To Miles 21

I feel like I’ve got a gun pressed to me head and I feel the steel, but when I open my eyes all I see is Matt’s curious eyes and I shoot, not to miss, they should really make a rule not to let us shoot stuff and we get friendly reminded that once you win a prize, you get the fuck out. I hand Matt the teddy bear as he smirks and squeezes it so that it has an even more beaten up face, some twisted irony since we’re close to war,

I try to shrug the thoughts off. There’s too many. I don’t even know what to say, so I ask the obvious, hoping that once I start, it’ll be easier.

“I didn’t see your carrier, actually any carrier.” I smile. It’s hard to ignore weapon focus. 

“Oh. I just had to fly here, pretty much. Staying at the NAS for a few days.” I can’t help but hold my smile and I feel guilty that I had agreed to spend my day with Julian and we have even made out in the cinema and it’s funny how back then I was content with his lips on my own and now with Matt in front of me in flesh, my mind is playing tricks on me as we just wait for Julian and my mind keeps racing, I have no idea how well can Julian keep things up his sleeve and if I should buy him cotton candy, like a schoolboy covering up his crush. 

In the end the younger sailor joins us with a big grin and nods at the teddy bears we had won, Matt had his teddy tucked into the hem of his shirt, something peculiarly criminal now seeming out of that bear as I just held mine. It doesn’t take him long to stand in the queue to earn his own and I think both me and Matt feel bad for keeping ours, but I offer mine when he’s halfway through the queue as Matt seems to be distracted with his cigarette box. He offers all of us one. We’re far too silent, maybe he’s curious if I had gotten the job after all, I’m not sure he’s gotten my letter. Actually, I’m sure he hasn’t.

“Did you get the job?” His breath is on my ear in a soft whisper as Julian aims to shoot and just as I nod to give a sour smile, wondering what had I gained from it, Juju turns around to try and wonder what was my nod about. He also gets the same teddy bear and I feel guilty that I want to tell Matt about Miles, how I had sent off five people already and I still needed to do so today. I glance at Matt, wondering if he would be able to, but before any of us open our mouth, Julian grins at both of us.

“You sure you guys don’t want to hang around by yourselves, I mean, Miles is pretty much sulking coz I’m sure Carlos headed off somewhere, so I could just join up with him if you wanted later-”

“No.” I say before my mind even thinks, which startles everyone and I look at Matt’s curious eyes, I always get anxious about the men or boys I’ve had a crush on, so he holds his smirk to himself, slowly dragging the cigarette. Julian takes it as me just wanting to spend my time with Matt. Eventually he leaves, waving off, but getting some last ride, but I feel myself anxious from talking about Miles, someone who has confessed to love me and taken it back and someone who I really want to say those words. I try to push them away, but the feelings I feel can be intertwined and be seen as similar, but it’s pretty much who I know better and who I believe I love more. Matt looks around to see that it’s pretty crowded just to confirm his thoughts and I hope get an excuse to lock eyes with me. 

“A bit too crowded.” He pauses for a second. “I haven’t really been here before, do you know a quiet place?” 

I think for a while, wondering and the best thing I can think of the closed Ferris wheel which makes me wonder if it’s hot inside and the thought of taking Matt’s shirt comes to me, but I just treasure it for a moment, because I’ve seen him naked enough to feast my fantasies. 

“I’m guessing the ferris wheel.” I really hold myself from talking and he pats me on the head.

“Hold a bit, Al. But in general how is it?” I light my own cigarette and I try to avoid his curious gaze, looking at the end of the cigarette, as we stand in queue, I already start talking to myself about everything and I’ve got Hince’s hands on my throat, how fear just escapes me when he touches me, how I know I can’t do anything, so I give in and how the thought of drinking wine with him seemed soothing when Miles had dumped me. It’s bizarre how the worst things come to mind, everything seems ok and when we board, I even ignore Matt for a while, avoiding his eyes and I wonder if I could do it again, just to press my lips against his, for a bizarre moment I feel like if I do so, if I actually do so, I’ll be ok, that I’ll forget whatever will follow, I feel like collapsing and that’s when Matt sits besides me as I tip my head down further, closing my eyes.

“How bad is it?” I feel the layered concern in his voice, how complicated it is and I open one eye and maybe it’s comforting, but I’ve still got fear. I speak it out, in one sentence.

“I sent off five people to jail.” It kills my own throat and I expect Matt to react, but all I can hold onto is his words that I’ll get to shag men and that he’s looking forward to hearing the stories and how we had departed not looking at each other and I wish I was on a carrier again, watching Matt buzz the tower and how I’d wait for him outside, rolling my eyes at him and we’d just sit on the deck talking or playing some bizarre card game we’d pick up onshore, betting money, but it would end up circulating among each other, so you never really lost and that’s how it had always been. My pocket money was his and vice versa, whoever got less the month for the bad grades would treat the other for the milkshake. Maybe I was too hung onto Matt, I honestly don’t know, but when he smiled at me and pulled me closer into a hug, I feel myself tense up and tear swell up my eyes.

I had lost Miles.

And I started weeping.

“It’s not your fault. I’d do the same thing, Al, I honestly would. Maybe you’re right maybe fucking lads isn’t too bad.” He laughs, but I still pick it up, promising to mock him later. 

Maybe that’s why I like pilots, they’ve got this exterior, keeping the soft bit for those who matter and I guess

I matter.

I always did to Matt, but I hold, I struggle without kissing him, without letting myself loose,

I have to many threads which I think point at him liking me, but I’m scared, I don’t, it’s the frozen throat which holds me from talking. I can’t.

It’s different in his arms, he’s much stronger, something I’ve liked since I’m still a bit wimpy even if me and Matt would do roughly the same workout, I’d sulk and he’d get the muscles but I guess whenever he’d hug me for some random reason, I’d forget and let my head rest against his shoulder, holding myself from tilting my head up and kissing the skin on his neck.

I hold him even tighter, but he doesn’t move and my tears have dried up, so I lean back to see Matt trying to smile, guilt plastered on his face.

“Tell me.”

I don’t know where to start and I want to avoid Miles, even if he’s the beginning with the dancefloor, the promise to try and get me, the one time we had sex in the orlop and I wonder what if I had kept pushing it off, what then? We would have never had sex then? I’d never feel him inside me, I’d never have his body sweat against my own, I’d never breathe out that I love him and feel the answer as it would be sold to the air. 

