Monday, 27 October 2014

let's make straight offensive since they're such bigots 6

Once we head back to his, he puts Weekend on instantly and we keep watching it, apart, it feels lighter, knowing the feelings, but the question still remains. 

“Do you think he’ll fuck me on the first date?” I narrow my eyes at him.

“What?” I ask, jerking my head. 

“What? I wanna get fucked like that.” I just shrug and Jamie rolls his eyes. “C’mon, anal is amazing.”

I just keep shrugging as Russell is now blowing Glen and I wonder if he does it on a banana like the director said or if they went cheeky, I always think they did. Jamie keeps staring at me. 

“What?!” I exclaim.

“You never fingered yourself there, have you?” He pauses. “Have you even wanked?”

“Of course, I’ve wanked, you asshole. It’s just... I’ve never tried anal. Why would I? I’m not the one getting some dude fucking my ass tonight.” I pause. “Or fucking his.”

Jamie stated he’d be vers. 

“Still, you never did?”

“No?!” I feel a bit red saying this.

“Fucking hell, Mosshart, do it.”

“Do what?” My heart is racing. 

“You don’t know what you’re missing!” The conversation is flowing fast. 

“Jesus, even do it on my bed, I don’t care. You’re missing out.” I get excited. I hide my face between my hands, laughing and I feel like crying. He will fuck Jack. Jamie takes my hands away from my face. He’s breathing on me. “Alison.”

I raise my eyes. 

“Look, just that I think you’ll like it, that’s all. It’s a new sexual act for you. Sorry. Look, I’m gay, I don’t care, I can even help if needed.” We don’t know what we are saying. I flip him off. We keep watching. Fine. Fine.

I take off my jeans. 

“Is it that good?” I ask. He nods, saying a yes and he tries not to look at me undress, as I go on his bed. We’re fucked. He throws a bottle of lube at me.

“Trust me.” I breathe harder and I enter a finger and I moan, Jamie looks behind, my legs spread out. What are we now? Friends with benefits? He keeps watching me and I watch him bite his lips. I insert a second, rolling my eyes, sticking them deeper. I keep watching him and I know he’s turned on. This is so fucked. He’s my best friend. 

“C-can you help?” I breathe and he takes my fingers out slowly as he inserts his own, it feels better and I moan harder, he watches me a while before putting his mouth on me and I moan harder. He strokes my skin under my t-shirt slowly, letting his hand travel up to my nipple and I feel him pull it, a faster stroke and suck

“FUCK” And I come, in his mouth, his cheeks flushed. He gives one last shy lick. Shit, I came too fast and I’m still shivering. Jamie licks his lips off. 

“We just had sex.” I state.

“I know.” And he sits on the egde of the bed. 

“Can I-?”

“Please don’t.” He looks at the watch on the bedside table. It’s still two hours, but he still dresses up and I don’t say anything. I start dressing up myself. We don’t look at each other and it’s like a knife. 

I love you, Jamie.

My mind is filled with you.

But I can’t say it and I don’t. And the movie is paused on the last sex scene, before Glen leaves and so do we.


Ironically I watched or rather rewatched I Hate The Way You Love Today. I've been in awfully weird moods, so I just grabbed the laptop and I just told Callie, hey, I wanna rewatch I Hate The Way You Love (frankly I just wanted to fangirl over the small kiss they have and just narrow eyes at the whole thing and recall how they say they never dated) and I've been depressed today and in general my mood takes me to weird places, but in general I feel elevated and I've been using that in this… fiction piece I've been doing, because my emotions are overflowing so I'm using that there, I'm spoiling the backstory for that thing, anyway, I know this… backstory becomes even more like a journal, at least I see it, kind of… the mindset at the day I post and whilst I was writing it but the main thing should be told

I should've written a chapter of Gandalf's Inhaler for this… but



So yeah, but that's big big news and I've been grinning ever since and proud of my own damned self. 

