Friday, 24 July 2015


Me and Miles weren’t friends out of convenience, it seemed to me that if I were attracted, we’d be dating and I wasn’t because I didn’t want to be with him, while even without knowing Jamie something triggered me, which shook me, because it’s odd when you don’t realize when Jamie would walk with Miles from class, a cigarette behind his ear already. 

I just pause to see him, also a bit lost with a small smile. Miles does a quiet click with his tongue and I see him rocking on heels, about to leave but besides to stay to observe us and drink his bitter tea feelings. Falling asleep next to Miles, knowing was comforting, yet alert for the first time of the change of scenery. It still felt odd, the taste still within my mouth, lips burning and the conversation just ended up being wood thrown into the fire and I wished that I had been in bed with him, an arm wrapped around me.

Dog barking woke me up and Miles as well, both of us dazzled. 

Jamie takes the cigarette into his mouth and his eyes wander to the glass door to exit the college and I wonder if I can grab his cigarette just to make him walk after me, but instead he bites the tip lightly and he motions to join him and we walk, Miles with his amused grin as if he had caught us fucking. Jamie quickly glances at Miles and my best friend just puts his hands in the air and makes his way back to the canteen, I presume. Once I glance back, Jamie is already inhaling his cigarette, his hair messed up already by the strong gust of wind. I wonder if I had imagined the kiss, his lips, a cold shiver runs through my body in excitement as I recall, but either of us doesn’t move. But neither of us are dating and that has to be kept in mind.

That was just a kiss.

Not that I even jerked off to him. And neither can I imagine anything since I don’t even know his feelings, all I know is that he’s a bit too good to be true now and I feel like I’ve entirely unraveled in his arms due to a mere kiss, as if in a fairytale I’ve been woken up. And as I think a girl approaches us with dark hair and they briefly exchange a peck on the cheek, causing me to shiver before she looks at me, rather doubtfully until Jamie whispers something in her ear and she eases just slightly. She also takes a cigarette from Jamie and he offers me one as we all hold our silence, until the bell rings and we all have to depart to different first lesson schedules and I can only think that I need to catch up with Miles and somehow believe that coincidences and actions make up our life and no matter how much we tell ourselves what is accidental and coincidental it makes up our entire existence and there is no denial. Repetition becomes the colours of life as a routine establishes where we can no longer call something a coincidence and even our own actions become sudden and unpredictable, so how can we call all an odd coincidence when the other person had decided to do so? 

I can only think of his dark eyes and how his touch had felt with the sudden kiss he had decided to grace me with and all the words, all the answers came out crumbled in my mind as I would only replay how we had parted, promising to solely meet up at lunch since a five minute break would do us no good and I wondered where would our actions sail us next. I felt awful that my mind had been blank the whole lesson and I couldn’t even try to concentrate to even participate in any way, only been able to send a note to Miles once a few minutes before the break, since we would part and I was waiting for his answer as much as I was waiting for the end of the lesson.

He told me that the girl was Alison and that Jamie had been living at hers, because he had no one else to go to, but he shouldn’t be the one telling me the whole story as Jamie would open up eventually and before Miles could even ask me about anything else, I stood up as soon as the lesson ended, allowing myself to glide through out the whole lessons with him in mind. 

And what is it that causes us to be attracted to a person and how come can a kiss shift tides and regain balance on sexuality, when you’re not sure about anything? Would Jamie be a sole crush who had managed to get physical with or was it something truly else to blossom and how come I had gotten attracted from one brief kiss? And what was attraction anyway and how come we could write with it like chalk on a blackboard? And how come it scared me to death to be rejected by someone who I knew only knew Miles and I had seen live and is that enough to fall in love with a musician no matter how small and local? And since when does a kiss make you delusional? Where does fear end in the dark? 

The last half until I get to see him gets even worse, because there is literally nothing to do once you’re done with your math exercises, but you still have to sit, musing what else is there to do and wondering what to even say. How do you even get to know a person? And I just think of how different we both seem to be in the morning instead of tongue in the cheek jokes which he had been filled with in the night or his confidence, as we both seem to be wrecks of society and confusion and -

Miles nudges me again, concerned and I see in his eyes confusion from my fire because he’s never seen me like this, hell, I haven’t seen myself like this. And Miles isn’t the one who would be seeing me like this either. 

Only by the end of the lesson, I actually start wondering how come he has to actually live at Alison’s and how come it so happened and I seem to be so absorbed into my love bubble that I don’t even feel jealousy solely because he had kissed me and I seem to already have faith in him. And I were to be called an idiot, I would understand the rush of faith, because isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? 

I’ve always been a late bloomer, wondering how come I’ve enjoyed Miles’ presence and going to gay bars with him, even if I would have my nose into the phone, that maybe it was because I knew that I would fit in or maybe I always have and just wasn’t interested in the men around there? And the bell rings when I imagine how it would’ve been meeting him there and sharing some drink, talking, about music or literature but just talking and not making a fool out of each other in karaoke and maybe kissing again. My mind does wonders and draws swirls, as I just head downstairs to the canteen. 


I once there's some love progression sometimes freak to be awfully honest and that's why Canteen had been pushed away for so long, because I was terrified that it wasn't good enough. 

I still kept coming back to this story and I randomly felt like it and binged it through, so that's pretty much all the magic. The part where I paused was where he meets Jamie really.

Me and Callie ended up in a discussion where I thought that I had told about the Alison plotline but I didn't, so I still have that wrapped up, but we both swore that it had been written down. So there's more of that ahead. 

I was dead terrified writing this and this actually ended up playing in my favor and I ended up writing something I hadn't written in a good while and kind of roughly growing up made me I guess grown-up so I forgot what was it, to have your heart rushing from your crush and awaiting to see them in the corridor or whatnot or how does it feel not to know what will be going on, what will happen. That slipped my mind, that it existed since I kind of have different loves now and in general you grow up from different things and I guess that rush of emotions is one of them which my anxiety gifted back to me to experience through a story. It's odd to write backgrounds now because most of it ends up being either story telling or nostalgic or based off loves I've got now, really, so yeah, it's all more about shoving everything into the story now and being more of a story teller rather than saying what inspired me, but hey the backstories remain and this is a part of it.

Also being so airheaded you don't care about competition ahahhah xD I didn't even notice I was cheated on twice or more. 

I guess the closest I could relate to was being randomly kissed without knowing by a girl which I really didn't have a crush on, but unlike other girls which have kissed me, I didn't mind that one and that shifted my mind a bit at the time. I had to stop talking to her because she stole my close friend's boyfriend and had sex with him or something, which when you're a mid teen is a big deal.

The last word canteen is obviously intentional xD

and in general I like stories which discover sexuality and this is one of them.

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did, I've been rather anxious lately

thank you



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