I loved

I love

I love Miles, but

I don’t know.

But my tears are dried and I don’t know all I know is

I glance at Matt’s lips, I think he’s used by now, he just keeps focused on my eyes. 

He’s slowly driving me insane, with desire, not knowing maybe so used that every action I do is portrayed as usual and it takes me some effort not to break and even if I do kiss, I’m concerned that it might be taken as something usual from my side. 

I was missing him and the longing was killing me, it was making me fall in love with Matt again, but it’s like a seesaw sometimes I’m down and I forget about him but then I see him at certain days, it’s again a roll of dice, and I remember my love

Or sometimes he comes to my thoughts alone and it’s Matt all over again.

I light a cigarette and we stop on the top and I turn around to look out to see the ships in the distance, the sea glittering and playing with the long days ahead. I wonder how much blood does it take to stain the sea, would all of us be enough and if so who would watch it? Maybe Hitler since he’s so fucking eager. 

I don’t want to tell him that I’ve had Hince’s body all over me and his cigarette stained kisses all upon me and I keep coming back to them, maybe getting used to the imagery as now I’m his new fuck buddy. Getting so used to the imager that I won’t shiver when reality dunks me deep in so that I can’t breathe, I’ll have the thoughts and memories of air as I get intoxicated, blood clotting up.

“I sent off five men. Two were a couple.” I get the cigarette box to offer him a new cigarette and he does take it and I do. He keeps his silence and I feel myself uncomfortable. How do you confess to one man that you love another as well?

“Yeah, I get to fuck men, but... it’s different. I’m really sending them off.”

“So that you won’t get sent off, Al.” Matt smirks darkly. “You’ll have to kill people soon if this insane war continues, you’re... just sending them off to jail. See it that way. Sure, they’re on our side, but you’ll kill the Captain if you have to.”

I watch him, feeling a bit slapped into consciousness as some guilt manages to dust itself off my shoulders, but I’ve still got the fear stuck firmly onto my tongue and I look at Matt, fear pinning me against the other side and we watch each other for a while, not even smoking, just watching each other and we get off the wheel eventually. I feel him pat my back and I just ask myself why can’t he put his arm around my shoulders, a small hug, why can’t we buy a hotel room for the night and fuck? We head out of the fair and I don’t question it. 

I don’t even know what I’m irritated at. 

“Are you sleeping with Julian, too?” Matt smiles at me. I blink. “Is he the keeper?”

I just shake my head, feeling guilty for my intentions for the younger sailor.

“No.” I feel my mouth go dry. “I was thinking to send him off, maybe even tonight.”

Matt just blinks at me, a small silence, I’m guessing the same silence we all have for a distant dead person. It’s shocking how much we actually don’t care, we just care about ourselves and the lovers we own. 

“Well... If you sent me off, I’d understand Al, honestly. I’d question why me, but more like why me specifically, but I wouldn’t even judge you for going with it.” Matt admits as we head into a small diner, thankfully not too crowded, but I’m sure my tongue will untangle itself and we will talk in a whisper as usual, when I’d prefer talking to him post-sex my tension shaken off a little and bliss playing all over my body as I’d either be staring at him or avoiding him shy over the fact that I’ve touched him how I’ve always wanted to. Ee get two menus and he instantly opens the last page once the menus are handed over and for once I’m thankful that Matt’s attention is focused on me rather than the petite waitress, which is a type Matt is fond of. I wonder if I was a girl, I’d be petite. The thought is bizarre of me being a woman and I try to shake it off, as Matt’s finger finds the milkshakes available and pushes the menu in my direction and I just mock a laugh at him, pushing the menu back. 

“Are you going to eat with teddy sticking out of your chest?” I smirk, wanting to change the topic and I’m not sure if I want to touch Chief Petty Officer Kane yet and the thought of his whole rank, how I had asked Julian-

Julian, who I want to send off, actually give myself in and not just a lame suck off and I wonder how sweet will my kiss of death be and I try to calm myself down as I keep looking at the menu, the bear shadily looking at mine which is pretty much pressed against the wall on top the table. 

“Hold on.” Matt smirks and takes a paw out of the bear and waves at mine. I stare at him with a judging face. Matt pouts. “I’ll call him lil’ Al. Call yours lil’ Matt.”

“Fuck off, that sounds like a voodoo.” I hold myself from smirking as Helders and his toy bear keep trying to get a wave out of my own. Now Matt attempts to get the bear to wave both arms and I press my head against the table, holding laughter and I feel Matt’s finger poke my head, as if to check if the bug is dead and I wonder if I could be the man in Kafka’s metamorphosis, but I can’t see Matt happily going to a journey after my death and let an apple rot on my body. Then I feel his whole hand pet my head and eventually even stroke my head and I don’t dare to move, scared that he’ll take it off, but he continues. I wonder if he’s using the other hand to still wave with lil’ voodoo me if I was a real life bear of course. 

He slips a finger close to my cheek and I stop breathing, closing my eyes, terrified of my own actions, holding everything to stay still, if I could I’d even stop my heart from banging and then I feel him find my temple and a rough tug is done on my hair as I yelp and sit up straight.

“What the fuck?” And I see smirking with a small piece of hair and he tucks it under the bear’s beady eye. 

“Now, lil’ Al is a true voodoo bear.” Matt finds himself highly amusing even now and I can’t help but grin and flip at him, an eye roll added to everything and I still feel his finger stroke my cheek in my mind and it’s better than the milkshake I’ve been looking forward to order all day. 

I wonder what is still keeping me from talking about Miles, maybe it’s Matt himself with the criminal bear. 

“You should call your bear, too.” He smirks. I ignore his pestering as I keep flicking through the menu a smirk playing on my lips as he even takes the bears and pretends that it’s walking towards me and waves it’s little stitched arms. “Call me something, Al.”

“Sure. Fucker Matt, that good for you?” I raise my eyes to see a laughing Matt, a laugh I’d always want to summon. I pet the stuffed toy’s head. “Fucker Matt.” 

We end up ordering blindly whatever is on the meal of the day, maybe taking a lucky dip as if we’re back together on a ship, that’s what my thoughts tell me but I keep quiet as Matt’s lil’ Al tries to beat up Fucker Matt.

