I think it’s awful that we can never make everything stop, it will be the world which dissolves us. We will never be able to stand up to anything, regardless if we want to or not because everything leads up to what was wanted by whomever in the first place. And somehow it makes sure that I don’t speak in any way, that everything should go past me and no one will ever notice the blood on the pavement and will walk on and I will see them crashing through me, but they will only notice the ghost me if I tell them they’re wrong and they’ll find a way to kill again.
I think one of the hardest things to accept is that there was no other self, that I had always been a man meaning that I was always confused, that all the memories were I thought I was a woman were all false, I had been confused and always male. People really don’t talk how while growing up you may identify as a tomboy and it might not be okay to say that women can be everything, that you’re just a tomboy and even uttering that being a tomboy for you at least meant being male will be considered misogynistic because if there is nothing to hold onto for someone who identifies as female other than a trans man they should rethink their own gender perhaps. And saying such things or even thinking ends up being harsh, but in reality I’m just angry that no one slapped my face and told me I’m male when I always have been and I wish men would be told that it’s okay to be men. It’s surely better than being a transphobic woman.
I knew that I wouldn’t be naked the way I wanted, I knew that I wouldn’t have sex the way I wanted and I hoped that it wouldn’t be as frustrating as masturbating hopefully. I hoped that I could lose myself in the moment and that it would somehow be just as magical as if I could have the body I’ve always wanted and it wasn’t even going to be the partner I’ve always wanted.
Jamie offered to eat out since my cooking skills were pretty much mild and eatable and he seemed to have money to waste which made me wonder how much longer would his month even last, but as we dressed up, I still saw him tense from recalling Madrid and Lisbon but instead he grabbed me, pushing me against the closet, instantly letting my tongue in as we grinded against each other and I knew he was desperate for a memory cleanse and I was more than open to give him my memories of some love which couldn’t shatter so easily, which I was confused but believed in now.
Once he pulled back, I still stood with him entirely lingering in my mouth, but I just nodded to nothing in particular as he was dressing up to go greet the outside cold.
Going day after day seemed a bit too much anticipating and very much filled with something you could only dream of and with his fingers on the back of my neck I could only wonder about Alex and how had the other man even managed to fit into my life and in what way would that even be? Had he solely been the one to lure me into Jamie’s arms? And who was I supposed to end up with? I wasn’t too keen on humanity’s allowance of dating even if you don’t wake up next to them until that day when you die.
I never understood but at the same time, when I was growing up and had been perceived as female unfortunately, I was stuck in a dorm with a different girl and I would end up kicking her boyfriend out, just so that I could sleep and she had told me that they had decided to break up right after the summer camp would end. We never spoke after said camp either and I had been envious of those people who ended up close with their roomies, as I never got that. Instead both me and Nick would hang out, sneaking out to sit in the kitchen and talk about whomever we had been crushing on then. I had tried girls at the moment and we had been discussing a girl. Nick was slowly wondering where he had started to fit, but instead he’d listen to me and sometimes when the night was too dark and sleepy I would catch him looking at me and I would smile back, it felt as if we were floating-
When I get too lonely or too paranoid, I wonder if I had ever made the right moves in life, if it was a good decision to freelance because I’ve heard too much negative and jokes ranging from my salary to if I was really doing it for free that it had started messing with my head, as if I was holding the cord of the phone and letting it not only twist its curved cord with my fingers but with my throat as well, allowing it be sliced open-
I had missed him and I had loved him.
I thought that maybe if I had stayed a woman maybe he would’ve gone for me.
But the thing about the people who don’t go for you, they will never go for you.
And somehow it had been too hard to let go-
It’s not that I didn’t like Jamie greatly, just that my mind had become my enemy and growing up and leaving a household with the words that no one would ever love me started messing around with my head, once the first bliss was gone and he was in the house, sitting besides me as I would draw and the first time I had to take off the binder because I had reached my eight hours per day limit and my ribs had started aching.
I expected him to stare at my chest, but instead he just smiled and I stood in front of him for a bit before he kissed me again.
Once in a fight, you’ll never stop being paranoid.
My head would start running closer to my sleep, dissolving with some conceived fear of actually falling to pieces.
I wanted a bath, but in Sweden barely anyone had it, so buying anything to drown yourself as you dream, was a crude solution to the hanging yourself in a shower.
And how come depression made sure you wore the curtain of misery as if the world were a funeral seemed to be reality. That’s why you miss people, because you can’t afford to be happy on your own or beloveds.
It didn’t make sense and on the last and final day of my period I sat on the bathroom, wondering how come sex had been so anticipated and exciting, running a hand through my hair. Checking the time, wondering if five people to one stating that wearing a binder during sex is enough. And I sat there for a while, still recalling Nick and how we would both laugh and how I had spilled to him about Alex years on, still in that kitchen, him entirely sleepy and laying on his stomach in front of me to tell me exactly how he had felt that everything had been written on the stars and how everything had been fate.
