Gandalf's Inhaler 14

Alex has to leave and I have to meet up with Matt, so we have a brief kiss before we depart, arranging to have the night tomorrow and I regret not kissing him deeper, as I had felt anxious, I had felt far too anxious to kiss him again, my mind trying to bring the moment of departure closer so that I could go to sleep straight away and have Biology. I wondered if I will stalk the classroom, like those girls did a week ago and I would just wonder why the fuck would you even be stupid enough to go for someone older.

It just didn’t seem to make sense to me, you’re different. I guess I still had the childish thought that 13 year olds wouldn’t dare to be seen with the 12 year olds. But now it would be me and I wanted to kiss him, pull him closer, pull down his jeans-

Fuck,

At least we’re fucking tomorrow and that is the thought which warms my heart as I keep recalling our date. I look at the sleeping Breana and Matt and I wonder

What do I have to lose?

I still didn’t get my diploma and frankly, I’m not the asshole.

I take out my phone, curse at how I should’ve waited until we get back to the dorms and I start writing the e-mails, attaching the right files, which takes ages and I pretty much choose any organization, for the love of fuck, I’ve worn their shirts for Coming Out Day, please tell me that at least they were on my side.

I wrap the scarf tighter, imagining that I’m leaning against Al’s shoulder and he’s kissing my cheek, before I drift off. It doesn’t matter we’ll get chucked out on the last station, so we all sleep. And we do that, the evening is spent with all us thinking that we should really start decorating even if it’s a tree out of loo roll, we do need something and they all know I’ll be clinging to Al. I feel a bit embarrassed, but they don’t. We send texts and I count the average amount it takes him to reply. 

I don’t expect any organization to reply soon,

but in the morning, with a piercing silence I wake to an e-mail.

I’m not qualified. 

I don’t even wake up Matt, all I do is get a scarf, a bizarre choice and I put on my jeans, a sweater quickly pulled over and I head out with no morning hygiene done across the damn campus, some fuckers are awake and I’m sure some of the fuckers got places. 

I keep walking, wondering when will everything be covered in snow, when will everything be covered in lava, all is disgusting and all I can comprehend is Alex’s sleepy face as he opens the door, all his hair brushed from sleep to one side and a confused yet blissful smile on his face as he motions for me to walk in.

He kisses me briefly and even yawns into the kiss and I feel guilty that I barely kiss back.

“The college said that I wasn’t qualified.” I don’t even cry, I just stand still as Alex pales up.

“What?” He’s in his pajamas and just the kitchen lights are on. All blinds are fully closed and I feel so numb that he’s maybe in a more explicit state of shock than I am. 

“The procedure said that the college has been contacted and after that... I’m disqualified. I don’t even have the fucking diploma-”

“What do you mean-”

“They never gave it to me. I tried getting it, they just ignored my e-mails.” everything is shattered and broken and I can only think of the people who think that homosexuality is a decease getting their places for next year again. I don’t want to lose university again.

I’m broken.

I can’t hear Alex who tells me to sit down as he gets his laptop and starts searching something and he asks for my e-mail as I give him everything, my mind fuzzy and I can’t cry instead there’s this horrible pain going through all of my body, replacing my blood, my breathe shattering and my vision oddly there, bright showing me how Alex frantically searches for something and then he even gives a few calls, pacing around and that’s when I press my head against the kitchen table and start crying. 

And here’s to the fact that I went to sleep thinking that I’d wait until everyone would be gone and I’d undo the lab robe and make out with him in the classroom, Al noting that we should be careful, but instead I’d continue, pinning him to the table, sliding-

I cry harder.

I should’ve reported earlier.

I should’ve went further, I should’ve told everyone my parents, the press, everyone, I should’ve left that damned college, the damn city, but no I stayed and wondered how long will it take for the bruises to heal, how long

how fucking long.

It’s the flick of a light, it’s either depression or some dumb plastered hope on your face as I see Al as he gives me the laptop and tells me what to write as I edit and I hope I’m not late, I had woken up with enough time and soon enough he kisses my forehead, but I feel open, I feel nothing, I don’t know where I’m heading and I don’t know how to prove things when I’m accused of being a liar. The most common question they ask during CBT is what would you tell a person who’s going through the same thing as you are?

That’s the thing, I don’t know, how would I suggest them something if I can’t even help myself. But then a shit ass country has shit ass solutions. 

And I get anxious over everything and all is used against me, all the good cards are just shoved back into my hands and I get told that I’m lying as if it’s a game of bullshit. 

And I’m always the one to blame even among my family, sure, I’m here, but they’ve got their thoughts, their moments when they just go Miles, you didn’t study hard enough and I just nod it off and the thoughts of me being dumb in biology still creep on and I have no idea how this kind of bullying is legal and even if I were to commit suicide, I’d just get a few necks to turn to my direction, get poked with a stick to see if I’m dead and they’d leave me hanging, knowing that I’d decompose sooner than them bothering. 

I feel like collapsing but there’s nowhere to drop and nowhere to keep falling, there’s just nothing some sweetened death because I still get my memories and fear keeps running around in the cage of myself and I wish I could shoot myself to make it stop and then come back with Alex’s eyes staring into mine and something resolved. 

And I have to talk, I have to ask and explain. And I don’t know how I manage and my soul just freezes over when I do so, not understanding what I’m asked yet Alex mutters what to reply his fingers against my neck and I don’t know if I’ve just done enough crying or there is much more to come. 

The fear which comes is like a tsunami, leaving me bewildered, that nothing might happen, that everyone will go forward and I will be left with no uni and nothing to cling onto besides Alex and even that seems to be of doubt. 

