Tuesday, 14 October 2014

No. 1 Party Anthem 2

I keep my eyes closed as he leaves, the walk of shame is said to be done alone and he seems to be taking his time, but I see that he makes a point of not looking back and he takes a mug of coffee with him outside, I think he leaves but instead it’s for a smoke and he heads back and that’s where we meet in the kitchen and I even feel my kidneys race, my whole body pulsate and a migraine originate and he just presses his lips and gets out, popping the collar of his leather jacket up and I am just left. 

I make coffee for myself, ignoring the vibrating phone which seems to have texts back from seven a.m. from Jamie who stood up all night because he had been fighting with Brian I figured and I sit in the kitchen an hour just browsing the news online, feeling like I reflect everything in my eyes, but not taking any deaths in. Have I even ever seen a walk of shame before? How do I even react to him? I start hearing a banging on the door, the doorbell is no use these days and I make my way, my heart hoping that it’s Alex but instead the knocking proceeds to be louder and it matches the bloodshot Jamie eyes. 

“You broke up.”

“He cheated. With Stefan.”

Both are said at the same time and we’re both taken back at the sudden realization of events and I sigh, motioning him in and he glances at the undone bed which seems a bit too tousled and he grins. I poke his forehead. 

“Don’t. We both had sex we’d rather not speak of Hince, what now.” I scratch the back of my head, feeling as if I had gained sleep even if neither of us touching any inch of each other’s body and Jamie just sighs, looking at the half drunk coffee mug and takes a sip of it. It’s a two-people ashtray now.

“It’s not the first time.” I sigh, my own headache being mental as Jamie just cringes at my addition of sugar and milk.

“Don’t you ever think of the animals?”

“I don’t give a fuck about the animals. I fuck like an animal.” Jamie smirks, he’s far too light to be heartbroken. I wonder if it was a threesome gone wrong but then I notice his bloodied knuckles, fight got out of hand. I wonder if it was Brian or Stefan’s face. 

“You need a shave, Hince.” I mutter and he widens his eyes looking at my stubble. It gets ridiculous, sometimes you wish you were stuck in your teens, peeping at the bathroom mirror slowly feeling the whatever the fuck pubic hair which crawled onto your face and wanted to call itself sexy. 

Jamie makes himself black coffee, barely any sugar, I’m sure he survives.

“Why don’t we date?”

“Because if you put Fugazi’s Red Medicine I will pull your eyesockets out. And you stand Brian’s Richey shrine. I can’t do any of that. Both of you can.” Jamie sulks, but mutters fair point and just says that Fugazi is still amazing and I ignore that. He turns on the telly and I just join him on the floor, it’s like a ritual, if Jamie is sitting on the floor, Brian would join him and if it’s me next Brian or not, I’d join as well. “Did you see Alex leave?”

Jamie shakes his head and starts flicking through channels as if that would hold any of our emptiness away and he glances at me for a brief while and I just look back, pushing his shoulder lightly, taking the piss before any of us have some heartbroken shag and I just stand up, Jamie stopping on some cooking show. Neither of us can barely cook, I managed to start doing something but all Jamie can do is grilled cheese and Brian would end up taking the task of not poisoning himself and his lover. Jamie darkens as if I had mentioned Brian’s name outloud.

“Why don’t you do an open relationship?” Jamie just rolls his eyes at my suggestion, hugging himself and pulling his legs to himself, chin against his knees, eyes closed and slowly shaking his head and I just watch him dissolve his own answer.

“He doesn’t want to, he keeps saying how Stefan is a mistake. I don’t know.” He says far too fast and hesitating with his own struggles. I take my box of cigarettes giving him one, but I wave my hand at him, as I solely want to be left alone. I grab my leather jacket, waving at Jamie’s back and eventually I leave the apartment, unlit cigarette ready for it’s slow torture from both ends and I start walking, back through the streets as if I were a new man when in reality all I had was a shag which I hadn’t had in quite a while. It’s weird retracing my steps as if there is something for me to find, but I still find my way back to Alex’s door and the house still has beer bottles everywhere and the closed curtains. I wonder how come it seems so calm and post-sex, but then everything feels the anxiety of post-coital, so I have no idea.

