Untitled 5Silence Seems To Feed Us 14

She wakes me up with a sudden long loud noise, as I can’t even comprehend who even takes the couch these days anymore, as it becomes a competition who goes to sleep earlier and she wins with her four a.m. to my loss. 

Maybe love is like friendship where both of us end up drifting and because she thought you don’t have to tell the other, you don’t and then we drifted and because neither of us never stated anything, nothing was ever broken off and then we don’t have to count it as love. 

I just watch her as she drops numerous bottles of paint on the canvas, silently, not even talking, her hair picked up into a rough ponytail as I wonder what had even happened, last night she saw me coming from the gay bar and was just blank for a while. Maybe Brian had come over and made his way inside her mind, telling her of a past I was desperately trying to forget and perhaps more than telling her that I had never been with a woman prior and the only closest thing was Brian who hadn’t been sure of his gender, but our relationship was pretty much gay.

I repress things so badly that I forget they even exist and all I can hear is maybe their hum, once the painting is done in the night and I’ll just assume it’s anger and bits of cigarettes lying all over them with collages, that it was her telling me to fuck off and rightfully so. I watch trash television to the end of the night, as she just walks around, bumping into other people as they go to sleep and she dissents into insomnia and I wake up drooling all over the floor, perhaps wishing that I had been attracted to women from the beginning after all, because then I wouldn’t have a bitchy smoking queen of an ex telling her how gay I had been or even was for that matter and that she had been dating someone who jumped out of the gay pool for a while. 

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHEEKBONE!!! CDGJSCJSGDCJHGSDJCGHDS :D

HAVE A GREAT AND LOVELY BIRTHDAY AND THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO YOU COZ YOU'RE AWESOME :3 

as said this chapter is done as a birthday gift or rather it's update and I'm sorry that it's been rather long since I updated, so that will be fixed now and I'll be picking up the story as I've been fiddling with older Kills stories I've been writing and I should include this one in my list, because I love them loads and it's now over a year that I saw them. Still can't believe it. 

This was pretty much written in one binge and I just had the telly on and no music and I just kept listening to the sound of keys and the telly and that kind of ended up being enough background noise for me to get inspired and write it, to be fairly honest. 

I had to edit it, because my style changed significantly since I wrote the last chapter, so I had to slice up the big paragraphs a bit and then change the second point of view I usually talk to these days in stories to solely Jamie talking to himself here. 

What inspired this, even if I don't enjoy Alison's art much was her desire to paint and I had just read that recent interview with her and I kind of couldn't get the image out of my head of how she was painting really during the specific period I'm writing about.

I got nervous about the whole Brian inclusion in the story today, but I don't think he left so easily that's why I put him for turmoil even if I'm not sure what happened, but we've got to have Jamie's sexuality struggles which seem... obvious

I hope you enjoyed it and once again, Happy Birthday, dear

Tell me if you liked it, regardless of who you are xD

<3

Jamie