Kind of realizing that someone might just still be into men, makes the box you haven’t even opened (the key never locked anything) become a can of worms. It doesn’t make sense why you’re rehashing everything and then that starts including even crushes and realizing how many people had queer thoughts and had surely wanted to bone you. That makes me feel uncomfortable and throws me back into high school, without the drama and without being a teenager but eating the confetti of discarded feelings and instead of does he love me it becomes a fuck, is he queer then? And what the fuck would that have changed? How different would I have acted and was the friendship actually queer at all?
The last night in my apartment had been those thoughts and frustration because sometimes you’re the one who cuts off people and sometimes people cut you off as well and even if you’ll be in their post-mortem memories and if the afterlife is the faces of all the people they’ve known, you’ll be there
but you’ll never know why they stopped talking to you. And I couldn’t find Brian’s profile once I realized it.
And his scent goes up my nose and does from while to while as if I don’t miss him enough.
When it comes to apartments you wonder if the one you had wanted originally is too much and what is too much, how much are you worth for an apartment and what is again too much and too little?
And by the end of the day I can’t find anything and I know that Alison is out of town. I open the said Grindr profile, rubbing my eyes together, knowing far too many people who have couch surfed successfully or ended up stealing a friend’s place for a while. I put my phone in my mouth, waiting for some reaction, holding it with my teeth. I take it out before it vibrates and end up gagging on it somehow.
He doesn’t reply and I just keep messaging everything, realizing that I’d have to store away everything in storage anyway and I just thank the Lord for not having to pack too much, since you end up moving every few months anyway. I end up packing before sunrise and that’s when the phone vibrates to me and I stand scratching my cheek, not even bothering to update Karen and knowing the long day ahead with all the trips to storage again.
I start in the morning without sleep and it’s not even the loss of an apartment which causes my hands to tremble, but the fact that I’ll see him and how confusing it is that life becomes a novel after a novel, that it never sticks to one plot and the summary will never match what actually ends up happening, that it only tells how it starts and then you’ll never know, that’s what would intrigue me as a child far too much, how come all of this happened and how come too many things had entities and filled with magic. But I’d fall asleep before I’d get to the second and sometimes I miss the bed, I miss how it had been smaller, how I’d have teddy bear covers and how I would be idly miserable. I wonder if I’d be proud of myself now, if I would happy with the salary, with the possibilities and still lack of stableness. What would I tell myself, the older self because I’d be more interested if at least some part of me, even younger than me loved me. I wonder if I would still doubt myself and that sticks to me, have I disappointed myself for giving up? And when did I ever give up? Why does it feel that way?
But then maybe we all have miserable, repetitive lives? If that’s what misery is with the ode to a never ending routine cycle with the same amount of friends you hang up on the phone to. If it had been easier I wouldn’t end up getting so manic about seeing everyone again and realizing that the numbness will still not go away no matter how much I’ll rub my wrists together. Seeing people makes you lonelier and just enhances such feelings. Sometimes nothing rubs off and the world will be dull through any kaleidoscope until it’s taken away. I wonder if Jack will take the black and white kaleidoscope away again, because I feel like there’s nothing else to life if I go back to exes which make me feel at least something.
Maybe we shouldn’t tell anyone anything because well miss them, maybe we should’ve never talked. I regret everything without wanting to change anything that I even find myself on the brink of rereading Catcher in the Rye for the gay subtext and actual depth. By the end of the day you’ll find out everything you’ve read is pretty gay enough.
There is only so much past you can just rethink and be nostalgic about and just like reliving it, the colours ran out again until you can’t scrub them anymore. But somehow mine never seem to run out. I seem to deeply regret the whole project, just thinking about it makes me ill and as I pack away, I just unpack the photos I had done already with all the near misses of exes, lost friends, even those who never grasped the fact that I was gay, those who did and by the end of the day there’s not even that many photos because I don’t really have that many Facebook friends I talk to, but it ends up being a lot as I unpack those which I had labelled insignificant with dates that had lasted nearly less than a minute with them posing for the photos. I pack all the photos in a place where I can reach them, realizing that Jack most likely would end up asking me to see them.
