To Miles 29

Anxiety dwells within me as the days seem to slowly come in and for once Miles actually sits besides me and I watch him for a bit, as he still avoids my eye and actually talks to Julian and Carlos and I just smile briefly before I look across the room to see Hince sit with Brian who seems to be talking of something and I recall how Jamie had muttered sleepily that he had a sweetheart back on shore and I had started feeling some odd guilt that I hadn’t sent off too many men and I could barely recall their names or their lips on my own as I would just try to get it over with and Jamie would just nod and they would get sent off. He would give a brief speech and it was odd how much I could now see through him, how I would quickly catch his eye but he would shift and I would smirk. 

Jamie still remained grumpy from while to while, forcing all of us to mop the deck as he would walk around and always when there was a check, I could see how he’d try to not keep his glance on me far too long and whenever we’d glance at each other too much I could see Miles who would start moping the same place and sometimes I wondered if it would get out of hand, when we were once on shore and they were taking photos of everyone and one of Hince and I had just stood there waiting for him as we would go onshore. He was told to make a serious face and I just stood there pressing my tongue against the cheek in a suggestive manner which made me hope that Jamie’s fuck off face would be printed later on, which I’d replace the photo of Jack with and that thought just registered in my head because I hadn’t replaced that photo with anyone and no one really seemed to be taking its place and I looked at Hince as the photographer would go away and Jamie smirked, punching me playfully and I had grabbed him, taking him by surprise and kissing him.

My head seemed to be spinning as I had made sure the door was locked, getting my hands under his shirt, running my hands down his back as he would rub his tongue against my own, both of grinding against each other. Jamie kept pulling me closer, lifting my shirt up as he started biting my neck as I would start taking off his jacket. 

We don’t stop kissing, knowing every fucking inch of each other’s uniform, where the buttons are, where to tug, where to just yank off and everything is done far too fast with grinding, both of us barely breaking the kiss, pulling each other closer until we stumble onto the bed, legs intertwined, hair tussled. 

Jamie pushes me down to go on top of me, breaking the kiss for a while to catch my eye as he slides a hand between us and starts stroking both of our cocks, Jamie biting his lip to hold a moan as I close my eyes and don’t hold tracing my hand down his back, pulling him closer back into the kiss. 

My other hand rubbing the back of his neck, tracing his shoulders, as our bodies keep rubbing and we both moan, as the strokes increase and I open my eyes, to feel both of us flushed, some odd deja vu as we keep kissing, biting, pulling, tugging, stroking, loving

and Jamie pulls my bottom lip a bit too harshly as we both shake and come, unravel, gasp, collapse on top of each other. Jamie kissing my neck softly, pulling me closer. I wrap my arms around my lover. 

“I love you.” Is pretty much the only thing I can say to see him give a tired, grateful smile, pressing his head against my shoulder, pressing a kiss before replying as he goes on top of me again. I see him trying to collect some words.

“I love you too.” He says after a brief laugh failing to find a better fitting answer and we both laugh at our lack of creativity.  

Miles was like the ghost I had started seeing and which had stopped haunting Jamie. Miles was like the bruise which we both had cut open, a piece of flesh torn out and the desire seems to shift between both me and Jamie, some dumb irony uniting all three of us, as the time would go on, shifting us, bringing us closer to Christmas, Matt’s letters coming now sooner, maybe some small treat from the mail before booze would hit us all. I sometimes would get paralyzed when I’d see him getting food in the canteen, not yet seated, just about to walk to the gunner’s usual table, when you’re in a state of mid air, the false assumptions come with hope and leave, mercilessly. 

We forgive our enemies too easily, letting them away and when it comes to the people we love we cling onto the light cut they gave us, while if enemies tear our hand off, we struggle and actually want to friend them with this odd desire of befriending everyone unless they angered us enough to be repressed with the years to come. 

I had asked Jamie and he had told me that by seeing him every day, the blade would null itself out, but sometimes he would linger in his mind and it seemed odd with snow nowhere on the land and Matt actually back at his parents’ and I wasn’t, that the port chosen was rather random, yet Jamie was excited saying that the cabaret was the best and that he had wanted to introduce me to an old friend of his, but Miles seemed to be triggering my thoughts as he had even started a conversation, he had seemed to always sneak into my thoughts and the kiss seemed to be a more venomous regret now.

I wondered if both me and Jamie were Miles’ two-sided blade. I wondered what would cross his mind and had I been filled with disastrous false hope. 

I had woken up earlier to leave earlier and to pester Jamie so I had headed to shave and shower, just to catch Jamie also up who had been shaving, who actually had far more facial hair than I would. Used to barely touching in public, Jamie smiled and quickly washed off the soap as I approached him and kissed the back of his neck. As if still asleep we briefly kissed before I had taken his soap and started applying it to my face, as Jamie just watched me before a sailor walked in, saluting Hince and he just nodded, quickly giving me a wink and heading off. 

Miles started coming in my dreams, his hands stroking my cheek and I would wake up with him nowhere near me, just the darkness reminding me of the illusion of time when you’re on a ship unless you get woken up or Jamie makes some announcement. I get anxious knowing that we’re about to hit shore and the fact that Jamie insisted on dragging me to a cabaret seems nerving for some reason as I’ve pretty much been sticking to gay bars, chewing on straws and wondering why hadn’t I chosen a different cocktail. Last time I’ve been to a cabaret had been with Paul who had wanted to see the dresses and had talked to the drag queen asking her how she had done her dress and we both sat, looking how the stitches went and how the sequins were done. 

It was odd to feel the ghost of a long lost lover and I just recall how I had felt when I had heard of them together, because I had always lived under the illusion that some men had never indeed touched each other, just like me and Matt and in the end it ended up that even me and Matt have touched each other and my cheeks flush as I finish cleaning myself and I just splash the water on my face one last time, anxious about my date onshore even if it was with someone I had managed to share love with. The anxiety seemed to follow me like a trail as I’d watch all of us dress for shore and I wondered what had been crossing through Miles’ mind and how we were all intertwined, how he started to become an irony of all us, a man who had held us all and let go, to let us shatter, only somehow some shards glued themselves together, maybe due to the fire nearby or their own. 

