Tuesday, 22 September 2015

We've all been broken. There is something in the polaroids we take of the ones we love. 7

I don’t sleep that night, spending too much time outside that I eventually get a cold and the throat pain keeps me up that I end up watching everything there is in the morning ranging from cooking shows to Dr. Phil, both are just as amusing and I wonder if this is how feeling ill feels like again and I recall an old conversation with Miles, as if I had broken up with him rather than Brian. It felt as if Miles was the cat I had given up all of a sudden, as if Miles had been the boyfriend all along and that kept circulating in my head, as if I was young again and hearing voices that one time and I had wondered what had that been. I woke up my parents by crying then, but now when you’re grown up and single again, there is no one to comfort at all, not even a cat.

I used to talk to mice but last time I rented an apartment with mice I had shooed them off. I had wondered now for the rest of the morning why had I done that and how come I was even left alone again and how come sometimes you know that it’s the end and sometimes you don’t. Thinking of such I wondered if the people or Brian who had tried desperately the previous times had some knowledge that it wasn’t over at all and that’s why he had tried. What about everyone else? Had they known that it was truly over or they had no idea at all that’s why they would try calling as if doing a Russian roulette if I would pick up since the number was now blocked. And how come looking back at Brian before we had moved in it was always a nightmare to call him, only now to realize and know from his mouth that Stefan wasn’t one to share so that explained the angry yelling at each other on the phone, trying to get Brian on. 

I don’t go to Arielle’s party that night and I wonder how much money does she even end up spending on booze, but I’m sure it’s somewhere close to my cheque as I head out from buying alcohol first thing after I exit the house with all the different coloured bottles and small price sings with no offer, the only propaganda being not to drink and unfriendliness in asking the ID as if you’re 12 again and buying cider. I don’t see the drill, as I walk out and that’s when I see Valentine again, nearly rushing into the store but then she stops.

Arielle’s party should have started by now and she just turns around and looks at me, first relived, then confused, assuming the bottles don’t look very party-esque and more of a party of one and she’s entirely right. She has her hair up today, in a messy way and her face is bare as usual, fresh and she manages to always look rather good with it, as I cut off any word from my vocabulary. We stand on the staircase, staring as if we were also lost lovers. I scratch my head, greeting her and she just goes down on the stairs. 

“Hey, Jamie, why aren’t you at the party?” She asks in her usual thick accent. Now we’re all watered down when we speak. It’s not even that she’s not there, it’s that we’re both not there, but I look far more guilty in less flattering clothes than her party dress. Then she waits a bit so that she gave me half a second to reply, before she adds. “Why aren’t you at the party with Miles?”

What do you do when you’re having a bad day?

What do you do when you’re feeling depressed?

Is such questions which I don’t even dare to utter. 

You always think you’re the one who reminisces, but everyone does and even in your own life’s choices and situations. I just keep looking at her bewildered with her bellbottom pants and how she manages to stick out of the crowd and I just shake it off, feeling a bit uncomfortable with how she sticks out of the crowd or rather for me she sticks out how even meeting her twice out of other circumstances makes me want to invite her anywhere, since I can’t seem to be with Miles even in the same room and maybe I should shake it up a bit, maybe I should be thinking outside of the box just like Alex had in his own way. I get a pinch of jealousy all of a sudden by thinking of Alex and Miles, so I just try to shake it off.

In her eyes I was still some lost ex of Miles or someone who had found their love unrequited, which was entirely truthful. I was indeed a lost ex which had no idea where to even go from here even if I wasn’t one to admit it fully to myself. She takes the chance, unlike me. 

“Is that an invitation?” She had laughed and I wonder how much is actually body language with our interactions and is it how we tell when someone even tips lightly? What if I had been lying to myself this whole time and is it even safe to keep the same label when you’re not sure and I never thought I would even question my sexuality again years later in my twenties again and the other way when it seemed far more than obvious as I was growing in my teenage years. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be at Arielle’s party?” I throw the question back at her, realizing that I’d prefer my questioning to myself at this point. She holds the same answer as I do, as if she’s supposed to mirror me again, as if there was something.

No one can ever take away the happiness you’ve felt whether it was staying at home instead of school, being the tallest in class at some point or sharing a bed with Miles, but none should ever hold you back from doing more happy things, just because some passed, doesn’t mean that more won’t come. And somehow I didn’t want to take anything lukewarm from myself either. And my mood seemed to be an odd puzzle where even looking back on my thoughts I wouldn’t understand my said happiness and what had strung it together, when Brian’s departure was doing a big gaping hole, not even that I missed Brian as much as I missed having anyone and life seemed dull, even while Miles had been there. It’s as if I couldn’t muddle up all my thoughts together again and I kept staring at her, refreshed from any human contact these days. Because slowly you realize what the benefits of an office are which are mainly the fact that you remain around people. 

