Sunday, 5 July 2015

Broken Black Varnish Requiem 12

The problem with depression is that once you move in with someone, television and everything will tell you that relationship fades when in reality it’s your mind which is fading, because you were just as miserable and lonely back in the workplace. 

Depression is like an endless ball of yarn, you know it should be over, but no matter how much you pull, the ball is still there and all of a sudden you don’t want to pull anymore. Jamie would still come in and out of our lives and I ended up being one of those people which when quit drop contact and the fact that both me and Alex moved wasn’t helpful either. I wouldn’t drive a hour to see someone I barely cared about when I was there either. So then the question was faced, let’s say my life was interesting because I seemed interesting to people I’d talk to afar, but what about the rest? Where did I lay there? Why couldn’t I even force myself into some pottery class and the thought of other people obsessing with something I just did to get friends was far from tempting. Neither did I ever get on well with women anyway as the years went on. 

All of a sudden I had a day back then when I recalled how much I had wanted to become a mermaid when I was growing up, specifically mesmerized by the scales in the picture books and how they shimmered better than any nail varnish. And I had told Alex that kind of growing up I wanted a girl, so that then I could open the books, we had just moved in and weren’t married yet. It’s one of those memories where you feel awful being ignorant, to which Alex replied that we can never determine the gender and we might find out later who shall the baby be, years on because gender is so complex. I didn’t know what to say at that point and I felt even worse when he bought me a bunch of books, saying to enjoy them regardless and maybe our child would want to be a mermaid as well.

I ended up dreaming of mermaids for a good while again, drawing them and I apologized to Alex, wondering how bad my drawing skills where. And I hadn’t know where to stick that obsession as I just felt frustrated not knowing what story or drawing to do when I had done none, just allowed my memories to whisk me away, but instead Alex would speak to me about it and we would joke.

And here I was, eating Jack’s barbecue and thinking of another man because I couldn’t handle myself in telling Alex anything. I couldn’t say anything or let alone think it, ignoring the phone in my pocket, not guilty enough to leave it at home. And I wondered how come do we fall in love with people we don’t even know and we expect them to act in a certain way. Yet the dreams we have is making out with friends, hell, I’ve even had Jamie to which he teased me for a week and I couldn’t understand why did I even dream of making out with a person I didn’t want at all. And how come Jack had crossed my mind, but I had wanted him as Jamie squirted at him with some kid’s water gun. 

Yeah, I could share. Only would Alex share his mermaid too, when I would never ask and solely cheat, as if cheating was easier?


Today I've been having some odd mermaid obsession and I've been inserting them everywhere because I was thinking wtf do I do since I recently had a selkie story, so I didn't want to repeat and used it this way:)

Also, I'm dying and tired so sorry xD 

I ended up talking a lot about my feelings and kind of projecting them onto Alison, specifically regarding depression how everything just becomes dull and kind of trying to understand that you're miserable roughly everywhere but still managing to find great ways to have fun. (Not in Alison's case right now though.)

I had this crisis where I was like, shite, I have no friends nearby so I gave that to Alison, I'm awfully open here about recent stuff like making out with friends in dreams which I've had since ever and that sucks xD I also wanted to show how we fuck up and may be ignorant and that's shunned, but we all do mistakes and learn. I feel awful for Alex here and I love him.

I didn't want to do another artist, so I kept Alison in the frustration of not being able to express yourself. 

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you

Please tell me if you did



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