So you can sink.

“Genet says in Our Lady
of the Flowers: ‘If I were
to have a play put on in
which women had roles,
I would demand that
these roles be performed
 by adolescent boys.’
- Jean Paul Sartre

We don’t cherish the things we have, because we are taught that our life is ordinary but no different than the rest, but is thought? I muse as I walk out, smoking a cigarette, watching the play again after all the years, feeling the cold air remind of winter like an old cheating lover of their existence on the streets. Collar pulled up, sometimes you don’t just wonder what is wrong but you wonder how do all slip under every single note of humanity as confusion seems to settle the direct obvious, yet as we build society as daft, it is granted to us, some bizarre anonymity and questions of girlfriends are simply shoved aside in each talk, as each glass is raised and mussed out loud. 

Men are considered to be straight.

Men are considered to be women, because we have given far too much allowance in ourselves to give clear distinctions and I am mistaken as an actor from a play, as I stop to fix the lipstick as long as the notion of the fact that I might be somewhat sexually ambigious, all is fine and make up just like theatre is seen as a mere performance. We are given the false explanations, when those who are women have it taken away from them entirely, giving us the space we had never needed. 

Make up became an exploration of the self, as subtleness was taken away in it’s entity, allowing to browse aisles of bright blue make up fluttered with the gazes of confused women with their bare minerals pallettes as much is made to thought, as you look out to a pitch black forest at night, wondering what would there be for the dawn to break entirely and remind the self of the lack of one’s existence.

“They don’t state that the man who put the play was gay.” And another man approaches me and strikes me with his tired eyes and own mascara, I believe just retouched and I blow smoke, turning away so that it doesn’t reach his face. I wait for him to continue with his accent which just confirms where he’s from and how come he had decided to approach. “So it becomes social help, because it’s not even the government which holds the ideology, but it becomes among the people, because they the mass, become the revolted lot, which doesn’t allow to do anything, to step forward, because by the end of the day even the government consists of people and their decisions. They are the ones who pretend gay men don’t exist.”

“And it is my make-up which speak for my sexuality, then?” I ask him, looking at the soft pink lipstick traces on the cigarette end, as I offer no cigarettes as the man himself seems to be a smoker. We both become so desperate at times that we allow ourselves to frankly give everything for a shot, because intuition becomes fairly crucial at many times, for in a row of people which would strangle us, there is nothing left. I blow out the smoke again and now it reaches him with the wind. “And. May I ask what are you doing here then of all places?”

I feel like my English is far less tattered and I am never taken for a local anymore. 

“Business, just like all of us, we hold onto jobs, we watch the fall, we muse on nationality and consider our place.” He shrugs. The man clicks his tongue. “Expression is rather bold so I assume you have dismantled many things in your head and if a man looks deep into himself, he’ll find himself reading Mishima regardless of the fucked up views.”

He ponders on his next words.

“I got fucked over by his line that woman stands in the way of creation and when you think of one’s gender, you start musing is it actually so? Is it from one radical end to another or does pure hate make us so bitter, then?” Now he takes out a cigarette box, a bit crumbled from the small coat pocket, probably under him in the play with the theatre staff suggesting to bring the coats along. “Because the more you look and speculate on your own gender, your own expression, the more you see that you identify with the daftest of men and alienate from the smartest of women, so what if the woman standing on the path to creation is just one’s acceptance of homosexuality? Because we are told that women take parts of our lives and just like any child, we start wishing the thing we dislike were gone. It’s childish, but you hate what you are tortured with.”

“Very bold and problematic to say.” I smirk, now watching him smoke, as if take turns. “Where does the fuel come from?”

“One’s denial of self. You’ll never hate yourself, you’ll hate the others who had tried to build you. You will never hate yourself for a bad relationship, you will hate the person who dated even if it was your mistake.” He smiles at me and I just close my coat buttons to the very top. “May I invite you to dinner?”

I give out a chuckle and nod.

-

I had the thought of doing some BDSM story for quite a while to be honest, because I've been ticked off that people think that 50 shades of grey is wrong because it's BDSM, there are actually such people and BDSM hasn't seen the best of lights these day because of that abusive crap recently. And in general I don't write Milex far too often and I'll be honest, I don't read it too much and being honest, I've seen some really bad sex scenes and BDSM which just didn't seem attractive to me at all and well, I understand we all have our limits, but I guess being a non-vanilla person I decided to frankly well, I feel like maybe my own sex scenes are more vanilla than I am in real life. But as Callie put it, we come under the casual BDSM people xD sorry if that's too TMI, but we are kind of in the community, pretty mcuh anyone who enjoys it is. I've got some slips here and there, but never really had a full fleshed out story for it and I kind of wanted to counter and give a bit more sex scenes for the Milex fandom, because I'm really tired of everyone putting gay men into heterosexual stereotypes so this story was frankly aimed to be the gayest thing I've written with the small extract in the beginning as I'll get to it in a bit. So I wanted frankly sit down and pretty much take and make it as gay as possible.