“Shit, if you didn’t like the name so much, you could’ve told me.” I smirk at pretty much Fucker Matt is getting a horrible beating. Then Matt stops and makes the teddy bow.

“Hey, Al.” I raise my eyes and I register a new tint. “Who was Miles? Julian mentioned him and you kind of didn’t want the lad to join us, who’s he?”

And Miles is out of the bag. I grab the bear and start fiddling with it, anxiety levels rising and words tumbling in the race in my head until Matt calls out my name.

“My superior, really.” My voice dries up and Matt starts beating up the bear again and I wonder if I want Fucker Matt to be Fucker Miles instead. And it’s ironic that among the two men in my life, I’m thinking who is the biggest fucker. I look at Matt, surely not Matt. 

-

I'm so so sorry that it's short T__T but I was really knackered and swamped today with stuff, so yeah *sigh* and I even stayed up @.@ 

so yeah, sorry about that but other than that, omg spoiler, the talk that Matt is Al's side was going to happen much much later, but yeah, here it is, so yeah, I'm anxious as usual so yeah :O

but yeah, there's a lot of Alex/Matt going on here :O (I just added an extra chunk xD) 

And yeah, Julian has pretty much been on the plank for a long while. And I love Julian in this story

And yeah, the death should happen in the next or after that chapter, basically soon. I guess I'm just warning just in case. 

By the way, my gf now goes around saying that Malex is a ship (Matt/Alex) I'm not aware if they've got a ship name, so yay Malex? XD 

Fucker Matt was planned to be Wanker Matt, but wanker would be out of place unfortunately so yeah, Fucker Matt it is xD 

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and thank you for reading and giving it some love:3

More will be on it's way :O

<3

To Miles 22

To Miles 20

I am an abyss and Julian keeps trailing after me, as if I’ve got all the treasures in the world hidden in me, because I’ve got such a big hole inside me, when yeah, the hole is big, but there’s nothing in it, Miles yanked himself out of it. 

I am the person who sent off Paul and Daniel, it wasn’t me, but I hated that person and here I am, leaning back from Julian who wants to put his arm around my shoulders, for comofort and at the same time I know he feels guilty, but out of all of us gunners and a loader he’s the one who is taking the blow less, as he is dunked in to the ears in this bizarre story he’s writing about us, where I don’t want to be the main character in his life. I know. Julian keeps trailing after me and I just know that I have to send someone off and I walk every possible way to avoid Hince and I even sit all day playing poker with Julian and Carlos who thinks we don’t see that he has a whole damn deck of cards tucked into his sleeve, I’m just thankful we didn’t start off betting money straight away, but once we did I pulled Carlos’ sleeve and Julian rolled his eyes at me, to leave him alone.

I still wonder why does he have this friendliness to someone as stupid and Carlos just hissed at me, saying that it’s no fun if you can’t win Julian’s candy (Julian was also betting with candy). I struggled for a while and I just gave in an extra notebook, which I was sure I wouldn’t use and I’d rather lose it than end up gambling with Carlos on money. 

I feel like Julian is in my face and it starts being another dance, maybe it’s because dancing is somewhat related to life, you keep changing partners and now I’m on a different dancefloor finally, all filled with men and I don’t think there is someone specific who is supposed to the woman, there should be someone who leads and I start feeling that it is Julian, as he yanks my arm in the next morning, after I had simply slept with Albert far too easily, I had used the same technique of waiting in the bathroom only it had taken a while and for some reason I was pondering if I should have my shirt off and whoever would lay their eyes on me would be it. Would be the one off.

It was bizarre, it was as if I had been searching for Julian on his lips as he had tugged me all out of my clothes. I didn’t feel like him, but I had to do it. It felt bizarre and I had stretched out the making out, shoving both of us in a cubicle again as I had kept pulling him closer, feeling his hips digging into my own, dreading the fabric between us.

He had been a good kisser and I wondered would I be just as sore at Julian as he was? Would I?

Albert went on his knees and I had too many images in my head, I felt my whole body sore and whining if I think of Miles and I recalled how we had kissed for the first time and I got even more turned on as Albert took me in his mouth and I thrust lightly, a bit guilty that I was blocking him out and the thought that I had lost Miles, I had imagined that it was Miles on his knees and I just kept biting my lips, thrusting harder as I kept getting close and closer. I felt bad that I thrust a bit too deep that he gagged lightly before swallowing. 

I gave myself much less than half a minute and I was on my knees, not eager to do anything else, feeling myself even a bit bored, but at least I was doing something right when he came. 

Hince didn’t do anything as I had woken him up and I stood strictly near the door, but he did roll on his heels for a while, thinking if he should let me go, he pressed me against the door and kissed me to which I gave in, hoping that lighting the fire would mean that he’d let me go. 

“Night.” I said as I pushed him off lightly and he had just let himself smirk and watch me leave, amused but frankly I knew that I had just gotten lucky. Albert and Carl would be sent when we’d reach shore tomorrow and frankly as soon as morning hit was when Julian pulled my hand. I don’t think anyone would really work, as there was nothing much and cleaning the cannons could be done even at midnight with a cigarette between your teeth out of boredom. 

I wonder if I kicked Albert out because he had been mean to Juju, I honestly don’t know and maybe it had been because he was an ex, but then Miles and Julian were exs as well. I just dressed up, Julian pretty much jumping and Miles with his back to us, Carlos was goofing off and we’d get the missing loaders today. Julian shook Miles to which he turned around, his eyes still soft from sleep and a smile nearly reached his lips as he watched me before he realized that I’d be sending off his crew and he just focuses on Juju instead.

“Miles, you coming with me and Al?” Miles just shook his head, trying to fake more sleep in his movements and turned back to face the wall, as Julian just shrugged and it was his queue to keep getting me out the ship. We had decided for civilian, I guess it was some mutual understanding that we could head somewhere where our uniform even if it would attract someone else was far from a good idea. 

Julian pushes me out and I just head back to get my wallet and I take my sunglasses, the idea emerging from Julian putting on his and it is some shard of summer lying around in the weather. Julian looks a bit goofy as usual and he heads off with a lollypop and offers me a watermelon one, I figure to take it, knowing that he’ll surely load up even if he had lost an entire handful of chocolate candy to Carlos yesterday. 