I check the time and I have to leave, Al tells me to come back after the lesson, that he’ll be waiting for me and we can both head to Biology and he asks me if he should ask me more often today and I nod, as he pulls me closer and I feel full with his arms pulling me closer, some numb medicine which makes me forget the buzzing even if my whole body is aching and shredded. We’ve made the calls, we’ve sent the appeal and I have to pick up my books. He offers to walk me back, but I decline instead pressing him against the wall and kissing him far too harshly and I’m thankful he’s here when I fall. My mind is still numb and a dumb smile plays on my lips as I leave depression coming in waves, as I walk on out of his building. 

Everything should be a domino effect, but I guess it’s not always specifically your domino which falls. 

As I open the door I don’t even notice anything as I take off my shoes, just noticing two silhouettes which jump from each other and I just close the door, not even registering the bloke who had been in Matt’s arms until I raise my head and I see his hair with a blue strand in it and his shocked face, as Matt just sits on the bed. 

I proceed to go to my half, I open the drawer and I take out the textbooks. 

Breana.

I turn around to look at them. They’re not in each other’s arms anymore with Matt just staring at the ground. 

“It’s not for me to tell-” But Matt cuts me off. 

“...Did something happen in the morning?” He asks trying to change topic, the bloke staring now at his beaten up sneakers which still manage to have something appealing in them and his whole attire seems like nothing I’ve ever seen Matt or me even look at. 

“I got disqualified.” I mumble.

“Shit, man, Matt t-told me...” The dark haired bloke points at Matt. 

Depressed people act more calmly to shocking factors. And I’ve had my worst blow already. I’m stuck with no education, me, Miles with no education when people don’t know what they want and I’ll have to work in Starbucks if I’ll be lucky to work there. 

I just freeze.

“He told you?” I snap and I don’t hold and I chuck a book at Matt. Breana. I can’t even imagine her face. “HE FUCKING TOLD YOU?”

I actually scream and my whole body is shaking. Breana doesn’t deserve him. I wasn’t close to her, but she’s lovely and I always thought that he had loved her, neither did I know that Matt had been attracted to men. I recall how he always spoke fondly of her. But he always spends time with-

Or does he?

I shudder thinking of the condoms. It doesn’t always have to be from Breana. 

Maybe that’s why he’s so aware of gay Sex Ed. 

I can’t look at him. 

I walk up over to him.

Breana doesn’t deserve this, I don’t deserve this.

I don’t touch him, I just shake in front of him as he raises his blue eyes on me. 

“Asshole.”

And I turn around, leaving the feather man standing in the middle of the room, confused, as I leave. 

I want to find Breana and tell her, maybe it’s the grief I want to share and see someone else’s world collapse, see how her eyes would be, to see my own reflection. My world jumble up together and are too sticky to be pulled apart, but I’m far too close to be late, so I just head out and I keep walking, past the people who are like jigsaw puzzles ready to be lost and never to fill in the big picture. I want to scream in the crowd and to plaster myself against the walls, but I keep walking until I’m in and all I think is about failure, how I was destined to be pulled apart. 

I didn’t even ask them how long has this been going and all I can think of is that the bloke knows about me, so they have some bond of trust and the sperm in the condom can also be the bloke’s not just Matt’s, which makes me shudder again and glance towards the window which catches the English teacher’s eye and I stick my head back into the book, wishing for Biology to start...

while I can have it. My shoulders give a shake. I’ve got a hysteria with no tears and I try to concentrate on reading the words, but odd excitement fills me up to see Alex, but fear seems to hammer me and I see the bloke dancing with Matt for some odd reason and it makes me wish I would collapse just to wake up with Al’s fingers entangled in my hair. 

I’d never cheat, I think I’ve got enough love to make me pull my life together for a brief moment until I recall that I’m not getting in and a suing process is about to begin. 

And once I head out of the classroom I see the feather man waiting for me and he gives a shy wave as he makes his way towards me and he’s taller than both me and Matt and he seems to be relaxed yet anxiety seems to be piercing his being and he approaches me even if I feel like hitting him even if I know that both him and Matt share their guilt, the blanket they’ve hidden quite well under, the elephant in the room both me and Breana seemed to be oblivious to. She stings upon my fingertips as I think of her, but instead I just look at him. 

“Look, sorry, I mean...” He stops and looks at my shoes. I just shuffle and I start walking as he begins to follow me, I turn around to glance at him as he is about to put his hand upon my shoulder and I’m guessing to squeeze it. “I just want to be your friend.”

The nerve.

I keep walking, I try to increase my pace, but the bloke doesn’t seem to mind and I look at his clothes, how they are quite beaten but seem to be intended to look like that and he is-

It’s odd,

he also has a degree of attachment to men, but I’d never be attracted to Matt and he seems like out of all a different witches’ cauldron. I never thought I’d be dazzled at someone who is simply not in polos or slightly goofy shirts, but his entire outfit seems to be like a great big Vogue and yellow pages cut out. 

I am begging for somehow the corridors to end and how all my memories and old lost dreams seem to be misguiding me as I keep walking, my body still shaking. I don’t even know what to reply to one of the halves and why is he here and why is Matt not here, is it because his tongue is down Breana’s throat right now and his mouth always taste of another blokes’ that she never noticed? How long have they known each other?

I want him out.

“I’m Julian. Look, I’m sorry that you... walked in on us, I guess it’s better than if I was blowing him off or something no? I mean, you could’ve walked on me getting the cum out of my hair or something. That would be odd...” He stops. I just stop to stare at him. He hugs himself, but still tries to look at me in the eye for a moment he seems to try to put his guard up, but instead he just smiles a bit forcibly. 

