Wednesday, 10 June 2015

I Can't Wait10

You’ll only let go when you’ll be able to say I miss you without loving like fire. And I don’t know how many lives it even becomes allowed to even talk, making lessons no longer awkward with the silence and soon enough I wonder how long would it take me to no longer flinch at her current boyfriend enter on breaks and quickly ask her something. Maybe there had been something to him which I never had, and I wondered how much of everything I had lacked and days later after all the holidays I had barely managed to meet up with Alex properly, both of us heading to an arcade where I could barely get any tickets and he had seemed much more at ease. And as I had thrown a ball through a hoop I wondered, how come some people found comfort in waiting?

And was it my own comfort as well that one day I would simply forget her eventually and there would be no more pages to flip over, because all lessons would be over. I wondered if until the end of the year would be all I had and then we would truly depart ways and her name would be lost in the letter A of contacts and soon enough I would be treasuring nothing? How much weight does a dead memory even have then?

How many things are supposed not to happen? And when does sleep allow us to rest without nightmares? I end up agreeing on meeting Alex again, as he mentions he wanted to check out the new bookstore and it feels like the snow would melt soon enough, as he waits for me and I wonder if every friendship ends up being some sort of relationship which never happens. But then looking at him, I see too much hope and I wonder why don’t I mind it as he greets me with a smile.

It feels odd to hang out with a bloke all of a sudden being harshly aware that we nearly talk all the time and be friends to get laid and that kind of seems to null any thoughts as we just walk around, pacing through the same novels which frankly never change and each bookstore will have the same set only maybe one will get a bestseller before the other, wishing we were at the arcade again, seeing him fail to get any balls through the hoop like last time that I ended up giving him all my tickets just so that he could win some plastic whistle, which he hung around my neck, holding onto the string, eyes freezing my gaze and I knew that if we had been opposite gender we would’ve kissed, but we didn’t. And he just dropped the string and then with a moment of hesitation Alex took it from my neck and hung it back on his, thanking.

We still seemed struck and soon enough we decided to call it a day, giving a brief hug, probably already implying the connection. And it felt as if we had to rush, 

That night I think of what would it even be like to have sex with Alex and where would his confidence hide and how he would still look flushed and a mock confidence would be the token around his neck and lowering myself to kiss him as I would pin his wrists down gave me a pleasurable feeling that I just rolled onto the other side, digging further into the mattress, trying not to please myself tonight, allowing the devilish delight thought to trail longer like a cursed lullaby into sleep, wondering what would Alison say. 

It felt as if I had to rush until the end of the break, dreaming of Meg later and I wondered if I even wanted to involved with a teacher again and again

and again

I could see Alison stroking my hair, muttering how much she had preferred me that one time with curls where she could pull them as I would go down on her and somehow knowing that you’d never make love to someone you adore seemed to strike midnight on me, reminding me of who I was and that I had been in love with the fairy godmother which came and went like a dream. Alison had always been that.

And to her I jerked off instead, waking up and gasping, muffling my orgasm gasp which ended up in a sob, as I started crying, pulling the covers over me and not caring about the mess I’ve made. 

“You okay, mate?” He asks me and I didn’t even realize that I was just stuck reading the back of a Gore Vidal novel for a few minutes and I could never tell Alex that I couldn’t tell desperation from love anymore because nothing made sense all of a sudden and I just looked at how he reminded me of a small dog, doesn’t make sense but is a bit fearless but surely is scared of it’s own shadow when there is no one around and depressed once the family leaves. And I wondered how did his parents react that he was gay, as we barely would touch subjects, just end up talking about music briefly and Alex would tell me the rumors, slowly patching up that I had been shagging Alison for a good while before. And it’s surprising that after the joke he had never told anything and I wondered how would it be back in college and how much would everything change eventually and it was odd to even be a bit selfish to think how would it be now that I had a bloke holding my arm. 

And why was I even thinking of it and I ended up staring at his lips properly now, Alex noticing, as we both looked back up at each other and I wondered how much of a disaster would everything be and why had I wanted someone else to fix me and why had it had to be Alex now and not Meg? Why had I found the confidence now? 

They say you find a connection with someone right away. I turn around to put the book back and he just sighs, putting his hands in his coat and I don’t even touch him, not too eager for this second to use him to distract myself from anything which was pushing me backwards as I still clung onto Alison and the fact that I had touched myself to her last night was not helping and we just walked on more, going onto detective now to see a new Rebus book that I knew that I’d have to open up at least briefly about Alison even if the whole college knew, whispering one secret at a time until it becomes wind which everyone knows. 

If we can’t get someone we will make sure that someone else doesn’t, even if they want to get us. And maybe we will get destroyed by the love we never got in the end, because we were once told that they love us. And that’s why we’ll never talk again. Or let alone ask why. 

I don’t tell Alex anything as we head out and I feel horrid for still having Alison in my mind, so instead I check the time, counting how long would it be that I would be home alone and I invite him to mine’s which sprouts some hope in the bloke’s eyes, but I wave it off, realizing that perhaps holding the weight of someone else’s world when they’re dead now is useless, so might just throw at it him because you can break someone’s memory box if you don’t care. In this case, I wanted to sell the memories I had of Alison for fifteen pounds per year.

Buying alcohol is much more simple than people imagine it to be, it becomes a sole question of pretending you’re grown up because frankly everyone will know your underage and I ask Alex to stay outside since he looks much younger and then that’s all it’s left to as I head out, highfiving him and wondering how would it feel to finally sell her, walking.


*from the dead* I did it, actually on my last sitting I opened it and I went shit, I actually reached the limit and ended up writing a bit for what I thought would be for the next chapter but wasn't.

I thought I'd end up closing the Jack/Meg arc but nah, I'm a sadistic asshole, so there's more ahead of everything. Also I specifically decided to check on past love interests to feel angsty enough to write Jack's last musings on Alison in this chapter, I kind of ended up torturing myself for writing like even forcing myself to walk out or I'd end up using experiences like nearly getting stabbed to write them down and be like ah, yes, this is fab to write even if I'm bending in two from PTSD and I write it right away so that it's fresh and also so that I don't have to go back to it. 

I never dated anyone I was in the same educational place, so I can't speak from pure experience just fear that might be real xD

I do make Jack rather accepting but he feels like he'd have his own inner struggles so I kind of added that in because I don't think he'd be the one to jump in even if we openly talk about Gore Vidal in interviews these days xD

I had a break after the whistle scene and I was just walking around and it dawned on me how much I enjoy writing gay couples and kind of had some... gender euphoria if you must.

I was horny, I wanted them to fuck. But I still fucked them up and after fucking I didn't change my mind xD (I think it's obvious I have sex often, not hiding anything xD) 

I kind of set the story back when I lived in Edinburgh there so yeah, I had to have an Ian Rankin novel and I saw actually the latest I think, Rebus novel so I inserted that in. I think what pushes me off detective stories is bleak romance. I'm happy for queer suggestions :D

I was the one buying alcohol always, so behold my methods xD

I hope you enjoyed it and yeah, ship whoever you want to xD

Also what I love about this story is cocky young Alex which I've missed since Stale Smoke In A Running Circle

If you enjoyed it please tell me so :3

Thank you



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