Monday, 13 April 2015

Pillshop 4

“Do you think people come here because they can’t be heard anywhere else?” I ask the priest, wondering if not seeing his face makes it far more metaphorical and complex than it should really be. I don’t see it and I just keep my hands to myself after quickly tracing the wall for no reason, and I wonder how many times was the box checked for blisters and what would they all even mean. 

“God always hears them. Only here they can always get a fast reply, because they’re impatient and think that God forgot about his children.” I smirk, but he holds up. “We’re all impatient and that’s okay, but we should never doubt Him, for He does all for a reason.”


“Everything.” He replies nearly dully, as a question which he would mumble surely in his sleep, not bothering what his reply would be, because he would answer just as accurately as he would handwrite his name to know every breath. 

“What about the recent scandals? There’s too much word on it.” I hear the young priest stiffen up and I start tracing the walls again, as if to feel the dead tree’s frozen age and I wonder if we could ever be preserved as this, but maybe it’s only if you’re ugly that you’re preserved for others to seek. “So how are we supposed to trust to those who we turn to hear God when He can’t reply-”

“You’re just not listening. He always replies. And.” He exhales. I see his dark eyes look at me briefly and it feels like I’m looking at the blade of a bloody knife, which had managed to free someone of suffering, but the act is still gruesome. “You’re still here, aren’t you? I’m not the one in scandalous attempts to ask God to forgive. I know where I may sin. We all know, but we hold our tongues-”

I look at his eyes, mesmerized, before he looks straight ahead and shifts back into his location. 

“And you should hold yours. The church will deal with the sinners, just like all.”

“You sound as if you could execute.”

“That’s for God.”

“You said you represent God.”

“We’re not a cult, James. We serve our Lord.” I think I might’ve fucking inhaled something while brewing and I tap my knee with my fingers and then stand up, I mumble a barely audible excuse and then leave, the priest staying behind and I just light a cigarette on the church grounds, wondering what fallen angels do like the priest boy. And who would we be.

If you hallucinate enough, it’s never a bad thing may get whispered in the air of a boring circle, where no words are uttered and alcohol is supposed to be flowing in more vicious amounts, but somehow only drugs are the things which make every person crystal clear after I drink enough to tumble but remember every fucking word in the vocabulary and enough to scream back at the mirror and never catch a reflection and that’s when lying on the floor, I think of that I don’t know his face, that he just happens to shatter and remind me that there is a yesterday and when your life is set in stone boredom, when it changes with something it becomes changed indeed, but the aspect would be what is the image of the life you think you will have then

is it the real one

are those the actually right stones

Kate leans next to me, smoking a cigarette and I see her opening her mouth, releasing the smoke without exhaling and she lays besides me and I wonder how much do we love each other for the drugs and she’s intoxicating for once and she hastily kisses me. It’s far less harsh than I would ever imagine, lips ridiculously soft unlike a man’s and no evidence of anything as she just stands up and I know we can all place as family, because only then incest would be funny among us.

We will fall in love with those we want to and I see her walking away in her black heels, my head against the floor, wondering if I could actually hallucinate a person I could not see. I stand up and keep going to the bathroom, until I lock myself up. The thought comes nagging and I head under the shower, feeling the water go through all of the clothes, the longer bangs pierce the eyes and I swallow, letting my hand go down and I hear voices, music and nausea spinning me as if I were on a swing

And allow myself to love no one

Allow to love a fucking image with trust and fucking Faith

And I cum to him holding a cross, opening my eyes to the cold water and the semen getting on my shoes, as I wipe the saliva from the corner of my mouth, coughing at the sudden cold water and I scream, because I am crystal clear and the music will muffle all the pain in the blood and I allow myself to sleep until early morning, a few hours to wake up before myself would, so that I would never see the sunset.


I guess what I'll never be able to explain why my mind goes on to give me random ideas or urges to write a specific story, like the past two days I've been writing Pillshop, pretty much giving this entire chapter and I wrote half of the next one. 

Pillshop kind of follow my classic outloud religious thinking even if I happen to have a stance I guess between both characters, I guess. So it's rather straightforward as well. 

I know Pillshop is set rather back, but I still kind of wanted to address the whole pedophilia scandals even if it's just mentioned briefly really. 

I think metaphor of the chapter would be the blade, because it's quite an eerie comparisson but it's not supposed to be and I kind of mused on it a bit, while writing it. I really enjoy writing Jamie/Jack stories and kind of I have this constant cold Jack which goes through out with some slips (I guess I miss 500 you might say as well) and the eye contact is one of them, really, which shouldn't be done in this case, so it's obviously a bit of an ice breaker, naturally.

When they talk about dealing with sinners, I went all 'no', no fucking subplot, stick to the story Jamie XD neither did I want anything deeper, I like it the way it is but it ended up being a weird dialogue for sure. Significant, as well, dark too. 

The fallen angel was because me and Callie thought a bit on that today, so that's how it slipped in and I guess yeah.

I was reading the transcripts of Alison's Sunday Service Love playlist for the fuck I liked her sentence on how if you hallucinate about some person it's a good thing and that stuck to me for this chapter and I kind of had a bit of an inspiration here even if I didn't use her and I used Kate to fill the void, really.

This chapter has two clear things which I based from my own experiences, one was being drunk with a crystal clear mind and one of the two times I ended up getting kissed by women in life. One was struck just as oddly, it was the first time a girl kissed me and it was really out of the blue and kind of was bewildering because I was a queer woman then, closeted, but still, but I kind of wanted to use that memory even if it's an often one I use in stories from while to while but I approached it again as a gay man really. I got drunk on vodka and champagne and I spoke portuguese fluently, therefor that was used here, for the effect of being irritated, tunnel vision and stern on some ideas, like Jamie wanking in the shower in this case, mine was just talking portuguese for 3 hours with Callie. 

Another thought which I developed was how life seems to go still and obvious and people change it, things change it and sometimes we think we know how the person affects it, we think they stay or don't and actually it happens differently, really. 

The last incest line was supposed to be the last and I kind of had the US as a setting for Pillshop to be honest and as daft as it is, I'm watching The Bling Ring with Callie because I like Sofia Coppola and it kind of reminded me of how I dated my ex and how shallow many things seemed to be, so the party scenes inspired these in this chapter. 

I mused and the love line came, really, as a bit of a protest, kind of are we in control? Are we not? We kill things and we raise things.

Black heels were intentional because on a sleepy head I couldn't think of Kate wearing any other colour on her feet these days.

Shower wank was because me and Callie ended up discussing people jerking off in showers. Never got the appeal. That's just me. The shower plus jerking off, the jerking off bit without a shower, I more than understand xD

My head spins when I'm tired so that added the realistic touch xD

I'm manic so I used that xD 

It was a lot of thinking of image loving really and how you love, because a person trully opens up when you date them and until then and even while dating often you don't know who they are, so that was the musing of the chapter too.

I had the image of Jack with a cross, so he came to that xD easy choice and injection

it's rather trippy, I think, so yeah and the pain muffling I was scared it was bad so I wrote a bit more, I always get scared yet I write xD

I hope it was good and thank you

Please tell me if you liked it



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