Tuesday, 29 September 2015

No. 1 Party Anthem 7

I wonder if you can count all the stars if you keep your eyes closed enough, if you could miss all the pearls circling through the skies and somehow emit love. I still couldn’t bring myself down from the image of Alex lying besides me and it’s summer all of a sudden all over again, that we were lying and the sun was glistering, all the stars in the sky colouring them in clouds of sunflowers. I was there and he was there, just because I had confessed through rapid feelings. I had managed to get myself in a loop. It’s been so long that I didn’t know if I had felt the unrequited love or somehow something mutual. I didn’t know if his lips tasted disaster. I didn’t know how sour they tasted because I had always enjoyed sour things.

Life gives another taste as it comes, changing colours like a kaleidoscope, making sure you’ll never find yourself in it or the past. And somehow even with love you can still feel love, love somehow becomes not enough at the twists and ends of the night, as I sat with the window entirely open, feeling intoxicated by the night with no stars in sight as if everything was sucked out and insomnia was tonight’s soup of the day. It’s not like anything holds sense, because he had replied nothing and we had just shrugged everything under the rug, allowing as if entirely nothing for discussion even if I knew what we had done and what Alex had not said. I ended up not calling Jamie that night or having him over, just loitering around, doing nothing and somehow his presence seemed to remind me that something was wrong with myself.

But was it really wrong to confess of something I wasn’t even sure of at the time being? I just stuck my head outside even further, allowing myself to feel what cold really felt like. And I had no idea where life would be going, because when you freelance every single day becomes like a long rubber routine, going through the same thing and until that said party which I had been invited to, it was only me and Jamie and Brian hanging out. When Jamie and Brian would really get along I was entirely left alone to wallow in my feelings and realize how alone I had been. I had no ideas on how to meet new people besides a few which I had gathered here and there. Arielle was a friend of an acquaintance who I had met at some small gathering, suggesting that I should go and that had been it. That’s how far it had been to actually end up blistering myself in an English speaking crowd for once. That was pretty much all of the love story and just like I would have Jamie sit and tell me that sometimes he didn’t know how to survive the day, I just hoped that I wouldn’t get to that ending somehow.

When there’s no ideas how can a day even be bright?

I felt as if I was in an incubator, as if I couldn’t see anything even if the window was right in front of me and all I could feel was anxiety which was gripping. And it was far too late to even call Alex and I had no idea what we were even, where we were standing, what was I

What was I to him

Was I a shag gone wrong because it ended up scrambling forwards, allowing itself to blossom? Was that all I actually fucking was? What if I was now his breakfast? And I didn’t hold and lit a cigarette, allowing my body to lazily flop halfway out of the window, as if gripping on thin air to allow myself to feel the edge of falling into nothing which would be death, maybe I should’ve traded myself out not to have boredom, but then I should just go to church for such thoughts. And maybe then my night should be made.

I went to bed closing the night with all its curtains and thankful for a small but good apartment, my head going through the files of apartments both me and Jamie had shared starting from drug dealers, sharing houses with landlords and all the disasters that all had happened and somehow we all with enough faith end up in something which isn’t so bad, but until then the nightmares are just like non-cracked nuts: entirely useless.

The next morning I nearly slept through the whole day, seeing absolutely no meaning in holding it before heading outside and wandering through the main streets after a longer train ride with people who were filling up every spot like sardines and then I was glared at by some small girl for some reason, reminding me of school once the girls I had dated found out that I was actually into men, and just like my parents they had grown an extra head that day which had hated me. It’s hard to write in positive colours or even think of such things when the mood is grim. Only once I hit outside and the church struck six was it then that I wrote to Alex, chewing on some newly bought pick and mix, watermelon flavoured, that I was wondering how was he, and when would the next party be. That only allowed my mind to wander if I would ever have the guts to find a dark corner and please myself with Alex.

I wondered if I would ever have the guts to do anything among those lines and how would I even feel to have Arielle find out. I could still see Jamie complaining on the subject, but he would still grit his teeth through such things rather than speak them out loud, trying not to harm me as if we already had a very small thin line which we were balancing on and somehow even if we were standing on air, we had never fallen.

What if I had confessed my feelings to the wrong man? I wondered if Jamie would be walking around at this time, since he was always quite a keen walker and I wondered if I even had wanted to see him or if I had wanted to strike very lucky with Alex again. But then once you open a tap, the water comes out, so maybe I would strike lucky with Alex who knew? And what if he was the one? That was surely a story I would only tell once I grew up. I ended up wondering all the way into the old town, dodging all the tourists with their palette of languages as they all wondered, proud enough not to ask where they would be heading. Maybe it was time indeed to text Jamie as well. But I still managed not to do it.