“Look, Matt cares about you, that doesn’t... change anything. I mean, not that he wants to fuck you, I mean, well, not that I’m aware of and...” I don’t pin him against the wall, I just feel my teeth clenched too tight together and I’m nearly next to Biology. 

“I’ve got Biology.” I actually snap and I want to actually shove him against the wall and do the same with Matt, my close friend who I wasn’t even aware of that he was banging some other bloke. 

“But we’ve still got the break...” His eyes widen. Julian holds up his hands. “Oh, right, of course! Shit, man, I forgot. Yeah. Fuck, I forgot.”

He goes silent and starts digging into his pockets. 

I don’t even get to say a what. 

“I had it...” He takes out a wrapper from his back pocket and I look at the brown wrapper. “Whiskey flavoured.”

I actually shove him lightly, just for my content and I open the door, closing it behind me as I see Alex spin on his chair before he grins seeing me, we both have a moment when our mind rushes to the contents where we had to see each other this morning, but we ruffle it off. Alex motions for me to lock the door and I do.

I think when your world collapses, you let your tension build up and I think that’s what happened to us and I meet him half way and I pull him close by the lab coat, letting my fantasies unravel as I take his coat off and pull his t-shirt up, biting his neck and letting my lips travel to his chest as I bite his nipple, hardening from his reaction as I start kissing my way down as Alex leans against the table. I go down on my knees.

“Don’t you want to fuck me facing the table?” He smirks, his breathing much heavier and his hand pulling my hair as I am kissing right above his jeans line. I lick the skin as I start unzipping his jeans, flipping him off as I kiss him over the fabric as well, anxious about the lack of time but I don’t bother waiting, my mind far too contaminated with sex and thoughts luring me in as I pull his underwear down, feeling bad for some odd reason as I glance around remembering how I’d listen on all random places and with that odd thought I recall the first time I had seen Alex goof off and how he always does before the lesson.

I think guilty of me for hoping that sometimes I had passed in his thoughts, even if I was a mere wonderer. 

-

I'm sorry that's it's nearly been two months without GI, as a lot of things showed up with my own discrimination situation and it had been quite rough and I started letting out my feelings in this chapter in the beginning, slowly paragraph by paragraph as it was hard to write and as the situation went on, it was hard to recall things which had happened and I felt horrid for Miles and thankful for Al in the story. 

GI still has a massive plot in the whole of homophobia and the education system, how it discriminates, so yeah. But today I just felt like going on forwards as I have days when I don't actually feel like writing about super depressed stuff haha xD While I was talking to my gf I started discussing Julian how he is going to show up in this chapter of GI and she was getting scared because she had no idea what he's doing here xD 

Julian in GI and his plot came from seeing some photo of him I can't recall now unfortunately and his whole plot came to me a long while ago and here he is and I was scared of using him as I love Matt and Breana, but I still want to go forward with this plot and there's a lot for them in store as well, so yeah.

And um the sex scene? Oh everyone is fucking all the time in my stories already and when you're tense you either want to fuck all the time or you don't and I can't blame either of them I'd fuck either or both o.o

I hope you enjoyed it and I hope I'll have more updates now :O

Feel free to request and tell me what you think:3

<3

Disaster

I don’t know who am I and I have too many thoughts running through my head, too many things locked away in a chest and I think the only thing which calms me down is the fact that I don’t think she knows either. Looking back I wonder how long have I been hiding this from myself, not knowing who am I, all thoughts bundled up and trying different things from chugging a bottle of booze gotten at a party and sitting close pointing at all the couples and wondering what is supposed to be attractive in boys.

I think I was the one who flung faster away than she did, she still tried, yet I was the first one to dip in the pool, everyone watching that someone older than anyone they had ever held hands with was with me instead of me just doodling and laughing with Marina sitting side by side and sometimes wearing matching shirts without knowing it.

I had been the one who had dyed her hair blonde as it had started to grow out and I had sulked when she had told me not to redo the roots even if it had looked good, I still felt sad  that she wouldn’t let me touch her hair and apply the dye to her roots as she’d keep glancing at the mirror. She had grown confident with a boy under her arm, yet she always made sure that her phone was turned off, keeping them at a horrid distance and I was happy that I wasn’t on the other end of the turned off phone and I wonder why.

The thoughts started creeping in, those which seem to shimmer during childhood, the clinginess to friends which are long gone and people asking if I were into girls and how my ex-boyfriend had asked me to make out with another girl for pure amusement. 

It had been on a different party, I didn’t seem to appeal to anyone and declining seemed to me like killing off the party so a black haired girl who claimed to be bisexual had kissed me, it had been a soft peck, but it had amused everyone and I had kissed her back before she had pulled back in, licking my lips and we had done a full french, whistling people and people commenting how hot that had been. 

I had been intoxicated and I had no guts to talk to her, only during the cigarette break I had done myself she had approached me and I had looked at her gold boots. 

“You seem nice.” She had paused, pushing her dark hair back. “I felt like we had an instant connection.”

I wasn’t thinking. 

“Me too.” I had smiled and I just thought that it had been due to the kiss, but soon enough her hands were entangled in another’s man’s hair and I had left to shortly get dumped by my said older boyfriend, not to try again and see Marina head off with more men, keeping even two at once, one being the Saturday one and the other the Sunday, she’d even call them that to their faces they just thought it had been due to their usual date day. They didn’t find out, Marina making sure and she had told me that drawing a heart on her cheek. 

