Monday, 24 August 2015

it's either you or me

Life becomes a tackless routine as the days come after another like dominos, as they feel sped up once you know what’s going on. I just regret not smoking before heading inside the station, but all is supposed to be left alone and I’m supposed to ride the train for even longer. I should’ve at least dragged a bit from Jamie, but instead I had been too pissed in the morning because I ended up buying milk with cereal and that ended in a small dispute whether I should be drinking milk in the first place. Jamie just bitterly drank his black coffee and we had left, soon to depart our days with small jobs until the evening where I’d get stoned and Jamie would get drunk and then we would somehow scramble some peace.

Jamie’s still taller than me, as he looks around and I just don’t even dare to look his direction again, before I see someone tall standing out, as if swimming among the people with bleach blonde hair. I forget the small dispute and I grab Jamie’s sleeve as he still seems a bit pissy, but follows to what I’m pointing to.

“That’s Stefan, he used to be in school with me. Some popular jock-” I pause, glancing at my boyfriend. “Hey, look he’s with a guitar.”

“Then, maybe approach him?” Jamie asks a bit lukewarm, watching the tall Swede mind his own business. He glances back at me and I know we will still be bitchy for the rest of the day and I’ll most likely be sipping the milk to piss him off. He looks at me and maybe I should leave after all, at least until we both cool down. Jamie just sighs, fixing his long fringe. “I mean, he’s your old classmate, plus he doesn’t look like he’s jerking off to football, anyway.”

I glance at his dark green eyes, maybe I’m the only one being angry at my own sudden decision to at least become vegetarian. 

This year all of a sudden all the months mix up as if they’re all round and a spider web, holding nothing but dead moths which hold no meaning to what day it may be, boring me in a melancholic way with no meaning and just twirling me into confusion and lust for something I cannot understand. It feels as if I want to scream to change something, but the idea of meeting new people scares me and so does sticking with the old which end up being my boyfriend solely and for the first time in years I regretted not having friends. The newfound desire would spiral in odd ways, there were days where I wouldn’t care and I could spend the whole day locked up with Jamie, speaking, both of us in a drunk haze, slowly getting drunk on cheap wine, allowing the alcohol to slowly carry off the anxiety we would both hold and remind us that in misery we are never alone.

I wondered why I had felt lonely and even when we had met up with other people or sitting in university, even while talking, I would still feel like I had a glass wall around me filled with fear of not doing the assignments as well as my boyfriend had done. 

I wondered when had I felt so detached all of a sudden. I still waited for him to look at me and I just smiled at Jamie, before catching his growing small smile and I headed off to see Stefan for the first time after school, when falling leaves still meant a season and not a fucked up winter with the wrong birds. 

Life takes no direction, as I see Stefan notice me and it takes him a bit less than a moment to register who may I be and he smiles. It still feels odd and for him to see me with lazy morning make up I had worn over Jamie’s shoulder back home, I’m not my best and he’s seen me in it, but it still brings chills down my spine when people see me for who I am and specifically now in London with Jamie nearby under my arm. 

It becomes an odd question of how come you even end up meeting someone from a different country in an entirely different place? The whole idea that it is an old classmate makes it even worse, recalling the bullying and all the names due to wearing make-up and frankly confirming all gay rumors to be true as I was growing up. After all it’s not like I’m anyone known these days, all I am is a prancing fairy across London and that’s nothing which I can be proud of to show off, unlike being a star like I would grow up with all such thoughts in my head. 


I'll be honest and say that I've only written Molsdal as a secondary pairing only and once until now. I've shipped them, I love them both frankly, but I never quite ended up actually getting down to writing about them, which is frankly weird. 

The idea of actually writing it came from talking and I was asked about writing Molsdal and that just... stuck to my head and I couldn't get it out and I just started writing in the middle of the day, so this was roughly done in two proper sittings or so. I just started thinking that I'd love to do a take on what I think happened, I get a kick out of doing hyper realistic stories of some pairing before I move onto an AU, so I guess Molsdal AUs ahead xD 

I'm listening to the first album as I'm writing this and I was going to write more, but I love the ending here even if it's a tad bit short. 

I've been having awfully heavy anxiety and panic attacks, so it ended up being really hard to write and I finally sort of sat down and went... okay, Jamie, go write what you feel, how bleak and I kind of just ended up shooting that in the story and I guess or hope that's what makes it realistic. 

I randomly forgot that Brian was vegetarian back in the 90s and kind of rediscovering that fact I guess that made it's way in here. I like the argument and I'm quite pleased with it's next to... nonsense here. 

I think I'm too distracted by listening to Placebo xD

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so, I'll be very very grateful and any words of support are more than welcome because I'm not feeling too well

Thank you



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