They say it takes two to divorce but the more it trailed the more it felt as if it was always one who wanted to divorce and I wondered by the end of it why was I even doing it as he was wrapping up the papers and all had been done, walking out I had never felt so angry and empty at the same time, crying when I got back and wondering why had solitude seemed different from loneliness?
And why do we never feel fulfilled with a person, yet we want them so much by our side that we start hallucinating that they’re there stroking our hair? And I recall when I was growing up how Lana calmed me down and I had been crying after some test which seemed like the end of the world and I muttered that I wanted to shave all of my hair off next morning, just announcing it like a bewildered idea and in the morning, Lana shaved my hair off and then I did it even shorter, seeing myself entirely exposed I thought I would cry but in the end it was very heavily enlightening and I felt nude in a good way, as if I could run around everywhere and it didn’t take that long to grow out but during that period I thought that Lana had loved me and just like our childhood and teenage years were intertwined like a braid, we made love a few times and those nights ended up silently slipping in with her holding me to her chest-
Jamie shifts in his sleep and I close my eyes, recalling how I had started wondering who I had been and how come I never liked dresses but then I had grown my hair, still avoiding skirts like the plague and the word female was just clung onto me for having a vagina and I still didn’t understand how that had clung onto me.
He takes a discarded pillow from the floor, smiling at me sleepily, forgetting that we’ve been recently divorced and goes back to sleep.
I start breathing heavier and I have to head out onto the front porch, observing Jamie from the window, as if we were reckless again.
In the night you’ll be the most honest and when I head in, I pull the covers away from Jamie, which ends up with him instantly trying to grab them, sleeping in underwear which ends up being a knife, tearing my chest open as I see how his whole body is waxed as usual besides the hair above his underwear giving out far too much sexual hints and he sits up, hair messed up and rubbing his eyes.
“What the fuck is the matter-” He asks and I don’t even know why I stormed in and woke up my ex-husband. And I look at him. We were surely not straight, I never was and he’s had partners of all genders prior.
“Brian. You dated him back in College, how did he know he wasn’t male?” I state and he just looks at me confused and I recall the time I had pinned him down and took him, but I had told him to never speak of it again because I was female, it wouldn’t make sense that I was someone else.
Jamie looks at me bewildered and tries to get the covers from me and fails, pushing himself against the pillow behind him.
“I dunno... he just said that he didn’t felt a mix, but now he identifies as male-”
“But what about then-”
“He just felt like an androgynous mix. That’s what he identified as then, Alison, but I do-” And then he pauses, looking at me more confused before it dawns on him and then he just scratches his head, looking down, shivering from the cold so I throw the bedcovers back at him. “That’s what you wanted to talk about-”
“Yes.” My voice shakes. “You... You always told me how I contradict gender... Do you think that’s-”
“I meant what I said or what I thought... I always knew I wasn’t going for a woman if that’s what you’re asking.” He confesses and at the same time it feels soothing and odd that we’ve barely talked of it but looking back everyone would state how odd our household felt like and how I had never been too feminine and I think of Lana beneath me. Had she known? Had she known who she was going to bed with? But making one ex wake up was enough for one night. And he waits for any of my reactions. “I always told you that.”
His voice breaks anxiously, as he cross his legs, pulling the covers up to his neck, watching me and I just sit besides him. Usually Jamie would hug me, hold me dear but instead he doesn’t do anything and I’m not sure I even want him to and I flinch when he puts his hand on my arm, but he keeps it there before he starts stroking and I get excited from the sole touch, knowing what would’ve awaited me before and it’s a lie if you miss having sex with someone you’ve had it with and it’s odd to know that there had been a moment where you became strangers and you don’t know how was it even like before it did.
I excuse myself, brushing his hand off, knowing that I would never get him back anyway and my thoughts trail onto Lana as I recall how broken she had been once our parent’s divorced and for some reason that had trailed onto making her worse and worse and then it would be audible and it wasn’t just kissing because we had decided to try it. Just like with any person, if you feel tense, you’ll kiss them because you know that they will kiss you back. And it’s not just Lana, but it had also been with Jamie, when it’s closing in on at 5 am you know where everything stops and you’ll be able to admit to yourself in dialogue that you’re attractive and that someone else is attracted to you. I knew he still liked me, but we both had reasoning, knowing that we would never be together again.
And my mind drifted off to Lana as I locked my bedroom where we had made love. I’ve never fucked Lana here though. I ended up getting our parent’s room and turning the room where me and Lana slept into the small art studio. I pressed myself against the wall, my blonde hair like a halo and the brown roots would show where my end would be, in my head. We had kissed after we were talking how happy we were we had each other and we didn’t flinch, both curious in each other’s body and getting off on the drive that this had been more forbidden than anything, making it far too sexual which is something not everyone would admit, no one admits what they fantasize about in the bedroom, what they get off on. And then we started kissing each other good night for a good while, when you’re kids kissing already feels like having sex.
So pushing the limits was usually a bit taboo, but we would do it in the middle of the night, exploring each other’s bodies and Lana would giggle that she felt like Lolita in a way and we had both read it and I wondered why did people blame Humbert when Lolita would try to get into his pants as well. I never understood why people twist their arm to blame someone when both were fucking just as equally. And it had been us like that as well.
My mind trailed off as I got turned on, feeling myself all wet recalling Lana’s mouth and how she had felt underneath me, as I pulled the hem of my shirt, eager to masturbate, but I held myself again. Wondering how she would taste now on my tongue.
Jamie kept knocking on my door.
I literally opened it just now thinking that I had more to write but the ending is ideal and I wrote this entire chapter in the span of today and even while watching a football game of Sweden vs Montenegro xD (go Zlatan though xD) and yeah.
I really wanted to go on and slowly start making Alison discuss her gender identity and I thought quite a lot and pestered Callie a lot because it's her representation so of course I'd ask her and everything.
I was thinking and my parents divorced but I can't say other than politeness and bitterness anything else influenced, but of course if you have someone around who's divorced you'll write it more accurately and whatnot:)
My parent's divorce wasn't messy paper-wise so I kind of kept that here. And in general post-divorce is a weird period so I kind of wanted to describe that as well. So I guess by the end it is influenced.
The hallucination comes from I think Alison's BBC Radio comments really which I found was interesting. I dream rather than hallucinate.
I shaved my hair once, actually before everything collapsed in the UK and I felt very free and content with myself, it's a really liberating thing to do but I like my coloured hair and fringe games so yeah XD
I think I'm rather clear and maybe a bit cliche because I use the skirt/dress trope when it comes to Alison and talking at night. Sorry, guilty xD
The conversation between Jamie and Alison is a bit like the one I had with Callie because she always knew I was male and I came out to her like 3 times before coming out fully and properly now:)
I really love that I explore everything I didn't have space for in Poison the Rose, it's a bit of an alternate universe Poison the Rose to be very very honest:) and I love having to explore their past relationship under a much more complex light since now they both knew Alison's gender which grabs onto the fact that Lana never knew or never suspected like in Poison the Rose. I hope it's okay that I talk so much about the other stories xD
I guess I wanted to shed a bit of light because in the bedroom you do role plays which are odd and I think it's weird that people deny what they do or at least keep silent, but I do hate the whole movement that anything sexual is bad again. And the whole older man is the culprit when a Lolita is frankly dying to get fucked. If it's consensual it should never be judged regardless of circumstances and in this case fantasies or situations like here.
I actually don't like Alison's hair but I make it work in my stories, oh well xD
I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so