Thursday, 3 September 2015

To Miles 54

“Casablancas.” I say as I head over to Jamie’s and he just quickly puts his mug of coffee down, looking a bit sleepier as I just head in, closing the door, pulling my hat off.

“I thought he was your friend, Alex.” Jamie greets me back with a nod, looking at me confused, but I just feel frustrated that I grab him up and I don’t know what is even with me, as Jamie looks at me confused yet excited. 

“I fucking said Casablancas.” I hiss, through teeth, pulling him by his collar and I still feel at ease as Jamie just blinks, feeling as if all is a game and I wonder what if it is just power play and what would even the point be, but instead 

as usual, we get turned on by any fucked up state, allowing misery to be our sexual drive because if you can’t bathe in love, you can’t bathe in anything

I bite my tongue. 

“As you say, sailor- I mean, Captain.” Jamie bites his lips from laughing and I wonder how much more are we of the Devil as he puts the captain’s hat on me, pulling me into a warming kiss, pushing me harsher to him and I can’t even pull away, just pushing him against the wall. He watches me, stretching out his neck and I wonder how come we had known our own body language so well. I grab him by neck, holding my grip firm, taking his cock out, choking him, releasing his neck whenever he needs a gasp of air and continuing, watching him beg me to go faster or to even touch at all from time to time. 

When he comes all over my hand, he collapses in my arms, legs shaking, breath barely making it against mine and I hold him.

I don’t know why

Why I love him

And I look at him, finding sense and kissing him again. I don’t know why he keeps me calm. And I don’t know why sometimes you end up loving those you hate whilst sober. As if he had been a different person at first, as I watched him catch his breath, pressing himself entirely against me and his cum drying up in my hand, cupping him. Sometimes I wonder why do we fall in love with the people we do, what is that makes them so special and full of sparkle in our eyes? Is it just because they listen? Is that enough with all the roll of memories which they take with us, holding them up like a scarf, dismantling like a table cloth to make sure we’d feast on every single moment ever spent. 

Recalling every memory is painful, specifically when in the night Jamie decides to put his hat on as he wakes me up, reminding me that we should be the ones taking Casablancas and I wonder how unfair it is that I won’t see a struggling Julian fighting the Captain’s hands taking him away to death. And it was even more bewildering to be in Hince’s bed as he had been doing so. Only when he had left I had wondered if it was even wise of me to stay wrapped in my lover’s bedcovers, telling myself that summer was indeed going fun at sea this year. I closed my eyes, trying to even shield my worries with the sudden claustrophobia I had felt with the ship recently. I didn’t understand how come after one night I ended up dreading sharing the space with all the men whom I’ve nearly known inside out and all of a sudden my thoughts had been loud again and even with Jamie in the room, I wanted to be alone, I just wanted to lock myself up somewhere to hear no one and not hear who had managed to sneak in alcohol.

And I had slept until Jamie had woken me up and I didn’t even register that he had slept beside me as usual.

Julian’s departure was announced with the 22nd of June, the fall of France as they had signed. And that had been it, everything was simply destroyed and it was as if we were all so dazzled that we didn’t even know of who to be afraid of anymore in the canteen. Should we fear our own men and how come did the people who were getting killed are just becoming numbers for us and how come we were just watching from the sides, terrified of whatever had been happening. Why were we afraid of losing our men earlier when perhaps you could still tame the dragon? And I could see that everyone was scared of their night’s endeavors with now the canteen not holding Julian’s voice anymore. I couldn’t look at Miles who was just looking at his bowl, not even bothering to sober up for the day ahead, as if he had decided to stay asleep during the whole day. I expected him to approach me at any point, but even during the training he remained quiet and preserved, talking to me strictly of what to shoot and why had I been missing today, as if nothing had happened at all. I would try to catch his empty eyes, but instead he just looked at me empty then far too thoughtful for me to read through what had he been thinking, which made me wonder how come I had never known him. It felt as if every layer of him would only hold one word of truth. I was wondering how truthful had he been with Jamie back in the day and how much had it taken for him to break and never love again. 

I wondered again, as if younger than I had been when I had him torment all my thoughts and I felt too scared to even discuss the feelings with Jamie even if we would’ve ended up anyway, as he would speak of Alison as well. Alison would still crawl under his skin and he ended up being left as the culprit, as if it had always been his fault and I wondered if I felt flattered that he had chosen me over Alison, did that mean that I was not going to be okay if he had someone else?

