Wednesday, 15 April 2015

To Miles 51

Sex gives optimism and love seems to root it.

“You can tell when the room is eerie or when you feel a presence.” Alison mutters and I feel even more discarded as we’re on shore again to fix a stalled engine. I feel bizarre as both ex-spouses sit as we wait for the show to start and I even wonder how come Alison had even been around. Karen just looks at her, silently, watching her and I wonder how much does Alison even know about Karen, but instead Alison’s eyes go behind me. I look back, seeing nothing. Jamie tries not to speak much to Alison, none of us do when frankly both were at fault and I wonder how the fuck does Alison even stand me in the same room and how come neither of us had asked Lana, but when one’s ties break so does the secret telling. 

“Um, really?” I ask, stirring up a conversation, as a confused face reaches Alison, as she muses whether to reply to me or not, but Jamie and Alison insisted on meeting since Alison decided to travel either way. But her gaze was colder than it had ever been, because she had always been nice to the lover of her husband without knowing it. Her dark eyes focus on mine and she sighs, but I see how tense she gets from me speaking but at the same time, I seem to be rolling the conversation open.

“Yeah, you can feel, you can ask them to leave... But this isn’t my location to ask for spirits to leave and I don’t... It’s human. Nothing I see harmful in.” She sips her lemonade and I wonder how come she tries to remain sober or how does she find the energy. Then a chair gets pulled up and a woman, which had been singing last time, I just recall her voice and now I see her, smile, curiously looking at Karen, who quickly nods at Alison, who is interested in her drink. Jamie’s on his third glass, but this is nowhere near a bottle, so no one really calls out on him. 

“Oh, yeah, we’ve got ghosts here.” The singer smiles. Karen smirks, but nods, quickly muttering something inaudibly to Jamie’s ear, as he tries to pay attention, as his leg is firmly pressed against my own, as if to remind himself that this is happening and he’s alive and it’s fine, as he could barely do his own tie in the morning and I had to do it for him, as he was shaking and would smoke cigarette after cigarette, smelling more like an ashtray than his usual soft self. 

“Ah.” Alison notes. “You’ve spoken to them?”

She seems to be a bit alarmed, still looking above me. 

“Yeah, sorry, I’m Meg, Karen told me about all of you, couldn’t help... but get curious. And I think Jack might be interested in a few faces.” I keep drinking, as Alison watches above me. Then I focus on her face, as she eases with shock, watching. Meg, pulling her hair back. Jamie looks back and we still see nothing. I feel myself not even understand as I see nothing still. Meg looks at me, smiling. 

“Some love doesn’t go away if it was never fulfilled, because regret becomes the fuel to remain-” Meg starts, before Alison catches up.

“Or something else holds.” Alison interrupts, sitting up, watching the space and then back at Meg. Jamie just brushes his shoulder against my own as we’re all watching nothing, something which only Alison and Meg see, as Karen even tries to phrase the right sentences. 

I still see stale confusion. I feel like a collector, as everyone seemsto shift themselves to me and I can’t really hide under Jamie’s jacket, as he just watches, his eyes widening, before I feel fingers on my shoulder and I yelp, as they get suddenly taken back. 

“Watch it.” Alison hisses. The hand goes back and I feel awfully uncomfortable, in front of everyone. Jamie looks at her, as she just nods. “I can go with Alex or Meg, but I’d rather go, I know how to dismiss... or both me and Jamie can go-”

“I don’t think he wants to go yet-” Meg interrupts.

“I’m not dismissing him, I just don’t want Alex hurt. It’s not very often that you see a dead lover, do you, Meg?” And I feel my jaw shake, recalling Matt’s words and my now discarded long ago photo of Jack I had now replaced with Jamie’s newspaper cut out of that time I had desperately tried to make him laugh. I see Alison’s frustration, as she starts muttering things under her breath, receiving silent answers, as I see how much more thinner she had gotten and how her hands now seem more than naked without the ring. I see her look at me, as she would never, frustrated and fulled with anger she herself never grasped yet, I’m like a discarded child to her. She looks at her ex-husband.

“If you promise me, you’ll do a prayer when needed...” She corrects herself and then looks at Meg “...And if needed, I mean, I’ll stay here out of your business, Turner.”

“I honestly don’t mind you, Alison-”

“I do.” She snaps, before holding herself back. Her fists are clenched. I finally see a side of Alison I would’ve never seen before, fully exposed, dark with fury, burned to crisp with the solutions she had chosen, with the choices she had crucified herself with and the future which she would now bare alone, pushing Lana apart and to find out she had never known her husband. “If the ghost gets attached, I’ll do something, like any person which is capable, but asking for a spirit to leave is something my hu- I mean, ex”

Alison’s mouth spits the words out.