I curse, pulling my face, as I knock on the door, looking down but as I lift my head I see a girl with long brown hair. 

“Oh, shit-” I say before I even register it and she just smiles back at me, confused, she’s still in yesterday's attire I presume by the ruffled clothes as if she had slept in them, but her make-up looks a bit fixed, I might’ve caught her right after she brushed her teeth. She turns around to wave behind her. “I mean, I was-”

She looks at me with her big eyes and I just feel even smaller.

“Alex?” I mutter and she just nods, grabbing me by the arm and yanking me inside, humming some tune as I still see some people sleeping on the floor even if it’s more than past noon and all of us have started to shake off the party away, but she nearly skips to the kitchen which has Alex looking down at a new coffee mug and he just looks at me a bit pale, but that’s because I’ve pinned all his feelings down last night. Then she turns around and claps her hands together.

“Miles, right?” She beams and I nod, scared and she just gets even merrier. “Oooh, Agyness talked about you. You’re gay, right?”

I blink. I just nod, confused, how come is my sexuality told everyone on a silver plate and Alex had no idea, as he avoids me and I just observe him before going back to the girl’s hazel eyes. 

“How come Alex never told me? He always would do all these gay jokes and how he would never have a gay friend.”

“We’re not friends-” Is spoken from each of our mouths and eyes met for a while, as the girl just looks back at Alex more confused from his participation than my face and fact. Great, gay jokes. All I needed was homophobic confirmation and I just stick my hands in my jeans, looking down. I didn’t even register how tussled his hair looked and how I had wanted him in my arms again until the sting reminded me what was lurking in the back of my mind, in the back of the split sphere. I just shake my head lightly and I’m about to leave, but the girl grabs my hand again and I just stare back.

“I’m Arielle, Alex’s girlfriend.” Fuck. Girlfriend? I shoot a quick glance at him. “It’s ok, Alex is a moron. I’d love to have a gay friend.”


I’d rather have Jamie put on Red Medicine and some other bullshit, at least I know he’s gay and sane. I shrug her hand off and Arielle turns to look at Alex confused, who just continues sipping his coffee until I make my way out and he quickly stands up to follow me and I feel my body start shaking and my knees weaken. We get out of the house, Arielle behind and I just light a cigarette which he yanks out of my mouth and my lips ache as I watch him. I’m sure he’s not aware of how good looking he is, with the quiff entirely gone and morning leaving traces in the day. But I keep that for myself to die. I get myself another cigarette.

“Gay jokes?” I hiss, laughing afterwards. “That’s fucked up, considering you really wanted to get fucked, mate and you did. Fuck you.” 

I shove a finger in his chest, as if accusing, but then I am and as if drunk with my own reality I turn around to feel him grab my hand, but as I shrug it off and start walking away, he follows me, trying to lock eyes as my sole companion in my head is my new cigarette. I need to buy a new pack, but I don’t see any newsagents and I try to avoid him as hard as I can and neither does he speak until we’re a good few blocks down, but I make sure to make a turn away from my flat so that I wouldn’t have Jamie looking at both of us arguing and wondering where would he fit again. 

“I’m sorry, I really really am.” He says, going in front of me and I just stop, thankful that apparently the afternoon didn’t seem to hit anyone, besides the few open local businesses, but everyone’s head is still between someone’s legs apparently or with faint traces of last night’s oral under a pillow. I glare at Alex, even before he utters it and I roll my eyes. “I’m straight.”

I’m not one to judge one’s sexuality, but I laugh in his face as he just pales up. 

“Congratulations, your gay jokes were about your own fear.” I laugh darkly, wondering if I should’ve brought Jamie into this, he could’ve done some more sarcastic remark and observed Alex just to tell me that I still got a good shag, apparently. 

I shouldn’t be liking someone who won’t simply like me back regardless of the reasons, the end product of nothing mutual would still exist, because it becomes useless and sometimes it takes much more than half the time to kill, that it will continue nipping the fingers and firing up because there is regret from doing too much and spoiling or not doing enough and that’s why crushes sting because the past was never fully received and there are too many mismatches when it comes to the actual relationship.