I think the word doesn’t scare me because everything seems to flash far too naturally, but it’s the fact that I’ll be seen as something obscure, something deviant and because it is so queer with black paint throw on it that I might not get love back by the girl who travels through my mind. But the feeling spreads shot after shot, making me drunk, that when I stand the world spins and the pulse increases shooting through my ear. 

And what scares me is that I don’t know how will it unfold when we sit in class next to each other and Marina just doodles a few hearts and how her heels is going through her ex’s eye. 

I wonder too much and I long too much, my thoughts dissolving in the night as I’d fall asleep thinking of her back and weighting too many words which she’d spoken and clinging to insignificant looks when I know that none of them meant anything and I wondered how much would I hold until I would start wondering instead of tearing the wallpaper down with my nails in my mind, not even because it irritates me but because at night something yellow seems like a pleasant blanket to carry over the shoulders to a reality where my feet will wander by themselves and any turn can be unexpected. 

The more I feel the more I see that the withdrawal of her is like heroin withdrawal at a power higher than the one when I get her touch on my forehead at random moments when she just tries to be friendly.

“So do you have a crush on anyone, someone who makes your blood boil because they’re looking at someone else?” She asks me as she does her nails between classes with a file and I look at the small sunflowers she had read how to do online a few days before I had to give her some tips, which didn’t work for me but worked for her. Anxiety takes me by the throat and the next few days is when the click of her heels behind me rings that question again and again. 

“You should be cold towards them if you want them to notice you.” Marina had said her verdict sipping on a glass of coke as I was flicking channels, sitting on the floor, her on the couch as she took a strand of my hair after putting the glass down and took a few more strands and started braiding my hair. 

My heart is broken with paranoia and fear. With saying the wrong things and allowing the wrong actions to commence.

I can’t tell her that she’s driving me insane, flicking through television at night, neither of us yet in pajamas and the thought of sleeping over giving only me perverted thoughts and the fact that it’s the first one which is actually triggering me to lay my eyes on her. I think I’m also the ignorant here between the dance we’re both doing, maybe I think about dancing too much because we had used to be partners, both of switching, because neither of us could find a male partner and now I wonder is it simply because God had intended neither of us to have a male lover to depend on and all seemed distant. So she keeps doing her nails with the sunflowers and I wonder how will I let the night last and dissolve without even asking her anything.

I wonder how long will I be able to keep my thoughts under the lock when I believe that my looks and how I hold her longer, pulling her closer will keep both of us oblivious and I keep looking at her lips under the pink gloss and then she looks at me and I can only pray to keep imagining a crystal clear image of both of us kissing. But it doesn’t last long as she smiles and shifts her attention back to the television screen. 

Then as if she couldn’t hold anymore, she turns towards me her blonde locks bouncing and I want to put my hand in her hair, ruffle it as we grind against each other. My whole body aching now as well, as I don’t think I can focus on her words and even rivalry seems so distant to even consider. 

Her dark eyes sparkle, but I try to live under the illusion that when her mouth speaks of the male crush, how I have to try and guess as she sits facing me in a half turn playing with the nail file, a bit embarrassed as if I were her mother and she were confessing a crush, she always gets shy even if it’s never seen and boys are always under her heel. 

As Marina keeps describing him she keeps flicking through the channels, the time much after midnight and the parents gone to some event and of course it never occurs to them that Lana might just be into Marina and her only thoughts are to go down on her. I think even my own lust has overshadowed my love, the realization just dawns on me, overthrowing all my reasoning as I watch her talk of this Matthew who had managed to sleep with someone else I wasn’t too close with and I watch her talk.

“But that’s the thing... I know he has sex, but I need to hold myself, y’know.” Her voice intoxicates me and I want to mute her thoughts of other men, but then it’s not just men, it’s other people.

“So?” Is the only thing I say and I’m sitting in a hoodie, facing her and she’s in a pink dress, I couldn’t be bothered my fingers trembling that I could barely apply eyeshadow and mascara today with the thought that I’d see her again and let my mind get an image of us kissing once more. 

“Of course I’d be sexually frustrated-” She stops smiling lightly, all we’ve done is gone to a sex store once and poked each other with dildos and left it. I had managed to get my courage and buy an item which I had discarded for a month and then started using the vibrator, but that was something I wanted out of my mind for the moment and the image of putting it inside Marina seemed far too tempting. I gulped. 

I laugh lightly, lowering my head down and Marina just laughs as she reaches the collection of porn channels. 

“You’ve got a wide variety, Lana.” She smirks and keeps flicking through all the girls which encourage you to call them until she stops at some lesbian porn, at least a scene as far as I’m aware of and that’s when my cheeks flush and Marina grins, biting her lip and we watch the girls in silent for a while as they are still undressing and it makes me feel far too uneasy, it triggers too much and I feel quite wet and I feel as if she’s teasing me and I notice that her own eyes are glued on the screen. Not everyone is 100% heterosexual. I guess I’m trying to either stretch or squeeze in the 1%. 

I keep watching her and I don’t do anything and frankly I get more aroused from looking at her. I don’t know what to do and I just watch the two girls please each other and the setting is so cliche even among me and Marina but then that’s how you learn about sex, it’s usually someone showing you or flicking through a porn mag, both heads bent down and wondering if anyone would catch. 