Heading off in plain clothes makes me forget sometimes, because I usually head out in the uniform, something we all do and take pride in and those who still manage to crawl back to women say that it attracts the girls, but I’ve surely had it back when me and Matt were on shore and we had these two girls and Matt just slipped that I wasn’t interested and quickly said that my girlfriend was pregnant and that we were going to get married on my next leave, of course I had joked to Lana that we were getting married and she just told me to fuck off, trying to burn my hair with a lighter. 

We both put on our sunglasses at the same time and nod at each other, before laughing, maybe I’m trying too hard, maybe I’ve muted myself too much. It feels odd and relaxing with Juju with a fake watermelon flavouring on my tongue. 

It’s bizarre to be out, but I think yesterday where the most I got was Miles sitting opposite me because I was the last one to sit and it would be rude for him to trade places with Carlos or Julian and the small phrase, that was painful but I knew what I had done and what I was doing,

maybe because he knew that I’d keep doing it, was the thing which stopped him.

I just had to keep convincing myself that he still loved me and the thought travelled through my blood, sometimes bringing it pain and I wondered whether it was oxygen or venom. The effect was too slow and I wasn’t sure if it was a side-effect or the real effect which should be shot at me. 

Julian had suggested to go to the movies and it felt bizarre as we walked to check out the airing movies, that while we’d be watching something when ships were already being sank and frankly the thought that submarines were attacking wasn’t the best thought as you go to sleep and I think soon enough any noise or opened door would soon leave us all alert and already standing, sleep chucked far away. 

We arrive at the cinema and I still find it funny how to so many people I am straight and once they’d find out that I’d been fucking men for years and intending to do so against the word of Jesus Christ, they’d pretty much turn their back on me and hide their children’s eyes and call me a child molestor. Julian instantly points at a colourful poster with a woman and a bunch of creatures behind her which is based on Wizard of Oz.

“Really, Juju?” I ask as I keep my hands in my pockets and I pretty much expect a bunch of children singing and I think we’ll look even more suspicious, but the younger man already goes to the queue, still sucking on his lollypop. Well, maybe we can in some twisted way still pass as brothers, but then that would make it more creepy for the people around us. I calm down to see some other girls younger than Julian, but we’re not the only ones who buy the tickets. Julian buys us both, so I just buy all the treats and Julian pretty much starts eating the popcorn nearly instantly as I get us fizzy drinks as well. And as I had predicted there are a lot of children and I keep my sunglasses on as I wonder who the fuck I’m I hiding from.

Maybe I should be thankful that it is the first time Julian is watching this, otherwise he’d be singing the songs and I’d have to sing along as he’d motion me to. As Julian watches this and I pretty much keep myself distracted with too many thoughts circulating in my head, but I know the plot and I keep looking at her red shoes, wondering why did it never occur to her, why did Dorothy never trip?

Maybe a few years ago I’d care, if I went with Matt, I think I’d just sit there as Matt would make sex jokes, pointing at the screen and saying how the tin man would fuck the scarecrow or something and I feel myself sulk a bit and I don’t notice Juju while chewing looking at me. I feel a bit intimidated and even if we’re the only ones in the row, I still feel scared as he pulls me closer to him, also clutching me at the back of my head, giving me a tingling feeling and a sense of deja vu as he pulls me closer. I can’t imagine that he’s Miles, but I can just pretend as he kisses me again and I know he’s not, he’s got that feeling at the back of his head that he’s attracted to me, as he closes his brown eyes,

I do reply though, hesitating but I put my arm around his shoulders, pulling us a bit down, to avoid some feeling of fear in my own mind, as we keep making out, but once a song starts, Julian pulls away and I’m left bewildered, a bit shaking, so I just drink Coca-Cola to calm down myself as I look at the screen and pretty much the only thing I like is the costumes and some kids who try to pick up on some songs and how their parents hush at them. I could stitch some for Halloween, I guess, which is what sometimes I’ve done for Matt and myself as well or his little sister, just to shrug it off.

I try to intoxicate my mind with thought of Matt and I start searching for my lighter as I take out a cigarette and Julian just shakes his head, hearing the click as he watches the screen, grinning and I wonder if a kid had managed to simply sneak into the navy. I smoke the cigarette, waiting for the rest to finish and I find myself more entertained by Julian’s jaw and sexual thoughts start creeping onto me again and I think I’ve got enough men to juggle with in my head and I blame it on the fact that Julian himself is playing with the thought. Playing.

I try to shove the thought even deeper in my mind, but it seems to surface by the end of the movie and before the credits roll I wonder if I should risk and kiss him again, but I’m not sure that throwing fire on fire would be beneficial, so when I get closer to him, Julian flicks his eyes one last time at the movie and kisses me, holding the kiss and I wonder how much am I attracted to him, because I’ve been shoving him away, but Matt’s not gay and Miles is pretty much angrily sleeping in his bunk or having fun with Carlos, which I doubt and I wonder if I can see him today on shore, if I can see him in a gay bar again with a Martini, but then I’ve got Julian who now keeps humming Over the Rainbow as we leave and I just eat the rest of the popcorn as apparently the big bucket was too much for the young sailor. 

I wonder how would it be to hold hands in the daylight and the only thing I can do is put my arm around his shoulders, a plain friendly gesture but something you can really identify if you know, so I keep it and we go to the pier, maybe a bit too attached to the sea and soon enough we’re near the fair and among the sea of people I wish I’d see Miles. Julian pretty much chooses every ride which we pay in turns and I’m thankful I haven’t spent anything yet, so we just keep paying and I’m guessing another person would puke from all the bizarre roller coasters we’ve tried with Julian screaming louder than any woman and pretty much giggling over any kid ride. 

The only one they let Juju in without mocking that he’s old is the merry-go-round which is with a bunch of fools like us. Of course Julian chooses the black horse and I feel even more gay riding the white one next to him and I wonder if I should feel humiliation as Julian stretches out to grab the ring and that’s when I look at the queue and I see 

If I could stop the ride, I surely would.

Instead I just look back to see Matt look back at me, but he isn’t as lost as I am as he starts waving at me. I feel my whole body freeze up, but Julian is too immersed in trying to get the free ride and he does manage to get one and I try to congratulate him as we get off and I feel myself yanked into a strong embrace.

I feel myself melt, yet I hold myself as I always do. I always hold myself. He pulls away, grinning at me and I see that he’s went for an even shorter version of his previous haircut and I feel myself smile. We don’t say anything for a while, as I notice that he’s alone, thankful that he’s not with a girl.