His silence seems to feed me with the fact that he whirls with me until we reach the sea and I smoke the last cigarette with him, as he just watches me, slowly smiling and I don’t want him to flirt with me and we seem to hold too much comfortable silence, which is odd because I’m used to Jamie’s and Brian’s constant chatter. Then we just turn around and I feel my blood boil less, it’s his fault and his sexuality to doubt, his girlfriend to cheat on. 

Maybe I do let him back in, but for a short while, I tell myself as he blushes as we head back into the flat, cigarettes bought in haste and we silently enter to hear the telly and Jamie’s presence. Alex would have to get used to this day, if he wants to continue it.

“I was thinking... what if it’ll keep progressing and by the end I’ll just end up alone and I’ll just dettach from him?” Is what I hear from Jamie, half-way through the cigarette, before he turns around to face both me and Alex. I wonder if two gays is too much for the quiff-less lad. 

“Holy shit.” Jamie says, cigarette in mouth, blowing the smoke out, looking at Alex. “Can I fuck you?”

Alex widens his eyes. I break out in a smirk, but I quickly flip Jamie off.

“I get it, Hince, we’re leaving.” I mutter, as I poke Alex on his shoulder so that he faces me and I just feel my blood go up a bit to stroke my cheeks as I look into his deep dark eyes. I see Jamie smile at me sadly from the corner of his eyes and I just step back from Alex, making my way into the small kitchen, observing Alex left in the corridor. The flat is far too small, living room divided by the pans and shelves to make a kitchen. But then sometimes you don’t choose the best alone and sometimes the best isn’t given and you wonder if the thirties will hold a better salary as promised. I hear Alex introduce himself anyway, as Jamie just mutters his name, as I see him still interested in Alex, but his desire getting toned down, his thought most likely already poisoned by Brian as usual. I bring all of us tea, as I sit down next to Jamie, facing Alex as I quickly ruffle through Jamie’s hair as he doesn’t even groan much, nearly picking up the mug.

Alex looks at me confused, but I don’t explain anything. I could play tricks and he would never know. I scratch my head and I wonder how much do I even show of my life which is mostly solving Brian and Jamie’s fallouts if I’m not alone, while behind closed doors is just a mixture of work, cigarettes and self-doubt wrapped in all the seasons which come and go and slowly touch the apartment's interior and maybe smell either of pumpkin or mint which Jamie would end up bringing. He would always bring peppermint candy canes because he’d buy a bunch for himself and he would end up eating half the packet at mine’s anyway, while waiting for his life to be solved when his hands were tied. 

Maybe this was my way to say that I have better things to do? That I am surely more than not interested in his own problems and I just sit besides Jamie, who glances from Alex from while to while, but I know him too well, Alex would never progress anything from a thought, while Brian would invade everything until they would break up again, that’s when he hesitates and actually does other people until they get back together after throwing guitars at each other beforehand. 

“So...” Alex clears his throat and it’s as if the universe had forgotten his existence for a while and I see his anxiety reflected in his eyes as he darts from me to Jamie and I sincerly wonder how much has his existence collapsed and it feels awfully weird to actually wonder how much shallow his world once seemed, because for me and Jamie it seemed that there were never walls, our for a good while but we knew who we were, pure denial is a separate thing, but the problem is that is there actually something beyond Alex’s walls or is it where his world ends? “You broke up with someone?”

Instead of actually showing some compassion, I interfere, before I actually allow Alex’s sudden change in everything to affect me properly.

“He always breaks up, they always break up.” I mutter and Jamie just shoots a glare at me and I’m sure if Alex weren’t here he would have spilled the tea over my trousers and left for a cigarette, coming back, flicking the lighter and just continued with whatever he had been doing and snapped at me for the whole day, but instead a different scenario is resolved with Jamie glaring at me with no tomorrows intended. 

“Yeah, I did... as Miles softly-” He says softly through his teeth, looking deep into the mug. “said, as usual. We break up too often or rather I reconcile with him far too often.” 

