“Sexuality is a broken compass. You don’t know what north is.” Alex breathes out under the covers and I dream we’re sleeping in a cave and he looks at me, hot air coming out in swirls out of his mouth. “I’m always attracted to men without knowing it.”
I wake up and he’s out of the bed, my phone vibrating from texts.
I wonder if we love the past where Alex hasn’t been and I’m left alone with my thoughts as I recall when I had first become friends with Jamie, it took me a few years to realize that it wasn’t just friendship which I had wanted from the guy in leather shoes with the stripy t-shirt who walked on stage, covering Captain Beefheart alone, grinding against the guitar, using the beer bottle when it had been illegal to drink and then he had been in trouble and I recall him sitting outside the small school concert we had with everyone wanting to be Britney or Christina, after getting a scolding, his fringe clenching tight onto his forehead as he was smoking outside. He had been my classmate but we didn’t talk as much. It’s odd to think that back then we thought we were into women so we ended up talking on a park bench until the day shifted back from the night in the early hours of around 2 a.m. reminding us of the middle school break. And then next year we sat together, Jamie paying attention as I would only try, wondering how come I never noticed him before. It’s odd that our parents had loved him and that once he’s got a bloke’s tongue down his throat it was over.
Maybe that’s why we wouldn’t tell each other we loved because we were scared of coming out again. A small detail that I wished we slept in the same bed.
I bite my phone, dreading the texts and Alex’s empty bed side, but at least unlike Jamie he was shagging me and admitting something. And Alex seemed a bit more than the second best. So how many people do we actually love by the end?
Only with time you can blow the dust to reveal what had indeed been precious about those moments. And then we can enjoy all the misfortunes we’ve had in a different light and memories feel lighter, because you’ll always remember how drunk you had been that you feel in love rather than how much your heart had shattered the next day in the same region with stale nachos.
I feel as if the only way to see Alex is to go to his house again, as memories dunk in black ink, choosing a brighter suit which would cause Jamie to either smoke staring blankly at a wall before grinning or laughing right away, telling me that I looked great and as he would look back at me in the mirror I would go to sleep, thinking that there is a parallel world where we actually love each other, not just platonically because that doesn’t seem to work with me but then maybe it would if I had heard it from his mouth as he would breathe out the smoke instead of vanish for days with Brian to come back when our feelings are rinsed and forgotten and we had forgotten that we were friends.
And I muse on while eating breakfast, nothing from Jamie, but I still presume he’s alive, since he’s not really the suicidal type besides a few slips in which I had held his wrists with my hands not to do anything drastic which the whole world might regret when he’d be cold. I text him either way, because it’s always slow in conversation until someone picks up and I figure that since Groundhog Day is one of my favourite movies, let my life be one until I get Alex in my life again, so I shamelessly and perhaps a bit manic decide that it’s fair to head over to Alex’s again.
And I go believing that nothing can go wrong and I can confess some love in that brief moment when you think you can confess everything and you know the person and all will be great, Arielle opens the door as usual, shielding her already done face with bigger lashes than usual from the sun. And I wonder if she takes as much as it sometimes takes me dress up and gel my hair from bed hair in the morning and which one is worse after all from bed hair? Wouldn’t it be easier to brush it all off anyway?
“Sorry, Alex is working today, I just took a day off for myself.” And she takes her jacket, eyes sparkling with a new idea since I may be the new gay best friend again. Arielle smiles at me and gives me a bit of shivers as she puts her arm over mine. “C’mon, you’re Alex’s friend, I want to be your friend too.”
I can see that she’s clearly not thinking that I am fucking her boyfriend or that I don’t want to be her friend at all, but that doesn’t go through the brunette’s mind at all. I decide to play along, as if she were a parent who would show me Alex’s naked baby photos. But then how would Alex feel about this and I think of his lips a bit far too intensely. And I don’t know how he’d feel and I know she would drag me anywhere whether I wanted it or not and I decide to kill time since I forgot that some people have far more strict schedules than deadlines and love. And she’s already out of the door, closing it as if conforming that Alex is really not in the house and I wonder if he had snuck out in the evening and she’s far too relaxed to even think that her boyfriend might be getting pinned by someone else in a different apartment.
