Monday, 22 June 2015

What's Wrong? 5

And then I realize that people do end up meeting each other by someone approaching as first, so I do that. Because what’s easier than to forget a person you don’t know? And it’s as if fear is more real when you don’t know the person yet, like what is it that they like and how would they feel to see a doll collection, unlike me and Daniel who would point out which doll ended up falling or which dress was out of season or whatever other reason. Do we pay attention to others because we’ve lost the ones we’ve loved or are we too scared to be fully pinned down and beloved?

Neither will we even confess to those who won’t speak. Just like every great love story I didn’t know what to do and how to approach her at all, as she wore a flowery dress today with bare legs. Sometimes I wished there was a publicized female version of Grindr as she sat opposite me in the bus, keeping her gaze on me with a small smile, but before I could reply she hid her nose in a phone. I wonder what exes she had, surely better than my own since they considered her and not a wreck like I was. And I still hadn’t uttered a word, only when she dropped off a station earlier I said bye, nearly muttered and she looked back half way and waved, smiling a bit brighter. I wish I could be her daydream fantasy today. At least today. I dropped off at my usual before the store. 

And summer’s shades turned into shards in the night which wouldn’t sleep anymore with the pigeons and the light curtains dragging along the sky. It reminded me of my childhood as ironic as it was, waking up with all the sounds of pigeons and never knowing what would be missed and how easy death of loved ones would be even if one would die after another slowly, the steel taste hadn’t come yet until barely few were left to none. And I hated summer because it reminded me of the living.

But then summer was when Daniel would kick me out around 4 am to take photos of us in the daylight which no one else would see on the street and it was in a way rewarding to see those photos and have no one else see how far you stuck your tongue out or how close you were standing to each other, because you even hide from yourself. And you’ll never be yourself again and maybe that’s why just like I had ran back inside from the postman which delivered the post at that time with Daniel, I had found the guts to now start saying hi and the more I spoke to her the more quiet Daniel had gone

I would tease myself that he had been jealous but that clearly changed nothing because neither of us acknowledged that love was a chess game and we weren’t doing any moves. My ex had told that to my friend, that dear, it was hard because love was a chess game. But what if we had done the game more complex due to ourselves, for some couples it was surely twister, others monopoly so then was ours chess when we had both refused to move any of our figures?

And none of the exes had ever moved their fingers or figures either. That’s why we’ve all fallen apart so is it truly easier to lose than to love? Are we only truly happy in misery or is it sole despite of the self? Very often we don’t know we’ve made a move let alone done checkmate, because we will never tell we’re in love and that it never goes away.

And even with a hello I feel like I’ve managed to split a candy in two, the scariest is always to talk and somehow I feel lighter, as she walks away the next few mornings when we greet each other and say goodbye every time and by the end of the week we even synchronize the times we go home, as she waits for me on the bus stop, legs crossed. At least it’s mutual.


Originally I wanted more of Alexa in this chapter but I'm rather happy with the way it turned out and I'm sorry if this ends up short because I'm dying and I need sleep xD

I always get scared about new people thinking that they won't like my make up or my doll collection or any small thing which I can think of at the time.

I remember the love story line came to me as I was washing my face and I had to keep repeating it until I dried my hands xD

I literally have no idea how I pulled off their interactions ahahah xD I'd be sulking from afar

The summer paragraph is personal and I got irritated last night at the pigeons because they reminded me of my childhood. 

Me and Callie went outside at 3-4 am to take photos and the postman scared me xD

Another thing was recalling how my ex had told a mutual friend that he couldn't just reinitate contact because love was a chess game and it seemed highly fitting here to be very very honest so I had used that and I wanted to use the whole phrase he'd said to said friend, but I avoided using her name, so it's second best xD And I added more Alexa to the ending before writing the backstory

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you so much

Please tell me if you did, the ending isn't far off by the way



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