Julian already gets back to the black horse, hopeful that he’ll get the ring and looks at me confused as I look at Matt, as if he’s a long lost lover and I guess he is.

“Oh, Julian, this is Matt.”

Shit.

I realize that Julian knows who Matt is and I hope he’ll keep his mouth shut, as Julian salutes him and the ride is about to begin, so Juju thinks it’s necessary to prepare. 

“You riding?” I ask Matt, trying to really hide the softness in my voice and I hate how my love for him comes in waves, I think this always happens when I’m single or yeah, when I’m single or not being scared of being the next one to go after Paul. 

“Me? No. Um, I’ll rather just hang out with you.” Matt smiles and I’m staring at his lips. Shit.

“We can both ride-”

“And try to get a free ride?” Matt just smirks at me. I just shrug and he pulls me into a tight embrace again. I ease myself in his hug before I finally hug him back and we pull away and I can’t get the stupid grin off my face. I don’t want to leave Julian, but when Matt offers me to try the shooting ducks. We wait for a bit and I look back to see Julian trying to mimic that he managed to get another free ride, so I wait in queue to see Matt try his luck and I think we do look like suckers without our uniforms, so Matt just stretches the time, aims a bit aimlessly, giving me a quick wink before aiming and shoots the duck right in the heart and I catch him at the right moment when he turns to look at me with something I’ve seen too much in other men, myself and sometimes Matt, that look which pretty much I’d touch myself to, thinking that he wants me back, but he blinks it away and gets a weird stuffed teddy bear which looks like it was also shot in the face by Matt and he puts it on my head, our eyes meeting for a bit

and for a soft moment I wish we were ok. 

-

Wow, chapter 20. I'll be honest I didn't have this much joy over writing a chapter in a while, as I was really excited and initially this was going to be a sole date between Al and Juju, but then as I was writing it I was like WAIT I CAN STICK MATT IN HERE OH MY GOD MATT MATT MATT DHSGCHJDSCJ

Anyway, I ship Alex/Matt hard in general and specifically in this story. I dunno, I just love them together and my gf was pretty much excited and jumpy reading it as I was writing it. I love them. I love Matt and Matt really wasn't planned to appear, so I don't know what will happen, so we'll see :O and shit, I want to write the next chapter now, so I'm sorry (or not??) that tomorrow most likely I will also post To Miles :O but we'll see, I just love him and Matt too much, but obviously not as much as Miles/Alex, it is called To Miles for a reason (massive hint). 

Albert getting kicked off was pretty random as I was thinking who to kick off, so sorry :\

Wizard of Oz feels like a good addition, first of all Old Yellow Bricks, then the Brits and in general Friends of Dorothy :D so it was pretty much me checking what was airing in the cinema at that time:) Also Alex was the scarecrow at the Brits and Matt was the tin man *hint hint*.

I also ship Julian/Al but in a friendship sort of way, but Julian manages to kind of sexualize it, so yeah and Al doesn't seem to mind.

Also I had forgotten for a split second that Julian, knows who Matt is and Miles as well, so pretty much everyone besides Matt knows about Alex's feelings towards him. GAH, MATT APPEARED. GHVHJV MATT MATT MATT KHSJHCK

I was thinking to make him show up with some random girl, but then I was like NO HE CAME FOR AL, HAHA. 

My gf was pretty much helping me research as usual :3 and initially Matt was going to appear here (after I decided that Matt would appear) while shooting the ducks and Al would notice him, but it happened faster and gah. 

And I've realized that I really really love Al a lot as a character, I dunno, I just love him a lot.

Anyway, I hope you loved it as much as I did and thank you for loving the story as much as I do :3 Feel free to request:3

<3

To Miles 21

Sepia

Life is like a porno.

Life is a porno.

People think that the movies are tacky, when one murders another, when one starts crying at a Communist manifesto, well that is life, you lose your iPhone in the toilet and when you’re doing pasta for the 33rd time on the same recipe your grandmother gave you, I start feeling like I’ve got too many secrets to hide and they are all just thoughts, as Javier mentions the new actress in the movie he’s in which is hot

and I wonder

why do I limit myself.

Why don’t I just go and try to lose that iPhone or just go somewhere

I haven’t dated in years and frankly if I go out with Javier I know which wine we will try and if it’s something new, we’ll regret it and the sex is going to be amazing and once a month we’ll watch some porno, because we’ve both admitted finding it sexy sometimes or sometimes we just flick it off

it’s stupid, stupid, I love him.

I don’t wake up and wonder how can I kick him off the bed or when he will shave or what the fuck has the hairstylist done to his hair or why does he have to workout or why does he bother to shave his balls sometimes

I’ve reached the point where I love him too much

and the question is, can I love someone else.

I want to be with him, keep on making the pasta, but for now, it’s not even that I want fun, it’s the fact that we’ve tried gay men porn and he’s wondered aloud at night, just that my lesbian thoughts came at day

I know he won’t leave me and neither will I.

It doesn’t matter who he is, he’s mine and I’m his, we both meant those vows, our sex didn’t die, nothing died and when I get ill and concerned that he will as well, I forget about my thoughts of trying something else, but they come

I stretch our silence and he just looks at me confused.

It’s stupid to hide your desires from yourself and from Javier who becomes me, when I stroke his arm, I wonder why don’t I feel it, because he is me, I’d shave my balls as well, I don’t understand why women scream at the thought of a brazilian. But fuck them.

He nods at me. 

I take a sip of wine. We should’ve done something stronger, I didn’t listen to that thought, I really should.

Open it.

“If you like her, sure, invite her over.” I shrug and I fork some pasta.

He blinks.

“What?” I chew and I swallow. “I know you love me and frankly, I love you too and come on, we’ve moved on, you shouldn’t just touch yourself in the toilet if you want another woman.”

My grandmother is yelling at me.

“I don’t think neither should I. I love you and I will stay with you, I still want you.” I’m sure we’re fucking later. 

“So that’s what that was about.” He smirks and I just shrug, focusing on the pasta. Asshole, knows everything. Maybe I need to concentrate and I will feel the tingle when I stroke his arm. I keep my silence for a good while at the rest of the evening before we both have our food done, plats tucked in the dishwasher and we both burst out laughing. We watch some movie before night takes us in it’s embraces and when I wake up in the morning the hug is gone, leaving both of us cold, so we head back to the kitchen for some coffee.