He’d ask me to come back.

He’d ask me to stop.

He’d get furious and come in my dreams, sometimes it would just be his words whispered in my ear which would drag me onto the mornings until Jamie would let me in and before even kissing I’d tell him of the dreams and he’d sit quietly, lighting a cigarette until he had stood up and opened his drawer, yanking out letters which he’d written to Miles, my eyes teary of fear of my own sanity, over the years which Miles had returned with his poetry filled with longing and drowning.

I just sat there, staring at the pile, all letters dated from more than ten years, all read many times, the envelopes old and hurt as Jamie’s eyes and I didn’t dare to ask him just like he didn’t ask about my own dreams. 

We were surrounded by the same man, losing a battle with more man power against someone who had

left us

blank.

desperate

screaming

and forcing to move on, because otherwise we’d be the ones on his side, rolling his dice and watching his jawline tense. 

Anxiety circles me and binds me as Jamie opens a letter, sending me back to the dream as I feel Miles’ hands around my neck, his desire to get rid of a former lover. He tightens his grip as Jamie reads the letter. 

Matt crosses my mind and my desire to talk of Matt brushes my cheek, from misery to worse. Anxiety is the leash they both pull and Jamie is the scissors against the ceiling until he reaches my neck and cuts the leather open and my neck. 

-

The story in general has a strong context of dreams and surreal visions and thoughts and I apologize for the short chapter but I really wanted to end and emphasize on the image of Jamie cutting the leashes around Alex's neck as it seemed very powerful and significant to the story and it is I think quite crucial further on as well. 

I actually realized that they have a mutual open relationship or polyamourous which wasn't even discussed which is interesting as I just had the thought now, but that's because they both started with partners or knowing that the other would sleep around (Alex). 

There's this specific photo of Hince in a jacket and he has this lightly irritated face and me and Callie kept discussing how Alex would be taking the piss as he'd wait to get his photo taken in the story. 

My dreams are odd as I feel to fortune tell or seem to sometimes dream of people of what their thoughts are and I actually had an odd moment with one of my exes as I had dreamt of their personal diary entry and I had asked them about it to puzzle them as they had such an entry, maybe I'll take that line to stick it in who knows xD I've been having a string of dreams about one of my exes and it's odd as there is no pattern just random things which are getting asked like to come back and etc, which is frankly uncomfortable, so I've decided to give Alex a bit of my dream fortune telling or rather ability to see what the fuck is going in the exes mind. 

And it's interesting how the title of the novel finally shows up in the oddest of ways, as Jamie's letters to Miles which he had returned, all and every single one of them. And it's interesting how the title has an ironic meaning, nostalgia, deja vu and parallel feelings being a massive background in the story, To Miles becoming an ironic title as he is both Alex's and Jamie's nearly former lover. 

I've spoken of the leash in the beginning, a fatal love is like drowning, lack of oxygen and when you're out, you get yanked out or a beloved just rips it open. 

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did as I'm quite anxious as usual xD I'm already writing the next chapter :D 

Thank you!

<3

Jamie

To Miles 30

Bar Eyes 4

I see him carrying boxes around, he doesn’t really ask anyone to unload them ever. I’m guessing lack of eternal sleep gives him enough energy and boredom to do so. 

I get my breath ready and I show up with my own backpack stuffed with my clothes and I’ve got two sweaters in hand as well. 

So I stop and I watch how he starts noticing me, box in hand and eventually he grins fully, teeth exposed and he’s in a gray shirt, not feeling cold and in a plain gray shirt. He drops the box and he walks up to me, taking off my hat which didn’t fit in my bag, ruffling my hair slightly as his fingers get tangled in it and he kisses my forehead and I feel myself melting not because I’m warmly dressed.

I grab him and I start kissing him, I feel Alex try to pull back from the lack of touch, but instead he leans in, pushing my backpack off so that he can hold me.

In the end I still watch him unload the boxes and get them inside. 

He tells me to follow him and we’re upstairs in his apartment. He has a double bed though which still has some clothes lying around and Alex just shoves the clothes away, blushing lightly most likely he ended watching some old football matches all night and he pushes me on the bed.

I feel his whole weight on me and fuck, I close my eyes and he kisses me. 

He starts frenching me as I open my eyes and I see his hands trembling. Sex between us feels like a conversation, it’s the closure I get from him, as one shocking thing at a time and I feel strongly attached, when I was leaving I dreamt of him.

He had a bloody bat though and he asked my age.

I replied and he just kissed my forehead. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” He says, pulling me up and sighing into my shoulder, his hair tickling my neck. “I haven’t had sex well... since ever, really. And-”

Alex stops.

“I keep having bizarre dreams. I don’t sleep, but like they come... I mean, it’s hard to explain. But there’s this guy and he keeps telling me to stop hitting him. And there’s you and you’re... making out with him and obviously I’m jealous. Do you know a Jamie by any chance? Or James, something like that.” He swallows and looks at me.

I just shake my head.

“You had a bloody bat, that’s about it, you were holding it and you asked my age.” I tell him.

Alex sits up and leans against the window. I wonder how does it feel to sleep or rather lay to see whatever you can see from that window. He doesn’t even have curtains. I’m sure he just pins a hoodie with bluetack or something if he gets too bored, he seems to have a lot of clothes, but when you look at it, he doesn’t seem to have a big wardrobe either. 

He should sweat right?

And I’m sure he makes himself some drinks in the bathtub.

“So... no Jamie? Ex-boyfriend? Crush? Anything?” Alex asks me still concerned, jealousy already stapled to his face. I just keep shaking my head at every question which is aimed at me. I really don’t know any Jamies. I knew a girl called Jamie in kindergarden but she stole my sweets, so I didn’t like her and I can’t even recall her face, frankly.

