Thursday, 16 October 2014

Blue/Jacket 7

Sometimes art doesn’t have to paid, and to be honest it shouldn’t. I had gone to Spain this year and I was refused a student price because I wasn’t enrolled and that ticketed the fuck out of me, because I didn’t want to go on saying that I didn’t want to enroll somewhere where my name would never be respected and not wearing a binder made my own argument even more invalid. 

And people pay for art.

I get paid for art, I get paid to photoshop a few things and I roll around in my chair, listening how I’m wasting my life as if I were the drying oil on the canvas behind me, the one which you want won’t sell because it shouldn’t really sell.

“Miles, if you’re trans, why don’t you draw transmen?”

“Because I have my enough struggles. I don’t want every character I have to face the same struggles.” And Nick just shrugged, as he watched all the boxes being taken away and my parents going to leave as well and he just smiled softly, knowing that I’d be going and he’d be left as he had said that he’ll be left with those blokes who would squirm at a bra. I took my backpack.

“You ended up being one of them.” And that was the last I had said to him.

And then the departure and all the paperwork were getting worse and worse, the queues and all the people with stories worse and easier than mine to tell as the lines get longer and words are plainly said that everyone fleeds and nights are spent making money after it’s pronounced that if I am going with the system of making money and not staying in the woods, but doing it a bit differently, not choosing university because the offered job was taken and movement erratic, I am still judged. 

“I barely draw transmen because I don’t want to bother drawing dysphoria every time, drawing is my escape and I fucking wish I had a penis, you know.” I snapped at Nick once, as he had spilled his coffee and apologized. 

It’s weird how you don’t date people solely because they think that trans is a barrier. 

I press my face against the glass which emits itself to be dark. 

And when I do see Alex watch me curiously near my door, I know it’s unravelling, his eyes holding a deja vu, which doesn’t seem to break and I know I won’t escape it with Jamie’s lips all over my body and we both leave the apartment at the same time for our own date, as if there is no schedule and Alex asks me if I prefer beer to cider and offers cider, stating that when he came to Sweden he discovered cider for himself and he’s still in the jacket only with a woolen layer underneath and I can’t help but gawk on him as he smiles at me, his hair in a quiff and not as lazily styled as Jamie’s, clothes aren’t as expensive, but they seem more lightly worn and sleeves rolled up more than once. His fingers seem rougher and I wonder how many injections he does a day and how much is his shift and how many lips has he ever kissed in his life. 

We’re intertwined and it’s unravelling is what my pulse says and my beliefs and my wails and the trembling hands with the Stockholm boarding pass and the emptiness of Skavsta airport. When you’re blinded by love is it your own or Alex’s? Or Jamie’s in general and I can’t help but keep looking at him, some silent wall giving him insights of how deep had I known him and he’s without candy and slowly we progress on small talk as he smiles and I can’t help but watch his dark eyes and there’s too much to row and I feel awful that Jamie’s lips linger in my own mouth, maybe two tries of the same cake is too much at the same time?

Maybe I just want Alex to crush all reality, say no bond so that would just try and ease and see something in front of me rather than through my dreams? 

His cards are never flipped over and my own judgment is lost and biased. 

Anxiety is the tool to all of our misery. 

I would feel like I was fighting some war where I wasn’t sure what I even was and all I would see is people giving me the wrong ideas up to the point that I wasn’t even sure I was fighting, it was all revolting and sometimes I would just look around to see how alone I was. I look at Al, it was odd to feel that I was the only one who had to construct myself to some extent, take the step of going to the barbers are realizing where would my dysphoria end and where my own habits were.

It’s odd to slowly start realizing even at the back of the head that maybe there is something attractive to me, not that I see it late at night, binder off with my chest aching and paint all over the floor that I have to hastily clean up. The closest I would get once I was out was people telling me that they wouldn’t date a transman and the closest to close was only they would but after bottom surgery.

I feel like both Alex and Jamie run parallel lines. 

