airshow whore

I looked at her breathing. That only reminded me that the frustration assembled and all of this had done nothing, no matter how now she curled up, at ease from me holding my eyes closed for a few minutes prior. She was doing as told, when every stretch was paid to the end of the weekend. I didn’t even know how she felt about it and none was asked what was even the point of her dragging along, but that had been the girlfriend experience, wasn’t it? Not to feel lonely not just in the sheets. 

During sleep I swear I could see planes and if I opened my eyes wide enough, I could try and scrap at the past mistakes as if they had never existed and all I could do was pray for my mind to repress them and other’s as well, because even a pat on the back is scary but there comes at a time when you need to understand that fear is not the worst outcome of them all. And somehow that should give enough energy to understand that past can be relived through memories and I can find the energy to do it much faster than wait months ahead. 

I kept getting anxious about the girl, sleeping besides me no matter how many more times I would turn to even look at her with her lightened hair and how it was all over the pillow, giving her a sleeping beauty feel as if I had paid for her to sleep with effort as well. The thing seemed surreal enough until it was done and even afterwards I still felt disappointed through all of the mosquitos and her clinging heavily to her feet heels as she would swat them as well. Even the name Arielle was more than a Disney princess name, even if she had told me before we fell asleep that it was also spelled differently through her big lips as I was too anxious to cling onto her. It was like having a bad date which still managed to compensate through everything and the remote areas which had been chosen for the airshow with ridiculous distances between the houses and open fields embracing children’s play. 

That night has fully showed its glimpses nearly for the first time as well, as I had sat up to observe everything in its entirety without the drunk chatter from earlier and allowing the moon to light up the whole forest as if it had been the lukewarm taste of the first bitter spring after months of winter’s cold and eternal darkness which we have all learnt to live with as we’d escalate aimlessly in life. 

Waking up with her was even more odd, as she had already dressed up as if she had known and just lay besides me on the bed, watching me sleep and that had made me rather uneasy, maybe the whole fact that I just had someone besides me was making me awfully uncomfortable, embracing an old uncomfortable feeling as if I had lost my virginity once more, which wasn’t as thrilling. It felt as if that had been it and the only excitement I had gotten was the pat on the back from my mates for even doing it and not being the last one as they had teased me. I also wondered how come I had been the only one who wasn’t excited about this prospect at all, as I seemed far too stuck in the idea of yesterday, that I’ve still got to lose my virginity and no one seemed to even brush the subject of love besides Alexa’s eyes which had been gleefully trying to squeeze it out of me until I couldn’t stand it anymore and had gotten her denim jacket in my face, once I had broken up with her. I got told that we didn’t make love and that we just fucked and I seemed to had been missing the reasoning behind everything then, if it had supposed to be an act of love. 

Recalling Alexa during breakfast in that part of the hotel seemed even more odd and I was  more than sure that Arielle wouldn’t have minded discussing such, but I did and all we had done was small talk starting from that this had been Arielle’s first air show and surely first time where someone had dragged her to one with such intentions. I had asked her not to mask much who she was, as I didn’t need her to pretend that I was frankly hiring a girlfriend, I was choosing to take her with me just not be alone and I had decided that I hadn’t gotten laid in a fair while. Not that it ever bothered me as I never seemed fully satisfied, as if I had been chewing flavorless gum at all times and it so managed to go through life like that, boringly, as I had taken the chairs for both of us, acquiring one for her before we had left the city for the rural air show with all the latest planes probably filled with people taking photos just to see what were the latest planes. After all, we’re always curious in where can we die I guess, or how we can defend ourselves. 

But then depression should end up giving a mellow melancholy and I only knew that I would manage somehow to get out of the lukewarm water into the hot tub just for a while, feeling as if I had been a young boy once more, not knowing how the fuck would I even crawl into a plane or how to even make it a career and I still had no idea, drowning in paperwork and wondering why does it so happen that for the simplest of jobs we still end up getting paid well by the roll of the dice, just for sorting, just for writing, just for doing things hour by hour and goofing off by goofing off. 

I was still surprised just like any time, that there were always a lot of people and some which wouldn’t attend were sitting on the streets with enormous camera lenses just to capture photos, already stacked with food, which I had forgotten to bring, while holding Arielle’s hand. And the town ends up being divided by those who had decided to attend truthfully and who will watch from a distance or get the euro per cookie stand, have a lucky enough backyard to see everything and hear the airport for the rest of the year, watch the runway be closed down more strictly that one time of the year. 

I carry both chairs, as Arielle still seems confused on why would you even hire someone to go with you to an airshow, but I don’t think even I had the truthful answer because I really didn’t know. Even if there were a lot of people there was plenty of space, even a spot on what you’d call the second row next to some bloke who had decided that this was a suit event in a Beatles haircut, as if that had somehow justified him as he just drank some fizzy drink, recalling the law and probably trying to behave until some decent act would show up instead of a bunch of planes doing V-shapes or last year’s Spitfire which would barely do any tricks, allowing way to everyone else. 

-

I'm sorry for the hiatus, but fuck, I'm so happy to be back and I'll be pushing out stuff back to my usual. Priority first and yeah, it's still a bit hard to write but I'm doing it :D

I had a few very rough days after the airshow but now I'm better so it's easier to differentiate stuff and all :3 and the idea came to me a bit before we went there, as I was dying to write something new and that's what I do when it's hard to write something, so that was done. I think I was too sleepy to tell myself the idea is bad, so I had written the plot in notes on my phone and aproved by Callie I pretty much went greenlit on it.

I quite enjoy Swedish nature, so of course that ends up a rather big factor in the stories which I either set here or are based off here. I don't really specify where this is and the Euro per cookie was said coz it's an easier currency of course and that struck out to me as we were going to the airshow and it had been my first one, so I really wanted to write about that as well. I get nervous what if my life not as thrilling to describe, but I think everyone has that, we all get not bored but melancholic with it, but well, I love my own, I just get scared what if some aspects aren't as interesting, but it's really how all of our lives are built and they are interesting. I mean, what made me open my eyes about that was reading The Catcher In The Rye back when I was 11 or so. 

The title came from the fact that I had decided to call the document that because I had been tired and figured to just call it something to have it saved up. 

Regarding nature I guess another example where I was absorbed into it would be 500. 

I kind of wanted to speak about depression and sort of the idleness of being 20 with a job, it's a good idleness but it gives you a sort of sense of... is this it? Specifically when you have depression and I kind of wanted to give Alex a job which is more monotone, making it more idle, sort of to live up how it is when depression hits you fully in the head and something where you don't concentrate a lot, do simple tasks, it was inspired by the time I had an office job for a brief while. Thank fuck for freelancing, much better xD 

I kind of like touching such subjects as prostitution and see them in a different light or try to rather than what we're forced down our throat this day and just as a job really. 

What held me back was the fact that I was hesitant to write what I was feeling and that's why I gave the second paragraph the proper treatment which helped me write more and here I am with a full fleshed out chapter xD

Also the title goes back that we're pretty much or rather the characters are interested in airshows. I'm a bit pissed off at tumblr, so the title was a bit of a... fuck your censorship and your desire to shame sex workers and said words. 

I mused on who to take and I really don't like Taylor, so I decided on Arielle and Alexa as Alex's ex.

I'm sorry if this chapter ended up much more focused on describing the settings and what not rather than Miles xD which is still does and I couldn't imagine Miles in anything else and I had wanted them younger so here's Beatles Miles really xD 

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please please please make my day and tell me so. I'll push it more earlier then :D

<3

Jamie