I glanced at his table, as he had been finishing The Brothers Karamazov which I hadn’t read at the point and that felt a bit distant for some reason, that I couldn’t pick up the discussion properly and it only seemed to make me anxious and another reason for him to calm me down.

But would I be okay if he had another lover?

I had been okay with Alison, but what about the rest? How would I feel if he had another young man? And I couldn’t answer that question until it would end up falling into my hands for me to observe on how I would interact with it innerly and losing him was something I just couldn’t live with. I even stopped eating, staring ahead, my eyes fixed on him flicking through the novel, knowing that I had far too much literature I had read and not enjoyed for some reason. He loved me. Wasn’t that ever enough? And how come does it start becoming something collective or is because I had never stopped loving Miles then?

And is falling in love a new thing every day?

Was it like an enchanting song going round and round through the head?

And how come Miles had never left my head and how come was I even one to think of an ex anyway? Why had I ended up being a lover’s lover no matter where you would look at it? Miles wouldn’t look at me and that’s when it dawned on me, it wasn’t even just that he knew, it was that he had seen this before, that now he was a sole man without even his bestfriend and with Carlos sitting with his eyes red, closing them, his hands shaking one hand each for him and Julian which was now gone. What guarantee did he have that he wouldn’t be next? He didn’t dare to look at me, as if I would’ve been under danger as well. And how did he know which session was it that took dear Julian away? Why don’t we ever get a say in who should we even think about or forgive?

The days seemed to get dull, as I tried not to get my blood go cold that I even found myself closing my eyes when we would hear even more news on what was going on and Jamie would pay attention as he would smoke when he’d shift topic to the war, that I had stopped listening entirely. I was tired of waiting.

I didn’t understand why couldn’t we do anything at all as blood was spilled and we just had to watch the world crumble and my mind started drawing scenarios of black yarn that even we would get the taste of nazism on our land. I wondered how would that even be. I didn’t feel patriotic at all. I stopped feeling the taste of it, I had never fully understood and I even wondered why had I taken a job to defend a land which had wanted me gone so long ago. why had I been so hypoctrical to my own existence? Jamie stopped talking, watching me as he slowly finished his cigarette, wondering whether to even touch me as I just curled up and that’s when he sat next to me on my side of the bed and held me, not knowing what to even say, we’ve all lost.

During the day I can’t help but think about Carlos far too often, I don’t even nag about his sloppy skills today, as I just watch him. It’s odd to see how far can a person crack with trust, revealing themselves entirely and I could see how he even managed to cut himself while shaving this morning, he seemed to be calculating the right words. He seemed a bit more alive and killed at the same time, his eyes not known sleep for a good while now, mourning somewhat a death of a sailor. He finally found the courage, which I now seemed to be missing.

“I know you and Hince are sending men off.” And that was it, there was nothing behind why would you do this Julian and all of a sudden I saw the same man I had met rather than someone who was held truly by Julian. And it wasn’t Julian being taken away which had shredded him, but the fact that I had done it. Jamie was nearly an abstract figure for 
Carlos, as he would just dismiss everything as gossip about Jamie he would hear, but he never cared too much. He knew something had been going on after he had met us, so it even ended up making my feet give up more. Nothing can truly describe the moment when you see a person differently for the first time, when they want nothing to do with you. His gaze reminded me of Miles’, but just like then I had no idea what he would do. Instead he just looked down. His shoulders weren’t even shaking, he just didn’t know where to let his eyes rest and what to even do with himself. Carlos looked up to try and find some words to say, but besides opening his mouth, he couldn’t say anything.

It’s as if I decided that I should be waiting for him to tell me anything at all. We did the rest of the practice in complete silence and I didn’t even know what to say. I couldn’t say that I’m sorry, because I wasn’t, I had meant to send off Julian, scared and I had wanted to send him for so long. Julian was like a mirror I wanted to break to get bad luck, Julian was my intrusive thought which I wanted to wreck havoc as and to see what would happen. I wanted to see how far would the cracks go and how would it feel to see everything slip through my hands and shatter, as if I had wanted to taste a cut on my tongue just to feel the blood, just to feel alive. 