I have fallen in love with Alex too many times for it not to be true.

We make our way slowly back into Gamla Stan and he starts talking of the italian restaurant which is actually good and I just nod, solely keeping the deadline in my head and I try to avoid his gaze for a while, our conversations minimal from both sides and I wonder how close is he with Jamie and when I see a text from Jamie, my blood gets cold as we get seated and once you face each other that’s when you realize that you have no other way but rather than to converse. He quickly texts his ex back, apologizing and even if I had Jamie’s lips on my own and the truth unfolded on Alex cheating on Jamie, my curiosity comes for both parties and I feel intimidated as his fingers fiddle with the napkin, as his dark eyes are focused and I’ve accepted the fact that he knows nothing, because in some tales one knows all, the other knows nothing. But then maybe he was nothing for me to achieve and I excuse myself quickly, asking hastily where the bathroom is -

And the constant fear of entering a male bathroom still resides with me, I hate gendered bathrooms and sometimes the confused looks from foreigners, as they try to crack me and how much surgery I’ve had, so I just head to the cubicle and I lift my shirt up, coughing lightly, anxiety rising within me

Ok, Jamie kissed me

But what about Alex? I turn my head towards the door. I start tracing my fingers on the wooden door, hoping to get a blister as I keep coughing and I hope that it doesn’t reach the level of vomit as I look down to see myself with the said binder and I just tighten it up and hold a cough. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be a man. 

Maybe it’s because someone who you loved told you they would never date you.

Love is a long process and sometimes it happens long after the person is gone and then you realize the metronome is on, only thankfully in the distance. 

I always wondered how much do people flinch thinking about me even if I haven’t properly dated anyone, I wonder how much does Nick even flinch if he hears anything I had ever given him to try or any of the times we would spent in our early teenage shops in music stores, just browsing and it’s weird because all those memories are quite shredded with dysphoria and I wonder how different would my history had been if I knew who I were and I didn’t have so much confusion and I would have the bizarre break ups and hookups, but instead I was stuck in a relationship with myself and whenever I would break myself, I would avoid the songs which circulated in my head then, so would I be an ex to myself as well?

Maybe we shouldn’t go denying our own twisted love as my curiosity escalated and fate seemed to dwell with pure reason and which side did I even have to choose or watch both colours dissolve in the water, away from me before I even choose to dip my toes in.

I feel like I know too much about him when he knows nothing and he is anxious about solely not knowing anything and I just slowly head back to see him rubbing his palms together and I can’t help but feel all my throat close up on me as I make my way and he smiles at me and I hold my gaze on his dark eyes far too long before back to the menu. Our silence and anxiety seem mutual. 

“Are you feeling okay? Coz... Jack texted me that you collapsed. If you feel tired at any point just tell me and I’ll well, we live next door so walking home sounds obvious. But if you ever need anything, just tell me, coz I can see what I can do in my powers.” He smiles at me.

He cheated on Jamie.

I wonder what the fuck even went on there. And it’s as if they both were sitting, not facing each other and I wonder how deep do the leftovers lie and how often do both even cry and if they even tried reconciling. 

I recall Jamie’s kiss on my lips.

I would even text him, but seeing Alex is a bit too much. 

“Yeah. Thanks.” I mutter and I hide behind the menu. Don’t sit on two chairs, Miles, because I can barely make sense of my own head and two relationships and cheating if I will with Jamie’s traces on my lips is not something I would ever want to handle. 

Do I put it out on a platter?

Did Jamie tell Alex anything?

I look out of the window, wondering how easily can fate even be rewritten and if I should have dreamt of Jamie in Alex’s jacket instead?

“Did you have a good time with Jamie?” He says, still scanning the menu and my fingers tremble, my lips go cold ironically before getting a shot of memory heat again, through out my whole body as Jamie had broken the kiss, eyes wide open. I just nod at Alex.

He’s not the one refusing, it’s me. 


