To Miles 53

The days seem like a metronome going back and forth, knowing the sound which is the same until night strikes and that’s when everything unfolds in a different light whether it’s smoking inside or playing cards or staring in the eye as we both undress and the more the days go on the more painful the daylight stretches as if skin reminding the pain it is not to have his skin under my fingertips as I trace it, Jamie laying on his back, his breath getting heavier slowly as I trace through everything before taking him in my mouth. All nights would be the same if I hadn’t known what love was and how sweet it was, nulling the night and bringing desire to the table in all it’s side and ways. 

When the sea gets calm, you worry about the storm and that’s how odd it seemed with him lying besides me and it seemed as if Miles’ words had entered the chess game of my mind.

Me and Jamie had no strings attached as we had discussed over a cigarette, joking that maybe at some point we should invite someone in just to fulfill the fantasy of seeing the other get fucked but on discussions of who would it be, the topic died off as we had no idea who we both could even trust besides each other and it seemed like some monogamous ending as Jamie seemed with no one in mind and I could only think of Matt and Miles. 

I couldn’t sleep without Jamie clutching me and I wondered why would I even want to hear Miles’ words again when we had barely spoken, but when there is no one to stop you, you do indeed do stupid things. I poked my ex-lover’s shoulder a few times until he flinched and I could swear I saw a soft surprised look before he hissed what the fuck had I wanted when I stretched out gambled from Jules candy and a pack of cigarettes. You never decline when you’re close to shore and hungry for something which doesn’t crawl out dead from a canteen. 

“The hell do you want, Turner?” Miles asked, his hair longer and he seemed older even if months had only divided kisses and touch. I just shrugged, lighting his cigarette as he leaned in, never enough to tease with dark brown night eyes, never reaching the sunlight.

“Seriously. I don’t think we’re friends, Alex.” He had stated, but curiosity still seemed engraved in him, as if waiting for me to call out on Jamie, so instead I just shrugged, offering to go anywhere to which he snarled the orlop and I shrugged, but never of us moved that direction. You never confess you miss someone, you just dance until you realize you’re dancing. 

Once we try to head out, I start hearing rain, a bit pleased that we wouldn’t be able to head out onto the deck, giving myself a small realization that perhaps this was all a bad idea and I could even turn it into a bad dream and I wondered why the fuck was I even dwelling on Jamie being angry at me for talking to Miles and the thing is he wouldn’t and I couldn’t understand why had the thought of something so soothing bother me or was it simply because I had no Matt anymore, because I would always juggle between a lover and Matt and now I didn’t even know where I lay with the pilot as all we would do is sometimes exchange letters, praying for the best. 

The rain stopped and we walked out, the intense smell of rain mixing with the idle of the sea we had so used to been. I wondered if I would ever get bored of the salt or boats in general and I wondered why had I even hesitated in the beginning to even enter, but I still kept going, only sad that Matt preferred air to sea, when sea offered a degree of comfort and when drunk I told him that I’d rather drown and probably if I ever have to commit suicide for any reason, that would be how I would do, just like people want to die in arms of a beloved I want to die in a blanket of places I’ve worked and seen and swam in as a sailor. And I would’ve loved to drown, wondering how would the waves break last with every final touch and breath and how they would take me, lulling me and tearing my lungs apart to make sure that in death I would breathe as the fish would. 

And we light our cigarettes inside anyway and I prefer it as such and I know that Jamie is long asleep and it’s about one hour until the first sailors wake up and around two to three for everyone else to wake up, so both me and Miles will get more than enough sleep and that is exactly one hour until Jamie wakes up. He never wakes up earlier, knowing when to start the day and how soon he can be dismissed from his abilities as well as actually start reading which is his second favourite part of the day, confessing that the nights spent with me are always his first as he would lay underneath me. 

I smoke silently, recalling how it even is to have him pinned underneath me and choke him as he gets even more turned on as I stroke him, take him in my mouth once I lower myself-

I just cross my legs just in case and I hope that Miles would understand that it’s clearly for a different man who I believe he still lusts after as well. 

“You and Jamie were exclusive, right?” Miles narrows his eyes at me, blowing smoke away as I ask a clearly stupid question.

“Well, yeah, besides my sister, we were exclusive, why the fuck aren’t you asking your lover, Turner?” He hisses back at me and I just focus on his eyes, wondering how long would it take for them to soften, but instead he breaks the eye contact, hugging himself with the other arm. 