Work becomes easy at time and that’s when you’re only slowly pushing yourself further when you go insane. 

“We ran out of alcohol already.” And I can only presume the party was started at an early hour for all of us to manage to get liquor in as much as possible for a quick refill. She still seems to be holding on her legs. Valentine had been coming in and out of my thoughts recently and that just seems to open a box of what does she expect and I feel myself confused and wrapped in a web of loneliness which demands at least a new close friend, since I ended up fucking it all up with Miles. Would I even want to be in a relationship with a woman as Valentine seems to be flirting with me? And all these thoughts managed to squeeze in the seconds before I could even open my mouth to speak up, but she interrupts me. Maybe I do look that miserable. “But I can join up your party of one and make it a two.”

I don’t know how to reply to her as I look at her baggy yet perfectly shaped clothing. I just shrug, possibly from the fact that I was taught to never refuse anyone under any circumstances because then you get lonely. And I had happened to be so lonely that my days glued together, crumbled and I hadn’t known what was even going on anymore. 

Desperation and adrenaline come from loneliness. 

“Great... Then more booze for us.” She says in her thick French accent, smiling and holding the alcohol bottles up that they clink for a bit. It’s decided to head over to mine’s because it’s not that much of a train ride and due to the overcrowded underground trains we remain silent, standing close to each other and she’s not that much shorter than I am. Valentine pretends to focus ahead, but I can’t help but wonder what goes on in her head and how much further has her thinking gone and if she had possibly labelled me as bisexual, which I never identified as or maybe there is some expression we all do before we decided that we are indeed into the person, so that the other doesn’t die in despair? Do we hope because we are actually given proper evidence? And it’s a complete other thing to see if the person will go with it, because attraction will never be denied that it existed towards you in the first place. 

I wondered how much hope she had and in the light of recent events how much did she indeed. It felt odd to even have her stand next to me as I solely felt drained and dropped into this as if into cold water. I couldn’t talk to her about Miles which was the one making my blood go insanely cold and freeze up all my thoughts as well. I wondered how much has she listened to everyone shipping me and Miles and my protests that we were never a couple, was that where the hope sprouted from? 

Is it even okay to think so often of one person when you’re not interested? But the somehow things don’t go as planned and maybe it’s all a consolation?

It felt as if I was having a crisis while we were riding the few stops and I tried not to even dare myself let wonder where I was even going with Valentine. I had too many ghosts of my past to even think about, which traced their fingers on my skin as I would sleep. 

Love will always make you delusional, that’s why it’s taken me so many years with Brian and now Miles was spinning a web of all my feelings and did I even want to go through everything once more? What’s the point of playing the same game all over and over again? If love is a game, how come we’re all so addicted and we just keep replaying? 
It becomes a more meaningless version of monopoly where we just gain nothing in the end. 

But then I think the thing is that people give up and we end up spinning from person to person, as if it’s all a bunch of dance partners. Maybe life is a waltz by the end of the day, at least love should be. I had managed to be in the same dance room as Brian for many years and we have both changed. While with Miles we would only touch hands at the end of each song and then change partners anyway. 

We arrived at the stop with people still waiting most likely until the last stop and we just exited and I felt awful for barely talking even if we both knew that alcohol would loosen both of our tongues. Before I could even speak, she got her phone out and just replied with a text, most likely warning them that someone else should get the alcohol and I just hoped they wouldn’t send Alex and Miles because they wouldn’t come back. 


I know it took me ages, I was too knackered and my mental health has been jumping up and down again. So I'm really sorry about that, but I've decided what I'm doing for Nano this year and I'll keep it under wraps for now. I'm awfully looking forward to it.

I wasn't really a tv person but recently my anxiety had been rather bad and I found that just leaving it as background noise it really helps me and that's pretty much what happens. I was ill and it was impossible to sleep and what helped me was watching telly as well (this is months ago since I write chapters rather slowly :) at times, specifically the longer ones). And when I was ill I ended up on Dr. Phil that's where it comes from really.

There's an interview where Jamie said he would talk to mice, that's where that's taken from (gee, how many interviews have I even read xD). 

There's a specific booze store in the centre of Stockholm which stuck out to me for this scene, specifically next to it there's a staircase and yeah, it's pretty much pretty in Stockholm if you must. 

This story is far more story telling than anything else even if I string feelings from here and there, so the backstory is mostly YES, I THOUGHT OF THIS XD 

You can clearly see where I am depressed and where I'm okay and one of those things is the happiness paragraph which is now deviant to me. 

Also this story is the flipcoing to No. 1 Party Anthem which Jamie starting to question his sexuality, in a way which Alex does in No. 1 Party Anthem, that's why I love them together so much. 

I like the ending because it has a sort of happy but sad to Jamie ending to it really. I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so

Thank you



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