I sleep a bit before I head to Jamie’s usually, when I can pretend that everyone else is asleep and I wonder how many more just know and keep silent and that just makes me anxious and nervous as I watch the bunks in the dark, wondering how many of them know whose mouth I stick my tongue into. I wonder how the rumors spiral behind my back in the melancholy of a ship, I had started reaching today when I don’t want to think about Carlos, as anxiety and boredom go hand in hand on a seesaw and I’d rather be bored again. 

My mind stopped thinking about sailors, as I felt my body relax in the depths of the small bunk bed, feeling my feet entangled in the thin covers and feeling the fabric against my body, it was relaxing and frankly cozy after a long day, but it didn’t seem to close curtains on my wishes for the first time. I had wished that I was much younger again. I had missed my parents dearly all of a sudden, even if I had never let them know me properly, I had started missing them. I missed the loud dinners with my mother gossiping, my father listening and they both seemed absorbed, fascinated by who Matt had been dating and at a crossing at the road, whether they were proud of me going to the navy or wondering how come I didn’t have a girl under my arm. And all of a sudden I missed that dearly, I didn’t want to be in the navy anymore, I didn’t want to have a boyfriend, I wanted to be alone, I wanted to be troubled and destroyed by school, I wanted equations to be my only enemy with disaster and my own confusion about myself, but I didn’t want to see people, I didn’t want people to by problem and what I had done to them at all. 

That’s what I didn’t want.

I wanted to be alone aain with some surety that nothing would happen to me, that I would be left alone and I’d have a calm dinner every day. We only cherish such things when they die. And with the city where I came from not being a port town this was much harder to achieve until I would get shore leave. And then I wondered what would I even do, because if you come back to the past with the same mindset, you’ll never relax, there will be the present to torment you and make your feet ache. By the end of the day you’ll never relax. I don’t even know who am I even talking to anymore in my head, because I don’t listen. I just sit up, taking longer than usual and putting on my shirt to pretend to be heading to the bathroom, in the mirror I recognize myself, I’ve been sending off men with a man I love. I rinse my mouth with water, coughing loudly. 


Wow, it's been a bit over two months since I updated To Miles, so I'm terribly sorry that it took a while. I've been finding it thankfully easier to write by thinking that I have like twice writing 200 words left and so on and in general, thankfully my brain is slowly back to thinking about stories and my anxiety is a bit lower, so I'm more than thrilled about that xD even if it's still y'know... anxiety.

The first chunk was written with the previous chapter.

I guess I'll address that Julian lasted 54 chapters, he was supposed to be the first one to go and he became a metaphor for intrusive thoughts, which I think we all have, only Alex had acted on his.

Callie was the one who pointed it out, because I just frankly write and she's the one finding all the metaphors and dissecting things (I like discussing it, like Julian being metaphor is my doing just now xD) and one of hers was just going how the navy theme follows on in Alex and Jamie's sex life really. That's not really a metaphor, but they do get a kick out of it and it's a classic role play really for sub/dom. 

Another thing both me and Callie discussed was how I ended up mashing up two events which was Julian's departure and the fall of France. Writing To Miles and watching all the wars around happen makes it easy to understand the mindset which would be on the ship and how Julian becomes a bigger tragedy. I struggle a lot with the ongoing wars and I don't know how to act or how to relax about them, so I bring that to the story and that's what makes it authentic if you must.

One of my favourite death/war quotes is actually by Stalin and in life I use it frequently, which goes "a death of one is a tragedy, death of millions is statistics" and that kind of falls under Julian's departure.

I really have to keep my lips shut at this point as some things just point to events which will happen in the next chapter or so, so this backstory might be short and avoiding things xD

I had been rather tense with many things happening which cause me anxiety and kind of sticking the anxiety here really helped me, so yeah. That's why this chapter is so realistically tense. 

I have insomnia and even if I was missing my parents during the day, I kind of combined those two together. I just grabbed my phone and wrote which I hadn't done in a very good while, so I was very happy about that. 

It's been really hard recently and I just wished that life had been simpler somehow, it was never simpler, but I became oddly nostalgic about things, so I wrote about that. So yeah.

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you so so much

If you liked it, please tell me



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