“No, no Jamies.” I smirk and peck him on the lips. That wakes both of us up from the dreams and we forget about them for a while and start making out. 

As he starts biting my neck it dawns me that I’m still with my shirt on and he’s shirtless. I have a thought nagging at the back of my head as I start having visions of this said Jamie and I can see him smoking a cigarette and carrying the bloody bat. 

I wonder who the fuck he is, that we both think of him and I wonder what would the relation be-

Alex is pinning me down and I feel bad that my thoughts are wondering off, I move my head a bit slightly and it takes him a while to stop and he pulls me up. Alex bends down and sticks his hand under the bed and takes a new box of cigarettes and I check to see no fire detectors and that makes me wonder actually, how he got away, but most likely he bit all of them away. 

“Just a second.” He strokes my head, pulling my hair between his fingers until it slips away as he leaves downstairs, most likely for the lost lighter. 

I sit waiting.

Would this be my newly found home?

The year started and I go no acceptances and I couldn’t have the guts to go to the job centre and maybe I should stop for a second, I just dissapeared from my friend’s couch and I didn’t even get a call, asking where the fuck I was. I think if I ever were on a couch to be asked why don’t I have the support from my friends, I would ask what friends?

I don’t think I’ve ever managed to choose the right ones, which would listen. 

Maybe I just don’t know anything, my stories have always been being intertwined with someone until they wouldn’t call back, just that lovers lasted longer than friends for some reason.

He comes back with a small black lighter, closing the door and lighting the cigarette. Alex tilts his head, because I managed to sit upside down, my legs against the wall and I have a black halo around my face, bringing out all the dark in me and he just looks at me for a long while, not even inhaling the cigarette as the smoke dully fills in our room.

“I don’t think Glasgow is my home anymore. I mean, no one accepted me, y’know. It felt bizarre, losing what you thought was home, the seagulls which would try to steal your chips, all of it...” I make a poof hand motion. “I have no home anymore. I can’t even force myself to find a job. Will I even find a job?”

I don’t know if I’m asking him more than myself. 

Instead he gives me his half smoked cigarette, holding a laughter and lighting himself another one.

“You just couldn’t give me a new one, could you?” I smirk and he starts laughing before he trades the cigarettes and he traces my cheek with his finger.

“I can only offer what I’ve got, you’re the one who decides if it’s home enough.” Alex says and lies besides me, putting his feet up as well, smirking. I keep looking at him, chewing on the lit cigarette, inhaling and exhaling.

I keep wondering.

What do I need for a home?

Would it just be Alex or the fact of walls and everything.

“All I can give is my love.” And he bursts out laughing, realizing how horrid and tacky that sounded, kicking the window open and he sits up to lean out of the window. We watch a few busses pass in a row, including a one floored 34, which is bizarre, for those who wouldn’t know a 34 is always a double decker since it comes from one end of the city A to another end of the city B. So Alex tries to aim his cigarette to reach the rooftop and fails.

“Fuck.” Is all he says and takes out another cigarette to smoke it.

He tries to avoid me and I lean back, I watch the room in it’s silence and then look at him, leaning out of the window, smoke disappearing and wind ruffling his hair lightly. It’s bizarre now watching him without me and I wonder

too many things and I hug him from behind. And I hear all the busses wander off from leaning against his back, tracing my fingers on his back.

“Maybe there’s no need to mourn a lack of home, you’re right.” I add to the air, for it to drench the walls and I know where I live now, as he turns around, removing the cigarette from his mouth and pulling me on his lap and kissing me. 

“Hey, how do you look like with shorter hair, just out of curiosity?” I ask wondering whose hair is even longer, his hair curls a bit, while mine is just well, there.

“Not too good.” He stops. “Why?”

“Dunno, just tried to picture you with facial hair and decided that a smarter question would be about the hair length, since that seems to grow.”

-

I've decided to post it, yay :D

And dun dun dun, Jamie is slowly back in the game and it's interesting to have dream Alex back with his infamous bloody bat and yeah, I guess slowly this story is starting to build up it's course and back to the tension which holds and the whole plot with the dreams xD 

This was written pretty much when all had happened and I had no idea what was going to happen and frankly you don't get a lot of characters who happen not to get into uni for one reason or another so I kind of ended up on this spree of giving the same outcome to a few characters and Alison happens to be one of them and she holds the fear of, will I still get in, can I get a job back when I didn't have a job and I was still strongly fighting. It was an odd time and writing Bar Eyes really helped me and I just love Alex and Alison in the story, so yeah. 

Choosing Glasgow was quite symbolic as my offers were in Glasgow unis, so yeah, making Alison from Glasgow moving to Edinburgh was… interesting because I had to do the opposite moving, but yeah, we all know how xenophobic everything ended up and frankly I am happy that I'm out all I want is justice now really xD 

The one floored 34 is something I had oddly found funny when it's a bus with a gigantic route and it's always two floored yet sometimes in the mornings you'd see a one floored one and I always figured that someone hadn't given the two floored so the driver had to deal with what it would get xD

And it was just when me and Callie started living together so there's the whole feeling of just moving in as well which the story is dipped in :) 

I guess I love Used Lighter but I love the comic moments between Alison and Alex here xD ah, Jamie is gonna be Jamie xD so I'll keep silent and please feel free to request the next chapter which is almost written :D last pun left to do haha xD 

Please tell me if you enjoyed it as it always means a lot to me and thank you so much for loving both Used Lighter and Bar Eyes :D

<3

Jamie

PDD or Hypoxyphilia

Sometimes love submerges you, immerses you fully underwater, giving a sense of no gravity, just floating, your entire body numb and pulsing because you’re drowning and only when you get yanked out, you realize with the beloved by your side

that there is a reason you need oxygen, the lungs desperately praying for air, coughing loudly, the whole body burnt and all which is needed is soothing.