Alex unlike both me and Jamie has absolutely no evidence of a stubble or a shave for that matter, as I watch him and I wonder when will puberty even crawl up behind his back, as I pretty much am used to shaving myself each morning and if Jamie or Brian are over it’s pretty much a morning shaving party, as if you could put us all three in a row. I try to keep my mind focused and I quickly take a hot sip of my tea, nearly regretting. 

“Thing is, they’ve been together... for years. Years. Like...” I pause, trying to do the math in my head, even if it’s already written sourly on Jamie’s face. “They’ve known each other since university basically.”

I try to make the facts straight before Jamie gets a say, as he doesn’t enjoy speaking of his past when it torments the present. 

“And that’s when they started dating, so years back, really. But the count is off, because they get on, then off and again.” I think what would I say behind Jamie’s back and if I should say it out loud. I scratch my head, watching Alex who seems to be on the edge of his seat, as if he were discovering a sex talk for the first time in his life. I just glance at Jamie, who is nearly dipping his nose inside the tea. I don’t know how comforting my words will even sound. “It’s more of a question if two people are highly compatible how much would you take?”

I ask the question and Jamie just looks down and Alex just pulls his knees to his chest, putting the mug aside on the small table. Jamie looks up at the one-night stand I had and I quickly shift gaze from one to another, wondering. 

“I had a girlfriend. Well, we seemed compatible, we dated... I’m guessing, not as long, but it was... it seemed compatible, but once you try to live alone, you realize... that you’re not actually that compatible. That you just tell yourself that three days of happiness are worth five weeks of misery and even the happiness, did you... bring it or was it actually your partner?”

I see Jamie’s shoulders shake and I just sit besides him, but he calms down and just solely nods. I take and stick a cigarette between his lips, as he raises his eyes to glance at me. Brian is surely an asshole, but even if the question has always been on everyone’s lips, the longer the rubber stretches, the harder it is to actually let go for the pain to inflict, to be willing to no longer have it in your hands even if you’re aware of the hit. 

He won’t admit it, it’s a decision only poison can help you choose and decide or until you collapse. Dead, preferably than paralyzed to stare at a non-existent sky. 

I put my arm around Jamie’s shoulder, as he lights the cigarette and I decide that there’s no running away from someone smoking in the apartment since there’s three smokers, someone had to start, so Alex shyly takes a cigarette and I join up as last as I push Jamie onto my shoulder and he just smirks, watching Alex, I presume. 

“I’d date Jamie, but we’d kill each other, so we’re not dating.”

“I’d fucking kill you.”

“Exactly.” I smirk and rub his shoulder as he slowly exhales the smoke, cigarette in mouth and I glance at him to see his eyes closed and most likely canning himself up with all the thoughts which could ever trouble him, so that they would paint dark swirls and turns for him to escape in a more horrid misery just to understand that sometimes reality is the escape from one’s emotions and attachments. I kiss Jamie’s top of the head, as he just grunts and I glance back at Alex who tries to blink away some thin curtain of jealousy, but I catch it and I just keep my gaze at him, but it’s only for a mere moment before he shifts back to look at Jamie and I look back down, even if I feel a bit lighter, but I still know his walls are shallow. 


To be honest, I wasn't sure do I continue it or not and I was just thinking and maybe a day later I had the idea of the scene with Arielle and that just tempted me to no end to continue it, to let it happen with struggling Alex and Miles. And in general I enjoyed Jamie and Brian in the back, since errr they're my actual OTP XD I love milex to fucking bits and I just love them so much, but both Jamie Hince and Brian Molko have meant the world for me for so many years, so yeah, I stick Jamie wherever I can xD but I just liked the idea of Miles and Alex, like everyone put it, with Alex pretty much discovering everything and Miles being out.

In general I quite like the idea, I tend to stick with more open characters so it's always fun to have someone not as open, since I go by my usual mindset since I'm open so yeah xD 

Alex is pretty much I guess if you throw me back years and years ago when you just think that… you have to be homophobic. That's what happens when you grow up in a bigoted country and culture at times, because you get no exposure, so I guess that's where Alex's bewilderness goes from, the sense and feeling.