“Did I ever tell you how me and Alex met?” Arielle asks, grinning and I assume that there is literally nothing I can sneak out to, that she’s set on her mind and I’m one to escape until the deadlines are on. But I’m still misty on the fact that I really don’t know what she’s actually trying to get to here. I shake my head, voicing a no and in that ends up being a motion for her to go on. “We met on a party.”
She says but obviously there’s no tone of irony in her voice, because irony can be as heavy as a hammer and comic as one as well in a cartoon and maybe love is a comedy. And her opened topic makes me wonder how had it been for Alex at that time when he had met me. What had crossed through his mind at that point and what had he decided, how much had he lusted for that matter and then I have this faint image of a crying Arielle once she finds out and I wonder how can I even live with this and even head somewhere with her. Or did Alex realize that he had wanted me later on in the night which now in memory I could paint as many stars as I want because memories are always more beautiful than the moment because you forget the scent of anxiety. And how even was it for Alex by the end of the day to fulfill his latest fantasy and how much at stake had it felt or was he solely in a whirlwind of passion at the time and that had been sufficient to kill off any morals and cheat on your girlfriend? And is it fated for you to sin? Does God truly know everything then?
“I know this new bakery, I’ve always wanted to try it, is that okay?” She asks me, snapping me back with her done curls. I just nod, wondering what else would she reveal and what else could she say that she would regret, but you open up to people before you know the things they would speak. And the bakery feels a bit too small and surreal, but I assume it has to match the reason that people should go outside instead of buying a cake in the grocery store and it’s overpriced but I only care because I’m still used to complaining about it, but I end up getting some vanilla thing either way with a name called “Fairy” which I text Jamie about, without thinking and it takes only until we sit that Arielle opens her mouth.
“Oh, is that your boyfriend?” She asks and I can’t even recall if she’s asked me that before. She takes a bite of her pink and purple looking also fairy cake, but I didn’t get the difference of flavors. I shake my head, but she asks anyway. “So who’s the top or bottom, then?”
I widen my eyes, shaking my head, digging the fork into the cake, surprised at the Grindr terminology already.
“Actually we’re both vers, as far as I’m aware of and-”
“Vers?” She asks, swallowing and already taking her phone to get a selfie with the cake and I only wonder if she’s doing this under some hashtag like girls eat which ends up spiraling discussions which end up being the butt of Jamie’s joke or Brian’s as he would try the hashtags to get a bunch of odd comments which would be looked at under alcohol.
“It’s... when you both-” Arielle interrupts me.
“Fuck at the same time.” I blink at her reply.
“Take turns, whoever feels like what.” I say, wondering why do I end up being some Gay ED teacher only I’m not telling people they’ll have gay sex and die, on the opposite I’m encouraging young heterosexuals to discover they’re not so straight after all.
“What if you both want to top?”
“You find a compromise, I’m sure...” I was going to say you have it too, but I realize that I have no idea, I’m still living in the fact that all they do is missionary with no foreplay and that somehow doesn’t work and neither do I want to know. I just shrug, hoping she would switch topic. Jamie replies.
“Who’s Jamie, then?” Arielle doesn’t stop asking, even after posting and tagging the selfie.
“My friend. We’ve never fucked, if that’s what you’re going to ask next.” She just shrugs, as if motioning that she wasn’t when she clearly was. Alex’s girlfriend stands up and sits on the chair next to me, putting the camera in front of us and opens her mouth, grinning as she takes a confused selfie with me in it, chewing.
“Aren’t you sad you haven’t fucked your crush though?” She pouts, looking at me and before I protest she looks at me judging. I don’t put much of an act on and I do text him often in front of her, but then as if she doesn’t but Alex is her alibi. And I feel dreadful when people say that spot on and you’ve got to lie somehow, but instead she pauses. “Well, unless he’s straight then don’t go for him.”