I burst out laughing on the floor, cigarette in my head, alcohol not yet clung to me enough to be drunk yet I pretend to be, not enough booze until someone new comes in with a bottle because all else was drained. 

Would that make me a child of the world? That sometimes I care and sometimes I don’t immersed too deep within me not to care about politics, eyes desperately shut as someone comes in and I hear the heels click besides me and even give me a small shove. I don’t open my eyes. All I do is breathe out smoke. 

The problem about heartbreak is that you have to move on, otherwise you’ll end up milking yourself away when there’s nothing left inside you, so the action of moving on is simply to forget an asshole who has hurt you for your own benefit, it’s not even that you wanted to move on, it’s that decision done in split of a second, otherwise you’ll be one with vomit in mouth and the ex’s fingers still threading your hair or maybe not, since they weren’t there in the first place. That’s the problem, you yourself know what would happen.

Nothing. 

So if I were to relive my entire life, would I regret it? No, I’d just be meaner. 

I feel the heels go next to me and my eyes are closed until the heels are pressed against my cheek and I guess that I just happen to give someone interest. 

Falling in love is when you fall and someone catches you.

A doomed relationship is when they don’t catch you and you just sit up, realizing you were never falling, at most water was dunked above you to give you an illusion if drowning and embarrassment of your own blind choice of spin the bottle. 

I look at him, at how he drags the cigarette and I see the platforms, and I just look up, my cigarette still dragging in my mouth as I see a bloke younger than me, paler and his eyeliner much thinner than my own. I get surprised at how lost he looks, his home hair dye which isn’t better from mine but I’ve learned to do it or pester someone else while getting bored of getting the dye scrubbed in my hair. I get my eyes to look at something else and he nudges me with his boot again. I moan, sitting up, a bit wonky and I just stretch him my cigarette before heading off to the bathroom.

When you see a person for the first time during that split second, the doubt will rise before there will be so much love for you to not be able to dust it off, to see the dirt beneath the love powder. Because when you fall in love, you believe that the split second was the lie, not the love you feel. 

The younger man is outside when I head out, holding as hard as I can on the door handle, a new cigarette lit back in the bathroom and I stretch my hand out, it’s odd to see still sober people and I wonder why hasn’t he been given alcohol and it’s none of my business and as I try to push him away, wondering if I should just head off to sleep in the kitchen since everyone seemed to gather in the living room where I’d sleep, I try to make a turn.

“I like your eyeliner.” He holds a pause and I notice his accent, how high his voice still is and a tremble in his voice, yet a fake smirk to add confidence, a whole bouquet of fear and plunging and I just blink. “How do you do it?”

The question seems odd and off and I just lean against the wall, wanting to rub my eye, but I hold, now of all moments I need to hold the eyeliner intact. I just shrug and I push the door back to the bathroom, my head spinning as I lock the door and he just keeps watching me and I don’t know why I amuse him as I see his shoes, everything far too blurry, so I pull the drawer under the sink out and I grab the first kohl pencil and I motion him to sit on the edge of the bathtub. He does, pushing his hair back and he closes his eyes.

I look at his chapped lips. 

My hands shake as I pull the lid off with my teeth and I trace a thicker line on top of his eyelid, I keep tracing, pulling the skin near his eye,my knees trembling from the booze, but my lines are nearly perfect, I’ve done this too many times and on heavier drugs and alcohol. I tilt his face up and his eyes spring open, observing me.

I just close my own, hinting that he should close his, he bites his lips and closes his eyes again as I trace the other eye. When I’m done, I press myself against the wall, opening the drawer to throw the collective kohl inside from whoever had either scrapped off money or stolen it off someone. The younger man stands up and looks at the mirror. 

“Do you think your life is a circus or a theatre?” He asks me and I just take it as some insight which happened to hit the younger man in the head, a thought which lingered too much and he opens the drawer and I see his bitten nails. I keep my silence and he just smiles weakly, to grab a red lipstick and try to apply it on himself as my knees seem to keep rocking me back and forth. “Do you think your life has an audience, which you seek to entertain with you deviance or your intelligence?”

He asks proud of that question and turns around and I see that his lipstick seems to be neatly applied but off and I have this sudden urge as he approaches me, smirking, the bathroom tiny and too many thoughts in my head. 

I’m surprised he didn’t say queerness. 

I’m just drunk. And I actually say that before he presses himself against me and it’s odd to have someone significantly shorter than me. My whole body shivers before it’s burnt against the touch of his and he yanks me by the hair down and he stares at me. I just blink a few times, before he smirks and heads to unlock the door, platforms clicking leaving me to wonder if the air he breathed against me was a interlocked kiss of some genuine fake passion. 

-

I had a terrible struggle with the title just now, so I'll start with that. I've been really struggling and the fact that I muse in general a lot about people's personal lives maybe even more than I should, I've been discussing how both Alison and Jamie seem to be interested in breath play with all the photo shoots and etc. And while digging out more and more on Brian and Jamie and actually finding the songs written by Brian about Jamie, breath play is also mentioned so I had struggled with how to add that in the title and usually I get a few words and google similar meanings. I was fiddling with oxygen play and breath play, which are the obvious. I ended up on a few and I still couldn't choose a title. 

PDD is I guess, it would be odd because my stories are in general quite personal and well during one of the break ups I was terribly depressed and I wrote a series of poems called PDD which I wonder if I should publish but they are very 'in your face' personal, but it was back when I was blind or rather not knowing who the person really was, so I had hope and I dunno, I'm quite straight forward I guess and frankly I'm very open when it comes to writing, so yeah. So of course I've sulked and I've never really felt the need to break up as I'd always cling to the last, so this was a first and frankly seeing people sulk about people leaving them and being on the other side for once, I actually realize that frankly you're not the asshole if you had to leave. It's odd, because you don't want the person, but you've still got the void, you know? So that's… odd. 

And I kept musing on what to do with those poems and I think I'll just shove them in here somehow eventually, which is a spoiler, but there're quite toned down I believe. And those who know, know and I frankly was out, so yeah. 

