as I'm always anxious and yeah

Thank you, I should have the next chapter up soon since I seem to be binging this easily or sort of easily xD it's hard to write anxiety whilst being anxious



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