And she looks at me, dead in the eye, before breaking into a new replaceable smile.
“Well, I’d go for anyone who’s good looking, but y’know.” Then she remembers. “And if he’s straight I’ve got a great girl for him. She’s french, lovely, called Valentine, a friend of mine, poor soul broke up recently with her fiancé. She’s -”
“Jamie’s gay.” I say. “I don’t think he’d be interested in Valentine, sorry.”
I shrug and Arielle, sighs, asking me if I have any straight friends for said Valentine. And I even muse, but me and Jamie had been tight enough to be a married couple for both pair of our parents, allowing them absolutely nothing to the imagination and for some reason we never denied much, believing that perhaps it would be easier to agree with whatever they say just for them to piss off until then only some words would reach us to let us hear whoever had an issue with us, when it came to old school friends but even they drifted off and no one states than anyone barely stays and even your best friend will never become your lover, because you’ll never let anyone in, no matter how dark the night had been and how many records you’ve spun and taken enough alcohol to barely move and you’ll never
never have the guts to kiss the guy you love. And Brian coming along was easier because then I could lie to myself that all was lost and I knew that once they would break up again I would find my way into Jamie’s bed so in a way I was very and utterly pleased that Alex came into my life so that I wouldn’t ended up conflicting with platonic and just let it be, letting my anger into a small game of darts which Jamie had given to me for some holiday and I had wished that I could touch his face but the most I’ve done is help him shave a side after he had some reckless razor burns once. And that was it with a bunch of broken stars. In a way Alex ended up being more than a shag which I was dragging on so that I wouldn’t fall in love again with the wrong man, which I had loved for a good while now.
And she waits for me to finish the cake, as she’s busy following people back and I just feel that I’m not one to go much into a marketing discussion, so I just keep my mouth shut and she still offers to go shopping as she gets curious in which stores do I even go to and it feels a bit awkward as I see her ask me what would I get Alex as a gift and in the end hours pass, that even Alex calls in on her to ask if he could join us. Which makes it even more awkward and I wonder how come he never notices the flush in my cheek as he gives Arielle a quick peck and she darts off, stating that she had decided on Alex’s gift either way, so we had to get out. I told Alex that I had no idea if it would be the hideous snap back or the really bad mustard coloured button up and he just smiled at me.
“Hey.” We both ended up saying to each other sheepily and I wondered how many gears had grinded in his head and what the hell was even going on, recalling his homophobic words and looking at him I could barely even recall them and even if he were a harsh eraser how come was he working so well? And he had looked lovely as well and I ignored the vibrating phone in my pocket which was most likely Jamie nagging that he had burnt his cup noodles. And I wondered what was there to even liking a person by the end of the day, was it really some compatibility in sex? What was it by the end of the day or was it really the fact that you could spent time in silence and have it just as meaningful while talking gibberish under alcohol or having the person’s skin under your nails?
I muse for a brief while, as we head into another store, as dictated to us by Arielle. And then I whisper into Alex’s ear.
“You asked about fantasies, you up for fucking in a dressing room? They’re not too monitored. Even fucking go on your knees if you want to.” And I briefly kiss his neck, as he flinches against me, but grins back, putting his arm around my shoulders, as he randomly grabs a really bad track suit and I grab a few t-shirts and as usual the store only has a few customers trying on some clothing. The mirror is filled with stickers asking for a selfie, but instead he pushes me against the wall, a small thud and we grin, hushing each other as we fumble with each other’s pants and I wonder if sex becomes the drive for love and would sex end up exploding into love and what is that makes you love and how long does it take and is it when you’re love is on his knees?
Instead I mock him by throwing a stripy shirt I had chosen on his head, as he made his way to my underwear.
“You’d look great in stripes.”
“You’re literally saying this moments before I take your dick in my mouth, Miles.”