Now, what is PDD? It's a cycle which was observed by Bowlby and Robertson as they watched children who were taken away from their primary caregivers. What happens when a child gets taken away is pretty much three stages, called Protest, Despair and Detachment which pretty much match what they are. And I had written three poems to match all those feelings I had been feeling which are in deep contrast to the void I had felt and desire to just forget everything, because I frankly don't understand how sometimes you can't see a bigot through. 

And this piece is pretty much dragged on because I kept having thoughts as I'd see Alexa Chung mourning her relationship with Alex Turner, how he had to move on, thing is you have to, you have to step on your fucking throat, because you don't miss the other person, you just feel this lonely feeling because there's no one to feel that void which had once been filled and the person who was there is not even worth mentioning as harsh as it is. So when I look at Alex, I'm like Jesus, what the fuck did Alexa do, man? 

And I don't really have stories with doomed relationships from the start and I love both Molko and Hince with all my heart and I wanted to write about them in Goldsmiths and the more I kept digging the more pretty much dirt surfaced and interesting facts, like the fact that they actually did date, which is pretty much very well tucked in and hidden. As a former Placebo addict I had no idea and this is literally because I decided to check on both, how did their names intertwine. 

Also I was thinking of calling it Special Needs, which is frankly written about Hince. I'm too tired to throw all the evidence I've found over the past few weeks, but I'm happy if anyone is interested XD but it's fascinating and when you google about Brian you always see that he pretty much sprouted from Scarfo and how he seemed to be a successful copy of Jamie when he was in Scarfo. So I guess the whole idea behind the story is, the italics are Jamie looking back, on a diary and adding personal thoughts through out looking back, when the relationship is long over and you look back at your fond memories and frankly you want to chuck them out, because the person you loved doesn't even exist. 

I think the story speaks for itself a lot, so I guess it's quite personal because usually I hide behind some characters while here I frankly am the grumpy Hince with the bitter memories, so it's interesting to write something raw and personal yet still hold a story and frankly I've never written like fully intending doomed love from the beginning, so this is interesting for sure as I pretty much make sure that my characters usually end up together or I try my best and usually they do, while here, well, everyone knows what happens. 

I hope you really enjoyed this story and I enjoy the format as well and frankly I'm proud of it and please tell me if you enjoyed it and feel free to request the next chapter

also throw me anything you know about Hince and Molko, which I might've missed

Please tell me if you enjoyed it :D

<3

Bar Eyes 3

I come back, my own keys and I see that I’m alone for the time being, maybe my friend went to sleepover so I just make the couch again and I close my eyes and I see him on top of me, his arms stretched on both sides of my head.

I bite my lip as I see him pull my chin up and plant a kiss upon me.

I feel too turned on and I’m softly cupping my breasts, I don’t know why he’s driving me, but it’s happening or maybe I haven’t touched myself since I got here, those bizarre dares when you think that masturbation is wrong. 

I see him take off his shirt, his long hair becoming messy and he undoes my jeans. 

Alex licks my neck as his hand slides into my underwear and he feels me drenched, as I do, as I start rubbing my clit.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, I want him. I bite my hand, as I keep rubbing my clit faster and I can see him doing it with a grin, myself gasping and when I start coming he starts fingering me softly and it’s so good, that my whole body aches for his touch. 

I see him doing it and I can’t hold, I keep moaning and it’s bizarre to want someone else this much, that I come, thrusting up, my finger fully inside me and I gasp, falling back onto the couch, wanting him.

Eventually I stand up and I wash my hands, leaving myself in a plain t-shirt and I go to bed to count the seconds until it becomes light again. 

I know that I can’t go back or can I?

Eventually I count the remaining hours, I daze off but I leave early enough.

He should be living upstairs or something? It’s around nine a.m., but I don’t think I care, everyone is too drunk or there are people on busses with the bus drivers. I start pounding on the door heavily, eventually I even kick the door. 

Eventually a window opens above the bar.

Alex stops before he can say anything, his mouth open, but he sighs and soon enough he opens the pub door. He doesn’t let me inside his apartment, but he’s still here. 

I feel like making out with him just now, feeling his hair with my hands, feeling him get excited and I want to taste him, his cock, his mouth, his neck, but instead he just stands there with a flushed yet slightly blank expression.

“Aye?” He asks and I just stand there. 

I don’t know what to say and neither does he, but eventually he nods for me to go in. I can see Alex shaking slightly, as he closes the door and I sit down. I can’t stop fidgeting and it feels like I just came for sex and maybe the shirt with the low cut wasn’t such a good idea after all. 

Alex approaches me, both hands holding on the armrests of the stool and his hair falls on his eyes. I feel trapped, but it’s not claustrophobic and he leans towards me, but soon enough he pulls back and goes back into the storage room.

My heart is pounding as I could still see his lips and my body is pumped with excitement as I can’t sit properly, my leg shaking madly, my fingers in my mouth being chewed and I know I look idiotic and I do hope that once I grow out of being a teenager sex won’t be as required and I won’t go around wanking to different men or women, which I’ve just met. 

I hear a loud thud against some wall and I hear a bizarre noise, like a very loud sight and I stand up. 

I do hope he’s ok and I don’t hold myself and I push the door open to the storage.

I see Alex with his eyes closed, holding some passed out drunk man, his mouth on his neck and for a second I don’t understand what is going on and when I do, I start screaming as Alex pulls from his neck, a blood trail on his chin.

“Fuck!” He says. “What the fuck are you doing here? Fuck!”

And he grabs me with my one arm and I can’t move and I don’t think I can anyway. I start crying and he rubs off the blood from his mouth.

I keep screaming and I want to hit him, but he grabs my other arm, pinning them above my head and my heart starts pounding again. 

Alex starts looking at me and I start breathing very heavily until I start shaking, not realizing I’m still crying, I feel like I’m pretending I’m dead for the bear to go away. 

