Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Broken Black Varnish Requiem 11

When you have no schedule time flies harder. And parties hold no meaning as if there is no prey and nothing besides food on said barbeque as I feel a bit weak from all the meat getting cooked as Jamie stands next to Jack and neither do I have the courage to tell him anything about the school girl crush I am having as a married woman. 

I don’t know why you can never change people so when you look back with odd memories and telling people of different things like even that Alex was pansexual as I had mentioned his ex back in college there was a bigger outrage that I had been marrying some half-man, also finding out that Jamie was never human in the eyes of a family as well. It was odd to hear that with both Alex and Jamie in the living room, feeling my mother’s nails dig into me.

I still hadn’t told her that Alex was infertile. 

That would’ve blown off everything considering the fact that I had quit my job, deciding that depression and a child would already be enough on my plate and we had both been content with the house and Alex’s salary. We didn’t travel too much either and I could always get something small part-time when I could. But speaking of the future was odd when there was a different side of the coin where I couldn’t speak to as Jack turned the meat over and I saw how well-done it was.

And how come only the men which had touched me in a way friendship and all mattered who they had slept with while those on telly were okay enough to slip some smiling silence on. I seemed to keep looking at the meat as if it would be my death, as even Jack silenced to ask me laughing if I had been that hungry and I just shook my head, not even allowing to rest my eyes on him, for then I would stare for days wondering and twisting my fantasies to please me. And when Alex was at work I wondered while thinking of Jack, was it because I could never accept an idle life with no worry? Because everything seemed still and moving into the same direction? Is cheating really when life breaks you down and the energy is left but there is nothing to fix, so you break it even more?

And speaking to Alex of it wasn’t even tempting, it just felt like a dissolving dream I couldn’t even recall as he would be back and we would be sitting back together in the couch with the lights dimmed and I would never know why was I even ever loved. 


It' sometimes weird to write backstories when I'm writing another story, like I was writing So you can sink. just now, so my mind is a bit there XD so I'll stick to the backstory of this one xD

I'll try to push out more just that depression has been taking it's toll again and I've had a bunch of work to do and I still need to bring the new tumblr back to life so yeah. Okay, I spaced out xD I'm awfully tired and I got this chapter done, yay

I got obsessed with How To Get Away With Murder and Michaela's character just drove me up the walls with her disgust that her fiance slept with a man. Because he's with you, his previous partners don't matter and the last or he's bisexual and as if being bisexual also meant not attracted to women, so that kind of made me more keen on the stance of making Alison quite a vocal supporter of her husband's sexuality and full understanding that sexuality is one thing and another is that you can be with someone out of your sexuality or in it, but just because they had partners of other genders that doesn't mean anything. And I kind of wanted to shed some light on male bisexuality/pansexuality which is treated ignorantly and the female partners are erased, yeah, it's a queer sexuality but it doesn't erase the female attraction (if the person states so). Also growing up where gay men aren't seen as men is also addressed. 

It didn't dawn on me much until Callie had mentioned to me the other night but it was the one of few cases where you actually deal with a couple where someone is queer talking about children and wanting them and well, trying to make blood-linked ones since it's something me and Callie can do, of course I want to raise awareness because people still think that gay couples/queer couples can't reproduce and kind of talk of concieving and etc is rarely talked about, only IVF in cis lesbian couples if you go by media or adoption which I will be touching later. But I wanted to talk of that. Also, I've talked of it plenty but I was infertile for a while due to hormonal imbalance and kind of seeing how... twisted and awful a family can be due to infertility was something I will address here, because... I really wish I hadn't gone through the whole speech of "that is your meaning in life" since I have a vagina. And it's not great to hear when I've gone through emotional abuse.

Also I grew up or I still come from places which have a tremendous cult of giving birth, like literally the problem with gay couples is the ability not to reproduce. 

And about Alison, I freelance and I have mental health disorders so of course it's easier to be at home at times, so I kind of went on to think that it would be easier for her as well. And in general I love her character here (love interests aside). 

I obviously discussed Alison's vegan side here. I actually feel very uncomfortable with raw food and I can't really watch food getting cooked, that's just me. 

You get scared when someone loves you, for me it was awfully scary to see Callie love me when we started dating because I got hammered in my head that no one would ever love me, so yeah, I spoke on that. Obviously I've accepted her love over the years, but it's... quite a scary thing to realize that someone loves you really and wonderful as well.

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you, dears



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