“Ex-husband can do.” I see her shake, as her necklackes jingle. 

“Please be quick, I want to leave, I’ve had enough of this drag show-” Karen slams her glass down. 

“How about if you watch beyond your nose and actually call this what it is... Yeah, sure, people come here thinking drag, drag, but are we though? At least I seem to be more of a woman than you, you could never even tell James the whole fucking thing, you fucking-” And Alison takes her lemonade and throws it at Karen.

“I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with the navy, what the fuck did it do to Jamie.”

“Well, maybe if you opened your eyes, you were hold as much infidelity as he does.” Then Karen bites her lip harder before uttering. “Or maybe looked at your brother who fucked your husband behind your back because he wanted to get back at you-”


And that’s when Alison stands up, grasping the table. 

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry, maybe you’d realize that your brother loved your husband? How about the fact that they fucking had a relationship way before you goddamn wedding because like you said, Jamie would be the father and that you would shatter all? Is that enough for you?”

Alison stands shaking and Jamie just dunks the wine down. 

“Jamie?” Her chin shakes.

“Ask Miles. Time he spoke up. Since you’re so cherry with each other.” And once he says it, her eyes water down, her hands fall to her sides, her body starts shaking.

“Oh, dearie, you both cheated.” Karen adds to the injury, but no one adds anything, Meg glancing back at the ghost of Jack, as I don’t even follow anything, watching, fury tame down into nothing

Because it’s been so long

Jamie hiding his face in his hands as I pull him by the shoulders and Alison is left standing.

“My brother?”

He just nods.

“You’re right... it doesn’t matter. I’m not your wife. I just carried your children and you gave them to me. That was all the cards ever told me.” She looks down. “But I still don’t understand why would you go for such younger men...

I’m not one to say...

Because twisted is what I’ve done as well.

But...” She doesn’t even find the words. “You’re disgusting.”

“You’re just saying that because you’ve got nothing else to say.” He winces, watching her now, fully exposed and shaking. 

“What do I have? All we have is dialogue of a love which never existed.”

“I loved you.” He breathes out, painfully.

“But do you now?”


“Well, I never have then.” And she grabs her sweater from the chair. “I just wish I had.”

Alison turns around.

“But I will never forgive you for Miles. Alex, that’s both of us. But Miles...” She pauses and looks up, closing her eyes and shrugging. “The past is so easy to construct, Jamie. Thank you.”

And she leaves, with the ghost still at my side, as Alison had killed hers.

“The greatest fear never happens, for it had in the past. We’re not supposed to get punished, we’re supposed to get tortured but we’ve had enough, remember that, Hince.” Karen says, shaking, as all of us witnessed everything. She looks at me and Jamie. “Bless you both.”

And Karen raises the remains of her glass and drinks, as we all watch her.

The illusion that I exist is temporary.

Just like meeting Jack again, and I know he’s not there for me to see, but to find and feel again, for if I had felt my own love, I have never felt his. I was very hesitant to even be around him, wondering how easily do we actually discard the deceased and Meg had given me some time for myself, as if I were someone who found out that a soldier had made it alive after the war after we had laid his coffin years ago. And that was for Jack.
It’s stepping to the dead literally. It’s as if because you’re dead everyone knows about you. I could never confess a love before and when everything unwraps in front of you and as I head into Meg’s room, Jamie waiting outside feels even more odd, Meg leaving the room soon enough. I feel like we have told each other everything and I can only think of discarding his photo and I can’t talk to him, it becomes like a grave and I only feel something against my cheek and I know we both loved someone else, someone we have never known. And I excuse myself out, recalling Lana as if we could all wail under the flag.

"I feel like everyone had talked me, heard what I had to say but because the people are wrong they won't feel what I have felt." She could no longer cry, her face showing all the depths of the darkest thoughts and concerns which had faced her and the desires now torn to leave full emptiness and no solitude could drink as much as a happiness had held both. She would ask of Alison and now it was something I could not reply to at all and she knew that it was even more metaphorical that she was losing her.

I wonder how many goodbyes would ever any of us even have to say eventually, as me and Jamie were actually smoking on the deck, allowing all memories fall as easily as a house of cards and we had been moving far too freely and I still held my back and kept glancing as the wind blew even harsher and I wondered how harsh had anyone’s goodbyes been, recalling Lana on the last shore leave, months slowly managing to pass by with Miles walking behind me, to make sure our eyes never met, because just like two exes are a world’s worst nightmare, when they become one they surely become the synonym of misery. And I wondered how come it was still a lottery for those which could’ve gotten what they deserved. And why was the punishment for love so damn harsh?