“I don’t give a fuck, I love you.” Without thinking it much, before colour reaches my cheeks and Alex just looks at me up, a bit bewildered, much more colourful than I am and doesn’t say much, as he takes all of me in his mouth all at once and it doesn’t take me too long to get highly turned on that I have to ask him to slow down and looking at him all flushed and shy all of a sudden gives me far too much tender hope, wondering how much I am out of the loop and how easy it is to fall in love with someone who you barely know, because you can fall in love with the person they wish they are and maybe help them to become that and find yourself and somehow that becomes love.
And I feel terribly guilty for saying it, but I’m so near from his mouth, his fingers stroking the skin of my hips, soft moaning and a bit of gagging when he takes me in too fast when he’s booming that I end up coming is his mouth, cussing out loud, apologizing, but he manages to swallow with a very sour face and I just make out with him, wobbly legged as I press him against the wall.
“I’m sorry.” I say and he knows what’s it for. And he just shrugs, a small grin appears for him to say something cheeky, but instead he just keeps quiet, shrugging and pressing my lips against his own again as I make my way into his underwear, feeling how hot and turned on he is that it only takes a few strong strokes and my had is all sticky and his breath is all lukewarm, spilling against my throat filled with bites now. We don’t say anything, a fantasy turned far too much into some crystal castle, but we remain silent holding each other in our arms, wondering when would midnight strike if it even would at all.
Sometimes I have too many stories that I literally ask Callie what the fuck should I update now xD and she told me to do No. 1 Party Anthem which I've been slowly doing and I've been going through in my head, but not putting it down on paper at that point xD and it's one of my favourite stories and I was nearly done with it and the Alex/Miles video emerged which literally made my entire night xD and I kept rewatching it, thrilled about it and that I was writing this chapter so it even boosted my mood from listening to depressive music and guess that's why the ending is so uplifting xD and now as I'm writing the backstory I've got a fitting listening to an amp as a speaker, No. 1 Party Anthem the song xD giving it a rather matching effect xD
I liked the whole sentence when I came up with it in my head and I wrote it down as Alex's nearly right away:)
I got back into Jamie's No Wow looks and his whole stage persona with guitar sex during Dropout Boogie and frankly those performances are flawless and it's a Jamie which I used in Canteen I think (I should update it as well xD) but if you haven't seen Jamie do Dropout Boogie you're missing out on the hottest thing ever and the fact that it was a stage stunt makes it even more flawless, because it's just done out through and through perfectly which I guess the closest you could get now is Kissy Kissy but now he just takes the stage himself and frankly it's just you and him fucking his guitar.
When I first broke up with my first boyfriend or when things were drifting, I would believe that somewhere in a parralel universe we were still happy together and that would keep me going somehow, at the same time that helped me in dettaching from him, knowing that we were both gone.
I'm still obsessed with Groundhog Day, I just wish the love line wasn't so awful.
I've wanted a talk about Arielle and Alex, so here it is xD don't worry I'll explain it later xD
I love showing how lovely people can be when it comes to questions, I've had enough of them in my time when I would know how to communicate XD
Pretty much binged the whole thing yesterday night and today, woo
I was laughing at the Valentine shout-out and irony xD
I feel awful coz I'm scared my backstories got worse, but I really jus binge these days and I just saw Arielle taking a selfie and her following people back and what not was just me musing on marketing and all (by the way follow me on Instagram, I'm @noplasticdolltails).
I was literally writing this chapter like Bakery and then I thought that they would fuck in the Bakery, but I figured that the time wouldn't add up to lunch time so make Arielle drag Miles around for a bit and kind of chunking time got me back into that by reading Mishima (yes, I ordered a copy, time to finish off Forbidden Colours xD) so there was the sex scene.
The Stripey shirt is a homage to the lovely lovely video xD
Like I said the confession was because it just went through my head and as usual I'm terrified it's early but I justified it and I ended the chapter shorter because it was the right time and for once the ending isn't bittersweet but actually happy
I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so