“I just wanted to start a discussion, that’s all.” And I pause, barely looking at Kane. “And yeah, it was a stupid question.”

“Even if you want to be friends. I have no interest to gossip about Jamie, so fuck off. If he prefers you, that’s swell, but at least have some decency to talk about him to him. I wouldn’t be doing that-”

“Yeah and you’re not with him.” I say, leaning against the door, watching rain slowly come back from the round window onto the outsides. “I just asked because I’m sleepy and I don’t think since we’re on the same ship we should be like you and Jamie. You’ve got a harsher history and both of you loved each other. You’ve got a rough past, of course you’d break up like that. But we didn’t have that, Miles. I don-”

“I loved you even if it was for a second, Turner. Thanks for doubting me.” And he tightens the grip on himself, inhaling deeper, holding the smoke before surrounding himself in its ash. I look at him a bit confused.

“You just toyed with me for Jamie.” I bite my lip, a bit frustrated and wondering what the hell had I even expected from a conversation with Miles. 

“At least be a man and admit a fucked up love triangle. We were all involved with each other and to a big extent, some smaller, some bigger. Neither can I speak on what’s happening to you and Jamie besides the fact that he’s been reading less and pounding your ass more.” And he says the last part in a jealous low note, but resumes his speech. “I’ll always know how he feels, even when I’m fucking dead-”

And he points at my chest.

“I’ll know how he fucking feels.”

And he shakes once.

“And he fucking loves you.” And then Miles just continues smoking, as if requesting silence for a fallen man and we just continue in silence, until the very end where Miles just quickly looks at me. 

Shrugs.

“Hell, let’s be friends. Even gossip about Jamie if you wish, he is your boyfriend. And I can love you as a friend.” He says quietly and looks at me, still bewildered, confused and a truly lost in love sailor. And once we go back to our bunks, a sadness washes over me with worry and lack of understanding and some loneliness served with nothing at all. I wondered about loneliness as I fell asleep for the brief leftovers of sleep and as usual I dreaded that I had to walk out of Jamie’s room, wondering how much more I could I stretch time and if I would spend it sleeping with him. Probably not, we’d end up fucking. It was always dreadful that either of us would wake up first, shake the other or sometimes we’d both wake and lie there in the dark, staring at each other, a breath away, not daring to confess we’re both already awake.

“Alex, you need to go.”

“No.”

“Alex, you should really get going, love.”

“No.”

“Petty Officer Turner, get the fuck out of my bed.” He’d snap in a mockingly way, where I’d look back at him, a bit confused, Jamie nodding that an order was an order and I’d start dressing up, putting everything on while Jamie would sit on the bed, naked and I wouldn’t be able to dress up without looking at him, knowing how small goodbyes were just as harsh and it varied from day to day if we’d make out or do a brief kiss before leaving alone, clothes neatly put on as if the day had already started. And there would be no turning back until the end of it and the rest would spiral.

I wonder how some men have luck. How some manage to avoid death while others have it around their neck like a rope. I wondered if mine was just slow torture and I wondered how come waking up would ache, with mute noise as I dressed, later than Jamie would, brushing my teeth later with a shower, sticking to Carlos and Julian who had far more facial hair, throwing soap at each other with an irritated Miles telling them to act like men instead of boys.

I wondered when did we even mature because as the years went I just seemed to have more utter confusion and depression on how time went and now I had the baggage of wonder on why had I even been loved now. And that seemed to go in circles sometimes, wondering how come I even ended up being entangled in something people would never experience in their life time and when the thoughts were too dark I wondered how did I even end up being so attracted to him that him pushing me harder, not even allowing me to come would drive me with stronger desire, how come a nightmare had turned out entirely fine and into love and how come everything seemed to spin harder and gain meaning

how come we had found love

I always wondered if he was even a good man, as I washed my face and what had even been my basis to avoid him and discard him as a bad man? Was it love shielding me or was it my fear telling me that I would never be loved, because you’d always hear how homosexuals will never love, how they are doomed, how you should avoid men, men, men

and want a housewife in your house waiting for you from the ship

and that would drive me insane, knowing that Matt would do nothing

the kiss had been sultry, sweet but it was nothing to ease the pain enterily it was solely a colourful placebo until I had met Jamie.