Ok, back to the story xD

I'm still fucking proud of myself though xD

So yeah, in general love is quite a funny thing and I was comparing it to elevation in my head and this backstory was going to be started off from that but then… it kind of shifted and I wrote for the fiction thing, in general I dunno… I feel much lighter and I like it, even if I can't really shake off my depression or anxiety, I'm still lighter and I dunno… in a long time I actually love myself to some extent which is new.

Regarding love, I guess it's quite complex because I'm polyamorous so of course it's been empty on one half and pretty much until you get a pure solid ground, you're always questioning yourself like am I fucking good enough, what did that action mean, hold it, I swear this makes sense, this is a love story, so in general if I'm fucking posting a more love-centered story then I should be talking about love. And I do write about different love. So it really depends what kind of love I am writing about and which person which I love or loved should I think of, like PDD is pretty much me doing a yelling fest, actually I have a lot of yelling fests, but then break ups are ugly shit and for once I was the one left frustrated and angry rather than bawling my heart out. So… that takes it's own shelf of "inspiring" things. Then I dunno, I guess I just see them lately as more of a… star couple in my stories because they literally crawled out of me fucking bending over in laughter of Jamie being a captain in the USN, but I always pretty much steal Callie to myself as I write Alex and Jamie in To Miles. And some just get inspired by deja vu, random crushes. But I guess the third main category like here I guess, falls into those "fuck, I'm terrified and I have to fucking make a move or shit, I'm waiting, fuuuuck" so those I guess fun while you're both awkwardly stepping on each other's feet in a fucking dance (I hate myself for always comparing love to dancing because I use it so often, I have no idea how often I've said… love is a waltz or something, but eh, bear with me, I fucking hope my long monologue isn't boring, I just wanted to talk of love, really, get something… more raw and out of my mouth because I'm a fucking blabbering happy machine today and lovestruck as I've been) so I guess this story falls under that. 

I think I wrote that because I do get anxious about posting sex scenes, I think I was walking a few days ago and I was like "hey, Callie, am I that sexual?" like there's that awkward moment when you get asked about fetishes on asks and you're like… nah, can't think of any and then it dawns on me like… sex toys are fetish, positions are fetish, fucking anal is fetish, it's ridiculous how much is fucking considered deviant. Or when I'm really spacing out from depression I'll fucking go "wait, people literally just have missionary, Callie, is that true?" XD I'm fucking daft. And in general I dunno I just get ticked off that people still fucking shame sex, like jesus, what I do or what I write what my characters do is errr my head and my body and whatnot, please piss off. And I dunno I've seen more sex shaming and I'm always the one in the circle of people who listens to people go "…and he did this" in a fucking shocked voice and I just blink a few times and I'm like "so?" So things like that still get to me. Like is this sex scene good? Did I fucking make it different from another one since I make sure to fucking make them shift even if I dunno I want like all three stories to I dunno have someone riding someone, I'll still fucking think in my head and I'll even compete to fucking write with myself a longer sex scene. So yeah, I'm obviously recently proud of National Anthem. I'm fucking referencing to so much and this backstory is longer than my "I'M WRITING SHORT FORMAT CHAPTERS LIKE I USED TO WEEE" anyway, hello anxiety. 

Back to the story.

I made them fuck. I wanted them to fuck. And I wondered for a bit, thinking how would I make them have sex first and that's what my sexual mind came up with and in general I just like how this story challenges sexuality, because we still stick to labels and yeah, you just forget your sexuality for the right person (or not, I'm fucking gay and I'm running after a bloke, I'm not the best example right now, but hey, there's Callie xD) 

I love Weekend. I don't know how much I have to say about it. I make my characters watch it, it's like as if I have one DVD to give to my characters and I just give them Weekend. 

You do weird shit when you're a teenager. Funnily enough, I always managed to dodge even people on top of me, I have no idea why, demisexuality is a funny thing, my hands are not going near you unless I am over heels for you. So yeah, I was like, eh, I wouldn't but hey, they did, anyway xD

I barely talked of the story.

More backstory to backstory.

I hope you still enjoyed it and the next chapter is different perspective, literally and like… two chapters left?

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did, go pester me to post it xD

Thank you



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