“You can become God with the right tickets.” Alex says, taking off his top hat and catching stars as he stands on the top of the ladder. “Such as the lottery. Sometimes the rarest things which you can buy can come back.”
And he had thrown his hat at Jamie. I could see him with the golden ticket in his hand and buying off said shop and apparently the apartment, but I assumed it wasn’t such a big sum but enough to be real when you couldn’t be God yet. I wondered if nay of us could ever be God and if God weren’t the one who created all of this, maybe we would be with our immortality.
I just stared back at Jamie, who was chewing slowly. It was odd to be in the same room with him, as he seemed lost and dazzled that I had no recollection of anything-
“It was a bargain, without knowing what you’re buying.” I could hear Alex say, flipping his hat over in his hands. I still don’t know how you can blindly love a shell, even if it feels flattering to know that someone cares without knowing, but it still dampens me that I’ll never know with what he fell in love with and that moment he had known and how I had felt as well.
It felt suffocating
A bit like noise, but I didn’t even know what to say, I didn’t know how to act or whether I even wanted to go back home and where even was home? Was it were we had left Alex’s nonexistent ashes or was it back in Glasgow? Glasgow seemed to just hold back my family which held all the responsibilities I had fled from with the summer and it all felt like a matter of time when they would try to find me and count the moon. I could bite off all my fingernails and they would still find me, strap me down and remind me of university and retaking everything again.
I just excused myself, not even knowing where to go, until he pointed, walking across the corridor, feeling uncomfortable with the odd sizing of the apartment which lodged on a firm middle. The price shouldn’t have been too bad, from what I imagined, even if it was surely a nightmare, as I opened the small window of the bathroom, wondering if I had missed the instructions to being a small bat of sorts-
Alex had hit Jamie with a bat
I closed my eyes.
Memories are like syrup, they leak onto the bones digging in and then they rebuild them as if they were nothing new, all old and creaky with all the forms. That’s why when we die there’s no traces of us and sometimes it doesn’t matter if we don’t die at all
I pressed myself against the cold window, wondering how come my memories were merging or was it simply because I had known that Jamie had told me about this before, he had told me that Alex would show up with a baseball bat and beat him up. I wondered why had the instrument been such or was it because the syrup came that way? Was the syrup the same we had encountered in the yoghurt? How much anxiety would stretch to give us all the memories we hold each day with each fear we face?
I wondered again.
I wondered how long would it take them to find me considering of my age and what would happen if they find me with a much older man? Just how old was even Jamie? How old have I been? When did I die before to be reborn in Alex’s arms first? And how come everything looped? Why was I Jamie’s answers when now he was mine?
And when would I love?
But without him, I can hear him mumble, I can hear Jamie mumble harder and harder, describing how it had been, how he just felt interested in me, how the streets how once been inspiring when you walked with someone you had loved, but now it was all shroudded in melancoholy most likely for me, that’s why he wanted to take me out, to see it all again and if I wouldn’t find love that maybe I could find either of us.
My head was spinning with noises I hadn’t heard and I had heard his footsteps now because I had taken so so long-
I didn’t want to be here and I didn’t want Glasgow either with anything which would amount, the wrong memories reminding me of things I’d forgotten to fit in with people when I would break down and head out of class, buy a ticket with money on the card and leave to Edinburgh just for the whole sake of it. That had been it. All the names were in my head, all the Tescos, all the Boots, all the Topshops, all of them just flashed and I pressed my hands against the mirror now, feeling all the intrusive thoughts telling me to break it and to bring bad luck upon myself just for the fury, because nothing would go back and I seemed to stop loving a man which risked his own death.
Let me cringe.
I don’t know for how long I’d been yelling, clutching onto my teeth with bare hands, digging my skin in until they would reach my nails, that Jamie shouted back at me and I pulled the fingers away, not feeling any pain at all, entirely in his lap, staring, feeling myself fill up
I wanted to leave it unfinished, so the rest of the paragraph is in the next chapter. I was stuck and anxious when I just started writing this and me and Callie were discussing queer novels. That pretty much lead me to go, I'm not really writing a gay couple here, Callie and to get into the mood I started browsing through old Kills videos. I think I've seen everything to the end and back xD so I was just watching I Hate The Way You Love by the end of it really xD and I have no idea how many times I've watched it to be honest xD
I left it on the back to make it harder to write, chunkier (that's why my backstory is odd today too, sorry about that xD) and kind of echoes more with Used Lighter as Alison is recalling past events.
One of my favourite images of UL was Alex in a top hat on a ladder so I always bring that back and in general creepy Alex is back, now to haunt Alison
or not really haunt since he is her old lover
I'm religious but I still like making my characters atheists when needed and to put a different narrative, since it's not really fun to have everyone have your views.
The story tells itself. I was recalling Glasgow myself how I had broken down there and I had given that to Alison here as well.
I was thinking the other day that BE/UL just go with the fact that I've always been fascinated with vampires and it's just my answer to the romance that I never got to read, I'll keep silent on the ending xD
The mumbling was because I had IHTWYL on the background really xD
I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me you enjoyed this chapter
Bar Eyes 10
Bar Eyes 10