I agree to meet Scarlett who happens to be in Madrid and I feel horrible, I feel terrible as if she’s my victim and I know she’s single and she’ll be watching Spanish men all afternoon, grinning at the right ones or grabbing my arm when someone checks her out too much or is far too young.

I feel horrible that I expect it to be a waltz, but instead when I do see her, a bit lost, I feel horrible and after all in the eyes of pretty much everyone I’m still a married woman who is looking for a fling, I know I’ll be with Javier and I will have our children soon enough when I will feel like changing the table cloth finally. Actually, she doesn’t even know that me and Javier have sealed the deal and I feel horrible that in the day we both departed I had a light ping that Javier would do it and I wouldn’t and it’s surely wrapped in the fact that I’m female.

And how actually is it to touch a woman? Sure, I’ve kissed, been in stupor in the moment and I’ve only kissed once back to just lock eyes and never see the girl again.

But how would it be to touch?

She’s sitting there on the bench with the take away Starbucks and I promised just to entertain her, which sounds a bit ironic to me and I just keep feeling miserable as I watch her offer me the coffee and I decline just to glance at her lips as she has a toned down red lipstick on them. I wonder how would it feel for them to clash and how would they taste.

I don’t know what to say, so she just keeps talking, sometimes pausing to look at men, but not at women, which makes me realize that just because I know that I am attracted to both genders, doesn’t mean that she is and I watch her watching them, keeping my silence as if I’m waiting to pounce. 

-

Like is an odd word to say that I "like" writing about social issues, it's more that I want to talk about them and this isn't my first piece about polyamory. I think it's stupid to say that everyone is 100% cis 100% straight 100% monogamous, we've all got that 1% or 45% somewhere, so yeah. Of course some people have the 100% somewhere, so yeah.

I came up with the idea while I was doing nano as I was like, ok, I'll get back to requests but what do I write and the idea of Penelope having an affair showed up in my head and only later I was like, hey I like her with Javier, so why would she hide it, why does it necessarily have to be cheating? Exactly. 

And how cheating is ok and polyamory isn't and how men being polyamourous is ok is just pretty much another thing which irritates me. 

So yeah, the story is kind of built around it and I was scared to approach it as pretty much I love them both too much and Madrid was chosen, coz frankly I love Madrid and she lived in Madrid, not sure about now, but hey it's fanfiction after all

Request terms apply, if you want a new chapter please request:3

Thank you

<3

Bar Eyes 2

We’re left alone and I’ve got nowhere left to go, with my grades flopped and my parents keep choosing my job until I can get back. I don’t have someone to hide in and a pub on the other side of the city is tempting. So I keep sitting here.

I see the bartender rub his lips with his sleeve as he jumps over the counter, the counter resembling something like crossed arms, some protection between me and him.

“How old are you?” He asks me, pouring himself a glass, as the place is empty, it’s after three yet he doesn’t kick me out. He looks up at the football posters hanging on the ceiling and maybe checking when is the nearest match and how to avoid specific football colours inside the pub. “I won’t kick you out, I’ve...”

He coughs.

“I’ve served you already. There’s no one here.” He stretches his arms and I see that he himself is a bit tipsy. 

“Fifteen.” I reply, sipping my coke with no ad-ons. I hear a laugh coming out of his throat and he closes his eyes with his hand. 

“Ok, too much, get the fuck out.” He sighs, jumping back from the counter and his hands are in his jeans pockets. I notice that they are new and it seems too bizarre to see him walking on the high street and counting money in his head like the rest of us or waiting for a sale or wishing he had a student discount. 

“Oi, you told me I can stay.” I say and I start biting the skin near my fingernail, worriedly, I actually felt ok and I didn’t hate Edinburgh and everything I could hate, I was actually sitting here quietly with no one reminding me of what kind of failure I am. “C’mon, man, I’ll even sip pepsi or whatever. No one notices me.”

“Yeah, until some bloke decides that you’re a fine lass to fuck, c’mon.” And he signals towards the door. “After me, miss.”

The bartender opens the door and signals for me to get the fuck out, just like he wanted. I hesitate and I don’t want to go out into the outside world, so I just stand there as he signals me again to get the fuck out.

“I really thought you’d be at least sixteen and then I’d hesitate, seventeen, fuck, I’d be passed out under the table-”

“Exactly!” I interrupt him. “Pub culture!” 

“Yes, but not in my damned pub.” He rolls his eyes, putting his hair behind his ear. “Do me a favor and please please get the fuck out, it’s one thing when you owe the place and another thing is when you sneak in into another one. You’re becoming a bloody regular. I don’t want my license taken away. C’mon, sneak into another pub, down the road or whatever, walk further to Water of Leith, just yeah.”

I don’t really have anything to say, besides liking the stools and how he’d serve me.

“Please?” I ask again, shuffling. 

“No. Fuck off. Ok, fine, just please go, is that fucking polite enough? C’mon, I’m not calling the damn police on you.” The bartender now owner says. “Why the fuck do you need the pub anyway? Go scrap off some money and go see Harry Styles or whatever his crew is.”

He tries to open the door even wider, until he sees a police officer on the other side of the street and closes the door.

“Fuck, fine, stay. I’m not giving you alcohol though and pay for your own damn meal.Then we won’t get in trouble.” He taps me on the shoulder and goes back behind the bar. I just stare at him. “What? I know you won’t be leaving any damn time soon, so, yeah, drink up your soft drink.”

He pours me some coke. 

I just stare at him.

“What?” He asks. I just shrug and sit next to him on the stool as he pours himself some beer. “So, fifteen year old, what’s your name?”

“Alison.” I say and he eases up.

“Alex.” He starts drinking his beer, standing up on his stool to fix a poster on the ceiling. 

“How old are you?” I ask him, seeing his exposed skin from his shirt getting lifted up, I’m still fifteen and I don’t have the confidence to sneak into Anne Summers like the other girls do or ask their sisters, my brother would smirk about it for a week and I don’t think it’s worth it. So I just look away, feeling uncomfortable from attraction. 

“Um, older than you. Let’s put it that way.” He nods towards a few posters lying near the cashier. “You mind passing those to me?”

I look at all the dates and wonder if I want to be here on a football night and I pass them on. 