Happy (late) Birthday Oksana!!!

Sorry the delay, but yeah, this chapter is my late gift xD 

Basically I always get tense sometimes around stories so I usually wait until I can't hold and then I binge chapters xD but I'm always writing something and I need to push out everything I've written and I know it's been taking me ages xD like I have a few entirely new stories or last chapters of different stories which frankly should've been posted ages ago. So yeah, if you can just pester me to post something each day XD I think I'll even have enough for a month xD 

Story-wise I've been thinking a lot and this chapters has a bunch of my own actual personal thoughts in a more raw version and I guess it comes a lot from the fact that I always felt close to my Mileses XD specifically because Miles is trans in this one as well. 

Actually the Spain story was something which ticked me off. I pretty much got angry at the queues and my mental health was horrid and it was when I had a fallout with my ex-therapist and standing under the sun for hours or paying ridiculous prices because I wasn't in uni just disgusted me. And frankly triggered me because it's something well, which I cope with due to the circumstances and I don't need it shown in my face, so that was rather gross and irritated me to no end. 

I actually keep pestering myself that I should have more trans characters and frankly, I should but I just don't want to focus sometimes, because well, my dysphoria is still rather heavy at times and it's more of the "imagine what you can't change and let your imagination erase your dysphoria" so that's what I do and I'm still thankful I had read that post when I came out. So, yeah, I want to pretty much focus on writing cis men because I'll never really be one, I have to keep on imagining really and yeah, here is what happens in my imagination but I still will always have at least one on-going properly story with a trans main character, just understand that Miles is still hard to write because I want it as accurate as possible. And in general I'm a person highly not sure of himself, so of course I'll judge myself for everything.

I think the highlight of this chapter was Nick, which Callie laughed that I made an asshole really, but frankly I've done each of errr everyone to be an asshole at least in one story. Nick and Miles' story was inspired, I guess, this is where I go personal, but yeah, I had a close friend when I was coming out and yeah, I got told in my face that he wouldn't ever date a transman and that shattered me and soon enough we stopped talking and it's awful at times because I miss him, but nothing I can do. People are assholes and well, some people just don't deserve to be in your life for being assholes, so Nick was based off that. So it's like yeah, you support me, but you'd never date me solely because I'm trans, ok. 

Regarding cider I got back into it since frankly in stores besides System Bolaget you can only get beer and cider xD 

I guess I should explain, Skavsta is pretty much one of the airports and yeah it's like where all the Ryanairs are and what not x) but yeah, Arlanda is much nicer if you ask me, because it's awfully big and I just like airports at times. 

Regarding dysphoria when I came out and when Callie, it's quite hard because you still wonder where does your dysphoria end, like do you want to wear plain t-shirts because you should wear that for being "male" by society or because you want to. 

Fear is a constant factor, there's always the whole juggling doubt, because there's so much transphobia and frankly no support, you start wondering if you will ever be a "real man" when in reality all that matters is what's inside. 

Exes are a weird funny thing and I was wondering today about it, because I recalled a random queer guy who rejected me back when I was in my early teens and that escalated me to think about all of my exes. It was all fucked up because I didn't know my gender and I believe they were confused about their sexuality as well. And I had a funny question, because frankly once you shatter everything with someone you dated, you don't know how much they miss you and I just shoved that thought into Blue/Jacket here. 

It's… a weird, scary, destroying feeling when you realize that you're in love with two people because it slowly emerges and you have no idea what to do, because it is like two parallels running.

And yeah, I found it interesting how I got pointed out that pretty much Alex doesn't appear often but he's pretty much spoken of and Jamie tells more about Alex than Alex does. And in general there's a lot to be unfolded about all the characters and yeah, if you haven't checked Start Finding Passion, you should xD it's the prequel and explains in more detail Alex's character and the whole break up, really.

I hope you enjoyed it and it was quite a shattering chapter, please tell me if you did:3

thank you



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