What inspired me and frankly I was thinking through life, was seeing The Maids with an all male cast years ago set by Viktiuk which frankly mesmerized me and kind of challenges that men are still men and the point was to put an all male cast, pretty much play that feminity is constructed and that they're still men which is really interesting and is something you kind of dig around a lot when you go into gay literature, because frankly I get annoyed at how gay men are portrayed, that's why I write about gay men so much, asides from being one, it's kind of what I always focused on and wondered until I came out to myself as well. Basically the play just shook me to the core and their make-up was outstanding and that's where make-up puts in place.

As I was discovering make up, frankly since I wasn't aware of my gender for a long while, I remember how I'd always get told to make make-up more subtle and feminine and I always liked it bright and kind of it was used a bit offensive against me that my make-up is theatrical and I guess I reclaimed that for myself, because I discovered it as I moved out and I would do it in ways I wasn't told and I still do it very bright and make a point of making it rather threatrical, in general when it comes to my appearence that's what I prefer and that's what build my masculinity if you must. And I kept musing that I don't give a lot of make-up to my characters either, so this story frankly frames all the parts of myself being a man I had missed. And well, I get annoyed at things I see or read, so kind of taking things from my daily life like discussing sex in depth or make-up is what I wanted for this story. Also, I'll have to think of the setting or maybe I'll just keep it in my head, not specifying because I need them to have some openness which obviously they may not have in Eastern Europe, so I'll see. 

I'll be honest, I'm having trouble finishing Our Lady of the Flowers as I'm having trouble going through Darling's and Divine's straight relationship which I really can't give a fuck about. So, that's for me to sit and force myself, but I've been having trouble to concentrate and read because I've had many mood swings, yet I've been reading fanfiction and whatnot, but I sat and read some more Exquisite Coprse which has it's fair share of cissexism but kind of addresses things as obsession with breeding, which is something I grew up with, so rings a bell for me. 

I was very anxious of starting it and I was looking for the right quote for quite a while (note: I don't have a title for the story so far xD). 

There's more in Sartre's introduction which gave me a brief existential crisis, like Mishima once had with "women stand in the way of creativity/creation" which is discussed in the story. I find my own gender and sexuality interesting, because with each day I feel much more away from women both in gender and sexuality and I find more reasoning and I feel closer to male, as if I wasn't male enough already, but gender is an interesting thing xD so the whole feminity being construct made me question it, because we mostly think of masculinity being construct and for me, it's mostly a concept which is kept up by women (I kind of come from the side where we had gender equality then we had a boom where mother's obsessed with their sons and I was thinking of it deeper, that women are more gender police when it come sto language and we've got research and again, speaking personally, I guess, I'm rather strict and I've experienced transphobia only by women and massive hate speeches specifically just from women). So it kind of gave me a lot of thought and since Callie is androgynous it gives us a lot to think, since we've both identified with female at some point, like because we both dropped it and I dunno, it never matched me by the end of the day besides when I was with specific partners. 

But I'm not here to thrash, because I've gotten death threats by women for being a trans man, but that's not about that, so I might be bitter due to that and PTSD, so my apologies, honestly. 

So it kind of made me question and I hate being percieved as female when in make-up aisles all I see is females going over nude shades and me asking Callie if she sees any non-black mascara. So even when it comes to stereotypes, I start even thinking even which of my actions would even be percieved. Anyway, it becomes interesting. Sorry, I get carried away.

I kind of set it in Eastern Europe, so the glass raised are toasts and to all I've heard of me being a wife and getting a het husband and whatnot, so that was a lil' wave to that. 

I hate that trans women are erased, I hate that trans identities are erased, but we also have the problem that a boy in a dress would be percieved as a woman and if they are just a boy in a dress, would still be not percieved as such, so that was addressed and that's why make-up is explicitly described. 

Viktiuk isn't listed as gay on his wiki page, that annoyed and revolted me because he's been out since ever from what I heard. 

I kind of wanted to address since we've got a lot of controversy, that our problem is not only the fucked up laws, but the people, the fucking people.

I like giving all my stories a sense of dystopia and with nazism on the rise, I had to point out, of course, how nazi humankind has become. 

Also I guess I wanted to point out how we do so many things for our jobs these days and how bad the market is unfortunately and yeah. Kind of hitting home with a few sentences really.

Mishima is such a fucked up read, but nevertheless I'll never shut up about his talent. And it kind of opened my eyes on gay men, since society made the wrong stereotypes fuck knows why. 

I've been using bitter and hate because that's how I feel, so I'm sorry if that phrase is in many many stories xD

I kind of wanted to be split open for this story and I was. So yeah. Obviously explicit sex scenes to follow and I hope you like it.

Now, title... Lemme think. Ok, I watched a small fragment of the play again, just to frankly steal the pharse "so you can sink" which is now, the title. Also I kind of wanted to keep the threatrical feel and for some reason I was listening to Jonny Greenwood's Doghouse as I was writing it and yeah. 

Please tell me if you enjoyed it and thank you

<3

Jamie