I look at his mouth, he is saying something, but I’m underwater and I don’t hear anything, the only thing I hear is when he gets nearer and my teeth are chattering. 

Everything looks in clouds, as I keep crying and he kisses me.

My hands fall to my sides as he pulls me closer, pushing my hair back, I still feel the faint taste of blood in his mouth, as his tongue touches mine and I still have my eyes open, but I feel more shocked now, as he is pulling me closer, making out with me and he feels taller, warm as I dare and actually pull him closer myself. 

I still feel scared and he wraps me around tighter. 

My mind is fighting, I feel at ease, yet I’m scared, 

He pulls away, looking down, playing with a strand of my hair and then he grabs me by the cheeks again and kisses me harder, pinning me against the wall and let my hands go under his shirt, causing him to moan lightly as I pull him closer.

I feel more desperation in this kiss, as he strokes my neck with his fingers, holds me tighter, I feel his erection pressed against me and that just turns me on more. I feel bizarre, but he’s not doing

anything to me, besides making out.

Eventually he pulls back again and he is breathless himself, Alex gives himself a moment.

“I just... needed blood before I... kissed you.” He said, his eyes closed. Alex feels at ease, while I’m back to being stabbed by needles.

“Yeah, why did y-you need blood?” I ask and then Alex blinks.

“Oh.”

Pause.

“That.” 

“Fuck.” Now he does all the talking and he covers his eyes with his hands and rubs them, exposing his teeth. “Ees.” 

I sure do get a good look at his teeth, so he closes his mouth.

“Yeah, that. You can’t really pronounce this with an open mouth.” He chuckles and I’m amazed how weight seems to have lifted off his shoulders, yet ended up on mine. 

“Can you?” I make a hand motion of opening the palm and he opens his teeth again and I see them again, less bloody but still sharp. He keeps blinking and watching me, as I try to touch them with my finger.

“Oi, I’m not biting you for Christ’s sake!” And he holds my arm. 

“I... I always thought y’know, if they existed, I mean, they do, that they would be... y’know more noticeable?” I lower my voice, feeling stupid. Shaking my hand off. Alex just shrugs. 

“Then everyone would know who sucks blood, I’m guessing its survival.” He says and sits down on the floor, next to the dead drunk, well, I’m guessing dead, he doesn’t look to be alive any longer than after we made out. 

“Can you even give oral with those damn teeth anyway?”

“Why the fuck wouldn’t I? I’m not fucking biting someone’s genitals, am I?”

-

I guess the fact that Used Lighter is finished and I can shamelessly continue my obsession with the plot and the characters in Bar Eyes is pretty much a gift to me. I end up shipping Alison/Alex more than Alison/Jamie in the Used Lighter Universe but I'll see how it's going to go because it's pretty much an odd triangle. 

It's odd that now all the locations which I'd see daily are now just in my head including that bar which Alex owns, the funny thing I wanted to get a nicer one and I didn't and I just left that one in my mind and I've never really been inside it, I've just seen it outside the bus. 

Around August I went on this binge, when I just got into Arctic Monkeys, and I started writing Bar Eyes frantically and I've got quite a few chapters written and yeah, I'm looking back and I'm like shit, my writing style changed a bit, but I pretty much stick to the spontaneous prose, so I left it they way it is. 

I guess I like how light it is compared to Used Lighter but it won't last long as we all know from UL that he disappears and yeah, guess who should appear soon, dun dun xD I dunno, I just love how light and innocent it is and yeah, Humbug Alex haha xD I still think I'll strictly see Humbug Alex as Used Lighter/Bar Eyes Alex xD

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request as the next chapters are written :D

<3

Jamie

The Blunderbuss Angel Said The Union Is Forever 6

The pills had started working then in high school and I noticed men around me, as if all the women faded out. 

Just like it were now, even if I get married and there are petals thrown at us and everything changes with drugs, I don’t get dreams of people dying and I wake up feeling in bliss until I recall that I am with a woman when I want a man to lay by my side. So I stand up and I smoke outside, in my boxers, sun already grazing the streets and I keep smoking in my briefs, knowing how lazy the neighborhood is, even up to the point that I could take out my cock and wank, nothing would happen. 

Then I see a girl in a window and I make my way in, not interested in women, yet Kate feels like a cover. There is nothing wrong with her or the sex, it’s more fluid, it just happens with images of Jack starting to fill my mind. 

I couldn’t talk to him and neither could he. I can see him as he walked through the airport, but I don’t see his face, I am following him from behind, trailing past, my hand touching his back until he realizes and then I just go to Hawaii or something.

Kate’s money is intoxicating, knowing that you have enough in your account to buy half the city on a Monday. Maybe this is the price of being with a straight woman? They don’t believe in love anymore, not until they fall in love with themselves, women and realize that opposites attracting was just to make us breed, it was a malfunction, a mutation which happened to go far due to the church and a bunch of factors I have no idea from. Even I would get pregnant if I knew I could be with Jack, a man, I try to shut my eyes on the name, heading back in, knowing that it’s time to drink my magical pills, my antidepressants. 

-

I didn't realize that I had the next chapter written until I was thinking of it today and I just wanted to continue it and it's interesting as now the story takes a bit of a more linear form, for now. 

I dunno, I quite missed the story and I dunno, it's just really queer and kind of takes the cake and I'm writing about my favorite men in the world, haha xD 

I hope you enjoyed it and please feel free to request the next chapter which is being written :)

<3

There Is Something About Jack White 4

I dream of religion too often of clouds and flying, like the time I had flown with Jack fiddling against the window, Jack falling asleep from the long annoying connections and his eyelashes opening whenever I’d stir in my thoughts opening and closing the stars and trying to find a position. We had shooed away a couple in Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts which I guess could’ve been us if we had the money to travel this far when we were young and most likely I’d buy a shirt two sizes larger and Jack would look way younger and his hair would be shorter as I stroke it briefly, I felt bad for the couple and the name Monica Santos echoing in the airport was still in my head with all the kids in hats and reminding how older I was and that now pikachu is explained as a yellow cat to younger children.