Days are idle, days are boring and deadlines end up being hung around the ceiling like bats. I ended up waiting the whole day for Alex to reply and nothing had happened up to the point that I had decided to resend my text with no reply whatsoever and all what my mind could comfort me with was the fact that perhaps he would miraculously show up in my door, take off his jacket and I would jump on him, trailing my fingers down and down his body, feeling him ready. But neither did that happen, instead I ignored two of Jamie’s texts and it wasn’t at all like that was the first time that I had ignored him either or that he had ignored me. And it wasn’t like this was the first idle day of my life and it just felt like everything was crumbling.

But just like any morning, you wake up and somehow you’re okay. I woke up to the loud sound of pounding on the door, only it wasn’t morning any longer and it was well past into the day and I had all my deadlines met last night, so it just left with my day feeling like something to kill rather than anything else. I could barely even open my eyes, wishing that whoever it was would just find another way to knock elsewhere, regardless if they wanted me specifically or not. It seemed too early for Jamie, so the only person I could imagine was Alex and only that was the pure reason behind me waking up. Because Jamie would’ve eventually taken out his pair of keys and gotten himself something to drink, while waiting for me and then watched some trash telly, while I’d catch the last tears of avoiding the day.

It wasn’t even that I didn’t want to see Alex, it was that my body wasn’t producing the right sentences in my head, allowing me to chew on them properly since I had confessed and not gotten an answer. What if I didn’t get an answer not just because I didn’t deserve one, but specifically because it wasn’t meant to be.

Alex was properly dressed in his leather jacket, zipped up all the way reminding both of us of the weather, but it seemed like both of us were clutching to the ends of it and forcing softer coats upon our shoulders. Watching him through sleepy eyelids and pure fear was surely one of my least favourite experiences and I wondered how come we’ve gone so far from being a regular hookup to a more distinct and colourful one. I didn’t even know how I had barely managed to even keep conversations with people and now I had Alex in my door far more often in my mind than I would be hunting him down. And he was brighter than a kaleidoscope would’ve been. I knew that it was him, so I didn’t even bother to slip into jeans, allowing him in and I wondered if I had been some metaphor for vulnerability.

“Hey.” He had told me before I could even stomach anything, but instead my mind cluttered entirely, the songs spinning in my head forming nothing and becoming annoying noise. I felt like a kindergardener not knowing what could a meetup even mean, and of course he wasn’t talking. Instead he just headed inside and I felt as if the only thing I could do was simply manage some tea for him, but instead I just stood there rooted to the ground. I felt lost.

“Look-” I start but instead he kisses he hastily, before realizing what a chance he’s missing and places my lips upon his again and again, again and again, before opening my mouth and I open mine without properly realizing it, as if silencing me to tell that it’s all a big sex game and somehow the experimenting Alex keeps crawling further, as if addicted and I wonder if it’s even me he’s addicted to. I just pull him closer to me, feeling his hands go under my plain old t-shirt, pushing it up to reveal me. I feel myself breathing heavier and both of our eyes meet and I can see in his deep brown eyes that he doesn’t want to discuss it but they don’t tell me a thing if he’s thought about it properly and what has crossed his mind. I can’t help but wonder if he had a sleepless night and how come he hadn’t texted me and how far was he even pushing it. Where were we going, baby?

And I didn’t know where would I even stop with the questions-

As he just kissed my jaw,

What did my words mean to you?

As he kissed my neck,

Do you love me too?

And it all seemed like ecstasy, travelling down and forth my body, rocking me as I was already heavily breathing as he was soon enough on his knees, pulling my underwear down, exposing me right to him, as I was hard already. I bite my lip, cursing at myself silently, which Alex takes as pure sexual frustration rather than anything else, stroking my legs as he slowly licks the tip, closing his eyes, taking me in his mouth and that’s when I can only think of the questions and I feel myself so anxious that it turns me on even more. I try to think of something else as he sucks on me harshly, digging his nails into my skin, not allowing me a second breath. If I come and then start talking it would be more than unfair, but then he just takes even more in his mouth and I look down on him gagging. I push his head closer to me, pulling him by his hair as I hold his head still, thrusting deeper as I can feel him barely take me. I don’t hold and dissolve entirely, coming fast in his mouth, moaning out loud in the corridor.