My body aches all over from not touching her everywhere. I think the tragedy of humanity is that we don’t know what the other wants and sometimes neither does the other person you think about, so I don’t do anything even if my mind had let me wonder thinking that I could just kiss her and everything would evolve, even if I had acted she still has her boyfriend which she will wank to by herself and bat her eyelashes to tease him and I don’t think I like the concept of friends with benefits, so all I do is smirk it off, not mentioning all the love I’ve written on my cheeks and I flick the channel off for her to just bat her eyelashes at me too, hiding her thoughts as well but a different light of desire to exclaim under. 

-

This is a bit of a request jump but I've been writing this for quite a while and rather slowly letting everything change and flow with my mood and course of life, I guess. 

The idea for the title was Queen of Disaster then I was thinking plural before just leaving Disaster. The idea for Marina to be paired up with Lana was pretty simple as Marina is good looking and she has something about her even if I don't really like her songs which is the opposite of Lana who I adore. I love Lana and yeah djgjhvgjs Of course the ideas of Lana and Marina were based because I love Lana, she likes Marina pretty much, even if the characters specifically don't match us and frankly I'll talk more on Marina later as the story progresses as she'll have a trait which I have which will be I guess a key in the story

Of course bear in mind like any break up, it has its colours down on your life and thoughts, so yeah. So the chapter was going to end with another turn, but I'll keep quiet because it might progress still that way later. So of course I've been more moody and Callie has been supportive as always, I guess if it's not obvious or if you've missed it, I'm poly and I think I've reached a point where I've accepted or coming to accept myself. 

I hope you enjoyed the story and I'm sorry for not updating too often and I'll try to write more, I'm sorry and yeah depression has also been the brick on my head, pulling me down and frankly I think I've been like Stephen from Well of Loneliness when Angela leaves her and she has the depression where you simply can't write, but I'll try to turn it around

So basically if you like any of my stories say so and poke me to write the next chapter, I'd love to and in general I'm happy to chat about anything right now, so feel free to poke me on tumblr I'm pretty friendly even if moody xD

And tell me if you enjoyed it and request a new chapter

Anyways, thank you

And all of a sudden Jack White has the best break up songs. 

<3

To Miles 23

My heart is racing under my tongue and my body is fully given to Matt. The jaws of anxiety have seemed to unclench and too much is put at stake in the open air as we continue eating and the silence which holds is far too thin to even notice. I think loving Matt is like an open wound to the chest, affecting the lungs, ceasing the breathing. 

There is a bizarre feeling of guilt and pleasure as anxiety and fear intertwine making a rough rope which seems to choke me around the throat. 

The feeling of love makes everything worse and we pay and walk out just as silent, we both know the natural progression and what is on each other’s minds. I’ve got a whirlwind of emotions which fogs me up entirely and I can’t help but think of Miles as I stand outside the hotel, wishing that I were to see my former lover, but I think I’ve had enough luck on my side. I smoke a cigarette, giving Matt enough time to book the room and I wonder if I will ever have the guts to touch him, but the tables have surely turned and they seem to be in our favor. All of a sudden it’s not even me anymore, but it’s him and it’s in his eyes and it all seems to shatter everything. I take one last drag before just throwing it on the pavement and rubbing it deeper with my heel. 

Walking in is bizarre because frankly everyone still is under the impression that the navy are a bunch of men jolly protecting the country, so me heading upstairs is also seen as something innocent and never ever gay. The bitterness under my tongue stings as I meet Matt near the elevator and we head in, not touching and even having our backs pressed against opposite walls. I don’t look at him and I know that it’s stupid if I don’t go for it because I don’t know if he ever will again.

The keys open the door far too swiftly and the room seems too empty and cold. I don’t move when the door is closed, I just keep still and I look at the window blinds as I feel Matt squeeze my bottom lip between his thumb and index finger and I look at him before he moves closer.

I feel terrified all of a sudden and I’m scared of his kiss as he leans in.

“Fuck you.” He stops, lips nearly on my own. My eyes are closed and I’m trembling. I don’t know what I’m doing. He’s a coward. I stop him before he says my name by actually pushing him onto the bed harshly and going on top of him, making out, biting his lips far too harshly. I don’t know if I want this silent vow with only our heavy breathing as Matt takes off my shirt and starts biting the skin on my neck as I just give up and start moaning a horrid sense of deja vu from all the times I’ve touched myself to and hoped that he would. And when his hand goes to my zipper I can’t help but moan, stopping everything as I press my head against his shoulder, sucking on the skin gently as he starts stroking me over the fabric. Maybe I don’t need anything else. It feels oddly enough, yet feels as if it’s about to spill as I lean my head back, his lips back on my neck.

I wonder how often has Matt also thought of this. How much has this went through his head, how much had he wanted me as he pins me down on the bed and I pull his pants down, taking off his shirt, throwing down the damn bear and I remove the rest of the clothing. It’s not that we don’t have enough time, but everything is in a bit too much of a haste and fear as I think that I’m the one who is just as afraid as he is and maybe even more. 

I breathe out as he starts kissing me down, stroking me harder and not letting me touch him as he holds one of my hands down by the wrist and I’m already occupied as he glances at me before taking my cock in his mouth. I bite my bottom lip far too hard, holding from thrusting fully in his mouth as he slowly starts sucking on the tip, still stroking fast and slowly getting more in his mouth as I stop holding and my hard breathing is far more than audible as holds my hand down harshly and I dig my nails into the mattress as he takes his hand off and starts booming me. I stop holding and moan fully, the fact that the walls might be thin just coming in the back of my head as he starts sucking harder. I get my other hand and place it on his head, holding him down so that he’ll take more in. 

