You split up into the pairs you are provided to chose from and even then do you even have a choice and content if you can’t achieve desired?
I for some reason think of small towns and how kids eventually get divided if they never leave to some other former kid, who they’ve always seen and if there was never love why would there even be some?
I drink more coffee, before washing the mug, wondering why do I wait as if more evidence shows up as I get called in to get asked why was I walking that route when Lana was killed, getting flashes as if she were an angel about to be pierced and I imagine her above the investigator with his quiff, in white attire, sleeves flowing as if she were a cross and lips apple red, polished, she leans, across and her eyes hold me-
I snap back, sitting straight up, legs crossed, my foot impatiently tapping against the floor.
“Yeah, I was walking back to the apartment, what other way could I have chosen?” And the investigator’s eyes dim as he looks down, we’re all going in circles with no evidence, just a blood wound like a gap, as if the blood
started flowing itself.” Jamie had read out to me the evidence and I laughed at the lack of scientific efficiency, as now more decorations had been hanging from the streets in celebrations and I wondered if I could see Lana’s skulls soon, my mind jumping circles from insomnia and despair, sitting on staircases which were streets where the teachers puked.
“Her leaving makes me doubt everything. I know, that I won’t get told love now.” Jamie sighs, as I say it and we walk on past the pubs and I know no matter how much I visit places I’d see her before we dated, nothing will change. As I have her in my arms, her hair falling off and she’s a dead angel.
I push the hanging streamers back, feeling too tired to even manage to walk in my boots. I glance back at Jamie, who keeps being silent, holding too much thought and I just shrug.
“Once you come out, I feel like I’m angry at every fucking thing. Like I’m angry at the whole female role model cult. Women can be everything... Yeah, if you are one, find your own.” I mumble under my breath. He scratches the back of his head and I realize that I keep staring at him.
“No, no, I agree with you. It wasn’t better... well, sexuality-wise, in different ways, but you still fucking hate everything when you realize that you’ve been told otherwise.” He finally looks at me, finally talking on topic. “And you’ve literally got the ghost of your beloved on you, wondering where did you go wrong and
why weren’t you with her on the night of the murder, but you were with Jamie, who was an ex-lover?” The investigator asks, following up all the conversations. I sigh, closing my eyes.
“Because we’ve all got regret and our demons which build our beloved, when we’re unsure of how the future unfolds, we have a weakness thinking that old loves know us best because they had seen us break down and I wasn’t sure about Lana, at the time. I loved her, but I didn’t know myself and I had gone drinking with Jamie, thinking that looking at the past and understanding how did I throw everything away once, would I be able to do it again.” I crossed my legs over, as the investigator held his breath, making his own conclusions. “Because just like you freak out that you get older, I was getting scared that we were getting married, which is stupid.”
I feel uncomfortable opening up.
“Because I knew I was someone else before and I wanted to make sure I could explain myself to Lana.” I swallow barely. “Jamie’s like a demon of the past, sometimes when you can’t turn to God, you ask someone else.”
I tapped my fingers on the table, wondering what other evidence did I even have.
“He becomes a study on how something platonic remained, really. And it gets worse every day, is that what you wanted to hear?
I wasn’t there when Lana was killed.” I feel my shoulders jerk, as I sit back, digging my hands into the sides of the plastic chair.
“And maybe just like when life ends, the last days are seen as an analysis.”
My lips keep moving.
“And I don’t have Lana to ask questions.”
“Because if you tell me how to unlove a person, I would gladly do that than carry ghosts on my back and I’m not talking of Lana.”
“I don’t know why I stop doing things if I tell people I’ll be doing them later.”
“I don’t understand people being lost in life, lost in love, yeah, but then maybe I don’t understand half of the population because I was placed in one and because I had to tell myself who I was, I realized where my home stood, because if I couldn’t be me, I could be my life.” The investigator walks around me, as I watch him, talking. I should dye my nails as I look and then let them through my hair. “I should let platonic be equivalent to the rest, really, just because sexual didn’t work doesn’t mean that I ever got him out of my head and just like you solve a problem without understanding where was your luck before
so is that.”