“I have to start tailoring Carlos’ suit. He asked me to do it for him, because the new one he got is far too baggy and he didn’t have time to get it tailored on shore, actually.” I look at Jamie’s suit pants. “I’d offer you, but you’re already tailored.”

“I think my jacket is too baggy.” Jamie pulls on the fabric on his chest, as the wind just feels to wrap us tighter and it’s a pretty well-lit night by the moon, erasing many stars like lives. 

“I’m not tailoring your insecurity.” I mock him. “You look fine.”

Jamie makes eyes at me.

“You look great. Seriously. I fuck you in your outfit, so I think that says a lot.” I tell him and I feel odd, feeling relaxed and trying to pressure everything back in my life and I wonder how come I seem to be aching for adrenaline from Miles, which I don’t talk much with Jamie, because I don’t even let the thought settle in my head too much either and I wonder how much does our own soul betray us so much? Why can’t we ever settle for anything whether it’s land or someone else’s life in our hands. I breathe out the smoke, wondering even which words would I choose to voice my insecurities. 

“What’s with you and Miles, then?” He asks and I can only blow a smoke ring, closing my eyes and thinking of it myself. Too many words struggle to even form thoughts under the moonlight, as if it were to suck out all of the mind to leave nothing behind and leave me as an empty shell, maybe then I wouldn’t struggle with some scraps of passion and focus on the things I have, but it could all be anxiety dwelling in my blood and just like you feel uneasy on a shore, after a storm you’ll never get used to small waves. I wonder how long have we gone. It’s weird to see constants.

“I never thought I’d settle. I thought I’d be jumping from man to man.” I say, inhaling fast, watching his dark green eyes smile back at me in silence, before he looks down. 

“Yeah, neither. It’s weird to lose Alison as well. It’s not as painful as Miles, but it feels very empty at times, knowing that... we ended up kind of entirely alone if you must. It’s really odd to be juggling only one relationship now.”

“What do you want to do about it?”

“Let it settle in my head. I never really loved anyone else, just like deaths, I need to cope and understand, settle is a bad word, with who I have, that it’s enough for me, and that you won’t go anywhere either.” He leans against the rails. “I need to stop being paranoid.”

“What are you paranoid about, then?”

“Miles.” He grins darkly. “Isn’t it obvious?”

Jamie catches himself, before I can even speak.

“It’s not jealousy, it’s more... Well, yeah, it’s jealousy that just like I chose Alison over Miles, both of you would do the same thing. The question becomes why do you forgive him to indulge in passion with someone who left you entirely alone that you had to come to me? I was happy to have you, but if someone left you crying, I would never come back to them. But you can argue that I fucked Miles years later. So, I become hypocritical just to defend myself in all ways.” He pauses and then catches on. “I think we’ve had a long day.” 

“About Miles, I honestly don’t know.” I sigh. “I don’t think I wanted to see Jack. I didn’t want another dead lover on my hand...”

I motion to him.

“Like you said, we’re both... terrified of knowing that we are all that’s left when you juggle so many things at once.” I sigh.

“Either way, I’m in a happier place.” He hastily kisses my cheek, before even taking a step back to smoke a bit further, tilting his head back, holding his hat so that it wouldn’t fall into the sea as I watch his smile grow and eyelashes against the skin, wondering how come I had someone entirely and that thought scared me. Being wanted scared me to no extent, as if I had never been prepared for someone to love me fully. I lean against the rails, watching him as he opens his eyes. 

“Same.” And I hold from kissing him, smiling.


It's odd that it frankly takes either months or chapters of To Miles go all in a row. It's a bit of a weird place now because it's rather close to major story events now and it gets rather heated up in the war, so it's rather anxious to write it and kind of closing certain parts and opening new ones and yeah. Because To Miles is so massive, kind of consists of many different subplots, parts and etc, it's rather anxious to post a new chapter and the analysis of each chapter takes ages, so that's why I've been tiredly choosing other stories to post, but here it is. To Miles is also I guess my most protected story, naturally. The anxiety frankly comes from everything like handling plot lines to love lines, because To Miles is one of the rare stories which kind of go beyond into a relationship and showing I guess how it is in a relationship. For me it's more natural because I've been with Callie for years now, so it's even odd for me to write couples which haven't grown to trust each other and because it's fiction it becomes kind of anxious, because there's a cult of leaving a couple once they're established and in Alex's case there's much ahead and with him and Jamie as a couple as well. So it's kind of... okay, people don't go there what do I write? And is it still interesting that Alex is figuring out everything else and the Miles mess is just ahead and dissolving and there's frankly everything. When things were just kind of heavily getting rooted with Jamie/Alex I remember I was anxious because frankly it wasn't planned and I never realized how much I enjoyed them while convincing Callie in conversation that there were things to happen, without realizing it myself consciously. So it was kind of interesting to see the feedback and how I guess many hopped on board frankly like I did with the odd ship, so yeah and it's like I can't talk much and I do keep quiet about other ships and etc. XD anyway XD

I'll never stop discussing supernatural stuff and they consist a big part of my writing and musings on paper. 