I keep thrusting deeply into his mouth, getting very near as Matt keeps sucking on, licking and driving me very close to the edge as I keep moaning, hoping that people just think that I’m just fucking some girl far too audibly which sounds absurd, but Matt gets my thinking way off, turning it off completely and I don’t even comprehend when he pulls me out and I just stare at him, not even able to say anything as he goes on top of me and I just close my eyes in pleasure as he pulls me closer to him, letting his tongue deep in my mouth, making out, pulling me closer and riding me. 

I moan heavily with my breathe intertwined as I thrust all my energy going somewhere to hold as he keeps thrusting against me as I am very near, but Matt slows down every fucking time he sees my body relaxing and I grunt every fucking time and then I don’t hold and I pull him closer, taking his cock in my hand and stroking it as fast as I can and I press a rough kiss against his lips, glancing at him and we both dissolve, coming and letting out the breaths we’ve been holding, gasping for air in the last moments of orgasm and Matt collapses against me as I keep trying to even my breath, holding him tightly and kissing his forehead, my mind a bewildered playground full with fences hiding fear behind it. But for now I’m happy on the swings with Matt. 

My heart aches as we get under the soiled covers, not bothered and I stare at the ceiling, the words resting on my lips far too easily, but neither of us says anything. 

I turn to look at him, a bit broken and instead we just give in to look at each other, the same way we’ve always had but it’s different this time, we both know that there’s no major lies, the main act has decided to take it’s course and here we are, post-sex in the stuffy room which hints far too much what we’ve done, if you ignore the two naked men in bed. 

We’re on the brink and I keep my eyes closed, it’s not that there isn’t any magic, it’s more that it’s fading away, Matt’s not moving closer, it feels as if we were just trying to achieve something closer, as if the fact that we had fucked-

I never heard that he loves me from his own mouth and technically mine can also be muted by memory as my thoughts are just white noise and I open my eyes, wondering if I can be by a lake with humming bugs and just read something or if Matt can mock me for my Wilde hair. And I’m not sure I want that anymore, maybe I just want to sulk after Miles, I honestly don’t know and I think we both do what we do best. It’s time for both of us to slowly start heading back anyway and I sit up first, grabbing the pants from under the bed and spotting the rest of everything, even the damn bear lying around. I feel like I’ve fucked a thousand men which is far from the truth and I just feel Matt’s eyes on me. 

I wished I was Wilde without the trials and the lover which dragged on, I didn’t really have thoughts of other men and even now with Miles entirely taking over my mind, his hands on my cheeks as he stands behind me and pulls me lower but not low enough to see him and I can only imagine his cropped hair, grin and light accent. I can only imagine his long fingers which I feel and I wonder why didn’t I pay more attention to how he smokes, how he drinks coffee, when it was all carefree when he would try to open the hatch, I wish I could relive that small moment when I had met his dark brown eyes and how everything seemed to freeze like midnight on New Year’s Eve when it turns the clock and you know you’re gone, but you’re left and you’re pushed forward to another year of life, something unexpected and only by the end I’ll truly know if I can regret this year or not.

I put on my shirt and I do my pants, Matt slowly standing up. I wonder if he knows and he walks up to me and my lips ache for his touch, I don’t know if I love or I have loved. It’s a part of me which I don’t know when expires or will expire so we look at each other, a bit too softly, both lost as Matt breaks it and picks his own clothing and I wonder what do the cleaners think of the soiled sheets, if they know or if they think they have never crossed paths with a gay man in their lives, let alone two who have their feelings so twisted. I don’t even know which new love erased or overwrote the old one and I don’t even know which feelings are the new ones and where they are pulling me apart to, what’s the substitute for all of this. 

Sometimes even looking at Wilde, being dead sounds appealing because there had been something mutual which had went on instead of this twisted dancing in the corner and eyes closed with a palm with lips ready for some shattered kiss. And I don’t know how I feel about Matt’s desire not to be seen, which is arguable because we all don’t want to, but something about it bothers me, maybe because just like when I had kissed him, I had felt blessed that this mistake had been done in my favour. 

My mind is a seesaw with fuck it on one end and the other with why the fuck don’t I suck it up? I feel guilty for bringing this as we both do our shoes, make the bed, which is pretty much high evidence and I could see the flashes as we get our numbers issued and I;m sure I’d try to stretch my arm in front my eyes, squinting. 

When we leave all I can do is extract a cigarette with aching hands. I feel empty, yet the emptiness is giving my body an insane pressure building inside which seems to try an shatter me but the skin is holding me intact as the lower layer aches, leaving me air headed and wishing I could take a shower and faint in it.

We depart, no words said, Matt being too much of a coward up to the point that I have no energy to grab him by his shoulders and shake him, I just can’t. It’s odd to leave him again and I try not to look back, getting another cigarette and wondering where would Julian be but the bed covers over my head seem like a good option, the last thing I do is head into a bookstore, just rummaging through the titles, as I’m not to far off from the ship and I’ve got plenty time and I could see anyone, but everyone is already a slap in the face as I wonder if I can still write letters to Matt and what the fuck would happen and how come my mind had erased our last encounter so fast yet my whole body is trembling. I don’t bother much once I see a queer women’s book, it seems a fair choice rather than reading something about people who I will never be close to and I’ve heard Lana talk of it, that she had wanted a copy. I could give it to her later. I flick it through quickly and losing the beloved sounds like a lovely read at this point and I buy it from a queen who eyes me and I just keep looking at the entrance as I pay and eventually leave, the book wrapped properly as I make my way on board. I see Julian already who is smoking and talking to Carlos which seems a bit soothing. 

