Thursday, 17 September 2015

Velvet Shadows

When you have depression you rewind life or rather life does it for you, you get rewired with some misery attached which keeps growing like a blood stain on a shirt, when the blood is coming from nowhere and doesn’t really soak the fingers. Every day seems as torturous as the last and soon enough the feeling of hunger just flies away and the fingers just seem to be doing something by themselves, just to keep the mind occupied and the ideas keep getting pinned down and down, some sense of urgency, that nothing is enough, that everything should be more and more sped up

that there’s not enough time

I keep strumming, harder and harder, 

slowly getting the words out of my mouth and I’m surprised by the choice of day as I look outside to quickly see a figure and as soon as I notice the short silhouette I feel the bed finally break, it’s legs give in and all of me, the guitar and the amp getting cushioned by the mattress as the figure disappears and I just look at the Jaguar in my hands. 

I end up pushing off the mattress out of the bed’s carcass and it starts seeming threatening for the back up to the point that I cut on the coffee, my fingers just strumming harder, words still not coming and everything becoming mumbo jumbo. My back slowly starts to give in as the bed once did and I see that I’ll need new pieces of wood if I need to mend it and everyone else is either on couches or beds all over the house. I don’t even want to ask and I keep myself to myself as I wait for the coffee to boil and she just watches me until I glance at her and then she goes back to peeping behind her notebook, I sigh, a bit frustrated but a ten year difference shows both on our interested and correlated interests. 

Depression feels chocking once you got outside and socializing becomes a necessity which the brain seems to brainwash itself with as if it would be the key to something and something as simple as getting ibuprofen for the back becomes an unsimple task even in a small Boots with teenagers near the makeup section and queues of people getting prescriptions.
There is also some nostalgia for the unknown.

It becomes odd when
I see that she’s infatuated, she watches me softly, slowly peeking from her notebook her hair trimmed entirely last night from black and blonde now a closer mud brown and her clothes baggy hiding her entirely with a bunch of necklaces around her neck and watchful brown eyes looking at me and quickly stashing the glowing curiosity hidden from me to see as I stir the coffee with one sugar spoon, the bitterness to drown my bones.
I groan making my way to the corridor as she peeks, watching me and I take the phone, tapping my pockets as I start dialing, the circled number in the phone book, which is now once opened with upholsterers. There is no need in a new bed and I cut out all the magazines unable to make a proper stack to hold half the bed.

I watch her and she watches me back. A few years younger she could be my Lolita if I was straight.

I glance back into one of the open bedrooms and I pull the phone with its cords and the book in the process just away from the girls eyes and I lock the door.
I slam myself against it. And I hear it keep dialing. The girl presses her ear against the door.


"Third man upholstery." I look at the circled number with ‘cunt owes me, bloody American’ on it. I clear my throat.

"You owe me." I can’t fake an American voice and I wonder who died in the bathtub that the stench comes with the bubbles.

"Excuse me?" The accent sounds from somewhere, I presume. I click my tongue and cross my arms.

"You owe me…" I look at the book. "Cunt."


"My bed broke, you wanker."

"Oh, shit! I’m sorry yeah, I’ll fix it, don’t worry Mr. Gallagher." What? Was that the guy who drowned, I look back as if I would see the bathtub hanging like a painting.

"How-" shit, I can’t ask how much. "Fix it."

And I drop the phone, my teeth chattering against my heart and the girl thumps back into her couch.
"FUCK!" I scream and I just head back up, my body shaking and day and night a cocktail I drink twice. I feel like my skeleton holds a void and the skin is a badly wrapped wrapper as soon as I’m stung and the girl is surely thinking of me. I exit the room and I try to make more noise, as if to remind of my living to myself as I head back to the destroyed bed and three piles of read books and a few scattered just to be stepped on and read.


I feel as if the girl standing outside is some metaphor of a sexuality deviant to me, yet required watching me and it feels even a bit irritating that another man’s desire is like a fish carrying an umbrella for my own lust. 

Misery is a lifelong companion with doubts.

It only gets worse and the tranquilizers get stronger until there is no way, even with the strongest addiction nothing works, not even the desire to be numbed about. I feel like shooing her off and banging the door, I don’t want to hear of her at the time, irritation fiddling with me, the long fingers threading through the hair, pulling more apart. 


I started writing this... I don't even know how long ago I've written this and hid it under wraps, before last year's Nanowrimo and this was what I had dropped when I got pissed at Alison last year and started writing An Ode. So here's the grand unveiling really xD 

This was based off how Jamie and Alison met and kind of making it a bit dystopic and I wanted Jack in. 

I dunno I always enjoyed listening to them talk about how they met and how Jamie had found her as a creepy stalker and that kind of always attracted me to write about it and I've written about it in different stories because frankly it's a pretty story and nice to fantasize about. 

If I'll recall correctly than the person who lived next door to Jamie and Alison who threw out all the recording gear due to their death was called something like Ian Gallagher so that's where the Gallagher part comes from. Also that Jamie had stated that he had some card and that inspired the scene as well. 

I hope you enjoyed it and sorry for the short backstory, but I really just went on with this story really:)

if you enjoyed it please tell me :3



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