I remember leaning against Jack and seeing snow everywhere covering the streets and the roads, the sand and even the sea seemed to have unmelting snow in it and the sky itself was like a massive snow cloud and the words of my father sprouted about a church near where I was born that there was a view to it near my birth and maybe even the moment had been connected.

I walked slowly to that church, the trails looking as if I were walking in a game and my footsteps seen and I had gasped my eyes springing open for a moment and seeing the dark sides of the plane and I had closed my eyes back to see the church pinned closed and the gates were sprung open, awaiting me halfway and I went on, in a shirt and jeans, my feet in socks but soon I felt barefoot and my hair had been my current long length and I tried opening the door and eventually I turned around, knowing that even my birth wouldn’t accept me.

I pulled Jack up and we walked until the end of the aisle, Jack most likely playing with the lighter which was missing from his pocket.

“What happened.” He said yawning, putting his hands on my shoulders and smiling, holding me tight through his fingers that even if I were liquid I wouldn’t slip.

I told him the dream as the flight attendants started doing breakfast for all the people and we had our own share of scrambled eggs and Jack sipped his coffee as I had given him my eggs and he gave me his bread as I watched into the mirror wondering why hadn’t I screamed in the dream and why didn’t I watch the trees breaking the dawn and why hadn’t I stayed longer until I had been fully naked in the park with all the leaves gone and I wondered if Jack would’ve shown himself from the snow or from some alley in the distance.

It had been true at that point that I felt uncomfortable from religion up to the point that whenever someone mentioned it or wanted to see a church I’d sit outside feeling all the belief leaking out to peep at me and think of all the thoughts I have when they are just as natural but it’s a tradition, so I don’t touch it and it doesn’t touch me and I bit from my acquired sandwich from earlier with tomato and lettuce and I looked at the birds and the sky and I wondered when would I see a church with snow all over again and Jack had walked out in the end, apologizing and being tense all of a sudden, him sometimes bending towards religion but never calling me unnatural he just wanted his piece of church, it had been like both of us on a long table, facing each other only behind me is the television screen and he has headphones and the remote, just because he was on that place he had religion.

I just ate with him both of us starting to feel uncomfortable and Jack had given me a cross with colours all over it and I just raised my brow at him.

It wasn’t some holy cross, it had been just a cross and I had wondered about it against the mirror when he had been asleep wondering if a demon would escape from the mirror, a different Alison with sharper teeth and she would be hetero and walk in sharper heels and she herself would never be a deviant like I am. 

“Does the church consider now women who enjoy sex deviants as well?” I asked Jack taking a photo of a tree against the water and the photo looked as if it were going to fall in a well of loneliness and drown and I sighted, giving the photo to Jack.

“Well, they’re allowing condoms if necessary, maybe they’ll allow being gay if necessary.” Jack smirked and briefly apologized as we both walked on, past the river which sucks things in and looks like the sky if the world had vomited on it.

-

I think the oddest bit of all is the fact that it's been 1.5 years since the previous chapter was posted considering the fact that this whole story is written and I was pretty much waiting for a request XD so please feel free to poke me as I can pretty much just post the rest of the chapters easily :) and I'd be glad to as this is one of my favorite stories I've ever written. 

It was written when I first came to see Callie in Brazil, back when she lived there and when we travelled around, so it has the whole airport scenes. 

Please feel free to request and I hope you enjoyed it, never hesitate to ask about old stories, I love them all xD

<3

There Is Something About Jack White 5

Blue/Jacket 2

Sometimes I wish I could get lost in IKEA, but I don’t everything is far too straight forward to even get lost and I end up getting the lightbulbs, the missing plates and just a set of cutlery which looked nice before I leave. 

I think the thing which had been crossing my mind was the fact that during puberty I could’ve started all of this to be avoided, no periods, no developing breasts which I actually wondered why had they decided to come to me and also before all the previous girls. It had been horrible, feeling myself dissolve and everyone keep nagging how much of a girl should I be, how should my hair be, the disasters from walking in heels and the arguments about my fertility always going to waste, how I will never have children,

how I am not a woman,

not a child, 

just a disgrace.

Would we really kill a life to save another which doesn’t even exist and may be even worse than the one we know? 

I don’t see him even if it gets warmer, I’m sure he’s still in his One For The Road jacket and I wonder what he would wear right now and I even try ICA for a change, Coop and I don’t seem to run into him even if we are in the same building.

What makes it worse, the realization that my puberty could be avoided either shows itself on the canvas or on the opposite seems to strangle me. I keep doing all which is needed and I know that I am not yet close to surgery, still binding my chest and recalling how I would just bind it with whatever I could find and sport bras as well.

It rarely crosses my mind, but I know that I am still not a real man in the eyes of society, so that keeps me from ringing the door and regardless of how tempting the idea of just storming in and seeing him shirtless keeps me away, because frankly my last boyfriend had said that he’d stay with me if I would keep the vagina to which I had told him that I was going to transition regardless, signing up for everything just to close my pleading mouth.

People don’t understand how much disphoria tears you up inside, how much it howls, how much the body disgusts you and you wonder what the fuck else can you do with it. And somehow they still call you what your given genitals were, regardless, there’s this whole cult around hurting people and defending the ones who just rip the soil under your feet apart and I don’t understand why.

That’s why the queer community may be too hateful, but you’ll never bash anyone because you should never blame a victim for their actions of self-defense, there is a reason why there is an explanation deeper than hate. 

I had started wondering if he is the mirage I see in my desert of loneliness with no desire to go anywhere, my hands constantly drawing and endless cups of yea seaming to be surrounding me in a circle, ready to attack. I keep drawing more and more, more ink even up to my shoulders as I keep drawing with his face strictly in my mind, never aging.

I had seen him next time in the model store, checking out the ships, still in the same jacket and it just made me wonder even more.

He raised his dark eyes, curious with my presence.