Instantly after I do so, a wave of sadness washes over me as he coughs lightly, rubbing his neck, looking up at me, sheepishly now slumped on the floor with his jeans more than visibly tenting. I just go on top of him, kissing him hastily, feeling my taste in his mouth, a bit gross, but it doesn’t turn either of us off. I keep my eyes closed as I myself travel lower to suck him off. I think it’s a first where I feel more mechanical, knowing that if I were to have sex it’s better to have it now. I don’t even know if after I ask we will have more discussions? I know that it may be it for all I ever cared. The problem once you start speaking is that everything you might say can hurt a person in a way or another, it’s not even for some reason, it’s just because it happens. And that’s when a person falls out and you might never know if the person loved you back. It would make sense in a novel, as you read, thinking that surely the plot wasn’t closed, that the person will come back, but in real life, they never do and you can only be left guessing if they had ever loved you at all. And that is how it simply ends, with no knowledge and guessing and wondering how come one small phrase ended it all. Even just thinking it doesn’t make much sense.

So I go down on Alex, booming him nearly instantly knowing that all the frilly foreplay is much beyond him after blowing me. I get turned on again, but I don’t care, going on him slower and slower until he moans for me to go faster, but my head is still and already filled up with the fact that I need to find the energy and guts to even ask him what do I mean to the other young man. What was I to him and how come I didn’t even get a small reply on what was I doing when I had stated it. Why hadn’t he asked me anything at all? How come his lips were entirely tapped shut?

And he comes in my mouth, I cringe but swallow. Holding him down, as he moans even louder than I had, clutching onto my head, moans becoming softer as the orgasm eases and lets him go. He lays there, eyes closed, jacket still buttoned as if it’s cold in the apartment, pants just barely unzipped and slightly pulled down, looking entirely spent. Alex lays there for a while as I just go up and he throws his arms around me, pulling me closer to him, clutching as he regains his breath. We lay there for a while on the corridor rug, shoes a bit away from us. Then he pats me on the back.

“I’ve got to get going. I promised Arielle I wouldn’t be long.” He coughs lightly and I wonder if he had caught a cold. “She’s been very clingy these days, I can’t go anywhere at all, she thinks a couple should be doing absolutely everything together.”

“Well, she’s right-” I say, barely summoning to find the words, but then I realize that I should man up somehow, as if I was staring at my reflection and telling myself that the crying teen in eyeliner wasn’t me and never was. I felt as if no matter how much I tried to dress up and look, I would still look sloppy and somehow that I wouldn’t be able to finally manage to find the confidence the clothes would.

“Alex, we really need to talk” is what I say straight up, still clutching onto him on the said rug. He just looks at me confused. I wonder where does his confusion even come from as I can barely feel my arm from underneath him as we had decided to curl up like lovebirds. And now is his falling confusion which surprises me. He just untangles himself from my embrace, pushing himself a bit away from me, as if realizing what the topic of the discussion even is. It crosses my mind that Jamie would just judge me for all the sudden actions and wouldn’t have done this, possibly judging because he rarely falls in love. And I can see him smoking a cigarette as he rants and I wish I were with him instead because this with Alex is simply terrifying now.

“You never replied.” I just say simply and I know that it’s what the question he’s running away from sounds like and I know that’s what’s causing his sleepless nights if he had ever been graced by any in the past few days. And he looks at me like a deer in the headlights.

“Because there’s nothing to reply, Miles.” And I just sit up, look at him, as if struck and my mind goes entirely blank. It’s not like I hadn’t known that this is a mere hook-up which had gone more than wrong in all the ways, because it had. It had ended up cracking much earlier, allowing me to paint through all the cracks and believe that he had somehow found some love with me, when he was plainly just cheating on his girlfriend.


Prior to this story I wasn't too into the song No. 1 Party Anthem to be honest, but it inspired this story and it had stuck to it. Also I had a different idea for the title originally. 

Sorry I'm rather late, it's been a nightmare to write due to really bad anxiety and depression, so I'm really sorry. I'm really trying my best. I just get scared of everything and that it's not good enough, so if you could tell me that you liked it that would make it much easier. Thank you

It was a nightmare to write it because my mind was blank and I was pretty much going Nanowrimo style and binging on it for 1.5 k twice. I just felt like writing this story and nothing else besides anxiety could stop me xD 

I just went on to describe depression shamelessly to be honest and then that night I went to bed and I kind of thought of the whole scene with Alex and prayed that I wouldn't forget it until morning, thankfully I didn't. 

I added pick and mix just coz I really felt like it and I guess it comes from writing so much in Blue/Jacket with it.

I'm sorry for the short story but I really just binged through it, listening to everything from Marina to Radiohead to blues. I really tried my best to get it out and I'm sorry that it took so long and I'll hopefully won't struggle as much in the future, sorry I'm really not feeling well.

Thank you



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