“Cheers.” He says.

“So, how old are you?” I ask again, making sure I grabbed all of them. 

“Older. But that doesn’t mean I’ll fucking abuse you or anything, I’m just earning money here, you still cash out from your parents, so why not? Plus I don’t sleep... I mean, I don’t sleep a lot and I’ve got pretty bad insomnia. So yeah.” I look at Alex, but he ignores me. “I won’t ask you about why the fuck are you in a pub looking all miserable and you won’t ask anything personal, deal? Fuck your curiosity, I can still kick you out.”

He says it more harshly and he finally sits down, facing me and I see how handsome he is for a difference and I notice that I’ve held the silence too long, so he turns on the television. I still continue staring and I see that I make him feel a bit uncomfortable, but he just sighs flicking through channels which are off or women who are selling themselves labelled as “babes”. 

We stop on some music channel and he eventually takes a pack of cigarettes and lights one, I don’t say anything and I only see one fire detector and he could’ve switched it off, somehow and he passes me the cigarette. His eyes soften up and I feel even more flushed and I feel numbness take over my body. I feel heated up all of a sudden as well. 

I feel that grabbing the cigarette might be something too sexual and I just keep staring at it and I get scared if he does want to make a move on me, but I feel too attracted so I grab the cigarette and I quickly inhale and give it back to him as soon as I can and he just continues smoking, as we watch some old David Bowie video, none of his new crap. 

-

Bar Eyes was kind of left abandoned for a long while, as it didn't seem to catch people's interest and it wasn't requested then all of a sudden, once I got into AM and Alex Turner heavily I found myself shipping him with pretty much everyone and Used Lighter was getting attention again and the Used Lighter two-story thing wasn't finished and frankly I loved the idea and much was thought of it.

I was depressed when I was writing this and it had pretty much been cheering me up and in general the monkeys pretty much revived me in August after everything had started collapsing.

I really love Alex and Alison in the UL/BE universe and I guess I even openly ship them over Alison/Jamie which is the main couple in UL. It's funny because when I was writing UL I had honestly no idea that Alex used to be a bartender, so it's really me getting lucky.

There's not much backstory besides Alison's flopped grades so you can clearly see that I was writing it pretty much bewildered with the whole situation and I did stick in my situation in pretty much everything I'd be writing then, so yeah, you get a bunch of unfairly dropped out characters unfortunately. But it happens and I guess even for myself, it's a way to tell that all will be ok, you've got your beloved or yourself in some cases of course. I had my beloved so naturally all my characters or most of them are going hand in hand, so yeah. 

Also I haven't really used Humbug hair Alex in any other story as I kind of have him fixed here and pretty much with a bat in hand, like in the last chapters of Used Lighter. You can pretty much read either or not read UL or vice versa, it's just both of them complete each other, really. And BE will have the full explanation and it pretty much overlaps and explains the ending and Alison's fate in the end and Alex's.

I hope you enjoyed it and it is bizarre knowing the ending, no?

Thank you and I hope you love them and ship them as much as I do and they're a lovely couple

<3

Gandalf's Inhaler 13

I feel like I’ve been riding anxiety all this time as we walk in and no one asks for our IDs, it’s embarrassing but this is the first time I’ve ever even been in a pub, it’s pretty small and less exciting than you’d ever imagine to be, but with Alex on the other side of the table, it might as well be even cozy. We both take off our coats and my brain nags, that I’d rather if he’d take off the rest and the table seems tempting.

I wish I could shut the fuck up. 

Sometimes when I look back, I wish I had shut the fuck up, I was, well I still am the kid who always hands in the homework, hand in air, answers what the fuck is the second meiotic division or I’ll explain to someone a mono hybrid cross. Students like me end up in Oxford, St Andrews, whatever, I got the glances and the whole cockiness that I’d get in, I knew that I would, I studied, I had the grades, I had the language, the knowledge

and hey, instead kids who dozed off, but happened to be straight with either a posh background or a posh family got in, but they’re the ones who laugh at me

and frankly, it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have boasted.

But it was only after I had gotten the offers everything went down and frankly I never got the diploma,

and I don’t think I’d ever be sitting here with a teacher, trying to drink beer, underage, fuck, I imagined my November as a student in said university hoodie reading on about the human body and wondering where the fuck do I go next with all the doors open, not fucking closed.

And those who slack off, don’t know the difference between an animal and a plant cell, get the fancy uni and I am left wondering if I am daft and dumb at all. 

And people who had similiar things, fuck me, they post it, it spreads like wildfire, organizations do shit,

in my case no one wanted to deal with me. I was just left as the others who just got called a fag went on into uni and I’m stuck with fuck knows what qualifications. 

“Miles, you want beer?” And Alex’s voice nearly makes me rise from the grave and I jerk my head up, not even noticing that I’ve been talking to myself in my head, which makes me feel a bit lonely and I look up at Al, who is pretty much smiling with his whole being and I just nod, I am legal to buy alcohol with another adult, I’m guessing he knows that.

Now, my only struggle will be that what beer he chooses and I feel a bit embarrassed that the only time I’ve drank was when Matt would bring in some booze and he and Breana would chug it down, all of it by themselves and I’d have a shot and I’d just have to peel my eyes open to make sure when I have to leave when their hands are no longer on their chests (Matt’s hands are nearly always on Breana’s breasts, I even forget that he keeps his hands to himself sometimes), so then I have to leave.

I sulk at the fact that I can’t smoke, because frankly I want a cigarette and I want Alex. I try to shove the thought away and obviously the restroom is always a bizarre option and seems a bit cliche and the fact that this is our first non-sex encounter makes it awkward and it’s as if I’m used that we’ll both come by the end of it and it doesn’t matter how much we tug on each other’s lips because all will be released. 

Released.

Shut the fuck up, Miles.

They bring the beer. We keep our silence and frankly, once the thought is planted it’s in my mind with all the images and the soundtrack as well and mind you, the soundtrack changes, fuck everything changes. I start drinking my beer a bit too fast, as I can see that Al is taking his time. 

I don’t dare to talk to him about my problems, I myself am a problem, even if he was the one who had kissed me first. I take another gulp and I actually wonder, if he was so chummy with Ezra why are the Arielle rumors so tense around? I decide to ask after all. 