I sit besides him, drinking beer with less streamers, as I think I see the investigator through the crowd and I sigh, feeling my body slowly dissolve on the edges as when you open your mind, just like the last seconds of falling asleep, dying makes sense even if you’ve chosen it
I drink more, Jamie now offering cigarettes to me as I take one and he lights one, reminding us of something we had long lost
and I see Lana craddling me
things go wrong because of yourself
the hole flowing in the snow, the alcohol we had both mixed me and Jamie when walking back from some bad pub crawl where all the shots were horrid, Jamie asking me what had I identified now then and I had clutched his arm,
I leaked out of Lana,
I was the hole drawing patterns
Because that one moment in the night when you’re honest
You’re actually honest
Jamie had opened the window and was speaking rapid and my actions had never been foggier and crystal clear
The wallpaper is cream, thoughts heavy
It was our blood on the walls, because the snow had melted and we were far too drunk to think, a toussled kiss and knowing
“We had killed ourselves because love didn’t survive, did it?” I breathe out the smoke, looking at him, just feeling the last collar. “Just because if you die, you’re left in a state, so it becomes fear of losing the last thread. And because we agreed to die if another does-”
“So it became a metaphor of not getting rid of something you couldn’t.” Jamie had said harshly.
If I go back to where the snow doesn’t melt, Lana’s there and I sit besides her the blood flowing out, now knowing who’s the one alive, as Jamie stands a bit further, smoking slowly.
I don't think I've ever held so fucking tight onto a story like this one, I just ended up getting really attached to it, because I was looking back through it and ended up falling in love with it again and I wanted to change it into a different direction and giving androgynous representation made me fall in love with it even more, really. And I was planning to push out a milex chapter, but I ended up carried away on another story and decided that since neither of those two are ready, time for me to push out PTR and suck it up really xD And until I started Relationship Values it was a nightmare because I really fell in love with the whole androgynous Alison, really. Maybe I also have a big hole from Stale Smoke In A Running Circle I finished a while ago as well. I really like making Alison NB and yeah. It's still hard to write the backstory and kind of fully letting Poison the Rose go. I was stuck for a good while even if I knew that Alison was the one which was dead. I knew from the start that she commited suicide and Lana was the one actually holding her body and that had been frankly all of the plot outline. I guess if to choose one of my favourite things after the main plot, would be Alison's struggles that she never told Lana who she was because she discovered it after death.
The children one was a brief thought I had, recalling how The Kills talk about Benton Harbor and how the supermarket is the place where they hang out really. Then I ended up having that thought which I liked and ended up writing down, really.
I still like randomly sticking in other "characters" through out stories even if it's brief, I guess the obsession came after the hookups in To Miles, so I really enjoy that. And I love having Alex Turner here even if brief and I like having a story bigger than the written one, so yeah. I'm having thoughts on that. Hmm.
I speak a lot about Lisbon, I've lost count. I tend to reuse my locations a lot, sorry xD
When I came out to one of my friends one of the things which most hurt me was the claim that if I wasn't female, then I was removing a female role model and that just revolted me to no end and I wrote that here, really.
I guess coz I'm poly, I shamelessly end up getting a bunch of relationships, I'll be honest. So I got a kick out of the past Alison/Jamie.
To be honest, I really did my best and I don't feel the need to comment on all of it, because I love leaving it open and rather blunt because it speaks for itself and interpretation like Alex's role and etc (I'm thinking of it now myself xD I like analyzing my stories after I finish writing them specifically with Callie xD)
I really love and I will miss this story. If you want to discuss it, I will happily and gladly will. I just loved all the ending and how everything was explained by the end and it's odd that I finished two beloved by me stories so close together, but that's what usually happens xD I'm tired of ending stuff, I want to write chapters and that's how my days go, I choose what I feel like it xD
and I hope you enjoyed it and thank you