And in general alienation and confusion are awful and I guess I should address it like I address any other issue. Is that spoiling? But then, wait, they slept and this is milex… this is obvious where it's heading, right? But then, even I don't know properly the ending xD I just briefly started thinking on Jamie's end xD 

It took me maybe a month to actually start the actual chapter even if I was excited about the scene. My mind shuts off on one story and I binge something else, so yeah and sometimes the spurts are spontaneous, like I got asked about if there will be a continue and I kept writing it until I reached the rough needed word count and even then I was really pressing myself to write more, about the last two paragraphs and I hope the ending was well. So yeah, stuff like a brief message might tempt me or sometimes I'll end up scared about the story and avoid it for a good while while binging other things and I was planning to post something else, but I figured I haven't posted any milex recently and this besides Gandalf's Inhaler is the ongoing pure pure milex, usually I throw some Jamie in xD 

So I dunno, I quite enjoy milex and I awfully liked this story and sorry that it took me a while and I wanted to roughly keep the word count the same, so there's a fucking lot going on here, eh? xD 

Originally Miles was supposed to wake without Alex, but then I just started writing and the image of Alex getting caught on the walk of shame seemed far more fitting. 

I've tried Fugazi far too many times and they just go entirely through me, so I pretty much smirked while writing that and Callie tried them even more than I did, so yeah, they're just past me entirely. I guess, backstory-wise it's Jamie's favourite Fugazi album. Know your Jamie Hince. 

I guess one fact which made me squeal about Brian is the fact that he used to be a Manics fan, well, I dunno about now, so when I read an old interview that just made me happy and it was around when he and Jamie were back then (I'm trying to be discreet here xD) 

I guess being poly makes me raise an eyebrow, so I guess obviously sometimes I just go "…why not open it up?" But it's not for me to judge upon other people, but yeah, just fucking open it up if you can and if your partner is comfortable really. Compromise, discuss and etc x) 

So yeah, the scene with Arielle and Miles heading back to Alex's to discover that he's an average ignorant twat was the main driving force in my mind for continuing because I really wanted to write that scene and well by Miles just visiting Alex and hearing that surely is far from an ending so of course I realized that in no way I could end it as easily, so here we are xD 

They weren't supposed to head back into the flat, but Jamie's comment on "I'd fuck you" seemed too appealing and I had written that scene a few paragraphs before and then just wrote the rest in, so I was anxious, but then seemed obvious that they would head back. 

I daftly realized that I didn't properly describe the flat, so I just threw some sentences in, I always have a paranoia that I don't describe well enough so I just go on describing sprees sometimes but then in general I am a very very anxious writer xD 

I write quite subconsciously to be honest, I just shut down and keep writing, not really thinking if that sounds odd enough, then it is xD and then I go all… ooooohhh, I love this plot twist or I showed the chapter to Callie and she was all nice touch with Jamie not really speaking of his past, which didn't really dawn on me while I was writing, I dunno, the small moments when you get in character properly x)

The throwing guitar comment between Jamie and Brian was more of a smirk from me to be honest, I think I've read too much and I speak too much xD I only shut up with time.

I came back for the ending about the walls, I kind of want to show that even if Miles seems excited, he still has doubts and he should really. I always get anxious if I portray feelings properly xD ah, anxiety xD 

I hope you enjoyed it and naturally there's more to come and please tell me if you enjoyed it and thank you for all the support, I mean it and I'm happy that you've enjoyed this story so far and I hope this chapter was just as enjoyable



No. 1 Party Anthem 3


  1. This is wonderful, I am so excited that you updated this! Can't wait to see where it goes :)

  2. Awww, thank youuuu :3 :3 :3

    I'm really glad you enjoyed it:3 Keep checking for the next chapter :3


  3. YES YES YES, please continue! I waited for such a long time for this!
    I absolutely love how you write Alex here. His being in denial or smth is just my fav thing. I really like it. Cant wait to read part 3.
    Awesome work)

  4. I'm sorry I got shy to reply at the time >.>
    Currently doing Nanowrimo for the rest of the month, so the chapter should be up in around December unfortunately :\
    In the meantime I can suggest other stories and following up on TM's 38 chapters xD

    I know! I love that! It kind of goes with one of my head canons about Alex only exaggerated and in an AU light of course x)

    Thank you so so so much :3