Then how come I was losing my virginity to another man then? How come I had wanted Jamie to touch me all over the place, to push me further and how come I ended up locking myself in the bathroom as Jamie had the telly on with some random trash tv show while reading Visions of Cody.
Living with no schedule and dead lines ended up being a big question of why not. why not have Jamie stay over? Why not meet up with him nearly all the time? Why not even go ad check out the cat Alex had to babysit from work.
Alex called Jamie in, who had dragged me with him, as Alex just confirmed with his ex-boyfriend that both were now staying over in the same apartment. Alex had lit a cigarette, offering Jamie one as we both headed in to check out the cat.
It was odd to watch a silent Alex, wondering outloud as we had one date and it was more than obvious that he had somehow lost. He didn’t have his quiff today, allowing his hair to be entirely messy and ended up matching his insides. But I tried not to stare at him much, not allowing myself to dissolve into some childish nostalgia.
What if it had all been my fault and what would’ve Nick even said, laying on the floor, hearing that I had indeed giving up the man in the jacket for someone else?
After seeing Nick in my day dreams all covered up with the curtains filled with stars which he covered himself in, as if it would be his veil to escort him to death I observed the cat which would end up fighting against the small toy mouse handed to the front paws to beat up with the back paws. Jamie ended up playing with the cat the most, as I could feel Alex’s puppy brown eyes just keep staring at me until we had left.
All days become an odd cold mixture as I would wait for myself to cool down, recalling how Jamie’s tongue and mouth had tasted and how come now I would be able to push much much further. It feels nauseous, anxious and far too threatening to actually do something. It didn’t help that we had a small discussion before, because I had told him that the period should soon be over but I had his hands under my shirt so that hadn’t been helping to think really straight.
It had been odd to actually go exactly how Jamie had mocked it softly, calling it dick shopping and stating that it didn’t matter because most likely right on the exact day or midway I would decide or we would both what we had both felt like. And how do you even deliver the message to the person you want to fuck that you’re actually entirely ready to just pin them down?
In the end no matter how much you prepare for sex, all that matters is that you really want that someone between your legs, no matter how much you goofed off by pressing dildos on display against the person in some shop named after a greek goddess, just to attract possibly everyone to initiate sex, not just during Pride week, which sometimes should resemble how living life should be if you’re gay. We need to end up being proud of who we sleep with or not, of those who we love and what makes us different. I had always wanted to walk pride holding who I was, a gay trans man since people don’t even know I exist. Hell, I don’t know I exist.
I didn’t even know what I felt like, but I knew that I had wanted him in my bed, as I slowly crept on him, even knowing that he was watching me in full and in that split second I realized how much either of us had been anticipating, with each touch and hug and by the end of the day, when you’re trans it also takes a lot of discussion as you can’t just turn off the lights and maybe because we had rinsed it through and through, Jamie asking me how I would prefer everything to be called and having the binder on, maybe-
We just really wanted to fuck. It had really boiled down to that with no other further consequence. It’s much messier than you expected and nothing really flows, besides your own sexual frustration which seems to be binding and seems to be tightening at all all times, etching for release, but then it becomes a virtue of holding it.
I had dragged Jamie to the bedroom, where he had pinned me down and I didn’t even know where we were going with everything or what had we discussed, I didn’t know what exactly even meant besides grinding against him in a desperate manner, allowing both moans to mix and no one even knows whose body is whose. I didn’t take off my binder and he just dug his fingers deeper to make sure I would feel it through the life fabric and I just moaned against his touch.
Jamie heard his phone vibrate, so he just quickly held the button to turn off as he continued going further for my neck, stopping at the hemline and going back up again, as I pulled on his shirt to reveal him. I couldn’t help but feel anxious from seeing him shirtless but all I did was pull him closer to me much more. But the thing is, that we;re still all nervous and we will stumble, like Jamie taking a good while to pull my skinny jeans down and get the condoms and then motion to me and back to me. I just propped myself up and kept looking at him as he kept motioning the condom back and forth.
“Man, I really don’t know. I’m playing the innocent virgin here.” I smirked as he just rolled his eyes, opening the wrapper. “I take it, I’ll continue playing the innocent virgin then.”
“Whatever you want to call yourself, dear Miles.” He laughed.
I just looked back at him, feeling a bit too nervous and tense at the same time until he had kissed me again and I wondered if I had been the only bloke in this world being so fucking anxious of having someone else entirely pressed against me and pushing me much forwards and taking me entirely. I wondered how would it even feel to then fuck Jamie, but I guess the point was that it would happen in any way again and again
Again and again
I just looked back at him, as I pulled his pants down, leaving them halfway as I traced my hands back up and since I had gotten a green light, I kissed him and pressed my fingers against his chest, pulling them, pinching them, causing Jamie to moan and trying to push the fact that I didn’t want anyone on my chest just yet, that soon enough I’d have him entirely all over my body, just in a bit-
“Are you okay, Miles?” And he stopped as we both looked at each other. I just nodded,a bit embraced of confessing that I had been scared of ever mentioning my dysphoria, the fact that I’d read enough trans men hooking up on Grindr and stopping halfway wasn’t helping at all, because just like them I had no idea how it would feel with this partner or how it would feel at all and by the end of the day sex becomes an act where your body is maximised to a ridiculous extent. And what else can remind me just as much that I don’t have the body that I wish, but even if my mind was anxious, I was still watching everything unravel in front of me and I still had wanted him immensely and I had just pushed it-
I continued kissing him.
