Thursday, 10 September 2015

What's Wrong? 6

I think in this day and age when we’re all more lonely and constantly reminded of it, it’s easier to meet people and make friends with those who you see every day. She mused the entire morning, looking out of the window, waiting for either her courage to come or my own. I tried to bombard my mind with something else and it wasn’t that hard considering that there were new Bratz dolls coming in today and we’d get to see them before the big reveal and all would be under wraps. 

Sometimes I have bad days when I can’t get out of the bed, I undress every single doll and I can’t force myself to redress them, that’s why I enjoy hearing about people’s coping mechanisms. It made me sure that I wasn’t alone, that somehow we had all shared the same demon within us. It was everything from walking, smoking or when I had called my grandmother it had been a tv show we had both watched when I was young. Listening to that made my realize how my years had ticked away and it seemed an odd deja vu spiral where I had started to ask myself-

but for the time being her reply had eased me, realizing that we all have our regrets. It eased me that somehow everyone else would break down in the same way that I would and there were millions of solutions to ease the same problem. 

I had ended up trying to summon the courage to tell that to Daniel. That everyone had their coping methods and as we had put the boxes for Boo York, that I had felt that the years had slipped through my fingers. Maybe I shouldn’t have given up so quickly with everything at all in life and what was it that I had missed? How did the cards go if I had stayed longer in education? How had the cards looked like if I had given any of my exes another chance? How had the cards looked like if I had approached the girl in the bus-

“Why don’t you approach her then?” And I can’t even recall properly what had I told him. I just blink, as the days had gone past and I had solely been terrified to even ask her about anything even if we’ve made eye contact and she had sometimes sat next to me, reading something every day or on the days when she would want to daze, she’d just listen to music. She seemed to match everything I had said I was done with girls about since my ex, but instead she twirled around with everything and that was like her throwing a bridal bouquet in my face and I had known, flowers falling around my hair, that I had never really given up on anyone,

besides a few people. 

The world crumbles like the rotten apple underneath my exes teeth if I see anyone who resembles on the sidewalks as I would wait for a bus, happy that the construction works are all long over, leaning as far as possible to see the world upside down.

Daniel had walked with me after work and I could see him stand next to the girl which resembled the said ex, until Daniel was left alone and I just kept looking at him, until my back started aching and he just sat next to me. 

Or maybe I had just always been shy these days, maybe I was just too scared of anything which could unravel, which could unfold. 

Daniel had decided to stay with me for the night and we had sat together, nearly opposite as we would flick through night time trash tv, nearly skipping two channels in a row. I had wondered what had happened to my feelings towards Daniel and where had they decided to hide. In the end we just walked on the balcony, escaping ourselves to smoke and I had wished that I had decided to turn on some music, just to give myself more nostalgia and regret, but then just like I had thought of talking to my grandmother, what ended up was that we all went through the same forgotten years until now, the scrapped knees in childhood and the eaten ice cream with parents was all something which was dearly missed, because all of a sudden the thought of being a grown up was terrifying even if I had been one for years, the freedom on the lips was tempting, then why was I wishing for a caged youth again? Was it because I had known now that everything is okay? Would it be different entirely knowing your future? 

I just went to sleep as soon as Daniel fell asleep on the couch, after telling me that I should somehow get the courage and talk to her. In the morning we had both eaten breakfast very slowly, barely talking but we had caught staring at each other. And I just think that my feelings were tucked in the morning’s sun. 


I struggled again with writing and when I was writing Bar Eyes a few days ago, it dawned on me that the writing which I missed, the clunky surreal one was done under pure force and with depressing music on, so I had done the same with this chapter of What's Wrong?. 

I just am not one to say, yeah, I was good and now I feel like utter crap at times and due to that I feel awful and that's why I push back stories, but I'm really trying to stay on track now, so yeah, even if I'm a day late. I've also been pondering on Nanowrimo, but that's for me to reveal later xD unless I get pestered then I'll crack :)

I went really open on the subjects of making friends which I'm heavily struggling with, as I only talk to people online and IRL I've been a mess because I have no idea how these days, nostalgia and just trying to understand everything, depression or a weird state of it, I touch starting new relationships here but to be honest I don't have any new ones xD

I had seen on my tumblr dash someone who reminded me of my ex, so I spoke on seeing someone who resembles exes, so yeah.

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you

Please tell me if you enjoyed it, because I get to be an anxious wreck and I would love to hear that you liked it



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