I feel a bit weak in the knees as I head back to the bunk, my mind flirting with Matt and his body in my mind as I just head back, thankful to avoid everyone in my path, wondering if Julian and Carlos were some on and off lovers and maybe in some obscure world he was the best lover of all, but imagining Carlos coming was enough to get that though stashed deeply in my trash. 

I stick the book still wrapped in the coffin locker and I take off my clothes, leaving myself in just undewear as I head to the switch and for some odd reason I check all the bunks and Miles’ neatly done. The ache to climb into his and fake drunkness just to feel his smell seems to intoxicate me, but I just turn the lights off to turn off the damn urge and I head to mine. I keep my eyes closed too long, tracing the bottom of the upper bunk before I head to an odd dream where Carlos is a poet and he tells me to listen to his poem and the poem goes something like this:

When I wash my face 
And I lean my head back
The water makes me cry 
Tears which aren’t mine-

And then I feel two strong arms pull me by the shoulders, my eyes spring open as soon as my head collides against the top bunk and the light is on and I’m yanked out of the bed, pinned against the bunks and Miles is shaking but before I realize that he’s sobbing he takes a deep breath and punches me, hitting my cheek, as I feel the splitting pain, my cheek bleeding, Miles voice breaks and there’s not enough space for us to bend in two, so he just punches me again, his whole body sobbing

“Pete is dead.” 

-

I'm sorry for the short chapter but it's… awfully eventful? 

Unfortunately Pete's death was planned very early, I think all the deaths were planned very early, so now it's pretty much waiting for each death to unfold. I guess I've tried warning just in case, because it pains me but I've know his death for so long and well more should be in the next chapter and I am highly sorry and I've spoken before that To Miles is kind of in two parts, well, I think in a few chapters part 1 will come to a close and yeah, more deaths will follow, but I don't know but Pete's is really tragic. 

I'm sorry it's been a while and yeah, Matt and Alex are going as planned, even if the sex and encounter wasn't planned. 

The odd poem was actually more awful in my head as I was washing my face xD 

I hope you… enjoyed it and thank you

Feel free to request

<3

To Miles 24

Both Sides

Anxiety rides within me as I wait and he hadn’t even called me at midnight and the only soothing thought with no excuse is the fact that he had agreed as I had shooed everyone off, drinking already in the morning, refusing all the calls and flicking through the channels and getting e-mailed photos of them skiing outside, Christmas specials still making their way in, maybe because they think that because some decorations are still up, the Grinch can still be shoved down the throat. 

The pause had been enormous and Arielle was shoved at the back of the day and I still wonder how long can I lie to myself about her, how long will she believe it or the google searches to raise her to fame (which is not happening) worth it and frankly, we haven’t touched each other, just sat to watch Breaking Bad with waffles neither done by us and barely a word exchanged and it makes me question how does a relationship like this fly

But then I’m really not better with Miles.

A lot of alcohol later up to the point that every movement feels like I’m at sea and I open the door even before he gets to properly ring it and he’s there in that Paul Weller shirt and a small smile crosses his lips, a vinyl tucked under his arm and the coat already opened.

Why is he such a sucker after all these years. I don’t know how he buys all of this, but he hardens as he enters the apartment, kicking his shoes off and doesn’t utter a word, raising a brow at the coat of Arielle and I can see that he’d rather chuck it away. I don’t think our relationship makes any sense as well. 

I can only calm myself down by saying that relationships are complex, when I don’t have an excuse myself, pushing Miles away every single time anyone would glance at us, even James Ford was heavily shrugged off when he had spoken to us, saying that he didn’t care even if I had been dating Alexa.

It seemed like an odd deal with the devil, the downside to the calm romance was the fact that my heart was never fully in it, all of it stolen and kept hidden by Miles long ago. 

I don’t even know how much our love had managed to grow between us that I’m used even with him standing in silence, watching me and it’s not long before he pulls me into a brief hug. 

“Happy Birthday, Al.” And I don’t know how many apologies I should issue, how many years have I tortured him and it’s already 11, nearly a teenager and there’s also an excuse just to never walk hand in hand the fear coming to face ever since I’ve heard about how I’d be chucked on the street the fear grew expecting everything even the music to abandon me. Sometimes I’d even think of Miles abandoning me. Maybe it’s myself that I’d abandon, I don’t know, I’d leave myself, I feel like everything I do is just forced upon me to choke. 

The fear takes me even further and holds tight onto me until I take Miles by his chin and I press my lips against his. Miles doesn’t move and instead pushes me away. We just stand silently. 

I feel like the whole holiday had been a pendulum swinging back and forth as we’d eye each other, the vacation being both of us together again but yet so far apart and we’d sit at opposite sides of the table and Miles being the only one without a +1 or maybe it was Arielle who was the one without the +1, heading over to spa procedures without anyone else as Cookie and Katie kept dragging everyone to the skiis and I’d keep falling, Miles far too well and I wish I could just keep up, instead of watching him reach the end of the slope and I’d try again. Sometimes it would feel far too mutual, I can’t blame him because I was the first one to push him off, but he was the one who’d always refuse when we’d both be single in one breath against my lips and everything would be shattered. 

Every single attempt feels like a rigged throw of the dice and sometimes it happens. 

“You’re with Arielle!” Miles exclaims, yet puts the vinyl gently on the bedside table, crossing over to the room and now he’s only in the shirt, biting his bottom lip, his mind hazy just as mine from the brief kiss we had just shared. 