“Hey.” I’ve got his attention and his eyes, which shove me out of reality and I’ve got too mnay images in my head, so I just cross my legs and I wonder if we’ll ever be able to crawl out of the bed again. “If... there’s nothing going on between you and Arielle, why are there so many rumors?”

Alex smirks and I deliberately not add the fact that he’s been with Ezra all this time and it’s just the weekend to even let people get a glimpse of what is going on and I don’t think the economics teacher figured it out yet, I never got a dirty look back then. 

“Oh, well, I know she had a crush on me, but she feels... like a new version of Alexa and I don’t want something like that. I don’t want someone who will nag on my sexuality again, even if they know that if I end up with them, I won’t look at anyone else regardless of their gender, so what if I’ve got more attractions when I’m single, I mean I chose... you?” He is a bit insecure on the last end and looks down at his beer, but eventually he raises his eyes and we smile lightly, trying to cover up whatever we could talk about. 

“‘Course.” I say and in the end Alex decides that perhaps this would be where we should eat and gets us a few menus and I wonder what should I eat, how light should I choose, what should I choose and I am close to just making a decided face and say with a bad surprised tone that I want the same thing, as long as I would eat it at some point if it was just me or Matt showed up with it. Matt. My phone is off, but I’m sure he and Breana are sending me numerous puns and condom jokes. Maybe they’ve even e-mailed me a box of durex flavoured condoms, how the fuck should I know.

The condoms.

The STIs.

Fuck.

“So what are you planning for Christmas or New Years?” Al asks, as we still keep checking what is there on the menu. I stick to my plan of ordering the same as he does, but then what if that would see that I’m just copying him, by playing safe and our eyes meet.

“Well, I don’t want to go to my parents, to be honest. I wouldn’t mind spending it with Matt, though, but then he and Breana might go somewhere or we could rent some bed and breakfast somewhere, I honestly don’t know. I just want to avoid my parents.” Because I’ve came out to people in my previous college and not to my parents who would flick the channel if there is even one gay couple and see them as something else, something mentally ill you should feel sorry for. I look at Al. How the fuck can you be mentally ill for loving him? What’s wrong with loving him and having sex-

Shut the fuck up, you’re in public.

“Oh. If you want we can spend it together. Or I guess I can join Matt and Breana which will be a bit awkward, but... yeah. Just don’t tell me they’ll drag us to that concert which Nick is doing for the winter holidays.” Alex wonders for a bit. He speaks a bit lower when he suggests it and I feel myself trying to hold a smile and I imagine us breaking crackers with the daft paper crowns and silly wee gifts. Looks like a scene of something sappy when you try to fall asleep, but I don’t mind it, I even want it to happen. 

“Wait, The Arctic Monkey is doing some winter shit?” Alex just nods. Shit, I’m sure Matt already bought all the tickets so he could be the only one at the gig, ok, with his girlfriend and he’d then make sure that he filmed it, got the autographs, got the phone numbers and convinced Nick to play at his wedding. 

“Yeah, he actually sent me a ticket, he sends them from while to while. Even me mum got one and she kept nagging how I should go for Nick again, even if everyone knows he’s been fucking Andy for years.” Al smirks. Wait. Andy is other guy. So, those two are fucking. Well, no one does a two piece band without fucking, so makes sense. I’m sure Matt would be thrilled to know that they’re fucking. 

“Just don’t tell Matt, please.” I smirk. 

“I can get him some tickets, if he doesn’t have any. No bother.” Alex shrugs. “Maybe then he’ll leave us alone, not that he doesn’t, but I’m still scarred for life.”

We both laugh, as I try to pretend that I am interested in the menu, but my plan is still intact. 

I feel horrid, that I’ve jumped on the Nick news out of fear when my mind is pretty much too colourful spinning on the thought that I might spend Christmas with him. 

“What about your parents, though? As in do they know, that you’re pretty much...” He ponders for a word a bit, I’m sure it’s something close to avoiding, but I’m happy that he eliminates the chance of saying it outloud just to remind me how much I feel uncomfortable with them lately, with the nagging and the whole family discussing how it’s unnatural that I haven’t brought a girl home or my uncles telling me that I should really fuck some virgin and then I won’t stop, but no one mutters the word gay, which I can see crosses their minds. “...not spending time with them?”

“Oh, well, I haven’t been doing that and I’m sure they’re happy to come up with a lie that I’m shagging some bird other than being single, because I think they’ve been noticing how I never really was attached to girls, dunno.” I just shrug and I flip to the desert wondering how stupid of me would it be if I choose ice cream in the end. I feel Al’s hand on my head, he pats it and I give him a soft judging look before he starts playing with a strand of my hair. I don’t know how to react at first and I keep staring at his lips, biting my own and Alex smirks, untangling his hand from my hair. I’m really not willing to come out to my parents, I guess in the back of my mind I just hope that I’ll end up detaching until there is nowhere else to detach and I’ll be a lost son. I wish I wasn’t the only child. 

“Well, with the current events. I guess I’ll have to spend time with you.” He gives a mocking eye roll and I just smile, thankful, but I don’t say it. “I’ll have to go to my parents at some point. I guess boxing day, you ok with that?”

I nod.

“Yeah, um, you don’t have to.” I mumble but I’m sure my smile gives out too much and Alex’s matches my own. I turn towards the window to see that it actually start raining, which is odd, because at the start of November I’m already expecting snow and throwing snowballs at Alex and I remember how I’d always turn around in biology last year to see the flakes and I guess that was my fondest memory of snow, knowing that you’re inside the snow globe, tucked in and listening about food chains. I try to push the fact that I should start slowly finding out about the universities and I didn’t even get my goddamn diploma, everyone being a drama queen, that I am taking a job from an innocent man.
I wonder if the college’s student representation should be the one dealing with this, why do they ignore? But the thing is what do they lose besides a fucking pissed at them student who will surely not come back and it’s not like I’m royalty either.

When the time comes Alex asks me what will I get, which causes me to drop my plan and order a burger, which Alex says he will take as well and makes me wonder for a bit, as I am halfway through my beer. 

-

And my anxiety is back. I haven't written properly GI for a month and I've been chucking in random thoughts and my situation has been odd, but I can't just shove in right now, so it's pretty much writing through gritted teeth right now XD 

gah, I hope you enjoyed it :O and yeah. 

Anyway, pop me a message if you liked it:3 

Thank you

<3