I couldn’t see him casually through out the day, he would only take lunch with us, nose in his book, now reading something new I couldn’t recall, feeling the spoon slip through my fingers for it to only echo as a whisper through the speeches of excited men and through the table where Julian’s dark eyes were fixed on me and he pulled Carlos’ collar, whispering something in his ear and I just bit my bottom lip from collapsing. 

Sometimes the most torturous part of the day had been exactly when the work was done somehow through the whole misery and I wondered what the hell had even been wrong with me and if I should’ve talked to the doctor, but all I could hear was prayers and my parents talking go through me, clawing me from the inside, as I could barely focus to read, not even recalling the book, so I just left for the bathroom to get water, when I saw Julian and Carlos. 

I don’t even recall what they had said to me but at that point I had realized that wives on the shore never mattered and if this ship is full of sinners then maybe it should go down and we would never see the blue sky anyway. We would never see the blue sky-

And I had felt Julian’s hand on my cheek, telling me that I would heal as he had kissed me again, Carlos watching us, as our tongues would intertwine and from the sole shock, I could feel him again. I could feel briefly at least the body of both of them and I wondered if anyone could even see how numbed out I felt, because they ahd been worried or like the rest they had thought that sinners should be greeted with more temptations to not even feel the flames then? Was that the whole plan all along? Was that it?

And feeling their bodies, as they pushed into a cubicle, I wondered how come it had been empty and if they had locked the door, praying that others would use other toilets and as I went down on my knees for Julian, as he made out with Carlos, taking his uniform off I wondered how many nails will we even trace down each other’s skins this evening? And why had we all been doing this, as I felt my cock jump from the sights of Julian as I started licking greedily, pulling my own fly down to touch myself. Juju grabbed Carlos’ cock and I just kept glancing, feeling myself near so I had to drop, the sailor thrusting deep into my mouth that I gagged and that’s when he came down my throat. 

I chocked, coughing as I got patted on the back by a grinning Carlos. Maybe sex wasn’t as long with other people, I wondered, knowing how long love would last between me and Jamie, as Carlos was finished off by Julian.

I still felt everything in my mouth, as Carlos touched me, kissing me, but my mind had been keen on Julian.

Maybe most men weren’t so lucky after all

and we believed in their luck because we could never care. 

And that’s why I cared about Julian.

-

I actually had this done yesterday but I was too knackered to write a backstory (and I am now xD) so I pushed it to today and I hope you'll enjoy it. Sorry that the backstories have been shorter, but I am super busy with work and everything so I kind of filter less and just even more naked truths really and very straight to the point, that's why. I binged this through different days and I guess what stood out was opening the window and writing under some medium rain. I always do.

The last binge was done after watching the latest episode of My Mad Fat Diary which was just heart shattering as they always are. And I kind of need to set the tone for many things so I've been pushing Alex into the right mind set and Julian is finally getting sent off, like Callie said Juju's a hero because he was supposed to sent off instead of Cookie back in chapter 2 or so, so he's been awfully lucky and he has more or less one or so chapters to go (sorry for the spoiler) so it's been a very fun and loved character to write and finally I got Alex into the right mindset and got him to fuck Julian.

I think a lot about sex, flashes or just thinking of it, so it's more of missing and trailing the mind.

I love Alex and Miles' dynamic in this story even if it's been rather slow and I love that now I get to show a more human side of Miles, kind of seeing the villain if you must show some feelings and it's a bit cliche, but I still love it. Miles was originally as the story progressed went on to be a mirror of a failed relationship with my ex but it isn't so these days. Miles ended up deeper and far more broken. But Alex's attachment does echo with the time and that's where I draw inspiration for post-break up feelings. 

When I was growing up I liked the thought of drowning in death, maybe coz I read about someone else saying it, but it still sticks to my head and it fit Alex's thoughts.

I guess I'll remind but Alex's insecurity comes from my own because of my abuse I couldn't believe that someone would love me and the parent speeches are things I've heard.

I love the "I'll know how he feels" which was inspired by how Callie notices every minor detail and every body language on how I am feeling.

The small dialogue was because Callie loves imitating both Alex and Jamie in different comic situations and this was one of them, shamelessly taken with permission xD

I get a kick out of navy, so I allowed them that in bed too.

I loved the whole luck analogy and depression slowly twisting in. You'll read the rest next time

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did please don't be shy to tell me so :3

<3

Jamie