“And do you fucking see her fucking here?!” I yell even louder and I cross closer to him, grabbing him by the wrist and I know I’ve done too much, yet I hold and Miles tries to look away. Sometimes I get too irritated that I’m the only one who initiates even if it’s all my fault and I wait for him to break, to get the ruined strands of the quiff leftovers out of my eyes and we hold the kiss. I don’t know if we’re both supposed to shatter or pull each other apart, I don’t think I even know how does love work and what kind of clockwork it is. 

We break the kiss and we’re both over the bed covers and I don’t know where we are both going, but Miles closes his eyes and takes off his shirt before he takes off mine and he keeps his eyes closed, just trailing my chest with his fingers before pulling me closer. He goes on top of me, kissing both of my cheeks before he opens his eyes and slides his tongue in my mouth and I feel empty without him, eager for him to touch me more as he presses his hips against my own. 

“So, is this my birthday gift?” I ask him my hand going to his jeans as I undo his jeans slowly, still scared myself and hiding behind my eager words. We haven’t had sex in a while and frankly not just with Miles, but I haven’t had sex with anybody for a while. 

“No, you wanker, I got you a vinyl.” He bites my neck and sucks on the skin slightly, still holding himself from more movements. I see that he’s just as tense and we are ignoring the elephant in the room and I wonder if she’d watch it just to make a vine about it with herself trying to pull the biggest frown with her wide mouth just to get views and see the popularity collapse surely in her favor. People still seem to think that homosexuality is wrong and being plastered on teenage girls’ walls isn’t helping me in any way either. So how the fuck is everything supposed to spring out of the closet?

“Then what the fuck is this?” I stick my hand in his underwear touching his hard cock. Miles kisses my neck, sliding his tongue down to my shoulder. 

“Moral compensation, Turner. You’re 28, pay up.” And I groan. 

“So the fact that everything I’ve written is about you, isn’t enough?” I smirk, still holding up an act as if I’m onstage but I know he sees through me, maybe that’s why he’s avoiding my gaze as I start stroking him and he himself pulls my jeans off. But then he raises his head and our gazes meet and I think that’s when my act falls through and our lips collide, tongues rubbing harshly, my underwear and everything else is left on the floor as we start grinding against each other, still making out as I stroke Miles’ spine, slightly digging my nails into his skin, tracing as our kisses become broken and I stop to look at him as I slide a finger inside him and Miles closes his eyes, moaning. 

I can’t help but grin and bite his neck as he leans his head back and I finger him deeper, nearly pushing him over, but he pushes me back and I insert a second finger pushing his head down to make out with him as he starts teasing my cock by just tracing his finger on the underline. 

“No, fuck me.” And I slide my fingers out, pushing him on top of me as I position myself and thrust inside him as Miles sits up and thrusts hard against me, causing me to moan. He starts out slowly and I don’t thrust watching him in a haze, it’s been far too long and I’m dying to touch him and after a few lazy thrusts I take his cock in my hand and I start stroking it trying to do it as the same time as he thrusts and Miles’ breathing gets heavier as we both start increasing the speed and I can’t keep my eyes off Miles’ how he rides me, how he arches his back and gasps everytime I go deeper and we both get closer, too turned on by each other, but the closer we get the more Miles starts gasping and I just watch him, him breaking in sweat, gasping mouth open for air and I just keep staring holding myself from coming on the spot as he keeps thrusting against me up and down.

Once he gets near I want to push him back, but instead Miles holds me down, leaning lower to pull me up, wrapping his legs around me as the thrusts are slower but deeper and our tongues out of our mouths, rubbing as I keep rubbing my thumb against the tip of his cock which has pre-cum on it and I tease him by tracing it lower before going back to rough stroking and we increase our pace faster, both of us thrusting now and tongues rubbing faster, moans coming from both as we give our final thrusts before we both cum and Miles pushes his head closer to mine, holding a kiss as we moan into each other’s mouth and after a few thrusts and strokes we both feel all energy leave our bodies as I slowly slide out, breathing just as heavy as Miles. 

We both pull each other closer, as I keep stroking his back, kissing his shoulder as I hear Miles smirk and stroke my hair and then we both get the courage to see each other glowing and I pull him closer to press a kiss against his lips again as it slowly dismantles into a lazy making out session which gets me a bit excited but I’m too knackered and so is Miles, so sleep seems like a better option but once he slips besides me, the nagging thought is still there.

Maybe it’s because I still see Arielle’s coat hanging and I can barely feel her scent while I think I’ve learn all of Miles’ cologne’s through the years and that one time we had used the same one because we wanted to smell like the other and it had carried for a while.

Maybe love is supposed to be that blanket, it’s not that I’m scared of losing him because I’m so used to him besides me, the only monster left is that he’s not with me in the morning as either of us kicks the other out for some obscure reason, just like people think we’re a sin, sometimes we think ourselves that we are the reason as well, but we never ask ourselves to which question are we the reason and answer, maybe it’s because you should ask the question yourself. I lean back. I don’t need to skip steps, because we’ve done so many.

“Will you marry me?” Is the question I ask which is on my lips. 

-

Wow, it started off as angsty and Miles going to Al's apartment and then I realized that Al and Miles are on holiday together for his birthday, so of course that was used. I'm sorry that I'm late I've been really tired and busy, so I'm sorry and I hope you enjoyed it :D and yeah, this is like so fucking cheesy because I wasn't sure I wanted to end it on a sort of is it happy or not note and it is Al's birthday so yeah.

I love them both and I love Alex far too much and yeah.

Anyway, just as requested Milex birthday bumsex XD I hope you enjoyed it and I should have something up soon, I hope tomorrow, I hope XD Anyway, thank you

<3