I can't even recall how long ago I wrote the scene with Karen blurring out about Miles and Jamie and it haunted me because I was scared it wasn't too good and I wasn't even sure if I was pleased with it. Callie loved it, so I left my bias, it kind of ended up as it happened, it was a natural disaster which happened, but I guess it's cause I write from Alex's shoes and he's bewildered over it. 

I think it's interesting, a bit... well, it's eerie, but it's easy to tell who is in the room. 

Killing off Jack was actually my biggest regret in To Miles, so I sulked until I thought of the whole small Jack ghost line, which made me happy and kind of excited to address such things and making Meg see him was more than a conscious choice, by the way, I'm still sad about that surfaced photo of Jack and Meg kissing. So it was kind of a consolation prize for me for killing Jack off and he kind of plays a strong metaphor and Jamie being replaced as a photo in Alex's wallet kind of is one of my favourite imageries here and scene. In general I like those scenes. I like Alex's musing and hah, I get a kick out of all the men here.

This scene was also inspired, since me and Callie have the luck of fuck knows what, we rented an apartment back a few months ago and it was haunted by a human ghost and it was awfully draining and we would muse on it a lot, trust me, those things never mean good luck. We ended up getting the classic cleaning scam letter, ugh. Anyway, so avoid such places, it is obviously an experience, but never hunt for them. And if you can clean the place up. It's your territory. Don't learn the hard way. So the whole conversation and etc, is inspired by that. 

Callie kind of started picking up with time but she's still rather weak on detecting, so I end up picking up, cleaning and etc, so I kind of used that for Alex, which was odd to describe someone who wouldn't see and just barely feel, really. 

Ah, the hand. Brrrr xD

I don't think I'd talk to a ghost, I don't really meddle unless it's right in front of me and talking to me. So I'm writing the backstory and thinking really xD And yeah, I'm not too thrilled with fixing people up if they end up getting something on them. Callie had something go after her and I even got angry that she was paying too much attention and I ended up cleaning the apartment and setting up boundaries for it, I think I wrote the Alison scene much earlier than that. Obviously the 500 inspired by apartment which we thankfully moved out of. Oddly enough things happened there close to 500, we were watchers. Stay away from such places, kids. I just really loved the eerieness and I was being a bit reckless but it was really inhabited when we came a second time, but y'know, you never know at times, just be safe. I miss talking about such things since 500 is done xD so since supernatural takes a good chunk of this chapter, here I am xD your guide XD

And I had to do some ignorance.

I still get terrified of this chapter, I wrote it like a bullet because everything happens so fast and frankly life feels like that, wtf that was odd, what did that even happen. I'm being too harsh on myself, just that I didn't expect it to happen and yeah, I'm happy with it but still anxious xD 

To be honest, I didn't know how to write the Jack scene and I satretd writing on with literally a note to add the Jack scene and that was it xD and I did eventually and it's short but fitting, I like it. I write scenes on my phone from while to while and one of them was Lana's and it was stuck there frankly coz it was written xD a bit out of place, but needed and I liked it there, making Alex's mind messy and since it's his journal it's fitting that he recalls such things. 

Jack's scene was simply because... there's a deeper thinking on it in the next chapter, but it's more... a goodbye really because they both ended up loving far too much without knowing each other, I guess a metaphor I've been thinking of which is common for me, I guess.

Carlos' suit getting fitted was inspired actually by me and Callie laughing at a Russian celeb which served in the army but his suit was perfectly done and he tailored it himself, so that was used by me. Don't get me wrong, I would do the same thing. And I'm sucker for making Alex a great tailor here. I remember Callie showed me how the captains would have the suits tailored and kind of it's those small things I even check on or ask Callie and then she points out or helps, since I'm rather daft at these things xD I'm more of describing psychological states but kind of since To Miles I've ended up knowing a lot and got interested in the navy myself. 

The baggy jacket was a joke on Hince's frankly overly tight jackets, which Alex points my opinion on, the fine bit. Seriously xD

When you're with someone for so long that they can even read what you're insecure about. It's beautiful, really.

And I like the scene of Jamie leaning back, relaxed, holding the hat. I love those small actions.

I really love them dynamically as a couple, they're insecurities and how they've grown together. Funnily enough, I'm listening to Endlessly by Muse. I really love them and kind of reading chunks of them makes me calm, that I've done them well. 

Thank you and I hope you enjoyed it

Tell me if you did :3



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