He started in swedish again before smirking and apologizing in English, his mindset still turned to Swedish apparently. He nods that he’s heading out and I just follow him dumbly, still terrified as he takes out some pick and mix from his sling bag which I hadn’t even noticed he stretches it out to me and I’m scared to get licorice out of it, so I shake the bag a bit as he just watches me with soft eyes, curious. He lights a cigarette, not offering this time and breathing out the smoke.

“There isn’t any lakrits, if that’s what you’re worried about.” He inhales. I make a confused face. “Licorice.”

He smiles. 

I get some sour looking thing and hand it back. The man gets a jelly bean, coconut, I think. I keep looking at him and even if the pause is small, he manages to get three candies already and stretch me out the bag again as we keep walking and I see that we’re heading not towards the underground for a change. I still keep looking at him, finding nothing, no differences from the man from my childhood, even the neatly trimmed back of the head, the messed up quiff. 

“I’m Alex.” He hesitates to stretch his hand and does eventually. I shake it lightly, regretting that maybe I should’ve shown a firm hand. He also adds. “By the way.”

My ears start ringing, sometimes I get scared and I still give out my birth name, but something just manages to throw a blindfold upon me to believe that all is okay.

“‘M Miles.” I say, chewing on a gummy Hello Kitty, it’s not too bad and I decide that I should get it more often. But the fear still clings onto me like a wet shirt, which I can’t take off and seems to be friendly swimming with me, just giving me the discomfort of people thinking that I’m plainly odd (and hiding my chest). I quickly said my name before processing his. Alex. Alexander. It doesn’t ring a bell, just his appearance and jacket. I look at him, he doesn’t seem to have any paper rolls even if I feel as if he had some, but he didn’t and I imagine him holding them and painting.

“What do you work as?” I fire to cling onto the fabric of a dream. 

“I’m a nurse.” More jelly beans follow to be eaten. I pout a bit, but I quickly fix myself, saying that most likely he still draws in his free time, the image of him drawing new and fresh in my mind and far too vivid for a deja vu even. But he doesn’t hold anything and I’m sure he just watches any of the hospital soap operas, maybe silent instead of nagging and yet laughing when someone actually exclaims what’s wrong with it. His soft brown eyes lock on mine as we keep walking, he turns right from Åhlens and I wonder where he’s dragging me and why aren’t we heading to the tube, but I just let myself be led, no deja vu feelings as we start walking past the enormous H&M ads. 

“Oh, I’m an artist.” Alex smiles. “I’m not big or anything, I just take orders, do them and proceed, small jobs... here and there, too.”

He doesn’t ask me why am I in Sweden then and I wonder if it crosses his mind that it might be due to transition and I just keep watching him and he’s a bit shorter, but then I’ve always been quite tall and skinny, even if I do have breasts, they’re not as big as they could’ve been which makes it easier to the eye but surely not to the mind.

The fact that I draw doesn’t stir a lot of emotions, just curiosity as he keeps offering the pick and mix and only then I notice that his hands shake lightly and the fact that he might be just as anxious, a subtle deja vu maybe crossing him, seems to soothe me, it’s like a seesaw, now he’s the one up to get vertigo. 

-

I dunno, it's nice to kind of have a setting closer to my own as I'm pretty much back to walking around and spotting places where I'd set something and the past few days had been me trying to find a particular spot which should be mentioned in the next chapter or so and in general I've been musing a lot, but nothing is unveiled yet so I can't really go on about the places I've found xD 

I dunno, it's odd how I never really realized but I was quite dysphoric when I was growing up, my fluidity being something where I'd strictly be one or the other for a few months and I remember how troubled I was when my breasts started developing and I just had been dismissing it and I was just talking about hormones and I got really sad for a few days that indeed I had no idea about that, I had no idea that you could be accepted as the other gender, that it's ok, I dunno, it's really sad that your puberty could've changed if people weren't as ignorant. I don't think I would've taken them, but it's more of the fact and in general this story deals with transition, which is not something I want for myself as I am very fluid even if I wish my body was less feminine, I don't think I'd want anything even if I'm going through a more obvious male phase, finally not suppressing anything, so yeah. 

I dunno but one of the main arguments which are shoved is child birth and in general people who are born with vaginas are forced into bearing children, I've been told that such is the meaning of my life and frankly I disagree, just because I happen to want children of my own, doesn't mean that I should, I don't understand the cult of children and I pretty much say it explicitly. 

The model store is lovely and closes fucking early like everything really and I guess with the fact that Callie is interest din models pretty much inspired me and the fact that I want to get a wee model of a destroyer since I've been writing and in love with To Miles so yeah xD I need to stop being lazy and find one xD 

Lakrits is licorice and frankly Sweden is full of it, there's everything with licorice, I saw salty licorice syrup. I dunno, I can't eat it so when you walk through the candy aisles you'll see and smell it, so yeah xD

I dunno no matter where I've lived I have never seen Pick and Mix to be so fucking popular and here it's pretty much even in the wee stores, which is interesting and it's always one brand or Candy King and that's it and the prices jump from store to store a lot so yeah xD it's lovely, but again there's licorice everywhere and in general a lot of Swedish candy is quite… weird, so the best ones are these really sour ones. And yes, get a bunch of random Hello Kitty in your Pick and Mix. 

I had struggled with Alex's choice of profession and frankly, I love anything with medicine and health and I dunno, anything around it, is fascinating and something I greatly enjoy, so nurses are amazing too and I always wanted to take some course to know how to do things, so far I can do really bad injections xD or bind arms or legs xD 

I dunno, I really enjoy having a non-cis character as it's quite closer even if I'm not as dysphoric when it comes to my own body and I don't identify as a transman, I dunno, it's still nice and yeah. Also the fact that it's Stockholm and I can use it just like I've used other cities before is lovely. 

Also I didn't expect Alex to be anxious, but this wee anxiety matches it even if he's a fucking goofball in the story.

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did, as I am quite anxious and hey I stayed up to post this :P 

<3