Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Broken Black Varnish Requiem 10

And the thought of marriage becomes binding as sitting the last few minutes as Jamie just flicks through channels makes me wonder if I was pushing far too harsh regarding child birth, if I had even wanted a child and the more my depression went that I even had to quit my job, makes me wonder if I would even manage to be with a child, when I would be able to lock myself up in a bathroom for hours and hours, trying to read my nails, feeling the hair start melting as I would become a huge inflated prune, wishing that the water would boil me away. 

I remember I got told back in high school about a Polish folk story where they had boiled the child, because they wanted the poor ill thing to be cured by warming it up. By the end it’s as if by curing ourselves we can only die. Medicine starts bypassing the disease which it should be fighting and we end up fighting ourselves, like a blindfolded war we end up killing ourselves with every day we live. We become martyrs for our sakes and we never know the true meaning.

And it’s as if I wouldn’t be able to stand a man who waits for me to calm back down and catches my fall. So the question would be, why do I want someone else if I can’t stand myself? Is it to hate someone else so that I would forget about my depression to drown myself in the pale diluted blood in the water? 

And with disaster and war in my eyes, me and Jamie take a shot as if we were back in university and desiring to somehow manage to score a shag and where is actually the lie now with the anxiety replacing every fucking fluid in the body?

The party doesn’t have a lot of people and I end up wanting to be a decomposing corpse which ends up being a peeled apple. I try to find even more alcohol, wondering if giggling is more appropriate than a mess of nerves. Jamie tries to cruise for Jack or anyone who will stabilize the fucking night.


I tend to post short things when I’m tired and I want something up to be awfully honest xD so here it is. Basically the short ones are liked by me because one chapter sort of goes on with one idea really and well, they’re all sort of drabbles aren’t they? And I honestly hope it’s not boring because I think of it often I love updating it and writing it slowly, chapters on a day, really since they’re so short.

I think here it's frankly because I still have depressive episodes and just like any couple, I've wondered about children and I don't talk about it too openly, because I still think it's a private topic and there's a lot of stigma regarding trans men being pregnant which I will talk about some other time, but yes, I want to have children greatly and of course the questions arise, will I be a good parent with my mental health and what not and those fears, discussions serve as a big backbone in this story and what I relate to Alison with.

Me and Callie were acquainted with two Polish women a long time ago and I still wonder if they were a couple, because they were together had kind of... the feel if you must. Both were lovely and I remember we were talking and one of them told about a Polish tale where the child was boiled, like I talk about it here, really. They were lovely and I hope they're all well. 

It's quite a weird feeling when you have bad partners when someone who cares comes along, I was in this bewildered state when I just started dating Callie, as if confused why did someone care about me. 

I hope you liked it and thank you so much



No comments:

Post a Comment