I end up going to the storage far too many times with an upcoming scan, feeling my knees weak and listening to the hissing of the landlord for all the time as I’m getting the boxes in the elevator and telling myself that it’s just words and by the end of the day I’ll send the same template e-mail saying that it’s all the same, nothing was done in the contract and it ends up being the same. I end up staying behind and removing stains which were there already, but why not bother a former tenant?
I leave much later that I have to ride the train with a huge box to Jack’s because storage is closed, my whole body still shaking from the experience I could only feel my hands from, pressing my head against the window, wishing that I would somehow feel safe again and wondering when would I even find an apartment and how long would it take again for a landlord to go bonkers again? Even when you nag online everyone had heard of the housing crisis but the problem remains why doesn’t anyone do anything about it when shelter is such a simple thing to provide, it’s not like anyone even dreams about it for free anymore, no matter how much money you’re willing to throw away, you won’t find anything and you’ll be stuck on a couch or in some place with an abusive landlord if lucky.
By the time I get to Jack’s it feels as if I hadn’t left that night and ended up sleeping on his couch all curled up and he just welcomes me in. Maybe I’m not the only one left entangled in the past. And sitting on the train, I finally get a feeling of loss of having no apartment again and nearly as usual.
I start thinking of all the people who have deleted their facebook through the years, as I wondered which ones of them had been because of me as some fall into people I’ve fallen out with, who had decided to block me after years like a friend turned hook up which had blocked me. I didn’t get the chance to mourn them until I had seen that they had deleted when I was going down the list, recalling old mates and classmates which had left without goodbye. Do we rely on facebook to keep in contact then? Does it become a metaphor of leaving people behind then?
The thought keeps trailing in my mind, making ripples and they keep hitting my walls, all these minutes as I hear Jack cleaning up whatever in his apartment, putting the box down and the insides of my soul shred by just thinking that it’s all over again and I’m back with my ex with none of our tongues down anyone’s throats. I don’t even know why can’t life just end. I wished my entire life that the credits would roll and everything else would be calm, but somehow that would never happen no matter how I would try. What happens is that it keeps rolling and rolling and I don’t even think there’s an audience left anymore, but they’re still showing when they’ve cleaned the cinema and we’re long past the due date.
I get the said box in with the suitcase filled with the photos, clothes and all the essentials as Jack just looks at me a bit sad and I can only pray that it’s because of the whole apartment crisis and I wonder how long would it take me to find a stashed photo of his girlfriend or is it wife now? How much had I missed? My brain is slowly turning off and I realize how thirsty I am from all the carrying, my body aching and I still can’t feel my hands properly from all the scrubbing. I try not to think of it far too much, but my head keeps spinning and I just look at my ex. It’s not even that it’s an awful idea, it’s the fact that I would have nowhere to go and I managed to find a solution due to my loneliness, stupidity and this project which scares me. Why don’t the credits roll and why can’t life be much simpler without missing people? Why do we even speak to others? Why do we fall in love isn’t even in consideration. Why do we speak?
-
I actually wrote this yesterday (but thought I'd get to sleep earlier today so left it for today and failed, it's late as fuck xD) but I really wanted this up
It was hard to write it, but I ended up writing it in chunks and actually finished it this morning :)
I've been awfully tired so I've nostalgic of older things and kind of reading on what it is to have a 20 year old middle age crisis which I had given Jamie here and mused on it myself. Some symptoms made sense, but I guess I've just been far too anxious or depressed, I get confused between all my symptoms xD
I kind of had a bunch of crusades due to apartment searching and I'd get asked and told why don't I write about it, even if I touch it briefly so this story got the full treatment on how hard it is and how frankly traumatized you leave. Also how hard it is to find anything at all as well.
I was really sad about mybrbie from tumblr deleting so I started musing on all the people which eventually delete and how you just lose contact because they deleted you from facebook, exes or not, how easy it is to frankly get rid of someone. So I ended up musing on old relationships which had fallen apart.
Eh, this ended up rather short coz I ended up summarizing everything rather fast xD
I hope it wasn't too bad xD
I hope you enjoyed it, if you did, please please tell me
Thank you
<3
Jamie
No comments:
Post a Comment