He pulled back and I guess I seem to forget that my expressions are easy to read by someone who has been watching me for the past few days and somehow ended up in my bed, knowing that he had wanted me far too much.
The whole thought of someone finally wanting me was obscure and it was hard to even comprehend, even strings words together and actually make sex just sex, because by the end of it it was us making love somehow even if neither of us spoke on the subject.
“Miles, you okay?” I just had to nod again, but instead he held his silence as an answer and I just slowly had to breathe out.
Maybe I did want some nipple play after all. I could feel myself flush even if we were all already in a binder and underwear in front of each other.
“Sorry... I guess I’m just freaking out about my body, no matter how cliche it sounds, I guess it has to be said.” I took a deep breath. “I just don’t know where exactly I stand with it and I don’t know-”
“If you’re not ready-”
“No, that’s the thing. I am, I fucking want you... I’m just scared that I don’t have the exact body-”
“I want your body. Well...” He quickly snapped back. “I want you, regardless of what body you have. I don’t want to sound fetishist or anything, it’s you I’m fucking and it doesn’t matter what you have or what you don’t have. I’ll touch you were you want me to and I won’t where you don’t.”
I bit my lip.
I started taking off my binder, instantly feeling the weight of my breasts suddenly and the reminder that I had been wearing it for a good while starting to remind me as well as Jamie just compressing me with himself on top of me.
“And I don’t think... I never played with my front hole anyway.” I blinked, staring at a blank spot. “Yeah.”
“Yeah. I guess I asked before and I just assumed you wanted back.” He said and this conversation even if it was awkward ended up being necessary because until you’re in it you won’t know what exactly you’ll feel like. What if you’re in a front hole sort of day? I guess those could happen. Anything could happen and it wasn’t even about detaching myself from my body but understanding that this is what I have now. It’s okay to love it, it’s okay to hate it. Jamie lowered his head to go for my chest, licking softly as I just arched my back, embarrassed from its mass and how cumbersome it had felt, but it still felt great and I couldn’t stop as he started sucking and groaning, letting his hand go down into my underwear and stroking me down there, I felt a bit embarrassed at first from how moist it had been and something I had understood he hadn’t touched before, but just looking at him made me realize that he had still wanted me.
To pretty much expose myself, this chapter was an enourmous nightmare to write because around the 2nd day I realized that I had wanted to update Blue/Jacket with like 400 words in to a chapter of 3.2 k I should've gone into, usually I write small bits and pieces and then I just wrap up the last 500-1k words in one binge unless it's No. 1 Party Anthem which I ridiculously binge for and that's why my backstory is pretty much me being dead.
I ended up having a break down, because I wasn't sure if people were still reading Blue/Jacket and enjoying it with how the plot was going since milex is progressing rather slow, but this was always how the plot was intended. And I do get terrified if the milex is slow and I give other relationships until the other progresses (to try and avoid spoiling as much as possible), I guess this happens because in To Miles I had quite a few people be sad on the milex loveline there and that kind of... scared me to death even up to today xD I kind of always freak out, I dunno if I seem very... self-confident but I'm really not and I really freak out about everything, so every message literally makes my day and makes it much easier to write.
So thank you to everyone who supported me through the hard day that was yesterday and in general thank you to everyone. That's why I always thank.
I guess also shout-out to Marina Diamandis because it was only to her music which made me fully relax and write under it, so pretty much nearly all of this was written under her music.
The sex scene between Jamie and Miles had been something I had been anticipating perhaps since the start of the year mainly because I just realized that there isn't really a great amount of or rather none of gay trans sex scenes and mostly they're quite in a mold unfortunately and I wanted to push that away. Also, it was very anxious because when it came to this sex scene I had to literally push all my boundaries down and write how I have sex frankly. It's not the end of the sex scene obviously and I debated whether to continue, but I really wanted this chapter out and I guess, I'll hold the anticipation. But I really wanted to break the whole no one describing how queer trans men have sex. That's also one of the reasons I really became anxious because I was looking forward to it so long and I became anxious as fuck and I really wanted to not say shit, we need represenatation, but make it myself as well. Because who else can speak for us?
Going back to the story, I am still eternally pissed that I grew up not knowing that being a trans man is okay and that it was okay to be one, so Blue/Jacket becomes personal and also Miles' bit about trying women before he discovers himself.
I really put myself out here when it comes to masturbation, gender and sex, so I really don't know what much to add, so I'm going through the chapter.
I just really love it, so yeah.
I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please please tell me because I am legit freaking out about it.